by P. S. Power
“I need a teacher's phone number. Let me shorthand this here... Um, the Crayons notebook? Last entry says a girl is planning to kill herself. I think Kincaid organizes the whole thing. If not she still might still be able to help.”
“Carolyn Kincaid? Got it, let me see what I can dig up here. I'll call you back ASAP.”
Then she hung up.
He hung up the phone, blinking. Of course Mrs. Kincaid had a first name. He'd even heard it before. Somewhere. It didn't surprise him that Joanie knew it off the top of her head. Not too much. She was a drama geek from way back and had gone to Shilo too.
“She's going to call back when she gets something. Would you like-” he almost offered her something to drink, but that would sound a little funny, given everything, before he could change to something more specific, some juice or coffee Amy nodded.
“To sit and hold you until she calls back? That sounds nice.”
It was. Cozy and warm.
When the phone rang he picked it up on the first ring, having taken the handset with him. It was about half an hour later.
“Harding residence, Josh speaking, how may I help you?” It was just automatic to say the words, it made the place sound like a business office, but half the time it was, so that kind of managed to work pretty well.
“Josh? This is Carolyn Kincaid... Joanne Ridley called and said there was something in the notebook?” She didn't sound half as baffled as she would have if she didn't know about it he decided instantly.
“Yeah, did you read the entry for Black?”
“No... I normally just move it around and let people work out their issues, the temptation to meddle is too strong otherwise... It's not good I take it?” No denial in her voice, or even a question as to how she'd been figured out.
“No, it's not. Granted it could just be someone being dramatic, it's kind of the group mindset after all, but... Well, whoever wrote it said they were planning to kill themselves. Over stupid shit too. Sorry about the language, but... Yeah, we need to get on this.”
The line went silent.
“Alright. I can handle it from here. I... don't... think I should disclose the name. It's... well the idea is that everything is written in confidence.” She sounded a bit perplexed. Lost.
“There's no privilege of confidentiality here though. When we write in a book and pass it around, we can't reasonably expect those words to be held for us, no matter what we want to believe. Right now it's more important that we save her from herself than make her feel safe and protected. I... won't ask for specifics, not from you, but keep us informed in abstract?”
There was a considering sound from the phone, and he could imagine her tapping her lips in thought. Finally she said something unexpected.
“Us? You and Joanne?” The words were flat, as if she suspected something strange might be going on there. Of course if Joanne was anything back in high school like she was now, Mrs. Kincaid might have a reason to worry. That or she really had read the book too. At least his part.
“As in me and Amy Corbie, who's here with me, I'll keep Joanie in the loop. Again, just so we know that things are alright. I'll let you go either way though. Me chattering at you is a waste of time right now. We'll try to cover this from our end too, just in case.”
She didn't ask what that meant, which was good. He didn't know yet. Not at all.
But he wasn't just trusting it to the adults. This was too important to just leave to other people.
She got off the phone, after actually saying goodbye, which almost made him jump. It had been a while since someone was cordial to him. He dealt with a lot of anxious and angry people he realized.
Now...
What could they do? He opened the notebook and grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen.
“Alright, love of mine, let's break this open. Regular school kids don't rate the magic phone list, but we know these people. Let's see if any of them can tell us anything useful? So Red...”
They started with a list.
Red: Sarah Teasdale
Orange: Craig Walker
Yellow: Amy Corbie
Green: Marcus Berman
Blue: Darren Jones?
Purple: Josh Harding
Black:
“So we start at the beginning? See if anyone else knows anything we don't?”
Sarah was the easiest person anyway, Amy grabbed the phone and dialed without hesitation. They were close and called each other all the time.
Jealous making close. Maybe. He hadn't asked and didn't plan to. If Amy wanted him to know about her ex's she'd mention it.
She spoke quickly.
“Right, so you didn't read it? Stopped at your own? Selfish little thing aren't you?” She chuckled a little and smiled at Josh, making direct eye contact. She hadn't read it either after all had she?
“Yes, I still love you... Um, no, I'm seeing Josh now. As in officially and everything.”
A squeal and rapid, excited speech came from the phone. Amy listened for a moment and then nodded into the handset.
“Yeah, he called, worried about me and I decided to take your advice and stop being stupid.”
Sarah didn't know who Black was, but she was a cheerleader. Josh didn't get it at first, but what that meant was that she did have access to all the student phone numbers, the master list, in case it came up for needed activities or an emergency. If trying to save a life didn't count...
Then the administration needed to rethink their policy, didn't they? Well, if it was breaking the rules they could punish him for it later.
That got them the other numbers on the list in about ten minutes. Sarah was a sweet enough girl but not the sharpest crayon in the box. It took her a lot longer to do simple tasks than it should, because she'd get side tracked into more amusing things. Amy just nodded along, agreeing with her for the most part and reminding her gently to keep getting the next name's information.
Then the girl wanted to chat. Mainly about him, as if Josh were possibly important to the moment. He just called the next number down and asked for Craig. The boy tried to lie about being Orange, but broke as soon as he mentioned the Black entry.
“What? That's real?” He sounded pissy and a bit effeminate, it was grating. They always worked together pretty well, but there was a very strong sense that the guy didn't like Josh much. Why? He didn't know, it had always been like that, since middle school. Just one of those things.
Craig didn't know anything useful though. They spoke for about five more minutes, with no real results, and Craig trying to make the whole thing about him somehow. Josh...
Got it. Isn't that what he'd done too? Thinking Amy was Black and that his own situation fit perfectly? There was some superficial cross-over but thinking that was really just being self-important. Amy called Darren while waiting for him to finish up. The joys of having more than one phone.
She, apparently, had results.
“OK... you think it's Tammy Lincoln? You know it? Oh... yes, I read it... OK. We could use the number... Probably best if you don't call given everything. I see... Thanks.” She hung up, still writing quickly.
Her breathing was a little fast.
“Darren... He said that Black is Tammy and that he... kind of insisted she do stuff with him. I think he means date rape, but I wasn't about to accuse him on the phone, we can let other people deal with that. I have Tammy's number though. I...” Her voice went small, a little weak and helpless.
“Could you call her?”
Really he didn't want to, but he also didn't want to either seem like a wimp or let the girl down. Sure, they weren't close, Tammy and him, but that didn't mean he was going to push her away when she needed help. On the good side, if she ended up hating him over all this, it wouldn't affect his life much at all. Really, he hoped the girl had just been writing her feelings out and that the whole thing was nothing. Still, he nodded to his girlfriend... and thrilled a bit, remembering that she was his girlfriend.
He wasn't e
xactly sure how that had happened at all.
“Right, the number please?” Josh took a deep breath, not knowing what to say at all. Then he dialed slowly, carefully. He noticed that Amy crossed her sevens. There were two of them. It was cute. Everything she did was.
The phone picked up almost immediately and a deep and angry male voice picked up.
“She said she doesn't want to talk to you, you stupid little twerp. Don't make me get a restraining order. If it wasn't for the law, I'd come and shoot you right now!”
Josh took a second and a breath, before speaking, trying to sound calm.
“This is... Josh Harding. Is this the Lincoln residence?”
“Oh... sorry, having some problems with a kid calling for my daughter at all hours. Yeah, this is the right place, can I do something for you?”
He nearly froze, but thankfully he was used to thinking on the fly and simply told the truth. Mainly.
“Yes, I hope so. I kind of need to talk to Tammy. It's about a school project? For drama class. Is she available right now?”
“Um, she's not in, no. Taking a walk. She does that. Probably out on the bridge, she likes the water at night. Do you want me to have her call when she gets back in?”
Josh left the number quickly and repeated it to make sure it was copied down correctly.
“Oh, say, just out of curiosity, which bridge?”
“What? Oh, um, the big green one? I-5?” The man said as if not thinking about the fact that Josh was just some guy he'd never met before. Telling him where to find his teenage daughter at night. Kind of brilliant, considering she had a stalker, but Josh didn't complain, it worked for him at the moment.
“Ah, that would be a good one alright.” It was too, right over the water. He'd walked it a few times himself, though never at night.
Amy looked at him, eyes wide as he got off the phone, having figured out what it all meant rather well it seemed. Not bad for having only half the conversation.
“Want to take a walk on a bridge? It's a lovely night for it. If you're a suicidal teen girl at least. All that black water calling to you with the moon reflecting off of it overhead. Dramatic. Poignant.” Cold. He grabbed his jacket, not sure how he was going to get there. It was probably nothing, but if he didn't check and she hurt herself, that would be on him.
He could take the distance at a run, it was only about two miles away, but Amy pulled out her keys.
“Into the Beast. Let's go.” She sounded very capable suddenly. Confident. It was acting, but she sold the role pretty well.
They drove quickly, with only a little searching for a place to park at the end, since they needed to find the foot path. The bridge was long and had two lanes, really two divided bridges in one, each with a walking path on the outside and no connection between them. It was too dark to see anyone at all. But even over the traffic noise they could hear a voice. Singing. It was pretty, but soft. Amy pointed ahead of them and started off at a slow jog. It was easy to keep up and she moved into a quick walk about a minute later, slightly out of breath.
“There.”
The girl sat on the railing over the water, hands on metal, as if waiting for something. Possibly the courage to jump. She sang, softly, an eerie and familiar tune.
“Is that... the theme from MASH? Kind of an old show to be singing the lyrics to. I didn't know it had words at all. For that matter I wouldn't even recognize it, except there was an all-day marathon on for it in the summer. I didn't have a lot to do.” Josh kept walking but Amy gasped out an answer next to him.
“It's called “Suicide is Painless”.” She started to sing a little. That she knew the words got a sidelong glance, but she didn't look back at him. They were... pointed.
All about suicide.
“I... we can talk about it later. Just remember, no matter what happens here, I love you.” He spoke softly as they made their approach. Tammy looked over her shoulder and tensed when she saw people. Then she started suddenly when she got who it was.
“Hello Tammy.” Josh made the words gentle, but not patronizing. He didn't want to tick her off right now. Not at all.
“Josh... Amy. This isn't... I just come here, it's not... what it looks like at all.”
Her voice was so dismal it made him want to cry. Josh shook his head.
“I'm not judging. I've thought about doing it too. More than once. Recently even. But you have a lot to live for. And things will get better now. No one will hurt you and you know, you're loved. Even if you don't feel it yet. Plus you have friends.”
The girl looked out at the water and shook her head, “not really. I go home alone and then come here alone. The only people that talk to me are guys, and they only want sex. If I don't want to give it to them they make me feel guilty until I do it. I'm just the school slut after all, aren't I?” A tear slid down her face.
Amy didn't speak, looking worried, hands clasped in front of her, wringing them more than a little. Josh took a slow step forward.
“Not that I've ever heard... but you also have real friends. For instance, people willing to come out on a chilly night on the off chance you might need someone to talk to?” He gestured to himself and then Amy, smiling a little. Trying to look hopeful. “Granted, I haven't made enough effort to be close to you, but that doesn't mean we're not friends. I just suck at letting people get close. That's isolated me. Not your fault. Not at all. Just something for me to fix.”
The girl looked out at the water and sighed softly.
“Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it if I please.” She spoke the words in a singsong tone, not looking at him.
Reaching out he touched her shoulder gently, trying to be gentle enough she wouldn't struggle away. He had a good enough hold that she wasn't going into the water easily at least. Even then she wouldn't be going without him. Josh moved closer to her.
“That may be true, but I'm pretty sure the drowning part sucks. Besides, trust me, if you died I'd feel pain and I don't deserve it. We can punish the people that hurt you other ways.”
The girl let go of the rail with her right hand and started to teeter toward the water. That got her pulled backwards into him, which made her stiffen at first as she leaned against him, but after a few seconds she relaxed, not going limp, but just letting him hold her up.
“They didn't hurt me, or force me to do anything. I could have said no. I just... I wanted to be loved. I thought that, if I did what they wanted, that someone would.” She cried a bit more and let go of the railing hands at her chest, leaning back into him fully, a committed and trusting movement. That got her pulled all the way onto the walkway. The nice, sturdy concrete place with a whole railing to protect her from falling. Regardless of what it did for Tammy, it sure made Josh feel better.
Then he wrapped his arms around her tightly. Amy stood for a second, as if not sure what to do, but finally she hugged the other girl too.
“Don't worry, you will be loved. You already are, even if you don't know it yet.” The words were soft and heartfelt coming from his lips. Oh, he couldn't back them up at all, but if lying would keep her alive, he'd tell her whatever she needed to hear.
Amy spoke softly, her breath warm on their skin, face between theirs.
“That's right. You really are. Don't forget that. It makes doing the next thing a lot easier. No matter how hard it is... Knowing that somewhere in the world, someone loves you, no matter what.”
They just stood there for a long time. Holding each other until finally, the tears stopped falling.
Then they walked back to the car.
Chapter seventeen
After that Josh and Amy spent a lot of time with Tammy. A few people even joked that she was their shared girlfriend. Jealous people. No one was mean about it though.
If they didn't hang out in the evenings talking at the apartment, they chatted on the phone. Things were rough still and Tammy had to go to counseling three times a week, because Mrs. Kincaid had
been on the phone with Tammy's parents about the time that Josh and Amy were talking to her on the bridge, but she had friends now. Real ones that cared for her all the time. Sarah Teasdale had stepped up too, making a point of sitting with the girl at lunch, which meant half the cheerleaders followed along. Even Craig did his part, trying to be nice when they met and making sure that no one said anything too negative about the girl. Craig wouldn't fight, but he had catty backbiting down to an art. No one wanted to tick him off that way. It worked.
It was tiring and ate up a lot of time, but he got to spend most of it with Amy, even if he did have to share her. Her parents were doing better at least. It wasn't perfect, but Laura had actually managed a few months without cheating. The psychologist had told her it was a real sexual addiction, which probably stemmed from her early sexual abuse. Tammy had a similar problem, her uncle had molested her when she was little. A lot. It had messed up her relationships with everyone in her life, so she fought for love constantly, trying to buy it with sex.
It was a strategy.
Not a good one, or one that left her feeling complete, but something to do. Josh just tried to be there for her and let her know that he was her friend without asking for anything. Did it help? That, he couldn't tell. She seemed happier, but that could just be the drugs kicking in. The anti-depressants.
Josh eventually managed to get Bill Banister together with Warren Jeffreys and they didn't have a fist fight, so that worked well enough. They were even reconciled, on the condition that Warren didn't sleep with any of Bill's family again.
It wasn't hard to manage since Samantha didn't talk to him anymore. Warren that was. She called Josh about once a week. Just to talk about her life and how things were going. It was a bit strange, but not a bad thing. It helped her stay connected he guessed. He knew more about her family than a lot of them did after all.
It reminded him to stay in touch with his own family. It took some doing but he made a point of having dinner with his dad about once a week, normally dragging poor Amy along with him and once or twice Tammy too. His family, but it gave him an excuse not to suffer alone. On the good side it got Tammy a job at the fabric store with Kris. So things were looking up in some ways.
