Always and Forever

by Soraya Lane

  He didn’t ever want to feel like this again. He was never going to get close to anyone else, never going to let himself get hurt again. He didn’t care what happened, as long as he never had to feel pain like this again.

  Matt ran all the way home, burst in the front door and yanked open the refrigerator. He took out two of his dad’s beers and went to his bedroom, still panting, his breath short and sharp. Then he dropped to his stomach and pulled out a little container he’d hidden under his bed, one he’d bought from the stoners at school. He opened a beer and guzzled it, then pulled out one of the joints and lit up, using the matches he’d stored under his bed, too. He leaned back, inhaled deep, coughed as the marijuana filled his lungs.

  He might not be able to forget, but he’d discovered what would make him feel better, what could blur the memories and take him to a happier place.

  Matt glanced down at the phone on the seat between him and Lisa. Every time he thought back to what he’d done, the kid he’d turned into, it cut deep. He dialed his dad’s number and hit the speaker button, then placed the phone on his lap so he could keep both hands on the wheel. Another reason why the Cadillac wasn’t practical compared to his Chevy with all its clever technology, but it still wasn’t enough to make him regret buying the car.

  “Hey, son.”

  Matt smiled when he heard his dad’s gruff voice, forgetting all about the car and the shit he’d done as a teenager. It had taken them a while to get to a good place, but they were pretty solid now and Matt didn’t want to screw it up. He’d put so much blame on his dad after his mom had died, made him the brunt of all his teenage anger and hatred, but they’d managed to get past it eventually, mainly thanks to Lisa. She’d made him happy and the animosity had slowly faded away, eventually. A decade later and the guilt still ate him up, but all he could do was make up for it now as best he could, even if he wasn’t ready to talk about how much it had hurt losing his mom or how bad it still hurt sometimes. Or to say sorry.

  “How are you, Dad?”

  “Oh, you know. Just been out doing some gardening. Now I’ve come in for a beer and a crossword.”

  Matt stifled a laugh. His dad was fast becoming an old man now that he was retired. “Sounds busy. Make sure you put your feet up for a bit.”

  His dad grunted. “Where are you?”

  “Heading to Sacramento,” Matt told him, glancing at Lisa to make sure she was still asleep. Her lips were parted, her breathing heavier than usual, or maybe he just hadn’t noticed before. She looked perfect sitting there with her hair falling over her shoulder, arm still resting against the window. “We’ll head to Napa, then San Fran, maybe a few more stops, then San Diego. We’re wanting to reach Mexico at the end, stay somewhere nice.”

  His dad was silent for a beat, and Matt kept his eyes on the road, cleared his throat. There was so much he wanted to talk to his dad about, stuff he’d held close and not talked about with anyone, but getting the words out always seemed impossible. They still did.

  “How’s she holding up?”

  “Okay, I guess.” He sighed, not wanting to lie. “Actually, not great, but we’ll get there.”

  “Just give her some time. Don’t push her.”

  “That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying, Dad.”

  “Matt, you and Lisa have been together a long time, but . . .” Matt kept listening, knew his dad was trying to find the right words. “Look, you’ve never faced anything like this before, but you can get past it. She’s a great girl and I know how much you love her.”

  “I’m glad you believe in me,” Matt said, trying to make a joke even though he was feeling somber.

  “I’ll see you when you’re back,” his dad said. “You go and have a good time, and come back with a truckload of memories to share with me. It’s boring being at home all the time!”

  “Did I tell you we bought a Cadillac?” Matt asked with a laugh.

  “You bought a goddamn Cadillac and didn’t come show it to me before you left?”

  They both laughed and it felt good. “I’ll give you the keys when we get back. You can take her for a spin and have some fun.”

  They said goodbye and Matt settled in for the rest of the drive. There wasn’t too long to go—it was less than three hours in total from Redding to Sacramento—and he just wanted to take it slow and enjoy the road. He had his wife at his side, the sun was shining a steady beat all around them, and he was driving a kick-ass car. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for her; his problem was that he wasn’t sure what it was she wanted from him.

  Things seemed good today, almost normal, but he knew there were way too many things lurking beneath the surface for Lisa to just magically come back to him.

  10.

  TWELVE YEARS EARLIER

  He’s an angry young man,” Matt overheard his dad say. “I don’t know where I went wrong.”

  Matt listened but said nothing. Because if he went and spoke to his dad then they’d know he was listening, and then they’d end up arguing, and he didn’t want Kelly’s parents to see.

  “Is he doing drugs? Smoking? Drinking?” Matt overheard.

  “I honestly don’t know. But he’s out until all hours and he hardly speaks a word to me. We’re not in a good place right now, and we haven’t been since the day his mom died. It’s been over a year of hell, and I just don’t know what to do with him anymore.”

  Matt’s dad was lying. He’d already tried grounding him for smoking and Matt had just gone out the window and not come home for the night.

  “He’s always polite here. I know that doesn’t help, but it’s something. And Kelly seems to really like him; they’re good friends. We only see a nice young man when he’s visiting and he really seems to look out for her, so I wouldn’t worry too much.”

  “Stop listening,” Kelly said, grabbing his hand and dragging him away. “You might hear something you’ll wish you hadn’t.”

  “Easy for you to say,” Matt grumbled, but he did what she said. He didn’t need to hear anything else his dad had to say.

  “Want to go for a swim?” she asked, waving him over as she skipped ahead. “The others will be here soon.”

  “Sure.” He nodded and smiled at Kelly. They’d gotten along ever since they’d ended up taking the same classes through senior year, in a definitely-friends-only kind of way. She’d ended up dating one of his buddies, and even though she was pretty, he’d never thought about her like that. He liked hanging out with her because he liked listening to her and she never told him bullshit stuff about his mom, like it would get easier or that he should stop drinking. They all smoked a little, but he smoked a lot, almost chain smoking now to get through each day. And nothing had gotten easier; not one day had been anything like easy, and he couldn’t see that changing anytime soon.

  He lit up a cigarette, quickly puffing before Kelly came over to drag him into the pool. She was up ahead of him, already pulling her t-shirt over her head, flashing the hot pink bikini she had on underneath as she stood by the water.

  “Hey.”

  Matt turned and saw a girl standing there. Someone he didn’t recognize. “Hey,” he replied, clearing his throat and dropping his cigarette to the ground and stamping on it with his boot.

  “I don’t think we’ve met . . .” he said, fighting the urge to look her up and down. She was so pretty, with long blonde hair that fell all the way down her back, beautiful blue eyes that seemed to twinkle at him. She appeared to be younger than him, but she looked confident as hell and it knocked him off balance for a beat.

  “I’m Lisa. Kelly’s sister.”

  Damn. It was Kelly’s younger sister. He’d only been over at Kelly’s house a few times now over summer vacation, and he’d never met her siblings, but he did know them by name just from hearing her talk about her family.

  “Uh, you going to swim with us?” he asked.

  She laughed. “I don’t think Kelly invited me.” Lisa twirled a strand of beach-blonde hair around he
r fingers, smile wide. “She’d kill me if I crashed her little party.”

  “No way! You have to. Come on.” He held his hand out, waited for her to clasp it. When she did, he had to kind of drag her along, her eyes wide as she stared ahead to her sister. She was seriously cute.

  “You sure? I mean, don’t you want to finish your cigarette? Or start a new one?”

  “Me?” He laughed, surprised by how sassy she was when she looked innocent as hell. “I don’t usually smoke. It’s no big deal.” Now he was a liar as well as flirting with Kelly’s little sister, but the words felt kinda true. He wasn’t going to smoke around a girl like Lisa, not for a second. Maybe he could quit if he wanted to. He smiled to himself. Maybe he just hadn’t had a good reason before now.

  “I might be her younger sister, but I’m not her dumber sister. You stubbed that out like you’re used to doing it, and I saw you sucking back hard.”

  Matt shrugged. “So maybe I just quit.”

  “Doubt it. But it’s gross, so you should.”

  “So you don’t date smokers?” he asked.

  “I definitely don’t date smokers. Or old guys.”

  Matt laughed when her lips kicked up into a cute grin, liking the sparky younger version of his best friend. He’d never had any chemistry with Kelly; they just liked hanging out. But Lisa had the same directness that he liked in her sister, along with a sassy attitude and sparkling blue eyes that were making him feel all kinds of interested. “For starters, I’m not old, if that’s what you’re saying. And if you don’t like smokers, then hell, baby, I definitely just quit.”

  “Now I can see why Kelly’s never let me meet you before.”

  “Me? Nah, I’m a pussycat.”

  Her smile lit up her face as he looked back at her. “Speak of the devil . . .”

  “Lisa? I thought you were studying today?” Kelly was frowning and Matt quickly let go of her sister’s hand. “What are you doing here?”

  “I said you wouldn’t mind if she joined us,” Matt said, squeezing Kelly’s shoulder and giving her a big grin. “You don’t mind do you, Kel?”

  “You’re not touching my sister,” Kelly said, hands on her hips. “Just forget it. Lisa, leave us alone.”

  Matt grinned. He hadn’t felt so good in forever, not without smoking something he shouldn’t or getting drunk. And it definitely had something to do with the beautiful blonde staring back at her sister like there was no way in hell she was being told what to do, her lips slightly parted as she turned her gaze back to him. She was innocent but worldly-looking at the same time, looked like she’d be a lot of fun but wouldn’t put up with any bullshit. And he liked her. A lot. Already. It usually took a substance to pull him away from the darkness, but just being around Lisa had made him forget everything.

  He stripped down to just his shorts, threw his t-shirt past Kelly, and ran to the edge of the pool, doing a backflip at the same time as both girls screamed. When he resurfaced, Kelly looked furious with him and Lisa was laughing, hand clamped over her mouth.

  “Showoff,” Kelly muttered as she walked past him and used the steps to get in, swimming over to something floating that he guessed she was going to sunbathe on. Kelly glared back at Lisa. “Stay if you want, but don’t get in the way.”

  Lisa walked over, not replying to her sister, her feet bare. She was wearing a sundress and she sat down at the edge and dipped her feet into the water, then her legs, dress hitched up high to show off a lot of golden, smooth skin.

  Matt swam closer, rested his arms on the edge of the concrete and looked up at her. He wanted to know more.

  “She’s only sixteen!” Kelly called out.

  Matt laughed, looking at Lisa, not Kelly. “I’m not that much older than you. I just turned nineteen,” he said.

  Lisa just smiled, moving her legs back and forth in the water. “Old enough to be trouble.”

  All the anger, the weight on his shoulders that he hadn’t been able to shift, the black hole he’d been staring down for the past year—it all started to lift. She might be too young, and she might be Kelly’s sister, but there was something about Lisa. Something that he doubted he’d ever be able to forget. She was beautiful, calm, happy . . . the exact opposite of how he’d felt all year. And he wanted to keep making her smile, to see the way her face lit up. To be around her. He liked her barbed tongue too, liked the way she’d already called him out even though she didn’t know him.

  “Want to come swimming?” he asked, raising an eyebrow as he watched her.

  She shrugged, but he saw her smile, knew she was as interested as he was. “Thanks for the invite. It is kind of my pool.”

  “Oh really?” he replied, trying not to laugh at her.

  She kept a straight face, only giving herself away when one side of her mouth kicked up. “Yeah, actually.”

  “One, two, three!”

  Matt pulled Lisa down into the water, eyes on hers, drawn like a magnet to this carefree young woman who somehow made him want to get on with life instead of treading water.

  “Matt! What part of ‘don’t touch my sister’ didn’t you get?” Kelly said as she got out of the pool and stared at Matt.

  Matt pulled Kelly on the way past and sent her spiraling back into the water, just as the rest of their friends showed up.

  “Hey! Hands off my girl!” Tommy, Kelly’s boyfriend, yelled the second he saw what had happened, shoving off his t-shirt and diving in without a second to spare.

  Matt let go of Lisa, ready for Tommy when he surfaced, launching at him with his fists flying. It was play fighting, but they were still going to get rough, and he didn’t want Lisa getting caught up in it. Sometimes Tommy was less about the play and more about the fight, especially if it involved his girlfriend.

  “Leave Matt alone,” Kelly moaned, coming up behind Tommy and grabbing his shoulders. “He was just trying to impress my sister, not me.”

  Tommy was easily distracted and Matt happily turned back to Lisa to find her swimming away from him, her blonde hair wet, dress a blur of color beneath the water. There was something about her that was making him feel a whole lot more alive than he had since . . . He stamped away the thoughts. It had been the worst year of his life, and Lisa was the first something other than drugs or drink that made him feel awesome.

  “Hey!” he called out, swimming after her.

  Her eyes met his and he tried not to laugh. All the beautiful girls he’d met, all the cheerleaders who’d caught his eye before—they weren’t a patch on Lisa. She might be young, but dammit, he’d just wait. And by the looks of it, he was going to have to chase her, and it had been a long time since a cute girl had given him a decent chase.

  Lisa lay back, stretched out in the sun. He’d joined her, but there was only so long he could lie in the sun beside her without saying or doing something. How the hell had he not known about her, or met her, until now?

  “I was going to try a corny line on you, but . . .” Matt started.

  Lisa pushed up onto her elbows, wet dress hitched up high, showing off a whole lot of leg. “Just be real. I like you,” she said simply.

  Matt grinned. “You do?”

  “Yeah. I mean, I have no idea why you like hanging out with my sister so much when she’s such a pain in the ass, but sure. You’re fun.”

  Matt laughed. “She’s not a pain. She’s actually the fun one.”

  “Easy for you to say,” Lisa scoffed. “She’s not exactly fun to live with when you have to share a bathroom with her.”

  “Poor you. Anything I can do?”

  Lisa raised an eyebrow. “Can you build?”

  “Why?”

  “Well, if you could build me a new bathroom then yeah, you could do something to help me!”

  Matt studied Lisa, eyes moving over her face, liking the way she was just so easy to talk to, so open. “You know, she might be a pain, but I bet she’d be there for you if you needed her.”

  “What makes you say that?” Lisa asked.r />
  Matt took a long breath, not wanting to bring up his mom, not around Lisa. He liked that she made him forget, and he wanted to keep it that way. “Let’s just say she was pretty awesome when I needed someone. Still is. My mom died a while back.”

  Lisa’s face changed, her smile fading. “I did know that. I’m sorry.”

  Matt forced a smile, wanted Lisa to go back to how she’d been before. He liked the banter, wanted to be lost in her infectious smile again, wanted to divert her attention away from feeling sorry for him.

  “So can I come and swim with you tomorrow, since it’s your pool?”

  Lisa’s eyes lit up again as she leaned back on her towel. “Maybe.”

  “Maybe as in yes because you want to hang out again?”

  “How about you play your cards right and then I’ll decide?” She giggled and Matt laughed, not wanting to move too fast but finding it impossible not to make some kind of move to show her that he seriously liked her, too.

  “So can I kiss you?” he asked, leaning in, reaching out to touch her still-damp hair.

  “No,” she said with a laugh.

  “No right now or no forever?” he asked with a cute grin.

  “No because we’ve just met,” she said, hand to his chest as she moved him back. “And I’m not easy like your usual type.”

  “Oh, you think I have a type?” He shook his head. If he’d had a type, he sure as hell didn’t now, because the only girl he wanted was Lisa.

  Her skin was warm and her eyes never left his as her hand rested against him. His whole body was buzzing with anticipation, wanting her so damn bad, liking the way she made him feel.

  “Matt, get off my damn sister!”

  Matt dipped down fast, pressed a quick kiss to her lips, desperate for more but not about to push his luck.

  “Hey!” Lisa protested, laughing as she shoved him away.

  “Sorry. If your sister’s gonna kill me I didn’t want it to be for nothing.”

  Lisa laughed, biting down on her bottom lip as she stared at him, making him want her so bad. “So are you going to call me?” she asked.