Goodbye Teddy

by Stockholm, JD

  I play with Rachel until seven. Then I have to go. Craig is inside watching television. He watches Robocop. He has watched it every day. My brother sits next to him. I don’t know why he does. He is a baby and he gets scared. I am not allowed to watch films when my brother is there. I don’t know why Craig is allowed. It isn’t fair. I sit on the floor out of the way and watch it too. Then I am not in the way.

  “Go and make me a coffee,” Craig says to me. I don’t look at him. I don’t answer. He can make his own stupid coffee. “Oi,” he says because I don’t answer. Then he calls me names. I tell him to shut up. “You better go and make me a coffee or I’ll…” he doesn’t say the words. But I know he will tell my mum I smoke. He smiles about it like my mum does when she is being mean. He has the mean smile too. I don’t like it. He is going to do something bad.

  I look at the kitchen. My mum is in there. She is washing the dishes from dinner. They ate it already. I didn’t get any dinner. My mum told Craig I never want any and I just throw it away. But I do not. I just didn’t get to make it because stupid Craig was annoying and then he came in my room and made the time go away.

  He tells me I better go and get the coffee right now. I know I am going to be in trouble if I go in the kitchen. But if he tells my mum I smoke, then it will be bigger trouble. Then my mum will ask where I get them from and if I tell her, then my mum and dad won’t give me lunch money. Then I won’t have lunch and dinner.

  “Why don’t you go back home?” I say to him.

  “You want me to go home?” he asks me, he makes his eyebrows lift up. I look at my brother. He is watching. Then I look at Craig.

  “Yes, I do,” I say to him. I want him to go away.

  Craig gets off the sofa. Then he gets my arm and he twists it behind my back. He pushes it very hard and it hurts. Maybe he will break it. I tell him to stop it. I swear at him and tell him to get off. He laughs about it. “Say you’re sorry,” he says to me. He makes me get down on the floor because he twists my arm so much and it hurts.

  I tell him no. I shout at him that I am not sorry. He makes my arm hurt more. Then I have to say I am sorry or it will make me cry. I don’t want him to see me cry. No one ever gets to see it. I say I am sorry. He lets go and then tells me I better go and make his coffee right now.

  I get off the floor and go to the kitchen. I walk slow and then my mum doesn’t shout at me because I make too much noise and because I am not allowed in the kitchen. I stand at the door, but I don’t say anything. I wait until she sees I am there. Then she asks me, “What do you want?” She is mad because I disturb her. I tell her that Craig wants a coffee and he asked me to make it. She smiles very big about that. She looks past me at the lounge. “Well make him one then.”

  I do. I wish I could have one too. But I know I am not allowed. I don’t ask. I wish I could spit in his coffee. I think about doing it. But I don’t do that either. He will tell my mum and dad and then they will be mad because I did it on purpose. I just make the coffee and give it to him. He laughs at me when he says thank you. I hope he drops it and burns himself.

  I want to go into the garage. Then I can sit there and read and I can smell the petrol. My head is very tired inside. I wish I could go away. But Craig will come if I go there. Then he will spoil it and it won’t be my secret place anymore. Maybe I can go to the one under the house. I play under the house sometimes. It isn’t very big. I have to bend when I am in there. But it looks like all the rooms in the house. It is the same shape and then I get to hide in there. Sometimes me and my brother play houses in there.

  I sit on the floor again and we watch all of Robocop. My dad comes in. He was in his room reading after dinner. He tells my brother it is bedtime. Craig says it’s my bedtime too. I tell him to shut up. My dad tells me to watch how I speak to people. I fold my arms and stare at my dad and Craig. Maybe they can both go away and get lost.

  My dad tells my brother to go and get his pyjamas on. Then he tells me it is bedtime too. I don’t want to. I tell him I am not tired. I don’t go to bed at 9. Craig stands up. He is very much bigger than me. He comes over and he pulls my arms to make me stand up. I make myself all dead. Then it is hard for him to pick me up. But he pulls me. I kick him my hardest and shout at him. I tell him to stop it. I am not going to bed yet.

  Craig says I am. My dad says it too. They both laugh about it. My dad says I better start behaving. I shout at him and Craig. I swear at them both. My mum hears. She comes in the lounge too. My mum sighs. “He is always like this,” she says. “We don’t know why he can’t behave.”

  I swear at her too. I hate them. I hate them all very bad. Craig stands me up and then he carries me to the stairs. My dad points. “Upstairs right now,” he says.

  I don’t say anything else to them. They are all stupid. I wish they would get lost and leave me alone. I hate them all so much. I hate them.

  I hate them.

  I want to tell them that I do.

  I storm upstairs. My dad comes up too. I don’t go to my room because he opens his door and then he pushes me in there. I don’t say no. I don’t even have my pyjamas on yet. But I get in bed with my brother. I cross my arms and then I don’t look at my brother. My dad gets in the bed too.

  My brother goes to sleep very quickly. Then my dad starts with his hand over to me. I don’t stop him. I never stop him because I am so stupid. I close my eyes and then pretend I am asleep. I let him do the sex stuff. Then I pretend to wake up and I pull my pants up and go in my room.

  I don’t look in the mirror. I hate the boy in there. He makes it all bad. I wish he would die. I want to make him cry. I get my knife. I pull his sleeve up. Then I write I hate you in his arm. I write it lots of times until it starts to bleed a lot. Then it makes him cry. Good. He should cry.

  I get in bed and go to sleep. I hate them all. Maybe they can go away tomorrow forever.

  Forty Seven

  Maybe Craig just likes to be bad. He is bad all the time. My mum and dad told him to go away because he pinched some scissors. It made me sad that he went away. He was mean but I liked him when he was nice. He can’t be mean anymore. Maybe he just liked to be mean. I make everyone mean to me all the time. Maybe it is me that is bad.

  He asked me for money lots of times. When I was playing outside with my ball, he shouted for me and told me I was in trouble. It made me very scared inside. Maybe my dad was going to hit me because I was bad. I told him I wasn’t going inside, but he got my arm and he made it twist again. I didn’t like when he did that. It hurt very bad. It made me swear at him.

  I asked my mum what she wanted. But I didn’t go in the house because maybe they wanted to hit me. But she didn’t want me. She shouted at me because I was making a noise and in the way. Craig lied. He wanted to get some money for cigarettes. I told him I didn’t have any. But he said I was a liar. He told me maybe my mum would like to talk to about all the money. Then she could ask Rachel about it too. It made me scared inside. Maybe he knew I met Rachel all the time when my mum said no about it.

  I told Craig to go away. I said bad words to him. I told him I wish he got lost and went away forever. He said he was telling on me. I gave Craig some money for cigarettes. Then he went away. I wished he went away forever. But I didn’t mean it. Now he has. It makes me sad.

  He might not have anywhere to live. I think that maybe he is sad my mum and dad told him to get out. Maybe he sleeps outside. I look at the people when I walk past them. Maybe one will be him and I can say I am sorry. I look all the time, but I don’t ever see him. It has been a month since he went away. We haven’t seen him at all. He hasn’t called. When the phone rings, it makes me listen, then maybe it is him. But it isn’t ever Craig. My mum is sad about it. But she says it is his other mum and dad’s fault. If social services didn’t steal him away, then they wouldn’t have had him and made him bad.

  It is nearly bedtime. I have to go to bed because I have school in the morning. I can’t wait. I like school. Me and my brother si
t on the floor and we play Lego. My mum lets us make a big Lego town and then we play it with the cars and they drive through the Lego town. My mum said we can play because my brother is bored. He doesn’t have any friends because he is fat and stupid. So she tells him to play with me. I made a big pirate ship.

  Someone knocks at the door at the front. It is dark. My mum comes out of the kitchen. Then my dad answers the door. My dad shouts my mum. It is Craig at the door. Me and my brother sit and be quiet then we can listen to what they are saying. But my mum tells us we have to go upstairs. I take my brother upstairs. But he goes in my room. I sit on the top of the stairs and look through my sneaking hole and then my mum and dad don’t see.

  My mum didn’t shut the door properly. Then Sheba opened it because she went to see who was at the door too. Craig says he is sorry. He didn’t steal the scissors. He just doesn’t know where he put them. He asks if he can come and stay. He doesn’t have anywhere to go. My dad is mad about it. He tells him he talked to his other mum and dad and they said he is bad too. Maybe Craig is bad like me. Maybe he has it inside like I do. My dad says he can’t come in. They don’t want a thief and a liar in the house. It makes me think about the money. Because I am a liar and a thief. I tell my mum and dad lots of lies and I steal lots of money out of my dad’s pocket. Maybe if they know about it, then I have to sleep outside too.

  Craig is sad. It makes me sad inside. He is very sorry for everything. He didn’t mean to make it all bad. My mum says if he gives the scissors back, maybe he can come back. But he says he doesn’t know. They talk for a long time. It is maybe two hours. It is past my bedtime. They tell him to go away. My dad says if he doesn’t, he might break his legs.

  My mum and dad come inside the house. They say lots of things about it. It makes my mum shout. She is mad because he came to the house. He didn’t have any right to come to the house like that. His other mum and dad spoilt him. Now he is damaged goods. That’s what she calls him. My brother has fallen asleep on my bed. He didn’t want to listen. It was boring. He better not pee on my bed or I will be mad at him. He pees the bed every night. Sometimes he does it lots of times. It makes my mum mad. She has to clean the sheets every day. My dad calls him the pissy fat kid. It makes him cry.

  I sneak down the stairs so my mum and dad don’t shout at me. I ask my mum if Craig has gone away now. My dad goes to make some tea. My mum sits down on the sofa. I don’t because I am not allowed and she didn’t tell me to. I stand in the place I am allowed that is next to Sheba’s water. My mum is very sad. She tells me Craig doesn’t have anywhere to stay. She tells me all about what they said. “We told him to go back home to his mother and father,” she says, then she cries again.

  “I don’t know why it went wrong,” she says. “Did I make him bad? You are bad too. Maybe it is me that makes you all like that.”

  I tell her no. She didn’t make us bad. We were bad already. It is inside. That is why the bad man comes But I don’t tell her about the bad man part. I tell her she is a nice mum. She is the best mum in the world. We are just very bad. Maybe it is because he has a mean mum and dad. My mum nods. Then she blows her nose. “It’s because they spoilt him,” she says. “They give him whatever he wants and now he thinks he can take whatever he wants.”

  I nod about it and tell her she is right. “Spoilt people are always mean,” I say to her. It isn’t her fault. I sit with my mum for a long time. We talk about Craig and the social worker. She talks about lots of things. She is sad because they made Craig bad. Then she asks me if I can smell smoking. I sniff up. I can. I try to see where it is coming from. But it is in the room. My mum sniffs more too. She shouts my dad. He has gone to bed. She stands at the bottom of the stairs and shouts him. He gets up and comes down because she shouts him lots of times. He tells her to shut up yelling.

  My mum tells him about the smoke. He sighs about it and then smells it himself. He can smell it too. We walk around the house. It is from the bathroom. But there isn’t anyone in there. I don’t smoke in the house. My mum and dad smoke at the back door. But it is smoke like they are smoking now. Not old smoke.

  I crouch down and tell my mum it is coming from the bathroom floor. My mum says maybe it is a ghost. They make lots of smells when they want people to know they are there. I think Craig is under the house. She asks if he can get under there and I say yes. I have lots of things in there. It looks like the rooms inside the house. It has lots of walls and things. I hide cushions from the old sofa there and me and Jason used to play under there. But it isn’t very high. We have to bend down and Craig is very tall. Maybe he crawled.

  My dad goes to get his pants on. Then he goes in the back garden to the hole to get under the house. My mum goes too. I stand at the corner and hide. Then I don’t get shouted at. I don’t like the garden when it is dark. I can see all the hiding places. It makes me think about the church people. Sometimes we went to places with lots of trees and flowers. They made me run through them. Then they chased me. I don’t like it. It makes me think about the cat the man killed. Maybe he was going to get me too. He came out of the trees. I ran away. I don’t like to think about it. But my brain is stupid. It makes me look. Maybe he is there. Maybe he can come. Like the bad man.

  My mum shouts Craig’s name in the hole. She tells him to come out. But he doesn’t answer. My dad gets up and then he goes to the garage. He sees me at the corner. “Get back in the house,” he says. I say okay. But I want to stay. I hide so my dad doesn’t see me when he comes back with wood from the garage.

  He puts it over the hole and then he gets the nails and he hammers the wood so the hole is covered up. He puts lots of wood until the hole is all gone. Then he puts more wood over that and then Craig can’t get out. I have to run back in the house before my mum and dad see that I didn’t go inside. I run all the way to the stairs then they think I went to bed. My mum and dad are shouting about lots of things. The door bangs.

  I don’t sleep all night. I think about Craig under the house. I wake up lots of times about it. Maybe he is scared in there. There is no light and it is very dark. Maybe the bad man can get him and then when it is morning, he will be dead and broken. Maybe the bad man bites him lots of times because he couldn’t get away.

  I make my stupid head think about other things. I don’t want to think about the dark. It makes me think about the bad man. If I think about him, then he comes to get me. He knows when I think about him. My mum says I make him come. I don’t want to. He makes me too scared.

  I am very tired when it is morning. But I have to go to school. I ask my mum and dad for my lunch money. They are still in bed. My mum grabs my hands and then she smells them. She asks me about the touching myself part again. I don’t like it. I go out of the house very fast. I don’t get time to ask about Craig. I hope he is okay.

  I think about Craig all day at school. I don’t tell anyone about it. When it is hometime, I run very fast. Maybe my mum let him out from under the house.

  My mum says that he tried to bash the wood away so she called the police. Then the police came and they were going to send the dogs in there to get him. So he came out and then the police took him away. Now he doesn’t come back. Not ever.

  “Hopefully we won’t see him again,” my mum says. I feel sad about it.

  Forty Eight

  I love chemistry very much. It is my favourite class. I like to sit at the front. I like the teacher too. Mr. Royal is very nice. He lets me talk to him. I told him about Craig. I didn’t tell him he got locked under the house. But I told him that he had to go away because he stole my mum’s scissors. Mr. Royal said that wasn’t very nice of him to do. Maybe my mum and dad won’t be mad at him for a long time.

  I think they will. They are always mad. It makes me sad. I don’t get to see Craig again. I wish he didn’t have to go away.

  I don’t like that I have to sit next to Lewis in chemistry. He is stupid. I don’t tell anyone else about Craig. I sit there very quiet and Lewis says I look like a
baby because I am sad. Maybe I am going to cry. Then others laugh about it. I tell Lewis to shut his face. I have to sit next to Lewis because his last name starts with the same letter as mine and Mr. Royal puts us all in alphabetical order. Then Lewis doesn’t sit with his best friend, Chris. Chris has to sit at the back because his last name has a different letter.

  I sit at the front anyway. I sit there in all the classes. I try to get there first. I like the front. Lots of people says it makes me a teacher’s pet. But I don’t care. I like to be there. Then I can get lots of A’s so I can be a doctor. They are just stupid because they mess about. Then they don’t do their homework and they don’t get good marks.

  Chris throws things to Lewis when we are in chemistry. Then sometimes they hit me instead and he laughs about it. It makes him do it again. I ignore him. He throws a ball of paper at Lewis. But it hits me at the back of my head. I pick it up.

  “Give me the paper,” Lewis says to me. But I don’t. I open it. I don’t read it. I pull a bit of the paper off. Lewis starts to shout at me for it. He tries to take it out of my hand. But I move and then he can’t get it. I rip it in half. He tells me to stop it because it is important. I laugh at him. It is tough. He doesn’t get to have it back. I don’t care. He can cry about it. I throw the bits of paper at Lewis so they go in his face. He tells me I better stop right now. I don’t. I pick them all up off the table, then I blow them at him. He gets very mad about it. He swears at me and pushes me off the stool. Mr. Royal isn’t in the classroom yet. I don’t behave bad when he is there. I am always good. Lewis calls me teacher’s pet again. Someone else says maybe I have sex with Mr. Royal. It makes me feel scared inside because maybe they know I have sex with my dad. I tell them to shut up. Sometimes they say it outside and I hit them for it. I don’t like when they say bad things to me. I don’t let them try and bully me. I am bigger. I can beat them in lots of fights.