Following Your Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  At the bottom of the stairs Anna was waiting for them. “I see James has come back. What shall I tell him this time? And don’t you think it’s about time you girls did your own talking?”

  “I agree with that,” Daett said from his rocking chair.

  “But Samuel needs to eat,” Teresa protested.

  “I’ll tend to the baby for a few minutes,” Mamm said, taking Samuel from Teresa’s arms. “You can walk around the corner of the porch if you need a little privacy.”

  Susan shook her head. “You will sit on the porch swing and have a nice long talk,” she ordered. “And I want to hear no more argument out of you.”

  Teresa slipped on her coat, her cheeks flushed. Without a backward glance, she walked to the front door and opened it before there was even a knock. She might as well face James quickly. Let him think she was eager to see him. It wouldn’t matter. One look at her face should clear him of any misconception.

  “Oh, it’s you!” James said from the bottom of the steps.

  “Yes, it’s me,” she replied. “You’ve come back.”

  “I’m sorry about earlier,” James said, coming up to stand beside her. “I understand why you refused to see me. That was very clumsy of me bringing Thomas along. May I speak with you for a few minutes?”

  Teresa looked over her shoulder at the closed door. “We can sit on the swing to talk. I’m afraid it can’t be for long though.”

  James followed her across the porch. The chains on the old swing groaned as they sat down. Silence settled around them for long moments.

  Teresa glanced at James out of the corner of her eye. He was young, his arms bristling with muscles from the farmwork, the side of his face she could see unlined. Right now he was staring straight ahead. Clearly he was different from Yost—with other things on his mind than whether she could wash clothes or bake bread.

  “I’m very sorry about how sudden and strange our relationship has been proceeding so far,” James finally said, his voice strained. “It must seem very odd to you. First, I talk with you after the Sunday night hymn singing, and then I show up here unexpectedly. That’s probably not how things are done in the Englisha world.”

  “I wouldn’t worry about my old world,” she said. “I’ve almost forgotten it already. It’s strange how such things fade away and so quickly. I thank the Lord every day for the wonderful opportunity I have of living among the people of the community. It’s been an answer to my most fervent prayers.”

  “I suppose you never thought about someone like me,” he said, looking sideways at her.

  Teresa laughed. “No, but I doubt if you ever thought about someone like me either. I mean, how could you have? Your people don’t do the wrong things that I’ve done.”

  James shrugged. “You must not hold us up too high. We are also made of flesh and blood. We have our failings and shortcomings like anyone else.”

  “I don’t see any of your unmarried girls with babies,” Teresa said, rising to her feet, her cheeks burning. “James, you’re a kind man, but you really need to go now. And you shouldn’t come back like this again. I’m okay now. I know I don’t have to marry Yost Byler if I don’t want to. I really appreciate what you did for me—or tried to do for me. Menno has promised to give Yost and me a nice wedding after I’m baptized, just like the ones his own daughters had. That’s more than I ever dreamed of. And James, I have you to thank for that. This way, I can always look back and speak to Samuel of my wedding day. A wedding day like all the other mothers in the community had. Thank you for that.”

  “Nee,” James said, raising his hand. “I’m not trying to do things for you, Teresa. Well, maybe I was that first night. Maybe it started like that, but it’s more than that now. Teresa, I want to know you better. You have such faith in Da Hah, such trust in Him, and apparently you’d marry Yost Byler even though you don’t love him. All for the good of your child. That shows a wonderfully, deep, gut heart, Teresa. I’m attracted to that. Can you see that?”

  “I won’t change my mind, James,” she said, “for a whole bunch of reasons.”

  “Please, Teresa, sit down,” James said. “Let’s talk about it. Perhaps I can explain myself better.”

  “Samuel is hungry,” she said. “I can’t leave him for Anna or Susan to take care of. They do enough for me already. And Susan will want to leave for the hymn singing soon. You really should go, James.”

  “Ah…” He jumped to his feet. “I have the perfect idea. I’ll wait and drive you and Susan to the hymn singing. Afterward, I’ll bring both of you home. You don’t have to be embarrassed of me or worry I’m going to pressure you into anything. I’ll drop you off after we get home and leave.”

  “What good would that do?” Teresa asked, regarding him with a tilt of her head.

  “I don’t know,” James said. “Perhaps you could see then that I’m not the awful person you seem to think I am. We could talk at least.”

  “You’re not awful,” Teresa said. “I know that. The problem isn’t with you; it’s with me and my situation.”

  “Please let me take you,” James said, ignoring her words.

  Teresa absently bit her lip as she thought for a moment. “I’ll have to ask Susan.”

  “I’ll wait,” he said.

  Teresa walked across the porch, her long dress brushing the floor and railing. At the corner she turned to look back.

  James smiled.

  Teresa felt an odd sensation in her stomach at the sight of his warm smile.

  “Well, what did he say?” Susan asked as soon as Teresa opened the door. She was sitting on the couch with the squirming baby.

  “He’s still on the porch,” Mamm said.

  “James wants to drive us both to the hymn singing and bring us back,” Teresa said. “I told him I’d ask you.”

  “Is he staying afterward?” Mamm asked.

  Teresa shook her head.

  “And you agreed?” Susan said.

  “I said I would ask you.”

  “It’s okay with me,” Susan said. “I think it’s a good thing, Teresa. Here, take the baby. Go upstairs with him. I’ll bring James in, and when you’re ready we can leave.”

  “We never had such kafuffles when we were young people,” Mamm commented.

  “That’s because you didn’t have as much fun,” Susan said, waving Teresa upstairs with the back of her hand.

  Teresa made her way up the stairs with a prayer on her lips. Dear God, I can’t believe I’m doing this. I said I’d never entertain such thoughts of young men again, and here I am agreeing to go somewhere with one. I do think I’m still the same girl I was. Will You help me do the right thing? Teresa took Samuel into her room and laid him on the bed. He cried, but she stilled him with a whispered, “I’ll be with you in a minute, little one.” Finding a match in the dresser drawer, she lit the kerosene lamp, and then fed the baby by its flickering light. He watched her with wide-open eyes, seeming to search the depths of her soul.

  “Oh, you poor child!” Tears ran down her face. “How could I have brought you into the world without a proper father? I see now how wicked it was of me. I was thinking only of me and what I needed. I promise you, I won’t do that anymore, little one. I’ll put your interests first—only yours. I’ll find you the best father I possibly can. I don’t care what my heart wants. It’s what you need that’s important. And what you need is someone stable. Someone who will provide for you. Someone who doesn’t run away when rough times come. Someone who will love me regardless of how fat I become or how ugly I get in my old age. I promise you, baby Samuel, that you will have someone like that for a dad. I have the faith in my heart that God has given to me. I know He will not betray you…will not betray us.”

  Samuel blinked and swallowed. His eyes were deep and full with flickering shadows dancing on their mirrored surfaces.

  Teresa would not let Samuel down. She would marry Yost as soon as she was baptized.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  When she h
ad finished feeding Samuel, Teresa came down the stairs, pausing on the last step before entering the living room.

  James stood to his feet when she entered and smiled generously.

  Teresa hardly knew how to respond. Couldn’t he notice the baby in her arms? She was not an unsoiled girl. She was a mother without a father for her child. She was something surely shameful in the Amish world. Her face ought to be burning with shame. Instead, she found herself returning his smile.

  “It’s high time we get going,” Susan said, taking Samuel from Teresa’s arms and handing him to Mamm seated in her rocking chair.

  “He’s a good-looking child,” James said, nodding toward Mamm.

  “And well-tempered,” Mamm agreed. “And I guess I should know with nine children. But they all were girls. Maybe baby boys are naturally better tempered.”

  “Oh, I think they are!” James said, grinning from ear to ear.

  “Now Mamm,” Susan said. “Why did you go give James a chance like that? You know girl babies are always easier to take care of.”

  Daett laughed. “Babies come from Da Hah in all shapes and sizes,” he said, “and I was perfectly happy with my nine girls.”

  “There you go,” Susan said. “That’s well-spoken, so wipe that grin off your face, James. Now we better go before we miss supper at the hymn singing.”

  James held his hand out. “Shall we go then?”

  Teresa stared at his outstretched hand. Was she supposed to take it? Was he leading her out to the buggy? Surely not. The community had no such practices that she had ever seen. James must simply be inviting her to come.

  “Oh,” Teresa said. “Yes. I’m ready.”

  Susan was already at the front door, waiting. Teresa walked past James, keeping her eyes down, not looking at his face. Opening the door, Susan smiled, motioning for Teresa to go first. Walking together in silence toward the buggy, the two girls climbed in while James untied the horse.

  “It’s awful tight in here,” Teresa whispered. Why had she not thought of this before? There was hardly room for two, let alone three people.

  Susan smiled. “We do this all the time, and it’s okay. All you do is move out to the edge of the seat, and the boy sits in the middle.”

  Teresa glanced at James, who was coming back with the tie rope in his hand. Sitting in the middle was definitely better than sitting in someone’s lap, she supposed. But they wouldn’t do such things here. She had to stop thinking such thoughts from the past.

  “Well,” James said, climbing in, “are you comfortable, Teresa?”

  “I’m okay,” she replied.

  Susan got in. “Just don’t run over the dog,” Susan said.

  “But there is no dog!” James said, making the turn, the buggy squealing its wheels on the metal side rollers.

  “That was a joke!” Susan laughed.

  “Thomas never mentioned you cracking jokes,” James commented as he leaned forward to check for traffic before pulling out on the main road.

  “Maybe Thomas doesn’t always see things,” Susan said. “And next time you come calling, please leave him at home. You’ll get a much better welcome.”

  “Come on now, Susan,” James chided. “Thomas is a nice man. And he cares about you.”

  “Are you his go-between now? Sent to sweet-talk me into something?” Susan asked. “I thought better of you.”

  James laughed. “I wouldn’t even think of trying that. I was just stating the obvious.”

  “Well, you’re not going to change my mind about him,” Susan said. “So please don’t even try.”

  “So what is your opinion of our community now, Teresa?” James asked, glancing sideways as he changed the subject.

  “I think it’s wonderful,” Teresa replied. “It’s even better than I thought it would be.”

  “A glowing report then,” James said. “That’s gut. And what do you think of the young people?”

  “Well, the girls have been nice to me,” Teresa said. “And it’s something how well everyone is brought up.”

  “That’s saying it differently,” James said. “I guess we are ‘brought up.’ ”

  “You can be thankful for that,” Teresa said. “I expect the rules and the parents watching what the young people do can seem a little overbearing at times, but believe me, the other way is not good. I should know. I longed many times for a mother who cared about what I was doing.”

  “Was your father ever around?” James asked.

  “Not that I remember,” Teresa said.

  “Your parents were divorced then? And you didn’t have visitations with your father?” James asked. “I thought the Englisha had laws about such things when the parents aren’t together?”

  “My mother wasn’t married to my father,” Teresa admitted reluctantly. “I guess I got used to it. But I don’t want that kind of life for Samuel. That’s what brought me here.”

  “You really shouldn’t pester Teresa with so many questions, James,” Susan warned.

  “I’m sorry,” James said. “I was just curious. And I think it’s gut what Teresa’s doing. Not many girls would do that for a child.”

  “Thank you,” Teresa replied. “That was a nice thing to say.”

  “That’s because I’m a nice person,” James answered with a smile.

  “You’re also arrogant and full of yourself,” Susan retorted.

  “That’s also true,” James admitted, turning into the driveway. Lines of buggies were parked by the barn. He pulled the buggy to a stop at the end of the walk.

  “Now, you are taking us home again, right?” Susan asked after stepping down.

  “Of course,” James said. “I wouldn’t leave you stranded.”

  “Just checking. You never know about boys.” Susan walked around the buggy to join Teresa.

  James ignored the remark and clucked to his horse. They took off toward the barn.

  “The boys are staring at us,” Teresa whispered. “What are they thinking?”

  “They’re wondering why James brought both of us to the hymn singing,” Susan said.

  “Why did he bring us?” Teresa asked.

  “Because he likes you,” Susan said. “Don’t be silly. You know that. What do you think of him?”

  “You know the answer to that,” Teresa said, “You know I’ve already made up my mind about my future, so don’t entertain any other thoughts.”

  “James is turning out to be nicer than I thought he was,” Susan said, holding open the washroom door. “Maybe you ought to give him a chance.”

  Stepping inside, Teresa removed her shawl and bonnet and lay them on the large pile. Already she knew how to find them again when the time came to leave for home. The feeling was good, like she was already a real Amish woman, even before she was baptized. This morning Bishop Henry had asked her a question in German, and the answer had come a little slow, but it had come. Even Deacon Ray had smiled his approval. But what would he say about his son bringing her to the hymn singing? He wouldn’t like it…not at all. She really must convince James on the way home that his attentions were not wise. He needed to find himself a good Amish girl, one who had a father around while growing up and a mother who took care of her.

  “Teresa,” Susan whispered in her ear, “are you okay? We need to go inside.”

  “I was just thinking,” Teresa said, trying to smile.

  Susan shrugged and led the way in. The murmur of the girls in the kitchen dropped when they came in, resuming moments later to the normal level of cheerful chatter as the two young women blended in and greeted everyone.

  Teresa stayed close to Susan, nodding at the greetings and smiling her own. All the while, James’s face stayed in her mind—the crinkles when he smiled, his approval of her reason for coming to the community, how strong his hands were on the reins as he clucked to his horse. Could a woman want anything more in a man? A man like that who could plow fields, milk cows by hand, and still have a heart that seemed to understand and appreciate a
woman’s heart and motives…

  The world of Asbury Park had certainly produced nothing of that kind. There might be good men in Laura and Robby’s world, but not like the men here. The men here were simply better. Here there was the closeness to the earth, this realness which took one’s breath away. But did Yost Byler have all those things? Surely he must. No matter, she had to be satisfied with what was good enough and not reach for what was not hers. James’s future belonged to an Amish girl, one who would be good enough for such a perfect man.

  A male voice from the living room rose above the conversation. “We are so glad to have the young folks here for supper tonight. If everyone is here, Deacon Ray will lead us in prayer.”

  Teresa listened as James’s daett prayed, his voice rising and falling with the German words as he led out with “Unser Vater im himmel…”

  “Our Father in heaven,” Teresa translated as she mouthed the words along with him. Joy flooded through her heart. She was standing here with these people, eating supper with their young people, saying with them that God was her Father. There could not be more to ask for. This great God whom they worshipped would surely smite her for reaching beyond what she’d been given. “Help me stay humble, God,” she added under her breath. “I am so thankful for what You have given me already. I really want to be happy with Yost and the love he offers. I’m sure You will help me make this clear to James so that he will understand. I want to do what You want me to do.”

  Deacon Ray finished the prayer, and conversation in the room resumed.

  Teresa waited with the other girls until the boys had gone through the line before moving to fill her plate. There was meatloaf on the table, already half gone, but a young girl appeared with another pan and slid it onto the table. Potato salad sat beside the corn and green beans. Bread and jam finished out the main course. Beyond that sat pies—apple, cherry, and chocolate cream.

  “There’s so much to eat!” Teresa commented to the girl in front of her. “I’ll get fat soon.”

  “Then you’ll look like a real Amish girl!” The girl laughed.