Following Your Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Ahead of him a buggy appeared, the horse plodding along. James slowed his horse and pulled out, staying well on the other side of the road. A brief sideways glance as he passed revealed the bearded face of Yost Byler. James pulled back to his side of the road. Wow! he thought. Things had to be serious between Yost and the Englisha girl if the man was coming to supper at the Sunday night hymn singing.

  So the poor man must have fallen hard for the Englisha girl. Yet he had barely seen her or she him. That was the strange part about this whole thing. Yost was just desperate, but that didn’t explain the girl’s part. Who would agree to a marriage with so little information about the man? She couldn’t have seen much of him. Unless Yost and she had had some secret meeting to talk things out, but that would have made matters worse. Talking with Yost would decrease, not increase, a girl’s willingness to marry him. At least among the girls he knew.

  Susan and the Englisha girl were hiding something. There was no doubt about it. But what? And strangely no one else seemed to care. Not even Daett. He usually was the first to care about such things. Bishop Henry placed great stock in Daett’s opinions on serious matters, and this was serious if there ever was anything serious. An Englisha unwed girl was making her way into the heart of the community. Would there be trouble following after her?

  Well, he decided after a long moment of hard thinking, it was none of his concern. Why darken his brow about this matter, when no one else cared? Pulling into Benny Zook’s driveway, James stopped by the barn beside the other buggies. Thomas saw him arrive and ran over to help unhitch.

  “Taking Susan home tonight?” James teased as he undid the tugs.

  “You know I’m not,” Thomas said. “So quit it.”

  “Yost Byler is coming to supper,” James announced. “How about that? I passed him a ways back.”

  “Looks like the plan is working,” Thomas said, a pleased smile spreading across his face.

  “Now what would an Englisha girl want with an old man like that?” James asked.

  “Don’t worry your head about it,” Thomas said. “I’m just glad it’s working. After a while Susan won’t have any reason to put me off.”

  “I still don’t think Susan’s telling you everything about her time out there with the Englisha,” James said. “Anything could have happened, Thomas. And you know it. I think they’re covering something up. Something bad enough to marry an old Amish man over.”

  Thomas laughed. “Are you trying to get me out of the way so you can make your move on Susan?”

  James snorted and shook his head.

  “Come on now, be honest,” Thomas said. “You’d leap at a chance for Susan Hostetler’s affections. I’ve known that since our school days. It’s just that you’ve never had a chance, and you’re not getting one now.”

  James chuckled. “I’m not getting in your way, believe me. This has to be a two-way street, you know. And Susan’s never paid me much attention.”

  “That’s how I want it to stay.” Thomas held the buggy shafts as James led the horse forward. Behind them Yost Byler’s buggy banged into the driveway. Thomas smiled and turned to walk toward him. James shook his head and led his horse to the barn.

  When he returned to the yard, Yost had just finished unhitching with Thomas’s help.

  “Gut evening,” James greeted him.

  Yost grunted, “Gut evening,” hauling on his horse’s halter as he pulled the beast toward the barn.

  James looked Yost over as he passed. His beard had rough scissors marks over the entire surface. At least the result was a shorter beard, which would have helped his looks except for the chop marks. His pants looked washed for a change, but his feet were bootless and his shoes muddy. Didn’t the man know that muddy shoes wore out quicker, costing more in the long run than the money spent on boots? Perhaps the man was past caring about such things.

  “Should we wait for him?” James asked Thomas as he looked over his shoulder at the barn.

  Thomas laughed. “I think he can find his way to the house.”

  James shrugged and followed Thomas through the front door. Inside, they tossed their hats on the pile. A group of boys already sat around the bench table, laughing and talking.

  “Do you think Susan brought the Englisha girl?” James asked, motioning toward the kitchen.

  “I’d expect so,” Thomas said. “All I care about is if she comes herself.”

  “Come on now. Sit down. Don’t be shy,” one of the boys hollered at them, making room at the bench table. “The girls will be coming out soon enough for supper.”

  They both laughed and walked toward the table. Behind them the front door opened and Yost entered. He took his hat off, fiddling with the rim. A hush settled on the room as the boys turned to look at him. He nodded, the edges of freshly trimmed beard even more pronounced in the shadowy light of the gas lantern.

  “Evening, Yost,” someone said, and Yost tossed his hat sideways. The edge of the rim stayed on the floor, the hat bouncing against the others. It wobbled out across the living room falling over against a chair. James stood and retrieved the runaway hat. Yost stood unmoving by the front door.

  “Hey, there’s room over here,” someone called, and Yost moved in that direction.

  James waited until Yost was seated before he took a seat at the end of the table. The conversation resumed, rising and falling in the living room. James listened to their opinions on horses, on spring, and on the coming summer’s hay crop, but he watched Yost’s face. It soon lost its tense look as he joined in the talk. Only when a girl’s name was mentioned, accompanied by laughter and good-hearted humor, did Yost look away.

  James kept quiet, thinking things over. Was this what the Englisha girl was after by joining the Amish? This common everyday living they all experienced? But was not the Englisha world so much more exciting? Was it not a place with movies to watch, with television in the house, with an automobile outside to drive when one wished to? Something wasn’t right here. No one would willingly leave that world for this. And no one would marry Yost Byler over nothing. The girl was running from something, and Susan knew what it was.

  The thought hit him like a bolt of lightning out of a dark summer’s thunderstorm. This was why Susan had returned. She was helping the girl run away from her past. It was the only thing that made any sense. Lost in his thoughts, James jerked his head up at the sudden quieting of the room around him. Boys were standing to their feet, and he jumped up himself.

  From the kitchen doorway, the girls were streaming out into the living room. Their white coverings were outlined against the pale blue wall, framing their cheerful faces. James searched the line, finding Susan toward the end with the Englisha girl beside her. Both of them looked happy, as if they had finished sharing something funny in the kitchen. What could the two be hiding?

  “We’re glad all of you could come,” Benny was saying as he stood at the kitchen doorway with his wife, Naomi, beside him. “It’s always a privilege to have the young folks over for supper on a Sunday night. The chance doesn’t come around but once a year, and it’s not often enough for me. Thank all of you for coming. So let’s pray and then we can eat.”

  Silence settled across the room as they all bowed their heads.

  When the prayer was over, James looked in Susan and the Englisha girl’s direction. Both had their heads turned in his direction. James glanced away. It would not do to be caught staring at them. And if he was not mistaken, the Englisha girl had just caught sight of Yost Byler, and she looked quite pale. Indeed, something very strange was going on.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Susan watched from the upstairs window, pushing the dark-blue curtains aside as her daett drove the team of Belgians around the corner of the barn. He looked tired and weary, his face drawn after the day of spring plowing in the fields. Susan’s hand trembled on the drapes between her fingers. How could she even be thinking about leaving?

  Of course they wouldn’t be running away. They
would inform Mamm and Daett of where they were going, but they definitely needed to leave. Things were simply getting out of hand, and Teresa was not coming to her senses. Across the hallway, the cry of baby Samuel startled her.

  Susan walked over to the dresser, pulled open the drawer, and dug under the clothes. She picked up her driver’s license and stared at the picture. Her hair had been done up in a high knot, unadorned with the usual white kapp. Her mamm and daett would pass out if they knew Susan even obtained a license, much less kept it around. But what did they expect? That she had behaved herself perfectly as an Amish woman while living among the Englisha?

  Mamm had to know she hadn’t, and so did Daett. They both knew, and that was the problem with so much of what was going on. Everyone knew, but no one was talking. Susan sighed. This might be the Amish way, but it didn’t mean she had to cooperate. That much she had learned from her time with the Englisha. She could do what she thought was right. Talking with Teresa about leaving would be the first step. The idea might still be a little too much for her friend, but Teresa simply had to have some sense talked into her head.

  Slipping the driver’s license back under the clothes, Susan closed the drawer and then walked across the hall. She knocked on Teresa’s bedroom door.

  “Come in,” the soft answer came.

  Teresa was tending to Samuel when Susan entered.

  “I thought it was you,” Teresa said. “I’m almost done feeding Samuel. Then I think it’s time to start supper, isn’t it?”

  “Yah,” Susan said. “But you’ve worked hard enough today with the wash and the housecleaning. You should let Mamm and me take care of supper.”

  “I wouldn’t think of it,” Teresa said. “I’m enjoying every minute of this and wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

  “Aren’t you ever going to get tired of this, Teresa?” Susan asked. “I’m tired by the evenings, and I’m used to this work. And you’re studying German on top of it all.”

  “But it’s a gut shvacheit,” Teresa said, her smile spreading across her face. “Did I say that right? A good weakness?”

  “Just like one of us!” Susan sat down on the bed beside her.

  “So why are you so dark-looking?” Teresa asked.

  “I’m thinking about you…about us, I guess,” Susan said. “Teresa, I think we should leave.”

  “Leave?” Teresa gaped at her. “Why in the world are you thinking of something like that? That would be absolutely awful. You’re just letting dark thoughts float around in your head, Susan. Throw them out.”

  “Maybe I am,” Susan protested. “But don’t you realize what lies ahead? Marriage to an old man like Yost Byler. Do you know what that means? You’ll have to live with him, not with us. And it won’t be the same. His house is a wreck, and you’ll have to deal with that every day. And his bed, Teresa. Have you thought about that? He’s never been married before. If he had, that might be a little different.”

  Teresa laughed. “You make it sound as if I will die shortly after arriving at his house.”

  “Well, it feels like that sometimes,” Susan said. “Doesn’t it bother you?”

  Teresa sobered. “It does sometimes,” she said. “I’m not going to lie about it. There are times I lie awake at night wondering how I’ve gotten myself into this situation. And I wonder if my heart is leading me correctly. Then I look over to where Samuel is sleeping, and I know I’m doing the right thing.”

  Susan sighed. “Think of really living with him, Teresa. The reality of it.”

  “I have thought of that, Susan,” Teresa said, looking at Samuel. “But you’re forgetting that I have been with a man. I know things that you don’t. Believe me, Susan, I’m sure Yost is a decent man under all that grime and dirt you claim is at his house. And the place will clean up and his clothing will wash. He’s what I deserve, Susan. I’ll be content with that. I have to be.”

  “I can’t believe you’re saying this, Teresa,” Susan objected. “You don’t have to just be content. You deserve to be happy—and that means marrying a man you love.”

  “I will love him,” Teresa said, touching Susan’s arm. “I will love him in my mind, and someday I’ll make him a gut wife. Yost will be a better man for it. I know that because I don’t think God would deny me that since I’m asking for Samuel and not for myself.”

  “I think you’re wrong-headed and thinking in circles,” Susan said. “Yost Byler is an awful man. And it will take more than you to change him.”

  “I don’t agree about the awfulness,” Teresa said. “But God will change him if he needs changing. It will be my job to love him.”

  Susan gasped, standing to pace the floor. “You’re talking like Mamm now—when she speaks to me of Thomas.”

  Teresa laughed. “You and Thomas are another matter. I think you ought to make up with him. And why are you even thinking of leaving again? You should burn that driver’s license you have hidden in the bottom of your drawer.”

  Susan stopped her pacing.

  “Why do you remember about the driver’s license?” she asked.

  “You told me earlier you still had it,” Teresa said, “and isn’t a dresser where all Amish girls hide things?”

  “I hope Mamm doesn’t think like you do,” Susan said, smiling just a little as she resumed her pacing.

  “I’m sure she does, Susan. But I think she’s giving you space to work through these things on your own. You ought to help her. Why aren’t you joining me for the baptismal class coming up next Sunday?”

  “I can’t,” Susan said.

  “Even if that Thomas of yours joins?” Teresa asked.

  Susan stopped and stared at her.

  “How do you know he’s joining the class?”

  Teresa shrugged. “Whispers here and there. The girls don’t think I can understand German yet, and I guess I don’t a lot, but they use enough English words so I can follow along. That Eunice girl thinks Thomas is joining, and she also has plans.”

  Susan laughed. “Then you can forget about me even thinking about joining.”

  “So what did Thomas really do to you that has you so upset?” Teresa asked.

  Susan didn’t take long to answer. “He broke my heart. He betrayed my trust. He shattered my dreams. Shall I go on?”

  “Then why don’t I see little pieces of your broken heart lying around on the ground? Susan, you’re getting along quite fine. And you didn’t hold back from considering love out there in my world. Let’s see, what was his name? Duane Moran?”

  “That was different,” Susan allowed. “Duane was just someone I met. Here I had plans to marry Thomas since our school days.”

  “People seem to make a lot of plans around here,” Teresa said. “Is that what was broken, Susan? Your plans instead of your heart?”

  “That’s not a nice thing to say, Teresa,” Susan remarked. “And I did love the boy. He was the cutest thing in eighth grade, a charmer right down to his bare toes. Thomas could smile at the blackboard and make my heart beat faster. So you can imagine what he did to it when he really smiled at me. I often dreamed of our little farmhouse sitting on top of a hill, where we would love each other forever and ever and never leave. It seemed so real, Teresa. And his affections felt like they could never be broken. Then bam! They were. Just like that. I caught him outside the hymn-singing house one night, laughing and talking with Eunice. Those smiles he gave me were all over his face—giving her what I thought he was only giving me. And then there was the kiss. That did it for me.”

  “That is a sad tale,” Teresa agreed. “And I’m sorry for accusing you.”

  Susan came over in the silence that followed and sat beside Teresa, taking her hand. “And I’m sorry for carrying on about my own troubles. They must seem like nothing compared to what you’ve been through. And don’t try to deny it because I was there. I saw the place you lived in. I saw the area. All that trash in your yard. It’s a wonder you don’t still have nightmares.”

  “It’
s okay.” Teresa wiped her eyes. “The trash in my life wasn’t the worst thing. But at least you understand. I’m so glad you were there to see why I’m acting the way I am.”

  “I’m still not sure I understand totally,” Susan allowed. “Still, you don’t have to go back to that life. We could stay with Laura.”

  “And what would I do with Samuel?” Teresa asked, sitting straight up. “Do you know what my world holds for him, Susan? Even in Laura’s world I’d have to hold down a job. Samuel would be in daycare somewhere. Other people would be taking care of him instead of me. Then how would he turn out? Would Samuel drift toward the life I used to know? He would, Susan. I know he would. All my prayers wouldn’t keep him away from that evil. And all because I would have decided that I wanted life a little easier for myself. No, Susan. I’ll take Yost Byler any day rather than see my son grow up like that.”

  “Okay.” Susan touched Teresa’s arm. “I wouldn’t want you to do something you think isn’t right.”

  “I’m just sorry for your sake,” Teresa replied, wiping her eyes again.

  “Why should you be sorry for me?” Susan asked.

  “Because I’m keeping you here,” Teresa said. “That’s why. You never would have come back in the first place if it hadn’t been for me.”

  “I don’t know about that,” Susan said. “I would have come back sometime. Eventually.”

  “Then don’t leave now, Susan,” Teresa pleaded. “Stay with me. And your mamm and daett need you more than I do.”

  “I’m not going to leave,” Susan said. “I just have dark thoughts sometimes. Maybe you’re doing me more gut than you think. What if you end up helping me to stay?”

  Teresa laughed. “I don’t know about that. But either way, I think I’ll hurry up and get baptized.”

  “You know that your wedding day will be right afterward?” Susan asked.

  Teresa picked up baby Samuel. “I haven’t forgotten. I’ll be okay. The Lord will be with me.”