Always and Forever

by Soraya Lane

  “I never saw you cry,” Matt admitted. “It was what made me so angry, thinking you didn’t care like I did.”

  He listened to his dad breathe deep. “I should have let you see me break down, but I was trying so hard to be strong.”

  Matt wished that his teenage self had had this conversation with his dad.

  “The difference is that you and Lisa have a fighting chance. You can make this work if you both want it to; you just need to find a way to move past what happened.”

  “Easier said than done,” Matt replied.

  Matt didn’t want to bring up the past, didn’t want to dredge up memories that they’d long put behind them, but talking was helping. He’d pushed it all down for way too long, and he’d also never imagined he’d be going through the same thing as his dad, thirteen years later. Only he wasn’t, because his dad had had a child to deal with, and Matt only had himself. And a dog who’d probably mope at the door for the rest of his life if Lisa never came home.

  “So what do I do now?” Matt asked, voice hoarse, every word like silk dragged over jagged rocks.

  “You do what you need to do: yell at me if you want, curse the bloody world for the hand it’s dealt you, then you pick yourself up off the ground and figure out how the hell to make things right with your wife.” His dad paused. Matt could hear his breathing and it soothed him for some strange reason. “And when she lets you close again, you hold her and tell her how much you love her, tell her that you’ll be strong for her. You don’t blame her or pull away because you know how bad it’s going to hurt; you just listen and love her. She’s been to hell and back, and you have too, but right now I’m guessing she just needs you to step up and look after her like she’s looked after you all these years. Don’t go thinking you’ve got to keep it all in to be a man, because you don’t.”

  “Okay,” Matt said. “Thanks, Dad. I needed to hear that, to have you just tell me what to do.” He didn’t think he’d ever heard his dad talk so much in his life before, let alone open up like that.

  “It might not get any easier, son, not for a while. The only thing you think about is to keep on going, one foot in front of the other. But you’re lucky, because she made it. The tough part is finding a new way to move forward. That’s what she’s struggling with.”

  His dad was right. They needed a new path, instead of trying to tread the old one. But every time he’d tried to bring that up, she’d clammed up and gotten angry.

  “Sorry I woke you up,” Matt said. But it had helped. It had given him something, the strength to keep going, to just do what he was already doing.

  “I love you, Matt,” his dad said. “I should have told you more often when you were growing up, but words didn’t always come so easy.”

  Matt’s laugh was rough. “Yeah, and I wasn’t always that easy to love.”

  They were both silent for a beat.

  “Water under the bridge. You just keep your chin up and be ready to look after that beautiful wife of yours. And don’t give up,” his father told him. “There’s always hope, right until the end. Marriages aren’t supposed to be easy all the time.”

  “Thanks, Dad.” Matt smiled. “I love you, too.”

  After they said goodbye, Matt sat alone in the dark, head in his hands as he rocked forward, heels of his palms nudged tight into his eyes. His dad was right, but he still didn’t know how to reconnect with her to give himself a second chance.

  In his heart, he knew the truth; he just wasn’t used to having to open up, to let his feelings be so raw when he usually managed to cruise through life. He didn’t just want Lisa to be his beginning: he wanted her until the end, and he wanted every damn bit in the middle, too. And he needed to tell her that.

  Emotion wracked his body, threatened to suffocate him as it clawed at his throat, strangled every breath from him. Silently he suffered, gulping for air, fighting the pain. Why? Why did this have to happen to them? Why did his beautiful wife have to have so much taken from her? Why did they have to lose their little baby boy? Why?

  Matt wanted to yell, to scream a bloodcurdling cry that could be heard back in Napa. But he didn’t. Instead, he dropped to his knees and quietly sobbed until there was nothing left inside.

  And then he slowly pulled his body up, squared his shoulders and wiped at his face. Matt walked back inside, blocked out every thought and walked down the hall.

  He stopped outside the nursery door, held up his hand, thought about pushing it open but couldn’t. Not without Lisa. So he continued silently into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face in the near-dark, then finally turned, stopping in the doorway to stare at the bed where Lisa should have been asleep waiting for him. Only the bed was empty. For the first time in what felt like forever, there was no beautiful, warm body lying there in wait.

  Matt stripped off and moved around to the other side of the bed, lifting the covers and sliding silently in. He missed her body, the warmth of her smile, the way she looked at him. He craved the scent of her shampoo, the softness of her skin.

  He missed her. He missed his wife.

  Lisa had meant everything to him, and he had no idea in hell how he was going to survive without her if she wouldn’t give him a second chance.

  24.

  It’s driving me crazy,” Matt confessed, twirling his beer bottle between his fingers. “I just . . . I can’t explain it. What’s it like not being with her after all this time.”

  “I get it. You guys haven’t spent a night apart in forever,” Penny said.

  “It’s not just that. It’s the fact I haven’t spoken to her; I don’t know what’s going on with her, what I can do.” Matt sat back, shook his head as he leaned into the seat on the porch of Kelly’s house. “I’ve been fighting in her corner for so long, and now I don’t even know where that corner is. What I can do to get her back.”

  The girls came running past, dressed in princess costumes and giggling. He grinned and pulled a face, which sent them into even more giggles as they ran out into the yard toward their tree hut. He adored the girls, wished he could tell Lisa right now how much they missed her. How much he missed her. He was ready to step up and be the man she needed, if only she’d give him a chance.

  “Look, just give her the space she needs,” Penny said, sitting down beside him. “She’s fine. I promise.”

  “What if she doesn’t want me after being apart?” Matt said bluntly, finally getting it off his chest. “I will do anything for her. I just need to talk to her and show her that I’m ready to change.”

  “She . . .” Lisa’s younger sister frowned at him and started over. “I’ll speak to her for you.”

  “You will?”

  “Yeah. This has gone on long enough.”

  Matt nodded. “It’s all kinds of screwed up, us being apart when she’s hurting so bad. But maybe she was right that we needed time apart. It’s sure as hell showed me how miserable life is without her.” He took another pull of beer. “And what I need to do.”

  “The three of us are stubborn,” Penny told him, patting his hand. “Add to that what she’s been through and how rough it’s been. She just needs some time. She’s holed up somewhere, and she’s fine, and Kelly’s doing a good job of keeping her busy, getting her talking. It’ll be killing her being apart from you, too.”

  “But she won’t even take my calls. She’s completely blocked me.” Matt blew out a breath. “I’m not so sure she’s going to come back. It feels kind of final, like I’m not going to get that chance to convince her that we can make it.”

  Penny stood and looked down at him. “Then fight dirty. Show her what she means to you; make her see without having to talk to you.”

  “I’d be on her doorstep before morning if I thought she’d want to see me,” Matt muttered.

  “Tell her how you feel—make her listen,” Penny said. “If you were ever going to be Mr. Romantic, now’s the time.”

  “I’ve been leaving voicemail messages,” Matt admitted.
“But I doubt she’s even listened to them. But I’ve been thinking about emailing, writing it down so that one day she’ll read them.”

  “Then I’ll make sure she does,” she said confidently. “I’ll go call Kelly now.”

  “Thanks,” Matt said. “I just don’t know what else to do.”

  “Matty, you know she loves you, don’t you? Because she does,” Penny said softly. “We all love you, but you guys were made for each other, and if anyone can make it, you can. You just need to find a way past all the shit that’s been thrown your way.”

  He nodded, took a deep breath. “That’s why I need her to hear me out before it’s too late, before she gives up on us.”

  “You get us another beer, and I’ll call Kelly,” Penny said. “And you figure out what you’re going to say to make my sister fall head over heels back in love with you.”

  Matt laughed. When he’d married Lisa, he’d gained two sisters. And while they loved ganging up on him sometimes, he wouldn’t give them up for anything, because they were as much his family as his dad was. And for a kid who’d grown up without siblings, it was good for him.

  He pulled out his phone to email Lisa, trying to figure out what the hell to say. There was so much in his head, so many feelings he wished he had the words to express. Trouble was he’d never had to talk like that, never had to find the words to tell his wife because he’d always kind of taken for granted that she knew how he felt. He’d also never had to worry that they could break up before; until now. Now reality was fast setting in, and while she was in flight mode, he was fully engaged in fight mode.

  She could avoid him all she wanted, but he wasn’t just giving up on what they had. Not when it came to Lisa. And as easy as it would have been to snarl and limp off to lick his wounds, this was his marriage. It was the one thing in life he couldn’t afford to be an asshole about, because he would only be hurting himself. He needed to open up to her, be honest, and make sure she knew how he really felt. No more burying everything; it was time to be real. He needed to step it up.

  “Hey, Blue,” he said, reaching a hand down to his dog as he came bounding up the porch. “Those girls too much for you, huh?”

  He rubbed his dog’s head as he used his other hand to scroll to his emails. This was it. He’d been closed off about his past, not open enough about his feelings, but now was the time to start. Before it was too late.

  25.

  Lisa watched as her sister packed. Being with Kelly had meant so much to her, but she knew her sister couldn’t stay any longer. She had a family of her own to go home to, a husband who was holding down the fort without her and pretending like everything was fine so Kelly could be with her. Lisa already felt guilty about the length of time— just over two weeks—she’d had her by her side, and even though she knew her mom and little sister were helping out back home, and that Kelly had more than deserved some time away, they couldn’t hide forever.

  “You need to call him.”

  Lisa stared out the window, pretending she hadn’t heard her. She was talked out, and she didn’t want to go over old ground again.

  “Lisa?” Kelly was her big sister and Lisa knew when she was about to throw her weight around.

  “I heard you,” Lisa replied. “I just . . .” She didn’t know what to say. Being without Matt was beyond tough, but she was also scared of talking to him again, of seeing him and trying to get everything that was in her head out in the open with him.

  “You just what? What are you scared of? What really happened between you guys?” Kelly stared at her. “Penny told me that Matt doesn’t know if you’ll ever want to work it out, that things could be over for good, but I don’t believe it for a second. Am I right?”

  Lisa swallowed, ran a hand through her hair, absently playing with a tiny fairy knot at the end. “I miss him so bad, but I’m scared. Everything’s changed and I don’t want to be that person I was around him for the last few months. I don’t know how to get past what I said to him the day before he left.”

  Kelly was sitting beside her now, her weight putting an indent in the bed that made Lisa slide closer to her. She leaned into her sister when Kelly held her arms out, let herself be held. There were only a few years between them in age, but Kelly sometimes cared for her like she was the mom, not the sister, and Lisa would never take her big sister for granted.

  “Look, just turn your phone on and check your voicemail. I’ll bet it’s full—he’s tried to call you so many times. I know how hard it’s been for him being cut off from you, and it’s not fair to just tell him to leave and then never give him the chance to talk it through with you.”

  “You’ve spoken to him?” Lisa asked, staring at her sister’s face.

  Kelly looked away before standing up and going back to packing her bag. “Matt loves you. Whatever happened between you hasn’t changed the way he feels, and I know you feel the same. You guys can make this work. Because the issues you have? They’re not going to change; they’re going to be there for the rest of your life. But with Matt you can find a way through it.”

  “It’s not that easy. We can’t just go back to what we used to have. We can’t just pretend like nothing happened.”

  “Lisa, you can move past it. We’ve gone through this. You’ll never forget, but neither of you did anything wrong here. It’s not like moving past an infidelity.” Kelly held her hand, looked into her eyes and smiled. “Matt hasn’t had to be sensitive or careful with you before because you’ve always been able to stand on your own two feet and look after yourself. Think about how hard it must have been for him to suddenly have to care for you like you were breakable, when you’ve probably always seemed indestructible to him!”

  Lisa nodded, biting down on her bottom lip. She missed Matt, craved him like a drug, wished she could do something to turn back time and go back to the easy way things had always been between them. “I need to tell him that I understand,” she managed to whisper. “Just because I’m not speaking to him right now doesn’t mean I don’t love him, and I want him to know that I should have acknowledged what he was going through, too.”

  She watched as Kelly zipped up her bag, then stood, hands on her hips. “When I go, can you at least promise me that you’ll check your voicemail and your email? I know for a fact that he’s been writing to you, that he wants to tell you something, or maybe even a whole lot of somethings.”

  Lisa’s heart started to beat just a bit too fast, her palms instantly clammy. “He told you that? So you have spoken to him?” She’d thought so much about what she wanted to say to him, how to bring up the things that she wanted to be more open about. She’d craved time alone, away from him, but now everything was starting to remind her of him.

  “All I’m saying is that I’ve stuck to my end of the bargain. I haven’t told him what’s going on or what we’ve talked about, or that we’ve stayed in Napa, although Penny might have been easier for him to crack, but now you need to do this for me, okay? Because he’s going to make my life hell if I turn up without you and he still hasn’t heard a word back from the woman he loves. It’s been as rough on him as it has you, maybe even harder because you were the one who wanted the space in the first place.”

  Lisa nodded. “Okay.” She would agree to that; it was only fair. Besides, she had to talk to him sooner or later. It wasn’t like she could just hide away forever.

  “That man would give his life for you, Lis. You owe it to him to at least give him a chance.”

  She knew her sister was right, but it didn’t make what she had to do any easier. Matt had been her world for a decade, even longer if she was completely honest with herself because she’d fallen for him well before they officially got together. And after a couple of weeks of trying to go it alone, with only her sister by her side, she was realizing just how impossible it would be to live without him. And he hadn’t even done anything wrong, but her head had been so messed up and she was struggling to process everything, and coming to terms with what
they’d done . . . She took a deep breath. Life felt empty right now, and it would be even emptier if she didn’t at least try to work it out with Matt.

  “Do you think he’d still . . .” Lisa shook her head, didn’t know what she was even trying to say, or maybe she just couldn’t say the words. “Nothing.”

  “What?” Kelly asked softly, dropping to sit beside her again, shoulder to shoulder. “You think he’s forgotten about you after a few weeks? Give the poor guy some credit. He might not be the most sensitive soul sometimes, but he’s a damn good man.”

  Kelly was right. He was a good man, and if he was prepared to open up to her, then to understand what she was feeling, then surely they could move forward.

  “You’re right. I know you’re right.”

  “Good,” Kelly said, reaching for her hand and squeezing it tight even though she was speaking so firmly. “Because he’s still your husband, you’re still married, and that means something.”

  Lisa dropped her head to Kelly’s shoulder, kept hold of her hand.

  “Read his emails and don’t be scared of telling him whatever you need to get out. And don’t be afraid to push him to open up about his mom. It must have been a really dark time for him, and maybe he’s kept it locked away for too long.”

  Kelly eventually stood, but not before dropping a kiss into Lisa’s hair.

  “I love you,” Lisa said, looking up at her. “Thank you for everything, for putting your life on hold and just being here for me. I don’t think I could have done this without you.”

  “Hey, we’re sisters. We’re supposed to have each other’s backs.”

  Kelly waved and hauled her bag up, wheeling it behind her, and Lisa leaned back into the pillows and watched her go. She was exhausted from doing nothing; from thinking all day, from being alone all night, from running and swimming and keeping active with Kelly. From talking with her sister.

  From everything reminding her of Matt.

  She’d craved calamari every time they’d eaten out, but hadn’t been able to order it without Matt. They’d always shared it; for ten years, seeing calamari on the menu anywhere had made them laugh because they always shared it as a starter. Everything about Napa had reminded her of him, and as much as it hurt, it had given her the time alone to remember why she loved him.