Monday comes and I go to classes with Lewis and hang out with him at the ditch and smoke, but we just talk about normal things. He tries to ask me questions about the baby, but I am not ready to talk about them yet. I change the subject. I don’t want anyone to hear, either. Then it would get back to my dad or someone, and I would be in huge trouble.
After school, I do my paper round, and then I go to Michelle’s house. “I told my mum,” she says to me straight away when I get there, and suddenly I feel very scared. “I can't hide it for long,” she says, and she shows me her belly. It wasn’t flat anyway, but I can see it when she stands and sticks it out. She gets my hand and puts it there. “My mum says it’s hard because the baby is in there.” It feels funny. A week ago, I didn’t think about her belly like that.
“What did your mum say?” I ask her, but I am afraid. Maybe she called my dad.
“She said there wasn’t anything she could do about it now. Now we just have to deal with it.” She looks down at her hands. I am a little mad with her that she didn’t wait for me or ask me if it was okay to tell her mum. Her mum waves at me from inside the house, and I wave back. “Are you okay?” she asks me, and I nod my head. “My mum says you have until the end of the week to tell Alan, or she is going to do it.”
My stomach turns upside down inside. The cold goes all the way down my back and in that moment, I want to run away. I can't breathe. What if he makes me leave?
“My mum says it’s only fair he knows.” She is right, but I don’t want to tell him. I don’t like that Michelle’s mum says I have to tell him. It makes me scared and mad. I will tell him when I want to.
I try all week to tell him. Sometimes, when he is in the kitchen cooking or just making coffee, I stand and stare at him. The words are in my mouth, and I just need to spit them out. But I can't, they won’t come. They jump back down my throat and go away. I'm so afraid. What if he tells me to leave? I can't go to my dad’s. I haven’t heard from him for weeks, so he doesn’t care. I don’t want to live on the street again. I only did it for two weeks, but it felt like a long time.
I don’t tell him. Michelle says she will come with me on Friday, and we can tell him together. I have my paper round first, and then she is going to meet me at the house, and we can tell him together. I go to Michelle's for the weekends. She says maybe if we tell him Friday, then he has all weekend to calm down about it. It still makes me scared, though.
When I finish school on Friday, I can't even look at Alan. I rush in, get my bike and go deliver my papers. I can hardly think as I ride. Normally, I put music on in my stereo, but even that isn’t working. All I can think about is Alan and that I have to tell him. I do the paper round as fast as I can. It’s a huge round. Sometimes, it takes me two hours to do. When I am done, I take my bag back to the shop and then cycle back to Alan’s. I hope Michelle isn’t there yet. I am so afraid. I feel sick inside.
I go to the house and open the front door. Alan is there. “I want a word with you,” he says to me. Michelle is behind him. She has told him. I want to run away. Maybe I can just go. My stomach turns over. I don’t want him to be mad at me. I put my head down and tell him I know. My hands shake and my mouth is dry. I try to get my bike in the house. I watch where he is in case he decides to hit me when I don’t expect it, but he doesn’t.
“I’m not mad,” he says to me. My dad used to say that too, then he would hit me. But maybe Alan won’t in front of Michelle. When I go into the lounge, I try to make myself not very close to him, then I can get away if he tries anything. He doesn’t, though. He sits on one of the chairs. Michelle and I stand by the television. “What do you want to do about it?” he asks us. “Have you thought about your options? Abortion?”
Michelle shakes her head. “I don’t believe in abortion,” she says. “I want to keep the baby.”
He looks at me. “Do you want to live here still? Or are you going to move in with Michelle now.”
I don’t really know what to say. I want to stay with him, but maybe he doesn’t want me to. Maybe that’s why he asks. “I want to stay,” I whisper. He smiles.
“Well shit, you got yourself into a good old mess this time, didn’t you?” He isn’t mad at us. He doesn’t shout at all. He says he will help whatever we decide to do, but I have to sort myself out at school and college. “You’re going to be someone’s dad; you can't just not do schoolwork like you have been. You’re a smart kid.”
I know he is right. I just don’t know how. I don’t have school anymore. I can't be a doctor now. I don’t have anything else.
Seventy Seven
Everything is crazy and busy. Everything just goes too fast. I haven’t told my dad about the baby and soon it’s going to be here. I haven’t seen him, though, but I don’t actually want to tell him. I don’t want to listen to him when he gets mad about it. Then he’ll just come around and hit me or something. So I haven’t said anything to him. I am sure he doesn’t care anyway.
Michelle's mum says the pregnancy has been real easy. I don’t know what that means. I didn’t know it could be hard too. But all Michelle does is sleep. When I come home from school and do my paper round, then I go around to her house. But at six she is asleep, and I lie there and read until I have to go home at nine. I have exams soon so I don’t mind. I know I can't get good marks now, and I know I can't be a doctor, but maybe I can try to pass them a little bit.
Alan asks me why don’t I think about art school. I like to draw. I show the pictures to him sometime times. I make comic books and draw all of those. My mum always said it was stupid. No artist ever gets rich, is what she used to say. But Alan thinks maybe I can do something with it. I just have to get through my exams.
I haven’t done any of the assignments in the last two years. I can't even catch them up because the deadlines are all gone. All I have are the exams. Maybe if I get full marks in those, I can get some C’s. Alan says don’t worry if I can't, I can always do them again at college - my maths and English anyway. He says I need those, whatever I do.
We get to July 15th, when the baby is due. The day comes and goes, and me and Michelle and her mum and Alan can't wait. I saved up my pocket money and bought the baby a crib. It rocks and is made from wood. We got it from the secondhand shop, but it doesn’t matter. I sanded all the paint off it, and then Alan let me buy some varnish for it, and I painted it. It looks real cosy now. Michelle's mum got some special blankets for it and bumper things for the side. She says babies have to have those, or they roll over and bang their heads.
Michelle can't wait for him to come. We don’t know he is a boy, but Michelle says he feels like a boy. We have been to scans and things, but he hides. Alan says he is being a pain like me, but he laughs about it. We’re going to name him William, or Will for short, but if he is a girl, then maybe we will call him Callie. I hope it is really a girl, then maybe she isn’t like me, and she doesn’t have bad parts in her like I do.
It’s the 18th of July today. Michelle has had her hair done. Her mum wanted to do it to cheer her up. She is getting sad because the baby doesn’t come. Yesterday, she cried because it started to rain. She is very tired, though. She says the baby has made her wet herself many times today. It lies on her bladder, her mum tells us. I laugh, but she smacks me in the arm and tells me I am mean.
We lie on the bed, and Michelle watches the television while I read. I have a couple more exams to do, and then it’s all done. Michelle makes me jump. She gets out of bed so fast and then runs into the house. I don’t even know what’s wrong. She runs up the stairs, and I run after her and wait on the stairs and listen. Maybe she just needed the toilet, but then she starts to shout for her mum, and she runs up the stairs too. Her mum goes in the bathroom; her waters have broken. Her mum asks me to go and get her some clean pants. The baby is coming. I am afraid.
They go in the car, and we put her bags in there. I go on my bike. I have school in the morning. I race to hospital; I can get there faster because I can ride
through the park and take the shortcut anyway. I lock my bike up next to her mum’s car, and her mum goes inside to get someone. The porter comes outside with a wheelchair for Michelle. I help her to get up, but when she moves her water breaks some more and makes her pants wet. Her mum tells her not to worry, it’s supposed to happen.
We go into the room, and we help Michelle get onto the bed. She has to wait for the nurse to come and look at her. The nurse takes a long time, but when she does come, she says we need to go to the delivery suite because Michelle is already far along, and she would like to get her comfortable. We follow them. They wheel her to this other room; it is big and there is a bed that is kind of funny shaped because the feet part comes off so she can hang on the edge. There is a chair next to the bed, and then there is a plastic baby crib. It has blankets and a name sticker. I stare at it. There’s going to be a baby in there soon. It feels so strange. I tell myself I am going to be a dad, but it doesn’t sound right.
Michelle has to have a thing around her belly. We can hear the baby’s heartbeat. It sounds like a fast train. She has another one too, which says when the contractions are coming. The line on it starts to go up, and then me and her mum know to stand up and hold her hand.
For eight hours, I stand there next to her. She is tired. I am tired too. It is almost 3am. I don’t like when she has contractions. Her mum watches the machine. Michelle says she wants to push, and the nurse tells her to if that’s what she wants to do. Her mum holds her other hand. There is another nurse; she holds her leg. She crushes my hand, and I try to hug her at the same time. I watch as his head comes out. He comes out very fast after his head, and the nurse slides him all the way out and puts him on Michelle's belly. He is messy. He is a boy. It is 2:54 a.m.
I am a dad.
It all happens very fast after that. They take him away to the other side of the room. They have to clean him and weigh him and things, but Michelle is bleeding. She is bleeding a lot. The nurse shouts for someone, and she has to change the bowl under her. Many doctors come in. They run around, and the blood is everywhere. Michelle tries to fall asleep, but her mum tells her to wake up.
It makes me scared inside. What if she dies? I watch them all; they all run about and try to stop the bleeding. There is so much. It just pours out and goes everywhere. I don’t want her to die. Her mum starts to cry. Michelle doesn’t know; she just tries to sleep. The doctor comes over. “We have to take her to theatre,” he says. “We have to remove the placenta manually; it’s making her haemorrhage.”
He leans down to Michelle and tells her they have to take her to fix her. He is very nice. He asks her if she wants to sleep, or if she just wants to be numbed from the waist down. She says sleep. She says she is so tired. Her mum gets upset about it. They can't put her to sleep.
“She’s been eating and drinking all day; she can't have any anaesthesia.”
“If we don’t take her to theatre right now, she is going to die,” he says. They lower the top of the bed and wheel her away.
Her mum stands back, and then she puts her arms around me. She is crying. All the nurses go away except a couple. “She will be okay,” one of them says to us. “Would you like to see your son?” she asks me.
My son? It feels so strange that he is here. I nod at her, and she brings him over in his little plastic crib thing. He has a blue blanket wrapped all around him and a little white hat on. I look at him. I want to touch him, but I am afraid. His hand is out of the blanket. I touch his fingers, and they are so small. He opens his eyes and is looking at me. They are blue. I lean on the side of the cot and watch him. I smile at him, because he is so perfect and I love him so much. I didn’t think I would, but I do. “Hi,” I say to him. I touch his cheeks and his nose. His skin is so soft; it feels like feathers and cotton wool. He opens his mouth.
“Do you want to hold him?” one of the nurses says to me. I nod, but I am scared. I might drop him. I might hurt him, and he is so little. She reaches in and picks him up, and she tells me to go and sit in the big comfortable chair in the corner. She tells me to put my arms out, and she puts him in my arms. I can't stop staring at him. I just watch him, and I wish I didn’t ever have to move.
I’m going to be the best dad ever. I tell him inside my head. Michelle's mum comes over, and she strokes his face. I ask if she wants to hold him, and she says yes and nods. She is crying again. We take turns to hold him until Michelle comes back. She is asleep. They are going to take her to the ward soon. It is after 6 a.m. I am tired. I have school soon.
“You can go home if you want to,” Michelle's mum says to me. “Do you want me to call Alan to pick you up?”
I shake my head and tell her no. I want to ride my bike home. I say goodbye to Will and Michelle. I wish I could stay there forever, but I can't. I walk out of the hospital. It all feels so strange. Like when my mum died, no one knows how my life has just changed again. They walk past me like I am no one and nothing special has happened, but it has.
The sun is shining outside. I go and stand in the sun, I light a cigarette, and when it is finished, I just stand there and cry. I don’t know why I do it. I don’t even know what I am crying for.
.
Seventy Eight
I am surprised I make it to first break at school before someone sends me home. I peddled all the way to Alan’s, got changed and went to school. I told Alan about Will, of course. He couldn’t wait to hear when I walked through the door and asked why I didn’t call him to come and get me, but I don’t really know. I just wanted to ride home. I don’t know what I was supposed to do or think; going to school seemed like the easiest option. So that’s what I did, and now I'm falling asleep. My head feels so tired and so excited all at the same time.
I’m a dad. I say it so much, but it doesn’t make any sense. I tell them at school my son was born, but I don’t have pictures yet. It’s only a revision class I am in. My teacher comes and crouches beside me. “Go home,” she says, and I nod.
I do, of course, but I don’t rest for long. I can't. I sleep for maybe a couple of hours, and then Alan asks if he can take me to hospital. He wants to meet Will. “Why?” I ask him.
“Because I’d like to see him,” he says, and he frowns at me.
I frown back. “I didn’t think you would be interested,” I say to him. He looks hurt, but I didn’t think he was. It surprises me he takes an interest in my life. Especially the good things. No one ever did before. I tell him I would like him to come. He smiles about it.
Michelle will have to stay in the hospital for four days. I go and see them every chance I have. I can't stop looking at him. My Nan came too. She smiled so big that I thought she might make her face split open. She hugged him so much she squashed him. I didn’t think she was going to let him go.
“Has your father seen him yet?” she asks me, and I shake my head.
“He doesn’t know about him,” I say to them, and both my Nan and Alan look at me and want to know why, but I don’t tell them. When I talk to him on the phone, he is drunk. I don’t want to tell him. He doesn’t know what I do in my life. He doesn’t care. He signed me away. He didn’t want me. No one ever does. So why should I tell him? They stop asking about it.
Michelle and Will come home on the Saturday, and I spend all my spare time there with them. I hate when I have to go home at night because I miss them so much. But I call her in the morning, and she lets me listen to him. I love him so much too. Sometimes, it makes me cry because I just want to go there and touch him and hold him. I get scared something bad will happen when I am not there.
I finish school and all my exams. I know I haven’t done very well. I wish I could go back and do it properly, but it doesn’t matter now. Me and Alan went to the art college. I showed them my art, and they said I could get onto the art diploma with just that. I didn’t need my exams, but I decided that I would do my maths and English again, and I would take some art classes at the same time. Alan thinks it’s a great idea. I am also going to
do media. Maybe with the English and the art, I can do something in media. Then I can get a job and look after Michelle and Will.
When Will is four weeks old, me and Alan are having dinner. Alan coughs like he has something to say, but he looks scared about it. It makes me scared. Maybe he is going to tell me to leave now I have left school?
“I wrote to your dad,” he says to me. I sigh and put my knife and fork down. Maybe that is worse than telling me to get out.
My hands shake. “Why?” I ask him.
“I think it’s the right thing to do. He is Will’s grandfather and your dad. I know you don’t get along.”
“Did he reply?” I ask.
Alan nods. “He called, he wants to come and see him - on the weekend. He wants to meet him and he wants to see you. He wasn’t mad. He was just sad you two had drifted so far apart he didn’t know about you being a dad.”
I don’t want to see my dad. I haven’t seen him for a long time. Maybe he will still be mad at me about my mum. I don’t know. I don’t talk about her when we talk on the phone. I don’t want to hear him say it’s my fault again. I just let him talk. Sometimes, if I say something, then he starts to shout at me down the phone, so I don’t bother, and then he has nothing to get mad about.
My dad comes on the weekend. At first, I think he isn’t going to come because he is late. We all wait nearly two hours and he hasn’t come yet. Me and Michelle think maybe he isn’t going to bother. Maybe he is drunk and forgot, but I don’t say that part. He knocks on the door, though, and my stomach gives a flip.
He is here with a woman. I don’t know her or who she is. He hasn’t told me about her. She doesn’t look very old. He says she is called Joanne. She is his girlfriend. He says he is late because he had to wait for her to get ready. I tell him it’s okay, and he comes in with her. I try to make myself move away, then he can't hit me again. Maybe he is mad because he didn’t know about Will, but he doesn’t say it.
Goodbye Teddy Page 34
