Following Your Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Susan glared at the wall at the thought of Thomas and Eunice. “It was long enough for me to see what kind of man he is,” she said. “And I will have nothing to do with him. Thomas was kissing Eunice!”

  “Well…” Menno said, “remember, we need a younger man on the farm soon. And I think Thomas would be more than willing. Perhaps you need to find forgiveness in your heart for the boy.”

  “This has nothing to do with forgiveness, Daett,” Susan said. “It has to do with trust, and I don’t trust Thomas.”

  Menno sighed. “Then Da Hah will have to do His work in His own slow way, I suppose. But I wish He would hurry because I’m getting old and my body isn’t going to hold out much longer.”

  “You’re much tougher than you think,” Susan said. “And I’m willing to help out as much as I can on the farm. You know that.”

  “Okay, enough of this,” Mamm interrupted. “This is getting us nowhere. If everyone is done eating, let’s pray. The sun is climbing quickly into the sky, and I need those supplies from the Dutch Barn.”

  “There will be more time to discuss this later,” Menno said. He bowed his head, praying silently this time.

  Susan caught Teresa’s eye moments later and smiled.

  The girl looked perfectly terrorized. She must not be used to such frank discussions. But it had been only a few days since they had arrived on the Greyhound, and this was indeed another world to Teresa. A gut world, but why did the discussion of Thomas have to come up so quickly? Her parents meant no harm. They just hadn’t seen Thomas like she had, all starry-eyed and flat-footed while Eunice beamed on him with her sweet smiles. How Susan’s heart had been torn at the sight of the two outside the washhouse that Sunday night after the hymn singing. What a betrayer of friendship Thomas was. Well, let Thomas marry Eunice if he thought she was so wonderful.

  Susan jerked herself out of her thoughts when her daett stood to his feet and pushed his chair back under the table.

  “Can I help with the dishes?” Teresa asked.

  “We’ll both help,” Susan said, getting up. “Then it’s off to the barn to get the horse.”

  “I’ll work on my list now,” Mamm said, disappearing into the living room.

  Susan went to the sink to turn on the hot water, while Teresa moved the dishes from the table and used a plastic scraper Susan gave her to remove the food particles.

  “Are they clean enough to wash now?” Teresa asked moments later, setting two plates on the counter.

  Susan nodded. “You’re doing really well.”

  “I guess it helps that we never had a dishwasher in that dump of an apartment,” Teresa said. “Perhaps God was preparing me for this life, though I never scraped dishes clean before I washed them. Mom was different, you know.”

  “Yes, I remember,” Susan said with a smile. “Have you written your mamm to let her know you and Samuel arrived safely?”

  “Yesterday,” Teresa replied. “I mailed the letter to Laura’s address. I’m sure she’ll be kind enough to take it down to Mom.”

  The two girls worked together, moving between the sink and the kitchen table. Moments later Susan saw a frown flit across Teresa’s face. She stopped what she was doing and asked, “Is something wrong?”

  Teresa didn’t answer right away. Susan was ready to ask again when Teresa said, “Do your parents hate me? After all, I haven’t lived like they believe a person should. I have a son and I’m not married.”

  “Of course they don’t, Teresa!” Susan said. “Don’t even think such thoughts.”

  “I hope my being here doesn’t make trouble for them,” Teresa worried.

  “They like you and little Samuel,” Susan said. “I know they’ll love you when they get to know you better. They’re wonderful people, and they don’t hate anyone, especially you.”

  “But you talk about things…” Teresa’s voice drifted off.

  “Things that seem private to you? That’s one of the many things to get used to,” Susan said. “We keep few secrets—from each other or from the community.”

  “Really?”

  “Yah,” Susan replied. “Are you sure you want that?”

  Teresa took a deep breath before speaking. “With all my heart I want it. Even more than you can imagine. I so want to get away from my old life. I want to find the peace I feel around here. I want to raise little Samuel to be a godly man and see him marry a wonderful Amish woman someday.”

  “Those are good things to want,” Susan said. “Just be aware that it’s going to be a long, hard road. That’s all I can say.”

  “You keep saying that,” Teresa said. “But look where I’ve already come from. Was that easy?”

  “I guess not,” Susan admitted.

  “Then why should I expect this to be easy?” Teresa asked. “No, even if it’s hard, I’m going to live and die Amish from here on out.”

  CHAPTER TWO

  Susan drove south on the graveled road with Teresa beside her. Their shawls were wrapped tight over their shoulders, with their kapps pulled forward on their heads. Like Mamm had said, the southern Indiana weather had given them a balmy winter day, but there was still a nip in the air. Susan offered more of the buggy blanket to Teresa, who smiled but didn’t pull the blanket any higher over her knees.

  Already Teresa looked like an Amish woman with her white kapp and apron dress Mamm had given her, her cheeks rosy from the wind.

  “I’m fine,” Teresa said when Susan continued looking at her. “I really am.”

  “Well, wrap yourself up if you get cold,” Susan said. “You’re not used to riding in a buggy in this kind of weather.”

  Teresa took a deep breath and pushed her kapp back. A moment later she gave Susan a quick glance, a question in her eyes. “Is this okay?” Teresa asked. “I don’t want to be inappropriate. But I do want to look around on my first real buggy ride since I’ve been here.”

  Susan laughed. “That’s fine, but don’t push the kapp back too far or it will blow off. And you will have to learn to look by turning your head instead of just moving your eyes.”

  Teresa looked astonished. “But then people will know when I’m looking at them,” she said.

  “It’s called being Amish,” Susan said. “Didn’t I tell you it would be hard?”

  “That’s not hard,” Teresa said, her voice resolute. “In fact, it might keep people more honest if everyone knows what we’re looking at. Now isn’t that a good thing?”

  Susan tightened her grip on the reins as her horse threw his head back, neighing as it flicked its ears toward the bend in the road ahead of them.

  “What is that all about?” Teresa asked.

  “Toby must smell another horse coming around the corner,” Susan said.

  “I don’t hear anyone coming,” Teresa said, leaning forward on the seat.

  “Yah, there is someone coming.”

  Ahead of them a horse appeared from behind the trees along the curve in the road, its head erect, its ears thrown forward. It was followed by an open buggy driven by a man.

  “It’s one of our ministers—Deacon Ray,” Susan commented to Teresa. “Be sure to smile when we go past.”

  “But he doesn’t even know me.”

  “You’re planning to stay around, aren’t you?” Susan asked as the buggy fast approached.

  Susan took one hand off the reins to wave as they passed the man, and Teresa did likewise. Deacon Ray’s hat was pulled firmly down over his head, his lengthy beard spread over one shoulder. He gave a little wave as he passed, although he did stare at them.

  “I smiled,” Teresa confirmed when the rattle of wheels behind them had died away.

  “Gut,” Susan said. “Now his head is spinning like a top as he tries to figure out who you are.”

  “Did he know you were back?” Teresa asked.

  “He likely did,” Susan said. “Things have a way of getting around in the community. For that matter, he may have figured out who you are too.”

 
“How?”

  “Like I said, word gets around. Most people, including Deacon Ray, probably know where I’ve been, when I got back, and who I brought with me. He probably knows better than I do if I’ll stay or if this is just a visit.”

  “You mean you don’t know?” Teresa asked.

  “I can hardly believe I was living in Asbury Park only last week,” Susan said. “Or has it even been that long? It feels like two years since we were there. How silly I was to ever think I could get away from all this.”

  “Why did you want to?” Teresa asked, pushing her bonnet back again.

  “You haven’t been here as long as I have,” Susan said.

  “But, Susan, you were happy to come home, weren’t you?” Teresa asked. “Or did you come home just because of me? Please say you didn’t, Susan, or I won’t be able to stand it.”

  “Now, now,” Susan consoled. “I came home because I wanted to. But I do miss Laura and Robby. Did you know he took me out on the ocean before I left? As a goodbye gift. It was really wonderful, and now I’ll probably never see the ocean again.”

  “Are you in love with him? Is that why you sent that Mr. Moran packing?” Teresa asked. “But you did tell your parents this morning you weren’t.”

  Susan laughed. “Of course I wasn’t. Robby’s not the kind of man I’d fall in love with. He’s more of a brother—but a gut one. And I will always remember him for the wonderful times we had together.”

  “You’ll go back, Susan,” Teresa said. “Your voice is full of longing.”

  Susan reached over to touch Teresa’s hand. “You’re imagining things,” she said. “I’m staying here with you and Samuel.”

  “No, you sound like you came home just because of me,” Teresa said. “That’s awful. It makes me sick in my soul.”

  Susan turned to face Teresa. “Look,” she said, “I needed to come home, okay? So don’t worry about it. Perhaps you were part of the reason I came home, but you’ve seen Mamm and Daett. They also need me. They’re getting older, and I can decide what to do with my life from here as well as I can in Asbury Park. Perhaps a little better. It’s quieter here, and a person can think without all the noise and busyness of the city.”

  “I know I’m staying, Susan,” Teresa said. “If I have to sleep in a barn, I’m staying.”

  “No one’s going to make you sleep in a barn!” Susan chuckled. “So stop talking like that.”

  “But what about your minister back there?” Teresa asked, looking over her shoulder. “Will I be able to gain his approval?”

  “Well,” Susan said, thinking a moment, “you’ll have to obey the Ordnung, of course. That is, if you plan to stay very long. Beyond that, he has little to do with you.”

  “I guess he looked friendly enough,” Teresa said with a sigh. “But what if he finds out I’m a girl from the world and have a baby without a husband?”

  “He might already know. If not, that’s bound to happen sometime soon,” Susan admitted. “Right now, I think the only thing people need to know is that an Englisha girl with a child has come home with me. That’s really all they need to know.”

  Teresa’s eyes grew wide. “So now you tell me,” she said. “I thought you said I would be accepted in the community.”

  “I’m not saying you won’t be. It just might be hard at first. You’re liked by Mamm and Daett, so that’s a gut start. It just might take a little longer with some people. But you can prove yourself, and then everything will be fine.”

  “I don’t think the not married and having a child thing will be such a small matter,” Teresa muttered.

  “That’s true,” Susan agreed. “We could tell them you’re widowed. That might work and be better received.”

  “I hope you’re not serious!” Teresa turned her head so fast her bonnet bounced against Susan’s shoulder.

  “Of course I’m not serious,” Susan said with a laugh. “Lies get a person nowhere. Eventually everything will come out. But let people get to know you first. When they know you, they’ll like you. You’re a nice person and very tenderhearted. People will see that. Then you can share more of your situation.”

  “You’re going to have me crying all over the place,” Teresa said. “With such compliments,” she added.

  “Well, you are nice and tenderhearted, so there!” Susan affirmed.

  “I’m not worried about me,” Teresa said. “If Samuel can have a wonderful life, that’s all I ask for.”

  “See, that’s what I mean,” Susan said, turning to face her again. “You should care about yourself—at least a little.”

  “No, I shouldn’t. I don’t deserve it. I’ve been with a man, Susan. And that makes me a bad woman.”

  “Oh, Teresa!” Susan scolded, switching the lines to one hand and hugging her friend with the other.

  “Well, doesn’t it?” Teresa asked.

  “No, it doesn’t,” Susan said, her voice firm. “We all make mistakes. Everybody does.”

  “Have you ever been with a man?” Teresa asked.

  “No, but…”

  “See what I mean?”

  “But you can always start over. Da Hah will help you do that,” Susan encouraged, giving Teresa another hug. “I think you’re giving yourself too hard a time. You weren’t raised like I was.”

  “People will always look at me and see how much I’ve failed,” Teresa said. “Especially your people. To them I’ll always be the Englisha woman who has sinned horribly.”

  “W-e-l-l-l-l…” Susan said while looking up at the sky, “let’s see. We could marry you off to old Yost Byler. He has a small farm, a dirty house, and two horses nearly at death’s door although they manage to get him around. They say he lives on beans and corn every day…and maybe an egg on Saturday morning. The only thing he doesn’t have is a wife because no Amish woman will marry him.”

  “That sounds like what I deserve,” Teresa said in a low voice. “If that.”

  Susan peered around the edge of Teresa’s bonnet.

  “Will I see this man on Sunday?” Teresa asked.

  Susan looked even closer at Teresa’s face. “You don’t think I’m serious?” she asked. “Surely, Teresa…”

  “Well, this fellow sounds about right to me,” Teresa interrupted.

  Susan sat back in the seat with a sigh. “Listen. There will be no Yost Byler in your life, Teresa. You have too good a heart for him. And I wouldn’t marry you off to a person like him anyway. I was teasing you.”

  Teresa looked determined. “Well, don’t make jokes about it,” she said. “Right now any husband would look good to me as long as he’s Amish.”

  “I said I wasn’t serious, Teresa.”

  Teresa shivered. “I think I would marry any Amish man who would have me. I would close my eyes and think only of Samuel and what’s best for him.”

  “Do you know what I think lies ahead for you?” Susan asked as they turned onto the blacktop road.

  “No,” Teresa said.

  “Smooth sailing, that’s what. Just like the road we’re on now.”

  Teresa laughed. “You do have great flights of fancy, Susan. I’ll be happy if I’m just allowed to stay here.”

  “Okay then,” Susan agreed with a sigh. “If your sights are that low…”

  “I’m prepared to eat corn and beans, sleep in haymows, and dress in rags,” Teresa said. “Whatever it takes.”

  “Teresa—come on and cheer up,” Susan said. “It won’t be that bad. But let me give you a little advice, just to be safe. For starters, don’t talk about your past with anyone. And I mean anyone. Remember that anything you say to someone other than to Mamm or me, and perhaps some close friend you develop in the future, will get passed around the community. It’s not that our people are gossips. It’s just the way people are. So the less said the better. What needs to be said, Mamm and I will say at the proper moments and in the proper amounts. As for you, you will be with us. You will live at our house, safe and secure. Make sure you don’t blurt
out things, okay? No matter how you feel or what you think. Talk to us first so we can explain the ways of the community.”

  “I feel scared already,” Teresa said, watching the fields go by.

  “That was supposed to make you feel better,” Susan said.

  “I know,” Teresa said. “And I will try because I know this will be worth it in the end. For me and Samuel. And I can’t wait for my first Sunday and the church services. I’m sure I’ll feel much better being in the company of so many holy people.”

  “I don’t know about that,” Susan said. “Do you know anything about what happens at an Amish church service?”

  “Only what I’ve seen on the movies and TV,” Teresa admitted.

  “Well, it won’t be exactly like that, believe me,” Susan said.

  “But the peace, the happiness, the contentment—surely they will be there?”

  “Yah,” Susan said, turning to Teresa. “I guess there’s some of that. But you do need to be careful. It’s best that you stay in the background at first. You will be with us, so you will be accepted as a guest of ours. Join in, but don’t say much. And let’s see, maybe I could teach you some German words quickly. People will warm up to you faster if they hear you trying to speak our language.”

  “I’ll speak German all day long,” Teresa said. “Anything to help Samuel get accepted into the community. For his sake, you know.”

  “And for your own,” Susan added. “Now, try saying ich swiecht net Deutsch.”

  Teresa tried the strange-sounding words, rolling them on her tongue.

  “Try again,” Susan said. “That was close.”

  “What does it mean?” Teresa asked. “Perhaps that will help.”

  “It means ‘I don’t speak German.’ ”

  “Oh, that’s really cute,” Teresa said. “I’m speaking German and saying I don’t speak it.”

  Susan chuckled. “Don’t worry,” she said. “Your accent isn’t even close, so people will know. Besides, it’s intended as an icebreaker.”

  “I’ll never get this down,” Teresa groaned. “How am I supposed to get a German accent?”