Out of Heaven's Grasp

by V. J. Chambers

  “I don’t know,” he said. “I think there’s evil. I think it’s evil to be separate. Whenever you try to break yourself away from other people or from nature or your own mind, I think that’s evil.”

  “I don’t even know what evil is.” I gazed into the dancing flames. “People used to tell me that everything that anyone wanted was evil.”

  “What?” River laughed. “How could that be true?”

  I stared up at the sky. Now… now, the mushrooms felt very, very good. If alcohol started good and got bad, then mushrooms started bad and got good. I smiled. “Desire. They said desire was evil. They said we should accept everything, and question nothing.”

  “No, man,” said River. “Question everything. That’s the only way you learn.”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “But I think the more you learn, the less you’re likely to challenge, because you begin to realize just how everything works. You see the beauty in everything, even things that are brutal, like animals killing each other in the wild. You see the way it all works together.”

  “Yeah, but that’s different,” I said. “Because animals have to eat. But people don’t have to force other people to do things that they don’t want to do.”

  “No,” he said. “They don’t. That’s why that’s evil. Because it’s breaking away from the natural order of things.”

  I laughed. “It’s funny, because they always told us we were closer to nature. They said that was why we lived the way we did.” I turned to him. “I don’t know if I agree with your definition of evil.”

  He laughed. “Good. Don’t. Question everything.”

  “I think evil is hurting someone else on purpose. Knowing that what you’re going to do to them a is going to make things better for you and worse for them. And doing it anyway.”

  “Well, what about killing to eat? We were just talking about that. I mean, that’s the very definition of what you’re saying. Is that evil?”

  I sank my hands into my hair, and for a minute, I wished that my hair was still long. “Well, I used to be a vegetarian, but it wasn’t about animals, it was about being God’s chosen people.”

  “I don’t believe in God,” he said.

  “I don’t either,” I said.

  * * *

  Later, after the conversation with River wound down, I lay on my back next to the fire. My eyes were closed, and I could hear snatches of conversation around me. I heard the strings of a guitar, some song I didn’t recognize, and I felt the earth under my back.

  The air away from the fire was cold, so I stayed close.

  I didn’t go to sleep, but pictures began to move in my mind’s eye, almost like a dream. I didn’t seem to control them. They had a life of their own.

  I thought about River claiming that mushrooms could send someone on a vision quest, and I wondered if that was what was happening to me.

  I swam in the images and sensations, feeling at one with everything around me—closely connected to the fire and the dirt and the music and the stars. It was easy to feel as if we were, as River said, all part of the same big organism.

  In my vision, there was snow on the ground. It didn’t snow often in west Texas, but there would be occasional snow fall in the winter of a few inches. I was back in the community, and the entire place was covered in a white, sparkling blanket. It looked pristine and brilliant, but I knew that it only served to cover up all the corruption beneath the surface.

  I stood in front of the meeting hall, in the empty parking area. All around me, the landscape stretched out, white and unmarred.

  The door the meeting house opened, and Abby came out.

  She was beautiful. Her hair was down, flowing around her face, bouncing against her shoulders. She was wearing a white wedding dress.

  Her lips were stained dark red, and her eyes were ringed in coal-black lines. She looked terrible and beautiful and sad.

  She saw me, and she flung her arms out wide, stretching them out in either direction. She hung her head.

  Beads of red appeared in her palms.

  She floated into the air, and I realized she looked as if she was being crucified, as if Abigail London was back in the community, suffering for my sins, while I lay in the desert, tripping on mushrooms and contemplating the nature of evil.

  In the vision, I went to her.

  But she floated up, out of my reach, so that I couldn’t touch her.

  She peered down at me. Tears flowed out of her eyes, and they made black rivets down her cheeks because they smeared the black make-up around her eyes.

  I fell down on my knees, throwing my hands into the air. Forgive me, I said.

  She shook her head. You don’t need to be forgiven.

  I stared up at her, confused.

  Abby threw her head back, and her entire body exploded into snow.

  It felt onto me.

  Don’t forgive me. Rescue me.

  And I opened my eyes.

  The fire was burning down to embers, and the air had gotten quite cold.

  River crouched down next to me. “Jesse?”

  I sat up. “I think I might have had one.”

  “What?”

  I furrowed my brow. “A vision.”

  He chuckled, patting me on the back. “You should probably get some rest. You got a bed to get to?”

  I nodded. “Yeah… yeah, I guess I do.”

  * * *

  But, as it turned out, I didn’t.

  When I got back to Ephraim’s house, he was waiting for me. “Get your stuff and get out.”

  I was confused. The effects of the mushrooms had mostly worn off, but I still felt a little bit free and relaxed, and everything was still a tiny bit brighter than it was normally.

  Ephraim folded his arms over his chest. “Anthony told me that you’re doing drugs.”

  I peered around Ephraim to see Anthony sitting on one of the couches in the living room. He gave me a defiant look.

  I felt betrayed.

  I stepped around Ephraim to address Anthony. “You seriously did that, man? Why did you do that?”

  Ephraim stepped between us. “This isn’t his fault, Jesse. I let you know when you moved into this house that there were rules. No drugs. It’s a big deal for me.”

  I dragged a hand over my face. “Look, it was one time. And it wasn’t even bad. It was good. It made me see things about the world, understand things better. It made me feel closer to everything, to nature, to the universe. And I feel like I know what I need to be doing now. I feel like something… I don’t know what, maybe it was just something inside my own head, but something showed me what I’m meant to be doing. And it’s not chasing girls around and getting drunk, it’s—”

  “I don’t want to hear your druggy talk,” said Ephraim. “You’re fucked up right now, and what you’re saying doesn’t even make any sense.”

  “Ephraim, you drink beer all the time. How is it different?”

  “Beer is legal,” said Ephraim.

  “You let us drink beer, and we’re underage,” I pointed out. “That’s illegal.”

  “I’m not having an argument with you about this. This is my house, and I don’t want you here anymore. You need to get your stuff and get out now.”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “You won’t even let me stay here tonight?”

  “Jesse, you’re out of control. You lost your job, you’re doing drugs. You’re in a downward spiral. I told you when you came here that you’ve got to make boundaries for yourself, but you’re not making any boundaries. It seems like you’ll just do anything, no matter how destructive it is.”

  “I don’t know what I’m doing,” I said. “I’m trying to figure it out. But I can’t just not do something, because you said so. That’s been my whole life. All I’ve ever done is listen to what everyone else said. I’ve never thought for myself. And I have to. I can’t just pick up some other religion like you did, because it’s the same shit over and over again. Maybe it’s not as
bad as the Life, but it’s still some other fucking people telling you what to think and what you can and can’t do. I can’t do that.”

  “You don’t have to,” said Ephraim. “You can do whatever you want. But you can’t do it under my roof.”

  I sighed.

  “Get your stuff,” he said.

  I went back to my room and got my meager possessions together. I stuffed them all in a big garbage bag and started out into the hallway.

  Anthony was there.

  “I thought you were my friend,” I said.

  “You broke the rules, man,” he said.

  I set down the garbage bag and advanced on him. “Nothing’s changed for you, Anthony. You may be out of the community, but you’re not free of it.” I tapped his forehead. “Inside here, you’re just as tied down as you ever were.”

  He pushed me away. “You shouldn’t have done drugs. Ephraim lets us do everything except that.”

  “It’s not about drugs,” I said. “You know what your problem is, Anthony? You’re still trying to figure out what the rules are, and you’re still trying to follow them. You think that the new rules are to get drunk, have sex with random people, and stay away from drugs. You gotta realize that now that we’re out, there are no rules.”

  “You fucked up, man.”

  “And now you’re kicking me out. And I bet none of you guys will even speak to me, right?”

  Ephraim appeared at the end of the hallway. “You get yourself cleaned up, and we’ll see. But I’d say you need to stay away for at least a few weeks.”

  “Right,” I said. “This is no different than the Life. I broke the rules, and now I gotta leave. Fuck you both.” I picked up my garbage bag of clothes and stormed out of the house.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Jesse

  I spent that night huddled in the back of my truck, trying to stay warm. The mushrooms gave me strange dreams. I dreamed about the community and about Ephraim. I dreamed about my father. I dreamed about Erin, about the way her body had felt beneath mine. I dreamed about the warmth of the fire, but woke up to find myself freezing and alone.

  The next morning, I went into a gas station and did my best to get myself cleaned up before I went looking for a job.

  I didn’t have much luck, though I pounded the pavement for the entire day. I filled out applications at a few places, but the fact that I didn’t have an address anymore was a problem. At least I had a cell phone, so there was some way that they could contact me.

  I spent another night freezing in the truck.

  I had enough money that I could have sprung for a hotel room, but if I did that, I’d be out of money quick, and I decided it was better to buy food than lodging.

  I spent the next day looking for jobs.

  By noon that day, I was pretty sure that I’d exhausted all the places that I could go to. Between my job search when I’d first arrived in Lebenet and what I’d done the past two days, I was pretty sure I’d been rejected by nearly every place of employment that I was eligible for.

  I waited by the phone, hoping that I’d get a call from the applications I’d sent out the night before.

  But as the sun sank over the horizon, and I began my third night sleeping in my vehicle, I began to despair that it would happen at all.

  All my fine words to Ephraim and Anthony had felt pretty good when I was saying them, but now I just felt like an idiot. I’d thrown away a place to live over having a new experience—broadening my horizons. At the time, it had seemed vital that I try everything and discover new things.

  Well, I was discovering new things now, all right. I was discovering homelessness.

  I was so stupid. I should never have challenged Ephraim. I should have just towed the line and done what was expected of me. Ephraim would probably have helped me find another job. And I’d be warm now, safe in a bed, instead of wrapped in blankets in the back of a truck.

  Right after the mushroom trip, I’d been certain that I’d had a vision telling me to go back and get Abby out of the community.

  But now, I was homeless. I had no job, and I was running out of money fast. I couldn’t bring her here to this life.

  Still, as I fell asleep that night, my thought returned to my vision of her. I couldn’t be sure if it meant anything. Maybe it was just a trick of my brain. But if it did, then I thought she needed me.

  I curled up in a ball, wishing that I hadn’t fucked up so badly, wishing that I had something to offer her.

  * * *

  Abby

  I tried to get to Susannah’s house before her wedding, but I couldn’t manage to get out of the house. Sally kept me busy watching her children. I went to Bob to see if he’d let me go, but he said no. He hadn’t been pleased with me since I’d told him that I didn’t want to put his penis in my mouth.

  Within two days, Susannah was married to Gideon, and I hadn’t had a chance to talk to her.

  I figured she’d have a couple days off from teaching, because of the wedding, so I didn’t expect her at the school.

  But when she didn’t come in for three days, I began to wonder what was wrong.

  I knew that I was supposed to go straight back home after teaching, because there was always something to be done at Bob’s house. If I wasn’t watching the children or cleaning or cooking, I’d be sent out in the fields to help with weeding or watering the crops. But I was worried about Susannah, and I knew that if I asked permission to go see her, I’d be denied.

  So, after school, instead of walking back home, I walked to Gideon’s house, where I assumed Susannah would be.

  I felt nervous, because I hadn’t been invited, and because I didn’t know Gideon very well. If he was home, I didn’t know if he’d let me in or not.

  I got lucky, though, because Susannah answered the door.

  I hugged her. “I’m sorry I never made it before the wedding.”

  She didn’t hug me back, but she didn’t stop me from hugging her either.

  I pulled back to really look at her. She gazed at me with listless eyes.

  “Susannah?” I said. “Are you okay?”

  She looked down at the floor. “I’m fine.”

  “Is Gideon here? Can I come in?”

  She swung the door open, stepping out of the way to let me by. But there was no change in her expression. She didn’t seem glad to let me in. She didn’t seem to want to stop me either.

  We went into the kitchen of the house, and she sat down at the table. “Gideon and Martha aren’t home, but they’ll be back soon.”

  I reached for her hand. “Susannah, what happened?”

  She didn’t stop me from holding her hand. “Well, I got married.”

  “Something’s wrong. Tell me what’s wrong. Why haven’t you come back to teach at the school?”

  She looked blankly down at the table. “Gideon says a wife’s place is in the home.”

  “So, you’re not coming back? I won’t see you anymore?”

  “We’ll see each other when it’s appropriate. At meetings.”

  Something was very wrong with Susannah. She was my best friend, and she was usually bubbly and outgoing, talkative and alive. Sitting here with her, it seemed almost as if her spirit had been burned right out of her.

  But then I remembered my first conversation with Susannah after I’d married Bob, how she’d wanted to talk and ask me questions, and I’d just wanted to run from all of it.

  I bit down on my lip. “I’m sorry this had to happen to you too.”

  She raised her gaze to meet mine, and there was pain in her eyes.

  I could see that she wanted to bury that. I understood. I hugged her again.

  This time she wrapped her arms tight around me.

  We sat there in her kitchen, holding each other close, both struggling not to cry.

  Crying didn’t make any difference.

  * * *

  Jesse

  The woman eyed me skeptically. “What do you know about women’s clothing
?”

  “Well, not a lot,” I said. “But I can learn fast, and I’m a really hard worker. I think if you gave me a chance, you wouldn’t be sorry.”

  She shrugged. “Well, I’ll take your application.”

  I handed it over.

  “We’ll be in touch.”

  Yeah, right. I was still no closer to finding a job, and now I was going everywhere I could possibly think of, even into women’s clothing stores. I knew that I didn’t look clean anymore. It had been a while since I’d had a decent shower. Still, I made sure to shave and wash up best I could in public restrooms. I wasn’t making the best impression, though, and I knew it.

  I left the store, out into the afternoon sun. It was warm outside now, but it would be cold again that night. My money was dwindling, and I’d be freezing my ass off tonight. I didn’t know how much longer I’d be able to hold on.

  I crossed the parking lot to my truck, feeling despair. Everything was ruined, and I had no one to blame except myself.

  “Jesse!”

  I looked up and was surprised to see River getting out of a truck. He waved.

  I waved back. It was nice to see a friendly face. Even though River had sold me the mushrooms that had sent my life into a tailspin, I still felt like he was a pretty good guy. Or maybe that was just something leftover from the way the mushrooms had made me feel. Maybe I’d lost my mind.

  He wandered over. “What are you doing here?”

  “Looking for a job, actually,” I said.

  “Here?”

  I laughed. “Well, I’m starting to get desperate.”

  He surveyed me. “What’s your story, Jesse Wallace? When we were talking, you were saying some interesting things about the things you used to believe.”

  I shoved my hands into my pockets. “I, uh, come from the community in Maranatha. I don’t know if you know about it. People call it a cult. They say we’re—”

  “Jesus hippies.” He grinned. “Right? You were one of the Jesus hippies?”

  “I guess,” I said. “Although, I don’t even really know what that means.”

  “Is it true that they’re all polygamous? Like they have a bunch of wives?”

  “It’s true,” I said.

  He pointed. “And you? Did you leave several sobbing women in your wake?”