My back hurts a lot when I try to lean on the wall. They are hard. I try and rub it and then lean slowly. When it doesn’t hurt, I shut my eyes and hug myself to make the shivering stop. Maybe God can take me away when I go to sleep, like my mum. I ask my mum to forgive me for what I did. I am sorry.
In the morning, a milk wagon wakes me up. I hear it rattle and it makes me jump. My eyes snap open and I sit upright. I forget that my back hurts, but then it hurts very bad, and I try not to cry like a baby about it. I try to pull my shirt away from my skin, but it is stuck there. It feels like I pull tape off when I try to move it away.
My clothes are nearly dry, though. I feel very horrible. Like when I have a cold and it makes my legs ache. My hands hurt from the night. I move them and try to make them not sore. I open and close them many times until it feels wet. They are bleeding again. I watch the blood. My head feels dizzy. I know I have to get up soon. It must be six in the morning because the milkman is out. Soon, people will come to catch the bus, and then they will ask why I am there, and someone will make me go home to my dad. But he doesn’t want me, not anymore.
Seventy Four
I look in my bag for some things. My dad had thrown some clothes too. I try to take my shirt off. It makes me bite my lip because it stings, but it is dirty and horrible. When I get it off and look, the back is ripped. It has holes in it and there is blood in it. Maybe my back is all cut. I get a t-shirt from my bag and put that on.
I don’t leave my shirt at the bus shelter. What if someone finds it, and then knows it is mine? Then they will be nosey and find me and take me back to my dad, but he doesn’t want me, so he will get mad and hit me. I put it in my bag instead. I can throw it in the bin later when no one is looking. I put my jacket around my waist; it is too hot to wear it.
I don’t know where to go. I just walk again. I walk until my legs are too tired, and I swing my bag because I can't be bothered to carry it. People walk past me and go to school. The roads get busy, and then they get quiet again when everyone has got to school and work. My throat feels dry inside. I haven’t had anything to drink for hours. I haven’t had anything to eat, either. My stomach rumbles, but I don’t have any money.
I walk to Michelle’s house. I haven’t seen her since my mum – I haven’t seen her for many days. I don’t care right now if she is mad at me. Everyone is, but I am too tired. My head hurts so bad. When I walk, it bangs when I take a step, and sometimes I have to stop just so it does, but then I feel dizzy. I just want to go to sleep. I don’t feel very well inside. I stand outside her house. It feels very strange to look at it. Perhaps they will all tell me to get lost.
She sees me. She doesn’t come out at first. She stands and stares at me, and maybe she wishes I would get lost, but she doesn’t. She smiles, and then she runs over to me and hugs me. Then, she stops and looks at me. “What happened to your face?” she asks me.
“It’s nothing,” I say to her. I don’t want her to know. I don’t want to tell her my dad did it. She wouldn’t understand. She would think he is bad when he isn’t. It’s me. It’s all my fault. I ruined everything. I deserve what he did. I am the bad one. I make it all bad.
“Tell me,” she says.
I sigh. “I just got into a fight, that’s all.”
Lewis and Rebecca are at Michelle’s house. I didn’t know they were there. I didn’t even realise it was so late. I have been walking all day. I guess school is finished. They don’t say many things to me. Maybe they don’t know what to say. I ask Lewis for a cigarette and he gives me one. “Do you have cider too?” I ask.
He grins at me. “Of course.” He goes to get me some and brings it out to me. I close my eyes for a second and smoke my cigarette. Lewis hands me the mug, and I drink the cider too. “You didn’t come to school today,” he says to me.
I shrug. “I will another day,” I say to him. I don’t care, but I don’t tell him that part. We sit and laugh and joke about lots of things. I try to smile, but then I think about things, and my smile goes away, and I have to remember to do it. I sit and listen and smoke instead.
“Are you getting a lift with Alan?” Rebecca asks me when it is almost nine. I hadn’t thought about it really. I hadn’t told them I have nowhere to go. They would think I was a loser. They would know I made it so we crashed and my mum died.
“Sure,” I say to her. I wish I could tell her the truth, but I know she won’t understand. Maybe she would let me stay if I told her, but maybe her mum would call the police or something, and then they would take me back to my dad. So I don’t say anything. I say goodbye, give her a kiss and tell her I will see her again tomorrow.
I go with Rebecca to Alan’s lock up, and then he gives me a ride to my dad’s or the street next to it, like always. I walk up my dad’s road, but I do it slowly while Alan is still there. When he drives away, I turn around and walk the other way. I just walk again. My feet hurt and I am so tired, but I have to walk to somewhere.
I go to the park that is near my Nan’s house. It’s next to the junior school I used to go to. There is a slide there. It is tall, but it also has a tree house at the top. I climb all the way up to that and curl up with my bags. I stole some bread from Michelle’s house when I was making tea for her dad. I also stole some milk. They didn’t see. I hope they don’t notice it. I hide in the corner, eat some bread, drink some milk and fall asleep where no one can see me.
I sleep many nights in the park. It isn’t too cold. Just when it rains and there is wind. But if I curl right up, then it doesn’t come in so much. I don’t like the bus shelters so much. They smell like pee and sweat. Alan gives me a ride home every night, and then I take all day to walk back to Michelle’s house while she is at school. At the weekend, I get to stay there and sleep and eat and have a shower. It makes me sad on Sundays when I have to go again, because they think I go home.
When I am walking to Michelle’s, I go into the shops. I go different ways every day, so it’s different shops every day. I take food and water. I don’t take a lot because then they might catch me, and my dad will find out, and then I will be in trouble again. But I am good at shop lifting; I don’t get caught.
Two weeks go past very fast. I walk to Michelle’s every day, steal food and water, and then I get a ride home from Alan, just so I can sleep in the park and then start walking again. I haven’t been to school, and I haven’t done anything. I haven’t seen my dad or even my Nan. I miss her very bad. I wish I didn’t make it all wrong.
Alan drives me home like normal. He takes Lewis home first, though, and then he takes Rebecca home. He says he has to do something near my house so if it is okay, can he take me home last. I say it is. I don’t mind. But it makes me a little bit afraid because we are alone in the car, and it is dark. But he stops the car near my dad’s house where he normally drops me off. “Wait,” he says, though, before I get out of the car. I stop and look at him. He doesn’t look angry, but maybe he is inside, and maybe I did something wrong. “What’s going on?” he asks me.
I don’t know what he means. I shrug my shoulders. “Nothing.”
“I don’t believe you,” he says. “If you don’t start talking, I'm going to drive to your parents’ house and find out what’s going on.”
I stare at the road that goes to my dad’s. I don’t want him to go there and ask. It makes me think like when the fisherman took me home. Everyone has to get in everyone else’s business all the time. I don’t know why. I want to run away, but I know I can’t. If I do, then he will go to my dad and my dad will tell him. I try not to cry about everything. I know I have to tell him.
“You can tell me, you know.” He opens the glove box and gets out some cigarettes. They are his wife’s. He gives me one and I light it. “I know you just lost your mum.”
I smoke the cigarette, and I watch the ash on it get longer. I don’t look at Alan. I don’t want him to know I am too bad. “My dad threw me out,” I say to him.
“When?” he asks, and I tell him a few days ago.
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“You should have said. I could have given you a lift . Where are you staying?”
I don’t answer him. I don’t want to tell him I sleep in the park. I am stupid and no one wants me.
“You aren’t staying anywhere, are you?” he asks, but he doesn’t wait for an answer. “Do you want to come and stay with me?”
I nod at him after a minute, but I still don’t look at him.
His house is nice; it is small. Not like my dad’s. It just has a couple of bedrooms. His wife shows me to the spare room at the front. It is just little. It has a bed in it and some drawers; that is it. She gets me some of Alan’s clothes and tells me I can use them. They are a little too big, but they are clean. She asks if I want a shower or something to eat. I nod at her, but I don’t say anything. What if she gets mad and tells me to go away?
When I have had a shower and some coffee and toast, I say I will go to bed. His wife shows me to the spare room again. I get in bed, and she turns the light off. I don’t know why, but I cry. I don’t mean to. It just comes out, and I cry until I fall to sleep. I sleep all night.
When I wake up, Alan and his wife are already up too. They are downstairs. I can hear them. I make my bed and fold my clothes. Then I go downstairs too. I stand at the door so they don’t get mad at me, but his wife tells me to come in and asks if I want something to eat. I look at my feet and nod.
They ask me about my dad, and if I want to go back there. I tell him no. I don’t tell him I made my mum die, and now my dad hates me. I just say that we fell out, and I can't go back. They ask if I want to stay there. Maybe they can ask my dad. Maybe it will make things better if me and my dad just get on each other’s nerves all the time. I say yes.
A few weeks later, my dad signs the papers. He signs me away. He doesn’t ask any questions. He doesn’t ask me to stay. He doesn’t even look at me. He just signs the papers and leaves.
He just gave me away.
Seventy Five
(Age Sixteen)
It has been nearly a year since my mum died. I think about her all the time. I am sorry she is gone. It’s gone very fast. It’s just been her birthday too. I don’t like February. It makes me think about her, and then no one can get her anything. She is all alone still.
I have nearly finished school. Just five more months and then it is done. I can't wait. My marks are so bad, though, so it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I live with Alan. When I leave school, I will get a proper job. I just have a paper round at the moment. I don’t give it up because then I have to ask Alan for money, and I don’t like to.
I like living with him and his wife. He is nice. But I miss my dad and brother. I don’t speak to them really. I didn’t speak to them on my birthday or Christmas. Maybe they had a good time because I wasn’t there. Sometimes, I talk to my dad on the phone. Sometimes he is nice. When he has had too much to drink, then he says he misses me. I don’t let him hear me get sad about it. Then, he tells me I should have died and not my mum. I know that too. I try to wish it, but it doesn’t happen.
He tells me about my brother and all the things they have done. Sounds like they have a real nice time now I am not there. I always knew they would. Sometimes, I wish he would take me too, but I don’t ask. Sometimes, I wish he loved me, but I know he doesn’t. I don’t tell him about things I am doing. He doesn’t want to know anyway, and he doesn’t ask.
He tells me about the places they go to or where they are going. “Maybe you can come too?” he says sometimes, but then when it gets to the day, he forgets and doesn’t come and get me. I wait. Many times I stand at the window and his car never shows up. I don’t ask him about it next time. Sometimes, he even calls me the night before to make sure I still want to go, but he hasn’t picked me up, not even once. I'm such an idiot I think he will.
Maybe it is me that gets it wrong? Maybe it is just because I wish he would take me, or I get the day or time wrong. I am a fool to believe that something will change, and my dad will want me to be in his family. I am nothing.
He promises again, and I make sure I remember it. I say it over and over and write it down like I had to do for the doctor with my mum. Then I know I don’t get it wrong, but still he doesn’t come, and I waited so long. I sat at the chair in the window and waited. I don’t tell Alan about it, though. He would think I was an idiot too. Not even my dad wants me. Then Alan would know I must be bad.
I just go to Michelle’s house instead. I go there every day, and Alan brings me home still. I like Alan’s house, but I don’t like to be in his way, or maybe he will get sick of me and tell me to leave. So I hang out with my friends. Lewis makes me mad sometimes. He says stupid things about his mum. At least he has one. At least she loves him. Not like me and my mum. She didn’t love me. Not once. It makes me mad when I think about her. She was stupid too. All the things she used to say. When I think about them, they make me mad. I wish she was here so I can ask her about them. But she isn’t, and that’s my fault. Why would Alan want me around too?
Me, Lewis, Rebecca and Michelle sit in the caravan and we smoke pot and drink cider like we do every night. At least I have that to look forward too. Lewis opens the cider and asks for Rebecca’s cup so he can fill it up for her. “No thanks,” she says to him. “I’m a few days late.”
Lewis sighs about it and I do too. She does this every month. But she isn’t ever pregnant. He doesn’t bother about it now. He says she does it all the time so he is used to it. Sometimes we talk about it. He laughs because she is on the pill, so she can't get pregnant. He says she just likes to do it for attention. He doesn’t really like her anymore, but he doesn’t know how to tell her.
He asks for Michelle’s cup. She looks away. “Maybe I shouldn’t have any either,” she says. Then she looks at me. She whispers, “I am three months late.”
Rebecca starts swearing. She jumps up from her seat and says, “Oh, my God” so many times I want to tell her to shut up. I just stare at Michelle.
“I am already a week late for the fourth month,” she says to me. Rebecca asks so many questions, and she is so excited about it that she jumps up and down. Me and Michelle might have a baby. I am only 16. I can't.
Lewis gives me a cigarette, and we go and stand outside. I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know what to think. My brain can't make it all make sense. I keep seeing it in my head. She is late. I know she is. I didn’t get told to stop anytime because it was that time in the month. I didn’t even realise. I didn’t notice. I stand with my cigarette and lean against the side of the caravan.
We wait until Saturday to buy a test. Then, I can get the money from my paper round and with Michelle’s pocket money. We catch the bus into town to get one. I don’t want anyone to see us if we buy it near her house or Alan’s. Then they will know, and maybe Alan will throw me out too, or my dad will know, and he will get mad at me for it.
We go to the main town and buy one in the big shop. But we don’t get it right away. We get one off the shelf and look around in case anyone sees us. Maybe there will be people from school or something, and then everyone will know, even if it is negative. When we buy it, we run out of the shop as fast as we can and all the way back to Michelle’s house.
I am so nervous inside. I haven’t eaten today. I didn’t sleep last night. I can't. I can't do anything but think about that stupid test. Even at school, I think about it, and then I miss what the teachers are saying. Not that that matters; I don’t listen anyway. Lewis and Rebecca are there. They wanted to be there. I think I smoke all of my cigarettes in one go.
Rebecca asks if she can go to the bathroom with Michelle while she does the test, but Michelle says no. If she goes with her and her mum comes home, then she might come up too. So Michelle does it by herself, and I stand outside with Lewis. Rebecca is talking so much about how great a baby would be and what we can all do. I just wish she would stop talking, but she doesn’t. Not until Lewis tells her to just shut up.
I don’t know what I am suppo
sed to do while we wait. I stare inside the house and up the stairs and wait for her to come out. It takes so long. My hands shake because I am so afraid. I try to light another cigarette. I wish she would just hurry up so then we know.
Michelle opens the door, and then she comes down the stairs. It feels like she walks very slowly. She doesn’t look at me while she walks down the stairs. I don’t need her to say the answer. I already know. I can see by her face that the test is positive. She isn’t crying, but she looks scared when she comes outside. We walk to the end of the garden, and she looks around in case her mum or someone comes. She shows me the test. “I’m pregnant,” she says to me.
I don’t know why, but I can't help but smile. I am scared and I don’t know how to look after a baby. I don’t know anything. I am just 16. I put my arms around her and hug her very tight. She hugs me back. I am happy. Maybe it isn’t really real. Maybe I am just dreaming.
Seventy Six
It feels like a dream; no part of it is real. We took the test away from the house, and I put it in a public bin far away. It was stupid, but it felt like maybe someone would find it, and then they would know it was ours. I even check no one would see when I put it in the bin, but we wrapped it up in a bag and lots of paper, and no one will really know what it is, but I feel scared they will.
When it has gone in the bin, we all walk back to Michelle’s house again. “Was it really positive? We read it right? You’re sure it was?” I ask. She says yes, but I try to remember. Maybe we got it all wrong.
Nothing feels real at all. Even when I go home to Alan’s house, I can't believe that she is pregnant; that she has a baby inside and I will be its dad. I can't be someone’s dad. It’s too strange. I don’t tell anyone; just Lewis knows about it at school, and Rebecca. She is happy about it. She can't wait. She says she is going to be Aunty Becky.
Goodbye Teddy Page 33
