Always and Forever

by Soraya Lane

“Lisa, I’m confident we can beat this long term, as long as you follow my immediate recommendations for treatment. The bleeding you experienced was related to the cancer, not your pregnancy, and although the baby is healthy, we need to focus on you and the right course of treatment for you.”

  Lisa glanced at Matt, tried to speak, opened her mouth, but no noise came out.

  “Is treatment going to affect the baby?” Matt asked, asking the question she needed the answer to, the only question she cared about right now. The question she’d begged Matt to ask for her in case she froze and couldn’t get it out. “Will he be okay?”

  Her heart beat too fast, her palm sweaty against Matt’s as she stared at the doctor. Waiting. It was all they’d done the past week. Waited for news, waited for treatment options. Waited. Her mind was racing. She couldn’t hurt the baby. She couldn’t have any treatment that would hurt him.

  “Unfortunately, I can’t sugar-coat this. There’s no way to effectively treat you for advanced cervical cancer while you’re pregnant, not from what I’ve seen of all your results, and not if we want to save you.” The doctor folded his arms, looked uncomfortable. “It depends what is most important here, what you decide as a family. As your oncologist, my focus is you, Lisa. I want to do everything I can for you and that’s what my treatment plan is based upon. I want to start treatment immediately, and we can’t do that while you’re pregnant. I’m so sorry, but there’s just no easy way to say that.”

  She felt like she was going to be sick. She ducked her head down, sucked back air. But Matt never let go of her hand and she clutched him tight. Tighter and tighter.

  “What are you trying to say?” Matt asked. “That I have to choose between my wife and my baby?”

  But Lisa didn’t need to ask . . . She could see from the doctor’s gaze, from the way he couldn’t maintain eye contact with her. She knew what he was going to say, what he meant.

  “Essentially, yes. My recommendation is to terminate and begin her treatment immediately with surgery. We can discuss the actual treatment plan, but until . . .”

  Lisa ran. She caught her shoe, heard her chair tumble as she stumbled and yanked open the door and ran. The waiting room was full, the smell of flowers overpowering, the receptionist’s eyes wide as she planted her hand over her mouth and kept running, slamming into the restroom door.

  She only just made it to the toilet, doubled over as she vomited. She was sick over and over again until there was nothing left, hands on her belly as she sank to the floor. Her body was still heaving, the pain like knives stabbing every inch of her skin.

  “Lisa?” Heavy footsteps echoed out. “Lisa!”

  She couldn’t say anything, couldn’t push out a single word. Tears started to rain a steady beat down her cheeks, slipping into her mouth on their way down her face.

  “Sweetheart,” Matt whispered, pushing the door open, hitting the ground as he wrapped her in his arms, held her tight, one hand stroking her hair, comforting her, loving her. “Hey, it’s all right. Everything’s going to be okay.”

  “He wants to kill our baby,” she sobbed, her words barely audible as she choked them out.

  Matt was silent, held her, pulled her onto his lap on the floor of the restroom as he cradled her to his chest.

  “He wants to save you,” Matt whispered. “I want to save you.”

  Lisa sobbed, the noises so loud they sounded more animal than human. She clutched his t-shirt, cried so hard that she soaked right through it. She didn’t want to save herself: she wanted to save her baby!

  “Lis, it’s going to be okay. I promise.”

  “Our baby,” she sobbed. “I want our baby.” Lisa pulled back, grabbed his hand and put it over her stomach, looked up at him through tear-blurred eyes. “Feel it. Feel our baby. I can’t just not be pregnant anymore, just get rid of our child.” She was hysterical, wished she could calm down but couldn’t. “We’re talking about our baby Matty. Our baby. Our boy.”

  He stayed silent, kept hold of her and rocked her.

  “Uh, is everything okay in here?” a voice echoed out.

  “Leave us,” Matt yelled, holding her tighter, protecting her from the world.

  Lisa caught her breath, got ahold of her tears, leaned into her husband and listened to the steady beat of his heart.

  “Do you want me to do it?” she whispered. “Do you want to terminate?” She needed to hear him say no. She needed him to tell her that he’d never let that happen.

  Matt’s big breath pushed his chest out against her cheek, but she stayed tucked against him, needing him more than anything else in the world.

  “You know what I want?” he murmured into her hair.

  She pulled back, met his gaze as she looked into his impossibly blue eyes. She knew this was hard for him too, but he was different. He was a man. Their baby wasn’t inside of him; it was inside of her, a part of her body right now. “What?”

  “I want my wife and our baby. I want to flip the clock and figure out how the hell to change everything.”

  Her eyes welled with tears again. “Me too,” she whispered.

  “But you know what I want more than anything in the world?”

  She blinked up at him.

  “You. I want my wife. You’re what I want. You’re what I need.”

  A shudder trawled her spine, sent goose pimples rippling across every inch of her skin. “You want me to do it? To abort our baby?” she asked, hardly able to believe what she was saying.

  “Lisa, if we have this baby . . .” He didn’t finish his sentence.

  She knew what he was going to say. She’d been up all night reading about options, praying that she wasn’t at an advanced stage so they could treat her after she’d given birth. “I might die,” she rasped. “If we have this baby, I could die, or he could end up delivered too early if I have treatment while I’m pregnant.”

  She watched as he steeled his jaw, then looked away as his eyes filled with tears and he cleared his throat. Lisa knew what he was saying, knew that he was right even though she was so desperate for a different answer, for a different solution. How could she have cervical cancer? How could this be happening to her? She was so healthy. She’d always been so careful to stay fit and eat well.

  “Lisa, you can’t die. Not on my watch, not if there’s a cure.”

  “Because you want me more than you want the baby,” she finished for him, wanting to hate him, wanting him to say that he wouldn’t let anyone take their unborn child, that he didn’t care what the stakes were, that it was the baby he wanted to fight for. But she couldn’t.

  Matt’s grunt told her she was right. Her skin had that stabbing feeling again, the pain in her heart so severe she wondered if she was having a heart attack.

  “I can’t breathe,” she gasped, struggling for air, pushing back from him.

  “Come here,” Matt commanded, scooping her up as he stood and kicking the door back open. He marched through the restroom, impossibly strong, impossibly heroic as he stormed out into the corridor to get her outside. She might not agree with him, might want to save their child instead of herself, but right now she wanted him to take charge, to get her the hell out of Dodge. She needed to get away from this building and she never, ever wanted to come back.

  “I’m taking you home,” he muttered, not letting go, not putting her down for a second.

  If only he could keep her safe forever, protect her and their baby from the big bad wolf banging on the door.

  Her lungs finally felt like they were filling with air, her gasps no longer blindingly desperate. But she knew that the pain in her heart would never disappear, not until the day she died, not if she had to make the decision to say goodbye to a baby she hadn’t even had the chance to meet yet.

  4.

  Matt didn’t know what to do, but he could only stare out the window for so long. He wanted to get in his pick-up and drive to work, spend a few hours hammering nails and helping his guys get the framing up on the new ho
use they had under construction, but he couldn’t. Lisa needed him and he somehow needed to figure out what to do for her. Their lives had changed so quickly. It had only been two weeks since the diagnosis and the awful decision they’d been forced to make.

  He pulled out some fruit from the refrigerator and grabbed a knife, roughly chopped up some pineapple and watermelon. He knew Lisa usually made up super smoothies—hell, she made them for him all the time—but he hadn’t exactly been paying attention when she was doing it. He turned, reached for a banana and added that to his pile of fruit, before scooping it all up and putting it in the blender. He let it buzz away for a while before taking a tall glass down and pouring the smoothie in for her, then crossed his fingers and hoped he’d gotten it at least half right.

  He forced a smile and walked down to their bedroom. She wasn’t there.

  “Lisa?” he called out, wondering if she was in the bathroom. He looked in but still didn’t find her.

  “Lisa?” he called again, walking back down the hall.

  Then he saw that the door to the nursery was open, instead of slightly ajar like he’d left it. He looked in and saw her curled up on the big armchair she’d planned on using for feeding.

  “Hey,” he said softly.

  She looked up. The skin under her eyes was dark, her face pale, hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. Lisa had never been the sweatpants kind of girl, always in a skirt or dress or pretty top that she’d designed, but today she was wearing sweatpants and one of his t-shirts, which swamped her body.

  “You, uh . . . you okay?” He cringed, knowing from the look of her that she was definitely not okay.

  She didn’t reply, just turned and looked away. Maybe she was staring out the window, maybe at the crib.

  “I made you this,” Matt said, closing the distance between them and holding out the glass. “Made with love, but it might not taste as good as the ones you make.”

  She didn’t turn so he put it on the dresser beside her.

  “Ha ha. You’ve had a lot of practice, though. I’ve still got my training wheels on.” His voice sounded hollow.

  When she still didn’t turn, Matt looked skyward, wished someone up there could help him. He stood and waited, turned to scan the room. He’d spent so much time in here, had been so excited about getting it ready for their little boy, and it hurt to know that wasn’t going to happen. But it wasn’t a patch on the pain he felt at seeing his wife suffer.

  He mustered some courage and put a hand on Lisa’s shoulder. “Hey, turn around.”

  At first she didn’t move, then she slowly angled her body back toward him. He could see tears in her eyes.

  “Drink this,” he suggested, reaching for the glass and passing it to her. She took it, but she didn’t drink it. “Are you in pain? The doctor said there would be bleeding, so if there’s anything I can do . . .”

  “I had milk,” she suddenly gasped. “I know they told me it could happen, but my boobs are so sore and then milk came out and I had to use the breast pads I had for after the baby.”

  Matt dropped to his knees. He had no idea what to do, what he was supposed to say.

  “Sweetheart, I . . .” He was lost for words. The day of the termination would haunt him forever, knowing his baby was being born, only to die immediately. That it was too early for him to even have a one percent chance of survival. The pain on Lisa’s face that day, seeing the light go out in her eyes as she was wheeled away from him.

  “But there’s no baby. My body doesn’t even know that.”

  “I, um . . . We need to keep up your fluids, right? I mean, we were supposed to make sure that you had lots of water, and . . .”

  “I don’t want fucking water, Matt! I want our baby! Did you even hear what I just said?”

  Matt stared at her, wasn’t used to hearing her swear like that. “I’m just trying to help. Look, I know this is hard on you—hell, it’s hard on me, too, but we’ll have another baby. This nursery isn’t going to sit here unused, because we’re going to get you better and then we can try again, as soon as the doctor gives us the all-clear.”

  Lisa just stared at him and he didn’t know what she was thinking. He took her hand and pressed a kiss to it.

  “I love you, Lisa.”

  She gave him a sad smile, tears falling down her cheeks. He gently brushed them away with his thumb.

  “We’re so lucky that we caught this early enough to treat it. I’m so lucky I still have you.”

  She stayed silent, looked so lifeless staring back at him.

  “What can I do? Just tell me what I can do for you.”

  Lisa looked away again. “Just leave me. We terminated our baby less than two days ago, so just let me sit here alone and grieve for our little boy.”

  Matt stood. He couldn’t see the point of staying if she didn’t want him. “So should I leave the smoothie?” he asked.

  Lisa didn’t answer him so he just left it, closing the door behind him. He walked back into the kitchen and leaned on the counter. Maybe he would have been better off just going to work. This wasn’t the Lisa he knew, and he sure as hell wasn’t used to their roles being flipped. Lisa had always been the one looking after him, only until now he hadn’t realized just how much he relied on her.

  5.

  Matt held Lisa’s hand as she was wheeled past him from oncology on her way through to surgery. He felt helpless. Completely, infuriatingly helpless, and he hated it. It brought back too many memories, made him want to just run away to avoid what he knew might be coming. What could happen. They’d been in a hallway just like this only weeks earlier when she’d so bravely gone through with the termination, and now they just had to hope they’d caught her cancer early enough that the surgeons could work their magic.

  “Matt,” she whispered when he bent to kiss her.

  He held tight, smiled down at her. “You’re gonna be fine. Absolutely fine.”

  “Tell him I need to be able to have kids. Please tell him how important that is to me.”

  Matt took a deep breath. “Baby, he knows that. We’ve told him already.”

  “But . . .”

  “Lisa, the most important thing is beating this. Kicking cancer’s butt, yeah? He’s already told us that there is a small chance they’ll have to be more invasive, but they’re not going to do that unless they have to. To save you. Nothing is more important than saving you.”

  She looked away, but not before he saw tears fill her eyes. He stroked her face, wished she got the fact that he didn’t give a damn about anything other than saving her. Sure, he wanted kids, but he wanted kids with Lisa around; he wanted to raise them together, or not at all. He wasn’t going to lose her.

  “Okay, I’ll tell him,” Matt said, not wanting to say the wrong thing before her surgery. She was scared and he needed to step up and show her that he was there for her. He just wasn’t used to feeling like they were on different teams.

  “Promise?” she whispered.

  “Promise,” he said, giving her a little wave as he stepped back. “You’ll be great; it’ll all be okay.”

  Her smile was small but it was there. Matt watched her go before turning around and heading for the waiting room. Then he changed his mind and decided to go grab a coffee. He made his way to the hospital café and ordered, then sat down and pulled out his phone. He had jobs to organize, calls to make; he’d rather keep busy instead of thinking about what Lisa was going through. He’d been there in another lifetime, seen his mom suffer and then silently, strongly end her battle with the disease. But Lisa was going to be fine. Because she’d had the termination, the oncologist and surgeons were confident they could eliminate the cancer.

  He went on the Internet instead, stared at his Google homepage and forced himself to smile when the waitress bought his coffee over. Lisa was so damn upset about not being able to have kids, but all he cared about right now was not losing her. Cancer wasn’t going to take his wife, not on his watch.

  Adoption
. Matt grinned when he saw how many links came up. If she couldn’t carry their kids, then they could adopt. There was another link to fostering. Hmmm. He frowned. It wasn’t something he’d have chosen to do, taking in an older child, but . . . He kept scrolling. Surrogacy. Why the hell not? So what if they had to take a different route to have kids? He’d have to read more about it, but he was pretty open-minded.

  Matt sipped his coffee. Everything was going to be fine, he told himself, over and over. If she couldn’t carry a baby, if it was worse than they thought during surgery and it ended up being more radical, he’d find a way to give them a family. To keep Lisa happy. This was his time to look after her, and everything was going to be okay. Smiles and fun, he reminded himself, swallowing a lump in his throat that he didn’t want to acknowledge. Just because she had cancer didn’t mean he couldn’t make her laugh while he was looking after her. Once this surgery was over, everything was going to go back to normal and they’d be fine.

  Because everything was going to be fine. She was going to be fine. He couldn’t cope with losing her, not after what he’d been through in the past. Lisa was the bright light that had kept shining when he’d needed it most, and once this was over he hoped like hell he’d get his wife back. Because she’d been nothing like the woman he was used to since her diagnosis, and he wanted her back so bad.

  “Matt?” Lisa was groggy, her lips so dry that it felt like she’d had to crack them apart just to speak.

  She opened her eyes, slowly lifted her head to look around. But the room was empty. Where was he? She was sore. Her whole body felt weird, and she wasn’t sure if it was the surgery, the anesthetic or a combination of both.

  The door suddenly flung open just as she turned to look at the full water jug beside her bed, desperate for a drink.

  “Hey!”

  Matt burst in, a blur as he rushed toward her bed, a big balloon in his hand that he let go of as soon as he met her gaze.

  “Hey,” she managed, voice hoarse.

  Matt kissed her forehead and smiled down at her. “Water?”