by P. S. Power
It was handy.
They talked for a while longer, the woman finally relaxing, especially when he covered the whole fiasco with Amy. It seemed to reassure her for some reason. Possibly because no one would lie about being as lame and silly as he was. She shook his hand on the way out and asked if he had a card. He did, having gotten some a week prior, it was Joanie's late Christmas present to him. It had his name in black on a bone white card, with two phone numbers under it. One was to his new cell, the one that Bill Banister had suggested Mercy get him, so that they could call him no matter where he was. They weren't allowed during class, but he kept it on just in case, set to vibrate. No one had called while he was at school so far.
It took a bit to get them out the door, but the woman seemed much reassured by the time she left, which seemed to make Warren happy. At the door the Representative turned and shook hands again, which Josh hated, but it was a thing people did. Really it only bugged him right now, feeling down made everything kind of annoying. He didn't let that show on his face.
“I'll send the funds over directly. I didn't realize just how involved this situation would be.”
“They don't come much bigger without police involvement. We... need to avoid that I think. I'm not certain things would go well if that were to happen.” Josh spoke quietly, but it was true. Some of the guys were young enough to ruin all their lives for trying to cover it up. Legal? Maybe. He had a feeling that there might be some guys out there that hadn't been when Laura got a hold of them. Like the crop of boyfriends from the year before? Before that even?
Warren just made a disgusted face and walked away.
The whole thing was sorted enough to make national headlines. Really it should be enough to keep Bill out of politics, but, of course, he hadn't done anything wrong. Kind of a sucky situation all the way around.
Sitting at the table, not wanting to bother moving, Josh made himself finish the day's homework. It was harder now than before, but he filled it out and turned it in anyway. Letting his grades drop wouldn't help anything. Then he sat and read the last entry in the notebook. Black.
Or, more to the point, he re-read all of it, trying to distract himself. People had filled in some new information. Red was concerned for her best friend, who she thought was acting very strange. That was Sarah. Green, Marcus, was worried about Tammy, who he'd just started dating. That was news. Apparently she was pulling away from him already. Yellow shared that they had been trying to stop drinking, because they loved someone that deserved better than that and were worried that they'd already hurt them too much for anything to ever work. Orange was freaking out because he didn't think he'd get the role he wanted in the next play. Josh had tried out, but didn't think he'd be called back either. It was a play he'd never heard of about drunks. He'd seen Craig's audition, the guy had played the role so over the top it really wasn't likely that there would be a good part for him. Marcus had nailed it. So had Steve Miller. Well, he could vie for stage manager or something. Lots of things needed to get done. Props and stuff. Important things that no one wanted to do, but that made the show as much as any given actor.
Black though...
It was scary.
Really frightening.
At first he thought that it was a joke. The very first line, after, I am Black, was...
And I'm going to kill myself.
Something had happened she said and it was clearly a girl, since she talked about a boy through most of the three pages she wrote.
I gave him a bj and then couldn't take it, it was just too much like before, I just couldn't... but he wouldn't leave me alone after. I tried ignoring him, but he kept talking to me, each time I felt worse and worse. Now I feel like he watches me all the time, he calls all the time, talking to my parents. I told him that I didn't want to see him, but he says he's in love with me... I can't think of anything else to do.
I even met a new guy that's really nice and not a creepy stalker, but there's just too much. Too much at home with my parents and too much at school. I just want out. It's not worth trying anymore.
It had to be Amy, didn't it? There was just too much in there that fit. Even the new guy, Brian. They used to be in football together, in middle school, he really was a nice guy. Josh hadn't thought he'd been being a stalker though. He worked with her parents, sort of, but he didn't ask about her and no one shared anything. Leaving her privacy intact. Still, if it was a serious threat, he had to do something about it. Tell someone, get her help. He... could make sure he never talked to her again. That was fine.
As long as she didn't hurt herself.
What could he do though? If he contacted her directly it might just scare her or make it worse... Or...
No.
That was a cop out. He didn't want to talk to her about it because she already had someone else and he'd never really been anything to her. But that didn't mean he could chicken out. Josh read the thing twice more. It was so clear. It hurt just to look at it. To be that unwanted... That didn't matter though. It wasn't about him.
Not now.
It never should have been.
God. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed Amy's emergency number, then wondered if it had been changed. After three rings she answered, sounding tired. It hadn't even occurred to him, but she might have company too. Gah. Well, that didn't matter, did it? In fact, it was fine if she did. A good thing. No one would kill themselves in front of their new boyfriend. Brian wouldn't let her if nothing else. He nodded to himself.
“Um, hi, Amy? This is Josh. I... know that my calling may not be welcome, but, um, this entry in the Crayons notebook. I'm really concerned and I was wondering if we could talk about it? I don't want to dredge anything up, but-” the words froze in his mouth, his throat tight, almost too far gone to breath.
A deep inhalation came from the ear piece. Then a sigh. A shuddering thing that sounded all kinds of worried.
“OK. I guess we have to do this, don't we? I wanted to talk to you anyway. Can I come over right now?”
“Um, sure, or I could come there or anything else you want.” Anything, including killing himself if that was needed to make her feel better. He didn't say that though. Josh didn't want to make her scared after all. But if it came to it, if nothing else would work, he'd do it. That day if need be. How... he didn't know, but Josh wouldn't leave her afraid of him.
“Be right there.”
Then she hung up abruptly. He never hung up on people without saying goodbye, but it seemed like people were always doing that to him now. Josh wondered, looking at the clock, which had just hit six, if she'd really be coming over at all. That started him worrying, after all, if she was just going to kill herself anyway, she could be doing it right then. He watched the clock nervously, knowing that a careful trip would take twenty minutes or so. Longer if it took a few minutes to get to the car. There was no snow and the roads were even dry, though it was cold again. Vancouver Washington cold though, which meant about forty degrees for this time of year. Hardly world ending. At fifteen after six a soft knock came at the door. It was fast, so either she'd sped or been closer when she started. Or it was someone else.
With a slight sense of dread Josh opened it slowly, nervous and wondering who all would be there, ready to take any accusations of him being a bad person he had to, if it would make the whole thing right again.
Amy stood alone, smiling at him nervously, her hands clutched together in front of her.
“Um, come in please? If that's alright, I don't...”
She rushed him, her arms flying around his neck and kissed him hard. He tensed and then blinked. That... wasn't what he'd expected at all.
“I'm so sorry I was such a bitch. I was really stupid and should have handled things better, can you forgive me ever?” She stood back and looked scared again.
“Um, sure, just don't hurt yourself and I'll do whatever you want. I mean I'll stop calling your parents or whatever you need. I'm OK with you seeing Brian. I mean I'm
not OK with it, but that shouldn't stop you two from being happy.”
She looked at him perplexed and shook her head.
“OK... Sorry let's start again, and um, inside?” She walked past him, snagging his left arm and shutting the door behind her.
“Now, let's see, hurt myself? No... I'm not going to hurt anyone, especially myself. For the other stuff... As odd as it seems you're the only thing really holding my family together at all, so, please keep calling. And I'm not “seeing” Brian. We used to date last year and I had to make sure he wouldn't tell anyone about sleeping with my mom. He promised. OK, he did make a move or two on me, but he backed off when I said we were dating. He actually thinks of you as a friend you know. I didn't even know you two knew each other.”
“We're dating? Oh good, I'll just make sure I check myself into that hospital after you leave, the loony bin? Pretty sure I... Well if we've been dating I'm doing it incredibly wrong.” He crossed his arms and moved to the dining room table, then slid the notebook to her, open to the last entry. Josh couldn't say the words.
She shook her head.
“I'm... not Black. I didn't even read that far...”
She took a few minutes to look at it and then nodded, her face tight.
“God... No... that's not me. I can see the similarity from a certain perspective, a really hurt and slightly messed up one, by the way, but I really love you and only took off after that time because I thought I heard Bill coming. No, the facts don't match... Not for that. I'm not Black...” She took a deep breath and opened the book carefully to an earlier section, sliding it in front of him.
“I'm... Yellow.”
Oh.
It flashed in front of him. Everything. The bottle the bartender brought her, after Josh had made all the booze go away. How she felt really bad for days after that. And before it. Her down mood for weeks. While her body adjusted to not having anything? Then...
Josh was the one she was trying to stop drinking for? He deserved better? Him?
“I... see. Um. I really love you. This probably isn't the time or place to tell you, but since I was willing to kill myself if I had to for you not to need to die, I guess it's as good a time as any.”
“Don't do that! I love you too. I really, really do. I won't send you away, not ever. Not again. I was just being... well a drunk. And moody. It happens when you kick a habit like that. It will still probably happen sometimes, so, sorry in advance. I was drinking almost every night. Usually before bed, so I could sleep. A lot though. OK, I had issues, and still do, with mom and all that, but...” She looked at him and smiled softly.
“That's why, that night at the party? The first one you came to? I had a bottle in the bed with me. I didn't turn on the lights so that you wouldn't know. Peppermint Schnapps. You had to have tasted it on my breath. It's pretty strong.”
He'd just though it was peppermint candies. Really strong ones. Breath mints maybe.
“OK. Um, right now, what I want to do involves anything you're willing to do with me, locked in my bedroom until my mom gets home, which could be hours and hours from now given her schedule...” He smiled at her and she smiled back.
“Alright... Anything you want. I love you so much. What would you like...” She grinned and looked down, a little devilish look to her eyes.
Josh let his face go serious.
“That's what I want. What I have to do is find whoever Black is, since it isn't you, which is a good thing... but, they need help too. Maybe. If it wasn't just a bad prank. If it is I swear I'm never talking to whoever it is again.”
Amy nodded and exhaled sharply.
“Alright. We need to find out who it is, can you tell from the writing? Or no, you thought it was me. Only one person really knows for sure who we all are.” She stood up, looking at the wall dramatically. She was good at that. It was a practiced thing.
“Brown.” Then she plopped down into the dining room chair. “Only we don't know who that is at all...”
Her tone was defeated.
Josh snorted. It was well done too. Practiced.
“What? Of course we know who Brown is. That's just obvious. Either that or I'm extra smart suddenly. If so we can claim it's the power of love. If that's not too corny.”
Holding her left thumb and forefinger about an inch apart she made a face, “a little corny, let's go with the intelligent idea for now. Work our way up to the other if we need to.” She stood again and so did he.
Then Josh walked around the table and hugged her. She felt so good in his arms it nearly hurt, familiar, but new at the same time. After a second she kissed him and then stood back.
“So who is it? Brown?”
“Oh, the same person it always is, probably.” Josh looked at her and tilted his head. She looked wonderful. It all ached inside again for a few seconds then he shook himself and remembered to talk.
“Mrs. Kincaid.”
Chapter sixteen
“What?” Amy said, regarding him with a look that said he must be on crack.
Josh took a breath and laid it out for her.
“It's a continuity issue. Who else could pass something around the drama department year after year like that? There's only one person that's around, the teacher. Otherwise it would probably have died after the first few years. Joanie mentioned it being a thing back when she was in school, so as long as fourteen years ago. Also, almost everyone in the book has problems. Some of them are pretty well hidden, but Crayons gives her a chance to find out about what's going on with people, when it wouldn't be normal for them to just tell her. Finally, she always wears brown of some sort. It's her favorite color I think. That's a bit of an odd one. Most people pick blue or red, then black and possibly green. Brown has to come in just before orange on the popularity scale. It's a definite signature.”
He held the girl in front of him again, for no reason other than that he could and it felt nice. She smelled so good, like flowers and a tickle of sunlight. She sparked to his mind, in gold and green. Josh didn't know why, but he'd always seen her like that, in his head. It was either just the effect of the brain chemicals that made him love her or a tumor. He smiled. If so he didn't want anyone to take it out. It was too perfect.
“Besides, I have nothing else. The only other thing I can think of is to call up every girl in the drama department and ask. She might lie though. People do that sometimes when they feel pressed.” He shrugged not meaning anything in particular by it, just a statement of fact, but Amy winced.
“Ah, well... Sorry about that. Lying to you before about not being in the book. I didn't want to, but I was ashamed. It's funny, anyone else and I would have just said that I drank a little sometimes, played it off, but with you... When it came down to it I just didn't want you to know. Can you forgive me?” She held her body tight against his and kissed him, which was distracting. Placating.
He raised an eyebrow at her.
“Uh hmmm? I can, but don't do that. Try to distract me like that. And don't lie to me anymore. I'd rather know the truth. I love you no matter what, even if you aren't able to walk on water or fly. Though both of those would be pretty cool, if you've been holding out on me. Or reading minds.” He teased a bit, giving her a hard look as if she might know what he was thinking, deflecting from the hard conversation himself, but it got a soft sound that could have been a breathy chuckle.
“Nope. I can barely swim at all most days, much less walk on water.”
Going still for a minute he thought, not about swimming, which wasn't a real issue, he could do that well enough. No, Josh wondered how to find a school teacher at seven in the evening, at home. He didn't have a clue.
But he knew who might. Going to the phone he started to pick it up and dial, only to realize he still had Amy's hand in his. He grinned, not wanting to let go ever.
It was so inappropriate, that feeling, when he should be near panic over poor Black. It just wasn't something he could help at all. Still, he also couldn't let a girl die or
even suffer alone just because he felt better himself.
“OK, I'm letting go now, of your hand, but I reserve the right to take it up again later...”
Amy nodded seriously, “always. I was stupid, I won't do it again. I won't risk you like that.”
A wave of fear washed over him as she spoke. It was intense and hard, digging at his middle even as the rest of him tingled from her touch still. Everybody left in the end. Didn't they? They were just high school kids and even if everything went well, the world would probably separate them sooner or later. Probably sooner. Sighing he let go. If that came, when it came, he'd deal again. Hopefully better. Letting go had to be part of life too, didn't it?
The messy part he didn't like, but everything had risks involved. Even doing nothing meant risking being alone forever, didn't it?
Picking up the phone he dialed without hesitation, the number burned into his mind from long practice.
“Mercy Harding's office. How may I help you?”
Joanie.
“Hey wonderful. This is Josh. I need some help.” He wanted to rush into the reason why, but that would just confuse things. Instead he waited as Amy gave him a funny look. After a second he recognized it as jealousy. He stuck his tongue out at her and winked. Then covered the mouthpiece on the white handset with his left hand.
“Joanie.” He whispered emphatically.
“Oh...” That... didn't seem to reassure her much. Apparently she'd read his entry into the notebook then? Just not the one after that? She crossed her arms and looked down at the dress she wore. It was nice, a kind of old fashioned style, but made of a shiny fabric with swirls all over it. She had a heavy sweater over the top. A button up one. It was soft and thinking about that distracted him for a second. Josh came back to himself to hear Joanie say “anything.”
