The End Of Desire: A Rowan Gant Investigation

by M. R. Sellars

  “Why, Rowan?” Felicity asked.

  “She’s sick, honey.”

  “But, why did she send that to me?”

  “I don’t have a good answer for that, other than I think the first one applies here as well. She’s a very sick person.”

  I waited for a moment, continuing to watch her as she stared out at the yard. Finally, I said, “It will probably only be another few minutes. The tech should be done in there shortly, and we can go back in.”

  “It doesn’t matter. That’s not why I’m out here,” she muttered.

  “Oh,” I said, unable to keep a mildly perplexed tone from attaching itself to the words. “I see.”

  “I’m out here because of the way I feel,” she explained.

  “I know, honey. I understand.”

  She remained silent for a long while. Even in profile, I could tell by her expression that she was deep in thought, wrestling with something she wanted to say but couldn’t.

  Eventually, she whispered, “No. I don’t think you do.”

  “Okay, I can accept that,” I agreed with a shallow nod. “I really can’t pretend to understand what it is you’re feeling. I can only imagine that it might be similar to how I feel.”

  “How do you feel?” she asked.

  I tried to sum up the swirl of emotions in a few simple words. “Sickened. Horrified. Mournful.”

  “Yes,” she mumbled. “Like you’re supposed to.”

  “Honey, I’m fairly certain there’s no hard and fast rule with regard to how you’re supposed to react to something like this.”

  “Maybe not, but your reaction is normal.”

  “What makes you think yours isn’t?”

  “What would you say if I told you I don’t feel any of those things? None of them at all.”

  “If I also consider the fact that you’ve been standing out here in the cold without a coat for more than a half hour, I’d say you’re probably in shock.”

  “I wish I was.”

  “Sweetheart, I’m pretty sure you are.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Why not?”

  “If I was in shock then maybe I’d be numb,” she offered. “I wouldn’t feel anything.”

  “So…” I asked. “I assume that means you’re feeling something?”

  “Yes.”

  “Anger?”

  She nodded. “Maybe a little. But, that’s not really it.”

  “Can you describe it?”

  “Aye, unfortunately I can.”

  I waited for her to continue, but after several heartbeats, it became obvious she wasn’t going to do so without prodding. “Would you like to tell me what you’re feeling?”

  “I’m afraid.”

  “That’s perfectly normal, Felicity. So am I.”

  “No, Rowan.” She gave her head a shake then frowned. “I mean I’m afraid to tell you what I’m feeling.”

  “Why?”

  “Because… If I do you’ll think I’m insane.”

  “I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

  “You say that now.”

  “And, I’ll say it again after you tell me.”

  She stewed for a moment, turning her gaze toward the activity at the bird feeders nearby. “The grackles have been eating all the food,” she stated, conspicuously diverting the subject. “The rest of the birds aren’t getting much.”

  “We go through that every year,” I offered in reply. I wanted to press her for an answer to her earlier cryptic comment, but I feared she might be too fragile at this point. As tough as I knew my wife to be, her current demeanor was worrying me.

  “I wish they’d just go away,” she mused.

  “We can always take down the feeders,” I said.

  “No,” she shook her head. “That wouldn’t be fair to the other birds… Besides, I suppose they serve a purpose. Before you came out, a hawk swooped in and had one of the grackles for lunch.”

  “Nature at work, I suppose.”

  Finally, she pivoted her head back toward me and said, “What if I told you I feel like he got what he deserved?”

  “The grackle?”

  “No. Lewis. ‘mat.’”

  I thought about her comment for a few seconds then said, “I’d still have to say shock. After what happened yesterday you were angry. I wouldn’t be surprised if you haven’t let go of that yet, even if you think you have. Your mind is probably dealing with all of this by rationalizing what happened to him as some form of cosmic justice.”

  “You sound like Helen.”

  “Yeah,” I admitted. “I guess I do. Sorry about that.”

  “Don’t be. Maybe you’re right. At least, I hope you are. I don’t like feeling this way. It’s not like me at all.”

  “No, it isn’t. But, I can certainly understand it. You’ve been through way too much this past couple of months. You’ve been overloaded with a whole spectrum of emotions, and something eventually has to give. Sometimes our brains just have to take a breather, and that tends to make our psyche’s go a little off kilter.”

  “Is this how you feel? I mean, when you’ve finally had all you can take?”

  “We all feel things differently, Felicity.”

  “So, that’s a no?”

  “It’s a we all feel things differently.”

  “Aye, I thought so.”

  She turned back to face the yard. I stood there wondering if I should have simply said yes to the original question in order to help her reconcile what she was going through. Of course, hindsight is twenty-twenty, but at the moment even that seemed more than just a bit myopic.

  I looked over my shoulder and glanced through the kitchen window but saw no activity at all. I had to assume Ben and the tech were out inspecting the yard as I had suggested.

  Turning back to Felicity I said, “Looks safe in there now. Want to go in?”

  “Not just yet.”

  “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

  She shook her head. “No.”

  I waited a moment, listening to the rise and fall of the wind as it hissed through the bare branches of the trees.

  “So, Ben is insisting we come stay at his place until this blows over,” I finally said. “I think that might be a good idea.”

  “We can’t leave the animals,” she said. “We’ve done that too much lately. They’re already traumatized enough.”

  “We’ll get RJ to take them.”

  “RJ is out of town.”

  “Then Joe and Terri. We’ll find somebody.”

  “That isn’t the point.”

  “I know it isn’t, sweetheart, but she knows where we live. It isn’t safe here.”

  “There’s magick involved, Rowan. Will it really be any safer elsewhere?”

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “But, we can at least stack some of the odds in our favor.”

  “We could just ward the house again.”

  “Wards stop magick. They don’t stop people.”

  “If we stay with him, we’ll just have to ward there as well. What will he say when I start salting and smudging his house?”

  “Knowing him, probably something about hocus-pocus and la-la land.”

  She sighed heavily. “Aye, I suppose maybe you’re right. Staying here would be too big a risk.”

  I heard a knock behind me, and I turned to see Ben standing at the back window of the kitchen, rapping his knuckles on the glass. As soon as he had my attention, he waved me in.

  “It looks like Ben needs to talk to me,” I told Felicity.

  “Aye, I’m sure he needs to talk to me as well.”

  “I’m sure that can wait if you aren’t ready.”

  “No. I should get it over with.”

  “Okay, if you’re sure.”

  I ushered my wife in through the back door ahead of me then followed her through the atrium and into the kitchen. The warmth of the house made my cheeks tingle as the circulation resumed in my face.

  “Hey,”
I said with a quick nod toward Ben. “We were just talking about coming in to pack some bags.”

  “Yeah, good idea,” he returned, a stoic expression on his face.

  “I suppose you need a statement from me?” Felicity asked.

  “Yeah,” he nodded. “But, why don’t ya’ get started packin’. We can do that in a bit.”

  “Aye, are you sure?”

  “Yeah.” He nodded again.

  “Thanks,” she replied.

  We both started from the room, but Ben tapped my arm as I passed. When I looked up at him, he jerked his head toward the back of the kitchen.

  “You go ahead, honey,” I told Felicity. “I’ll be along in a minute.”

  “Why? What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I just need to talk to Ben.”

  She looked at us both then turned and continued through the doorway without a word. When he decided she was out of earshot, Ben raised an eyebrow.

  “Not doin’ too good, is she?” he asked.

  “She’s okay,” I told him. “Rattled, but that’s understandable.”

  “Want me ta’ call Helen and invite her over for dinner so they can talk?”

  “I doubt she’d want to come over for dinner only to have to work, Ben. Besides, I’d rather not put any pressure on Felicity. I think she might just need some time to get over the shock.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah. For now anyway.”

  “Okay,” he said, looking to the side then smoothing back his hair. “So, you were right about the bones. Didn’t take long ta’ find a coupl’a fragments. The tech is taping off the front yard right now, and she just called in some support ta’ do a full sweep.”

  “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

  “So, when we pick ‘em up, will that make the curse go away?”

  “Not really. For one thing it will be impossible for you to get all of them.”

  “It somethin’ that could kill ya’?”

  “Probably not.”

  “Prob’ly?”

  “It’s magick, Ben,” I explained. “It isn’t good, but it’s also something I can protect myself against.”

  “Well, then I guess ya’ better do some of your hocus-pocus then.”

  “Trust me, I will. And, Felicity already has hocus-pocus planned for your house.”

  “Friggin’ lovely. So, how’s your head? You’re sure you ain’t gonna kick off all of a sudden or somethin’, right?”

  “It hurts, and I seriously doubt it.”

  “Okay, just checkin’. So, anyway, listen… Do cloves mean anything?”

  “Why? Did you find cloves out there too?”

  “No. Got a call from Martin. Apparently, Devereaux didn’t do any of the regular Voodoo shit we’ve found in the past. Nothin’ obvious anyway. But, there was a big ass container of cloves spilled all over the kitchen counter.”

  “Hmmm… Clove oil is used in love and lust spells. Are you sure it just wasn’t some sort of accident in the kitchen?”

  “Well, there’s a pile of wax too. Looks like what’s left of a red candle accordin’ ta’ Martin. They also found a dish with what appears ta’ be blood in it. He figured I should run it past ya’ since I was here.”

  “Okay, if you throw in the candle and the blood, I’d have to say it sounds like some kind of magick, or at least an attempt at it,” I replied. “But I’m not sure exactly what.”

  “Okay. Just thought I’d check…” He sighed then shook his head. “So, if ya’ saw it ya’ think ya’ might be able ta’ tell?”

  “Maybe. It’s hard to say.”

  “What if you were in the same room with it?”

  “The odds would be better,” I replied. “Ben, are you asking me what I think you are?”

  “Look, I know ya’ quit and all, but yeah, I’m askin’. You wanna come with me to the scene?”

  “Why?”

  “Ta’ see if all that is somethin’ ya’ need ta’ worry about.”

  “I’m not really comfortable with leaving Felicity right now. I think it would be…”

  “I’ll go,” Felicity’s voice cut me off from the doorway.

  Ben and I both turned to look in her direction. I had no idea how long she had been standing there, but it was obviously long enough to know what I was objecting to.

  “I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” I told her.

  “Why?”

  “I think that’s pretty obvious.”

  “I gotta agree with Row on this one,” Ben added. “Besides, given your history with this guy, your name on the scene log ain’t gonna fly.”

  “One of us needs to go,” she replied. “You can’t effectively counter a spell without knowing what it is to begin with.”

  “You can just ward against magick, Felicity. You know that.”

  “Aye, well maybe I’m tired of hiding,” she shot back. “It hasn’t done me any good so far.”

  Ben looked at me and said with a shrug, “Your call, White Man.”

  I glanced back to my wife. Her expression hadn’t changed and neither had the look of determination in her eyes.

  “If I can’t go, then you have to,” she said.

  “What about the whole thing with me being banned from the investigation?” I said, looking over to Ben.

  “Fuck it.”

  “You could get into trouble taking me into a scene.”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “I’m not good with that.”

  “You don’t hafta be.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “Listen, this ain’t about the investigation. This is personal. If this bitch is throwin’ somethin’ down on you, then ya’ need ta’ know what it is.”

  “It might not have anything to do with us at all.”

  “You really believe that?”

  I didn’t reply.

  “Uh-huh,” he grunted, adding a slow nod as well. “Thought as much.”

  “You actually sound like you’re starting to believe in magick.”

  “Right now I believe in makin’ sure you two are safe. If this weird ass shit poses a threat, then ya’ need to know about it.”

  “So what could happen to you if I go?”

  “That ain’t for you to worry about.”

  “I’m going to anyway.”

  “Yeah, so now ya’ know how I feel.”

  “Well, like I was saying earlier, I’m not comfortable with leaving Felicity here by herself. Not after this morning.”

  “Not an issue anyway,” Ben offered. “I already called for a unit from the locals to come over an watch the house. They’ll be here before the crime scene unit even thinks about clearin’ out.”

  “Aye, I’ll be fine,” she interjected. “I’ll lock the door and finish packing while you’re gone.”

  All of my objections had been met head on, and I really couldn’t think of any more. Of course, even if I did I suspected Ben would have an answer for them as well.

  Reluctantly, I gave in. “Okay, I guess I’ll go.”

  CHAPTER 30:

  News crews were already on site, their vans positioned across the street while reporters performed for the cameras using the activity surrounding the apartment complex as a lurid backdrop. As usual, Ben muttered an expletive or two about them as he hooked his van into the parking lot then nosed it into an empty space. Before climbing out of the vehicle, he slipped his badge onto a cord then hung it around his neck.

  When we arrived at the fluttering line of yellow tape, my friend flashed the shield to the officer standing watch at the building entrance then signed in on the crime scene log. He stood by patiently waiting while I added my name to the list.

  “Can I see your ID, sir?” the officer asked as I handed the pen back to him.

  “He’s with me,” Ben answered before I could reply.

  The officer glanced at my name on the clipboard, back at Ben, then to me. “Which department are you with?”

  “He’s an independent consultant,” B
en replied, once again not giving me a chance to speak. “Like I said, he’s with me.”

  The man cocked an eyebrow and stared at him for a moment then pointed toward the building. “One-oh-three. Down the stairs, second door on the right. Can’t miss it.”

  Inside the door, we both donned latex gloves and paper shoe covers before continuing down the short flight of stairs then along the hallway toward the entrance to the apartment. My mind was already starting to race before we had ever entered the building, and upon reaching 103, it was setting new speed records. Ben started through the door, but I visibly hesitated before stepping across the threshold.

  The scent of cloves wafted out of the apartment carried along on the unmistakable metallic funk of blood and fresh death. The bizarre mélange of smells made the ache in my head automatically shift into a higher gear.

  The last time I had entered a crime scene where Annalise and Miranda had played their deadly games, I had walked into far more than I was prepared to handle. Granted, I had been alone and too exhausted to properly shield myself from the onslaught, but the memory of that incident was still fresh. Too fresh, in fact, for something that was now over two weeks old.

  “You okay?” Ben asked as he stepped back out into the hallway. “I turned around and you were gone. You ain’t goin’ la-la are ya’?”

  “No…” I replied. “I’m just a bit… anxious… I guess.”

  “I told ya’ not ta’ worry about that,” he said. “I’ll deal with it.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not that. It’s more like bad memories.”

  “You wanna take a pass?” he asked. “You can wait in the van if ya’ want.”

  “No. I’m already here. I might as well have a look.”

  “Long as you’re sure. I mean, I want ya’ ta’ take a look at this whole candle thing, that’s the whole point. But, I also don’t wanna push ya’ over the edge either.”

  My head was pounding at this point, but I couldn’t be sure if it was a product of what waited on the other side of the doorway, or if it was entirely due to this attack of anxiety. I closed my eyes for a moment then drew in a deep breath.

  “It’s okay,” I finally said. “Let’s go on in.”

  Ben watched me carefully for a moment then offered a guarded “okay.”