Always and Forever

by Soraya Lane

  Lisa’s phone rang and he sped up a little when she pulled away to answer it, keen to get to their accommodation.

  “Hey, Kelly,” he listened to her say. He was pleased Kelly had just phoned Lisa this time—he didn’t like being the middle man between them.

  Lisa and Kelly had always been so close, but Lisa had been closed off from everyone lately, her sister included.

  “We’re in Napa Valley. Matt’s booked us into the same place we got married.”

  Matt smiled as he listened, enjoying the upbeat tone of her voice.

  “How’s Blue? Everything okay? I wish he was with us.”

  There was a long silence and Matt glanced over at Lisa. He hoped everything was okay.

  “Well, tell the girls that they can share him with us. Maybe he could do weekends.”

  Matt relaxed. He’d thought something might have happened or that the dog was being too much of a handful for Lisa’s sister. He tuned her out while she spoke to Kelly, focusing on the scenery and loving how green everything was. He’d often imagined them having some land, being away from everything when they raised a family of their own, and driving through the countryside reminded him of those dreams. Then again, he loved their house, and given the hours he’d put into remodeling it, the last thing he really wanted to do was move. Plus, he didn’t think he could convince Lisa to trade pretty clothes for mud and animals.

  “You’re going to laugh at this,” Lisa said, interrupting his thoughts as he turned into the entrance.

  Her easygoing voice made him smile. “The girls won’t give Blue back?” he asked with a chuckle.

  “Even funnier. They’ve worked out a shared custody arrangement!” She burst out laughing as she told him. “Apparently one of Eve’s friends has parents going through a divorce, and her friend was telling her what custody means and what nights she’ll be spending with her dad. So Eve and Zoe decided to draw up a plan on paper to show us what days they want Blue and what days we’re allowed him back.”

  “So in other words, if we want our dog back, we have to buy them a puppy of their own?” he suggested.

  “I don’t think we’d need a dog if we both did that because we’d be dead. My sister would kill us.”

  Matt slowed down and smiled over at Lisa. “We’re here,” Matt said, stopping the car.

  Lisa went silent again and he suddenly wished he’d driven even slower so he could enjoy her being happy for a bit longer. He opened his door and got out to stretch his legs before moving around to open Lisa’s door, holding out his hand.

  “I can’t believe we’ve come back,” she whispered to him, and he folded an arm around her when she stood, dropping a kiss to the top of her head.

  “Believe it,” he said.

  “We had some of our photographs taken over there. I remember how big Kelly’s stomach was because it was so soon to her due date, and she was trying to disguise it by turning into that row of grapes.”

  Matt smiled at the memory. “It was a great day.”

  Lisa turned into his arms, eyes searching out his. “I don’t know if I can do this.” Tears filled her eyes and he had no idea why.

  “I wish I could help you, but I don’t even know what’s wrong.”

  She shook her head and looked away, and in that moment he felt like he’d lost her again. Like a wall had gone up between them that no amount of chipping away could break.

  “Me too,” she murmured. “I wish I knew how to fix me, too.”

  “Lis, I know you keep getting angry every time I bring this up, but if you really want a baby, if you want to be a mom—”

  “Don’t,” she whispered. “Why can’t you get that I want our baby? A baby of our own?”

  He steeled his jaw. He got it, because he wanted it too. But that wasn’t going to happen, so why the hell couldn’t she consider another path?

  Lisa sat and looked up at the bright blue sky, thinking how blissfully perfect it seemed. Everything about where they were right now was perfect; there was just no other way to describe it. The sun was shining, birds were singing, there was a faraway hum of a harvester or something working nearby, and the breeze was gentle. So why couldn’t she just focus on all those beautiful things? Why did she have to keep thinking about what they didn’t have? What was wrong with her?

  Matt was off running, and it was nice to have some time without him. They’d had some lovely moments together, but the thoughts inside her head drove her half crazy sometimes, and those moments made it hard to be upbeat all the time. She just wanted to sit, and she sure as hell didn’t want to take a walk down memory lane like he wanted to. Because being here reminded her of the dreams they’d had, the things they’d planned for the future. Things she was never going to have, no matter how badly she wanted them.

  But the problem was that she didn’t want to be alone; she just didn’t want to be with Matt right now. They’d always been so easy with one another, but now he was suffocating her again.

  Lisa reached for her phone, needing to talk to someone. Her sisters were always good at talking her down from any ledge she needed rescuing from, and that was exactly how she felt. Instead of calling Kelly, she decided to phone Penny. Her big sister already had Lisa’s dog to contend with twenty-four-seven; she didn’t need Lisa to deal with too.

  It rang for what seemed like forever, and just when Lisa was expecting the voicemail to kick in, her sister answered.

  “Hey!” Penny panted, sounding breathless. “I’m so sorry I haven’t called!”

  Lisa smiled. Her sister always talked a million miles an hour and hearing her voice was exactly what she’d needed.

  “It’s fine. We’ve been having fun driving so it’s no big deal.”

  “Hey, as much as I want to talk, can I call you later? I’m just running in to see a customer, and I have my arms full of crap and . . .”

  Lisa tried not to be disappointed. Her sister was busy and she got it. “Of course! No hurry.”

  “You’re okay, though, right? I mean, as okay as you can be considering everything.”

  Lisa clutched the phone tighter. “Yeah, I’m okay. It’s weird, though. I feel like I’m looking down on my body, kinda numb all the time.”

  “You could always try getting stoned.”

  Lisa laughed. “Only you could make me laugh when I’m feeling like shit.”

  “Hey, I haven’t done it since high school, but if it took your mind off things, I’d happily take a walk down memory lane with you.”

  “You don’t have to break the law to make me happy. I’ll be fine, honestly.” She knew her sister was only kidding. They hadn’t exactly been pot-heads when they were in school.

  Lisa said goodbye to her, still smiling at her younger sister’s words. She was too cute.

  She dialed Kelly after all, wanting to keep the happy vibe going, to stop herself sinking back into her own thoughts.

  “Hey!”

  Both her sisters were bright and easy to talk to, but the fact that Kelly picked up so fast told her that Penny had probably already texted her and told her she needed cheering up. She’d probably have her mom calling soon to talk to her, and for some reason Lisa found it a whole lot harder to hold it together when it came to her mom. Maybe because she knew her mom could see through any cracks, no matter how well she thought she’d patched them up.

  “How are the girls? And Blue?” Lisa asked.

  “Great and great,” Kelly said. “I’m just getting the kids an after-school snack ready, so I’ll put you on speaker.”

  Lisa could imagine the scene, could see Blue sitting at Kelly’s feet, tail thumping as he drooled over whatever food she was fixing. His tongue would be lolled out to the side, blue eyes bright, ready to catch any morsel that dropped before it even touched the ground. Her sister would be putting home baking or sandwiches or something else yummy in little containers, ready for the girls to eat in the back of the car after she collected them from school so they had something to fill them up before swimmi
ng or dancing or whatever activity they had to get to.

  “So, anything to report?” Lisa asked, sitting back with her phone to her ear, eyes shut as the sun beat down on her. “Any gossip?”

  “No. We’re just doing the same old here. You? Is Napa beautiful as ever?”

  “Did you know that he was bringing me here? To the same place we got married?” Lisa sighed. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”

  “Matt was so excited about taking you back, and I thought he was right, that it would do you good to remember those times.”

  Lisa listened to Kelly’s sigh and tears filled her eyes. She hated how emotional she’d become. “I don’t know if I want to remember anymore.”

  “I can still see you two, holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes. I was always so worried that he’d break your heart, but Matt changed when he met you. It’s been tough on him too, but he loves you. You just need to let him in.”

  “I know,” Lisa murmured, not wanting Kelly to hear her tears even though she knew her sister would have guessed already by her voice. “It used to be so easy, but now it’s just . . .” She didn’t know what to say. “I’m not that same woman anymore, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to being her. And he is trying so hard, but I wish we didn’t have to try, you know? Because we’ve never had to before.”

  They were the words Lisa had been holding close, not wanting to admit. But it was true. Would she ever be the same again? Would she ever be able to get past what she’d done? What she’d lost?

  The phone muffled for a second and then Kelly’s voice was clearer. She must have taken her off speaker.

  “I know this is hard, but you’re so lucky to have Matt. Some people spend their lives searching for what you two have, and they never find it. You just need to open up to him and get past this. And where better than Napa?”

  “I don’t want Matt,” Lisa whispered. “I just want my baby.” The words cut her in half, made it almost impossible to breathe. She’d said it; she’d finally admitted it. That’s what the dark cloud had been; those were the thoughts she’d been hiding behind. “I blame him.”

  “Lisa, they’re dangerous words. I know you want your baby back, but not without Matt. He lost just as much as you did that day, but men deal with these things differently.”

  Kelly was silent and Lisa felt sick, wished she’d hadn’t unloaded on her sister after promising herself that she wouldn’t burden Kelly any more than she already had.

  “I don’t want to think like that—I don’t want to think at all, but my brain’s just mush. I can’t get past it, any of it.”

  “Life’s a bitch and you’ve had a serious serving of bitch lately,” Kelly said. “But you can get through this. You will get through this. Just don’t make Matt out to be the bad guy. Once you paint him as the villain, you’ll never get past it, and it’s not his fault, so you can’t let that happen, okay?”

  Lisa took a deep breath, sat up straighter and glanced over her shoulder to make sure Matt wasn’t approaching. It was easy to put blame on to her husband, but Kelly was right: it wasn’t his fault.

  “Matt deserves to have someone to have a family with,” Lisa said quietly. “It breaks my heart to think of him never being a dad because of me.”

  “Look, it probably breaks his heart that you can’t be a mom, but he’ll get past that and so will you.”

  “I don’t know if it does break his heart,” Lisa replied flatly. “I don’t know how he feels.”

  “You need to talk to Matt about this,” Kelly said. “These are dangerous thoughts to have circling in your head. Do you hear me? And you need to get it all out. Talk it through with your husband, and if not him, then someone else.”

  Lisa knew her sister was right, but it didn’t make it any easier. “I don’t even know where to start.”

  “You know why?” Kelly said.

  Lisa waited, shutting her eyes as clouds parted and made the sun shine even more brightly.

  “You guys were childhood sweethearts,” Kelly said. “You’ve never had to deal with anything like this, none of the hardships that other couples have faced who’ve met later in life. You’ve hit little road bumps, but your relationship has been easy up until now. Neither of you have had your hearts broken or been through those awful breakups that the rest of us have.”

  Lisa heard what she was saying, knew it made sense. “I hear you.”

  “Go find your husband, and don’t go saying anything you’ll regret. And then just try to enjoy yourself. Take a walk, sleep, eat, have great sex. Make the most of it.”

  “You’re right,” she admitted. “It’s just been rough coming back to the place we were married. It’s bringing back old feelings, reminding me of the promises we made, of all the things we’d talked about and planned.”

  “You’re going to be fine.”

  Lisa thanked her sister and said goodbye before ending the call. She was still holding tight to her phone as she shut her eyes and basked in the sun. She pushed her sunglasses back up her nose as they slid down, tried to breathe deep and fill her belly before exhaling.

  “Hey, baby.”

  It felt like she’d only had her eyes shut a few seconds when Matt’s hands landed on her shoulders, his wet face brushing hers as he leant in for a kiss.

  “Eww,” she muttered, wrinkling her nose and pushing him away. “You’re sweaty and gross.”

  “Sorry.”

  He flopped down on the seat beside her, hair as wet as his running t-shirt, which he’d just pulled off. He had his earbuds slung around his neck, iPod tucked into the waistband of his shorts. His legs were long and tanned, shoulders muscular and even more golden. He’d always had a good body, and even though he’d put on a little weight over the years, he still looked fantastic. His face had filled out, body not quite as lean but sexy as hell in a more mature way than the lanky guy he’d once been, still filling out his frame when she’d first met him. She still loved him so much, which was why she knew her sister was right. She could only push so hard before he started to pull back.

  “Good run?” she asked.

  “Yeah, great,” Matt said, sinking back further into his chair with his feet stretched way out in front of him. “I ran way out around the property, then did some sprints down the rows of grapes. Doesn’t get much better.”

  They sat in silence for a bit, before Matt pushed up to his feet beside her. “I’m going to have a shower. Meet at the restaurant for lunch? We can take a walk down memory lane, see if we can eat outside like we did on our wedding day.”

  Lisa nodded and let him go, watching until he disappeared. Then she sat back in the sun again, shutting her eyes and refusing to acknowledge the sting of tears even as she braced for them. She needed to tell him how she felt, before it all became too much. Before it ruined everything.

  “Matt,” she called out, her voice so hoarse she wondered if he’d hear her. But he did, because when she sat up, he was already walking back.

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t think I can do it,” she forced out.

  “Do what?” he asked.

  This, she wanted to say. But for some reason she couldn’t push the word out. “I can’t relive all this. I . . .” She took a deep breath. “I feel like I’m suffocating.”

  Matt frowned. “I thought you’d love coming back. I thought this would make you happy.”

  She didn’t want to be angry with him, but she couldn’t fight her feelings any longer. They wouldn’t simmer down, no matter how hard she tried, and now that she’d opened up to Kelly, she couldn’t stop the words.

  “I don’t know how to be happy anymore, not like I used to be,” she told him, wishing she didn’t hear so much sadness in her voice.

  “Baby, we can be happy. Just try. Please.”

  “No!” she choked as he closed the distance between them and took her hand. She shook off his touch, didn’t want to be placated. “It’s not that easy.”

  “Lisa, come o
n,” he said, looking confused.

  “You can’t just tell me to be happy, Matt. I can’t change the way I feel.” Did he even care? Did he even feel the way she did at all?

  “Maybe if you told me how the hell you were feeling instead of leaving me guessing, then I’d get it,” he growled back. “But instead, I’m playing a fucking guessing game, wondering what the hell to do to get back to what we had. Wondering what I’ve done to deserve you pushing me away.”

  Lisa felt stung, like he’d slapped her across the cheek. “We’re never going to get back what we had. That’s gone. How can you not get that?”

  “You know what I don’t get? You,” he said, voice low, his smile long gone.

  Tears flooded her eyes. “I don’t get me either anymore, Matt. That’s half the problem. Can’t you see?”

  His gaze softened, face falling as he looked at her. “Then let me in. Give me a chance to make things right.”

  “You really want to know what’s wrong?” she said, needing to get it out, no longer able to keep it all locked away inside.

  “Yes,” he muttered.

  “You chose me,” she blurted out. “You chose me when all I wanted was for you to fight for our baby. I wanted you to tell me that no matter what, you’d look after him. That the life we’d created was more important than me, that it was worth the risk to wait until I’d given birth.” Now she’d started, she couldn’t stop, even though Matt had walked backward a few steps, even though she knew she was pushing him away, driving a wedge between them. Because the words were like venom and they’d been eating her up inside, and now she was spewing them at him. “I hate you for not telling my doctor that nothing was worth me being infertile. For not telling him that I had to have children to be a woman, that it was so important to me. I hate that we made the choice to terminate the baby growing inside of me, as if it was okay to just suck him out of me and discard him. Because I wasn’t more important than him, Matt. I wasn’t then and I’m sure as hell not now.” She gasped. “I hate that I can’t give you the family that I know you’ll start to resent not having.”

  Matt stared at her, his glare like ice, his jaw steeled. “You finished?” he asked.