Following Your Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Menno Hostetler’s place appeared in front of him, and Yost pulled back on the reins, slowing his horse to a walk. It would not do to dash into Menno’s driveway like some wild unkempt youngster with dust flying off his buggy wheels. He was a grown man.

  Someone was on the front porch with a broom and dustpan. Yost squinted in the bright sunlight. Was it Teresa working on a Saturday afternoon? The girl disappeared, and he shook his head. It could have been Susan. But still, even if it wasn’t Teresa, Anna would be continuing her education in the community’s ways. If Susan was not idle on a Saturday afternoon, neither would Teresa be.

  Pulling up to the hitching post, Yost climbed out. Behind him the barn door opened and Menno came out.

  “Good afternoon,” Menno said, a smile playing on his face. “What brings you out on such a fine day?”

  “Ah…” Yost cleared his throat. There was no sense in spilling everything into Menno’s ears. He had little control over what Teresa did when it came to love. “I think I had best be speaking with Teresa if she’s around.”

  “The women were working on the Saturday cleaning the last I was in the house,” Menno said. “That and baking bread and pies. Do you wish to stay for supper? I’m sure there’s plenty of food.”

  Yost swallowed hard. Now this was a temptation hard to resist, but cows didn’t take well to off-schedule milking. “I…I’d like to…” he managed to get out, “but the chores are not done. I should really be getting back, but perhaps some other time?”

  “You’re always welcome,” Menno said. “I’m sure if you go up to the house and knock, Anna will welcome you. She probably saw you arrive.”

  Yost nodded and tied his horse to the hitching rail as Menno went back to the barn. With hesitant steps, Yost moved toward the front door. When he was still at the bottom landing, the door opened and Teresa stepped out.

  “Good afternoon,” she said with a smile.

  “Gut afternoon,” Yost said, brushing a piece of straw off his shirtsleeve. “I hope I’m not keeping you from your work, but I thought we had best speak a few words with each other.”

  “We’re almost done for the afternoon,” Teresa said. “Anna said I should come out and see what you want. We can sit over there, if you wish,” she continued, nodding toward the porch swing.

  “I can’t stay long,” Yost said, “but I do keep my thoughts better in order if I’m sitting. I hope I will not be saying things that should not be said.”

  “I suppose there are many things that should have been said some time ago,” Teresa said, leading the way to the swing. “But the ways of the community are new and strange to me.”

  “I can imagine,” Yost said. “But it was not your place to say what needs to be said. I should have been here a long time ago—back when I first heard the ministers were no longer requiring you to agree to a marriage before being baptized.”

  “Yah,” Teresa said, not looking at him.

  “Are you changing your mind…about the wedding?” Yost asked. “I know I should have been making plans with you, but I was waiting for you to come to my place, as we talked about the last time I was here.”

  When Teresa remained silent, Yost continued. “Do you still plan to say the vows with me at your baptismal?” he asked. “That wouldn’t take too much planning and would keep things very simple.”

  “What if I changed my mind?” Teresa asked. “A woman can always do that, and apparently your ministers agree that I should be able to.”

  Yost shook his head. “Does this have something to do with a proper wedding day? I can’t provide a big wedding which is why we should be married at your baptismal. But I have my place ready after the wedding. I am able to support you and the child well enough. I understand that is important to you.”

  “It’s not the wedding day, Yost,” Teresa said. “Menno has offered to give me one here when I get married. Isn’t that nice of him? I can’t say how much I appreciate that.”

  “They are nice people,” Yost said, staring across Menno’s freshly planted cornfield. He might as well get to the point. “So is it Deacon Ray’s boy who is holding you back? I was told that James drove you and Susan around on Sunday. Is this placing thoughts into your head? You know that James cannot give you a home for your child right away. And you can’t keep on living here with Menno and Anna, even if you are baptized.”

  “I really don’t know what to think, Yost,” Teresa admitted. “I can’t say I’ve changed my mind, but I do want to take Menno up on his offer. It would be so sweet to have a real Amish wedding. I know I don’t deserve it, but I also haven’t deserved much else offered to me by the community. I do want to thank you again for the help you are offering me. It is very kind of you.”

  “So you have spoken to James about love?” Yost asked.

  Teresa sat in silence, her hands clasped in front of her.

  “I see that you have,” Yost said.

  “He has spoken to me, Yost,” Teresa corrected. “I did not bring up the subject with him.”

  “None of this is acceptable, Teresa,” Yost said, getting to his feet. “I hope you realize that. This cannot go on. James puts girls through his life like bundles of cornstalks thrown into the threshing machine. He has no plans to make a home for your son or for you. All this situation will accomplish is trouble, and then you will have nothing left. I insist we get married on your baptismal day as we planned.”

  “I need time to think, Yost,” Teresa said. “Surely you can understand that.”

  “You didn’t need time before, Teresa. When you first came here, you were small in your own eyes. You thought anything was gut enough for you. You were thankful to have a chance at a husband, just as a frau should be. Now look what has happened to you. James talks sweet to you, and your head gets so big that your kapp hardly fits anymore. If you don’t promise me that you’ll marry me on your baptism day, I will go to Deacon Ray on my way home and have a talk with him. When he hears that James has spoken to you of love, it will not go well for either of you.”

  “I’m sorry,” Teresa whispered. “I didn’t want any of this to happen. I came here only to find peace for my son. I’m not trying to make trouble.”

  Yost studied her face, but she kept her eyes on the porch floor. “Will you promise me again to marry? And agree there will be no more trouble about the date?”

  “You wouldn’t consider waiting until Menno can give me a wedding?” Teresa asked.

  “I’ve waited long enough,” Yost said, leaning against the porch rail. “I will not have such an uncertain thing hanging over my head. But perhaps I can give you some time to think about this. I know that the words James has spoken to you are still going around in your head. But you must put them away. If you want to continue with the wedding as I have decided, then pay a visit to the house sometime before the baptismal. Susan can come along, and we can talk while she cleans. Is that not fair enough? Otherwise I will stop by Deacon Ray’s place on my way home.”

  Teresa stood and walked over to stand beside him. “Yost, I thank you for wanting to provide a home for me and be a father for Samuel. It’s more than I deserve. I don’t ask you to love me. I won’t even expect that. But if you can wait and let me have the wedding here sometime after my baptismal day…”

  “Nee, I will not,” Yost said. “I’ve waited long enough. My house has waited long enough. I want this done—finished as soon as possible.”

  When Teresa said nothing, Yost reached forward and took her by her arms and pulled her toward him. Hesitating only a moment, he then kissed her. When she struggled against his force, he relented and released her.

  Teresa looked down as tears formed in her eyes.

  Yost watched her for a few moments and then took her by the hand and led her back to the porch swing.

  “I do not wish to cause you trouble,” he said. “I see I have wounded your heart. I don’t know how to be with a woman since I have never been married, but I will try, Teresa. Yet sometimes words must be spo
ken by a man to his future wife that may be hard to hear. They may even hurt as I see they do now. Still, I am not sorry that I have spoken them. You must understand how our people work. It isn’t acceptable that an unwed mother should be living in the community without a husband. If you were Menno’s daughter, it still wouldn’t be right. It’s a shame we should not be asked to bear, Teresa. That shame will be done away with when we say the vows. Do you understand that?”

  Teresa nodded, still not looking at him.

  “I am glad you understand,” Yost said. “I’m sure you realize the need to keep your word to me.” With that he stood again. “I really must go back to my chores. I’m already late. I will wait for you to pay a visit. You don’t need to let me know in advance when. I’m always working around the farm. Goodbye, Teresa.”

  “Goodbye,” Teresa whispered. She watched as Yost walked across the yard, untied his horse, and climbed into his buggy.

  Yost gave a little wave before he drove down the driveway. He settled back into the seat as his horse headed north. Not even Deacon Ray could have handled that better, he figured. He hadn’t faltered or given in to the Englisha girl’s imaginations. He was ready for marriage, ready to have a wife in his house.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  Teresa sat on the porch swing as she watched the buggy disappear into the distance. The rustle of the wind through the green leaves of the nearby oak seemed her only solace against the words and actions from the man who would be her husband.

  The front door opened slowly and Susan stepped out.

  Teresa waved her off with one hand, wiping away her tears with the other. When Susan didn’t leave, Teresa relented. “Oh, Susan!” Teresa cried. “That was so hard.”

  “What did that awful man have to say?” Susan asked, sitting down beside her.

  “Nothing I didn’t already know,” Teresa said. “And he kissed me. He didn’t ask or give me time or anything. He just grabbed me and kissed me.”

  “Start talking!” Susan ordered. “Tell me everything.”

  Teresa dried her eyes. “He said, basically, that James is blowing a lot of hot air, and that he—Yost—is the only one who will make a decent husband for me and provide for Samuel. He doesn’t want the wedding at my baptismal called off or even postponed.”

  “You don’t have to marry him,” Susan reminded.

  “I know, Susan, but maybe I need to,” Teresa said. “I’m different than you are. You forget that. I have a son without being married. And it’s not like I haven’t been kissed before.”

  “You’re not that different,” Susan asserted. “And a kiss taken is different than a kiss given.”

  Mamm opened the front door. “Is everything okay, Teresa?”

  “Yes.” Teresa attempted to smile. “We’re just talking.”

  “Okay, if you’re sure,” Mamm said, waiting a minute before closing the door.

  “Continue!” Susan commanded, glancing at Teresa. “But first let me say this. I think it’s awful that you’re letting Yost mess up your mind about James. You had a good time with him Sunday night. And that’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

  “Yost threatened to speak with Deacon Ray about James if I don’t agree to the wedding on my baptismal day,” Teresa said.

  Susan laughed. “And you’re afraid of that? You know the ministers said you could do what you wish about marriage.”

  “Yost doesn’t think Deacon Ray is going to take the news well that James has been driving me around,” Teresa said. “Even though you were along, I think he’s right. So there’s really only one choice—the one that has been present all along. What is best for Samuel? Yost was right about that. James is uncertain. I can’t take a chance on him. Not when I think of Samuel. At least with Yost I know what I’m getting. He will be true to me and faithful to Samuel.”

  A buggy could be heard coming on the road. Susan looked out and said, “I can’t believe that man’s coming back!”

  Teresa followed Susan’s gaze. “I don’t believe it’s his buggy, Susan,” she said.

  Seconds passed before Susan responded. “Hmm, I don’t think so either. How did you know?”

  “Because I know what my husband-to-be’s buggy looks like,” Teresa said.

  “It’s Deacon Ray’s buggy,” Susan observed. “I wouldn’t worry. This can’t be about you. Not twice in a row. I suppose he’s out on his normal Saturday afternoon rounds. He might even go on by to Ada’s place, although I haven’t heard anything about what her boys might have done wrong.”

  “He’s slowing down.” Teresa groaned.

  “Come inside!” Susan said, grabbing Teresa’s arm. “He will speak with Daett in the barn.”

  “What’s going on?” Mamm asked, coming out of the kitchen as they rushed inside.

  “Deacon Ray is calling,” Susan said. “I didn’t want to be seen on the front porch.”

  “I’m so sorry for all the trouble, Mrs. Hostetler,” Teresa said, her face white. “I’m afraid this will be about me again.”

  “Come dear,” Mamm said. “Let’s not jump to conclusions. Deacons have work to do in the church that we don’t always know about. Menno will speak to him, and he’ll tell us if we need to know anything. Did you and Yost get things worked out?”

  Teresa sat down before answering. “Yost insists on holding the wedding on my baptismal day,” she said. “He doesn’t want to wait, and he doesn’t want all the fuss. I guess that would make things easier for everyone.”

  “Remember, you are welcome to hold a wedding here,” Mamm said. “But it would be good if Yost would agree to it.”

  “I think she should tell the man to go back to his tumbledown farm and stay there!” Susan said.

  “Susan! Don’t be disrespectful. And that’s Teresa’s decision, not yours,” Mamm said. “At least Teresa has a prospect for a husband. You’re not doing so well for yourself in that area, Susan.”

  “That’s not a nice thing to say!” Susan protested.

  “Sometimes the truth has to be spoken,” Mamm said. “Don’t discourage Teresa if she wants to marry Yost.”

  “Thank you, Mrs. Hostetler.”

  Mamm smiled. “You look a little peaked from your time with Yost. Perhaps you should rest for a while. Samuel might need feeding, and Susan and I can finish the afternoon cleaning.”

  “I’ll help first,” Teresa said, getting to her feet. She picked up the broom and dustpan. “Samuel isn’t crying yet, so I’m sure he’s fine.”

  Mamm smiled. “Why not work on your room then? I will take over for you if Samuel starts to fuss.”

  “Thank you,” Teresa whispered, slipping up the stairs. At the landing, she entered her bedroom and began to sweep. Questions swirled through her mind until the broom grew still. Deacon Ray was outside and what did he want? No doubt it had to do with James’s interest in her. It had to be. Nothing else made much sense.

  Taking the broom with her, Teresa crossed the hall into Susan’s room. Stepping up to the side of the window, she peeked around the edge of the drapes. Menno and the deacon were standing by the buggy, deep in conversation. Menno had a foot up on the buggy wheel, and Deacon Ray was gesturing with his arms.

  “Oh, dear God,” she whispered, turning to kneel beside Susan’s bed. Burying her head in her hands, she wept. What trouble she had brought to these good people’s lives. Before she came they had been living peacefully, enjoying the blessings God gave to all humble hearts, and now look what was happening. Perhaps she should have listened to Susan and returned to Asbury Park.

  “Oh, if it weren’t for Samuel, I would,” she wept. “But I promised Samuel I wouldn’t take him back there. Oh, God, please have mercy on me and my baby.”

  Standing to her feet, Teresa peeked around the window shades again. The men were still there. Menno was now standing with his arms folded across his chest, his lengthy beard flowing over his hands. Deacon Ray still looked like he was doing most of the talking.

  Should she go out and speak with t
hem? The question brought an end to the tears. Perhaps if she humbled herself, explaining to Deacon Ray that she wasn’t trying to cause any trouble, that she was still considering Yost Byler’s offer of marriage, he might understand. No doubt Deacon Ray thought she was trying to steal his son.

  Teresa went down the stairs. Mamm was working in the living room, and looked up with questions in her eyes.

  “I’m going out to speak with the men,” Teresa said.

  “I’m not sure that’s wise,” Mamm said. “It might not be you they are speaking of.”

  “I think it is,” Teresa said, trying to smile down at baby Samuel in her arms. He was watching her with steady eyes. At least he wasn’t crying, so he must not be hungry yet.

  “You’re going outside?” Susan asked from the kitchen doorway.

  “Let her go,” Mamm instructed. “I’ll watch Samuel for you.”

  Teresa handed Samuel to Anna and then walked to the front door, opened it, and stepped outside.

  Both men looked up when she appeared on the porch.

  “Help me, God,” she whispered over and over as she walked toward them.

  The men turned to face her directly.

  “Teresa,” Menno said and nodded.

  “I’m sorry to bother you,” Teresa said, her voice trembling. “But if this conversation is about me, I would like to be involved.”

  “It is about you, Teresa, but you should not have come out. I would have told you later. That is our way,” Menno said.

  “I’m sorry,” Teresa said, “but it seemed best that I come out and speak to both of you.”

  Deacon Ray cleared his throat. “Since you’re out here, perhaps this is gut. It will give me a chance to ask you questions without Menno passing them between us. Such situations can cause misunderstandings. So let me ask you, why are you trying to catch my son James as your husband? I agreed with Menno that we shouldn’t force you to marry Yost on your baptismal day, but I did not think you would pursue my son. This is a serious matter. I believe it calls your instruction and baptism into question. I cannot see how we can baptize you and accept you into our community if you so plainly go after one of our boys.”