Finding Grace: A Novel

by Sarah Pawley

  She remembered how their father had raged about the insult. How he had cursed Jack, saying he never wanted to see his face again. She remembered crying endlessly in her pillow, having lost the most important person in her life.

  Grace looked at him now. Not the young man, full of rebellion, that she’d idolized as a child. But a fully grown man. A husband, and soon to be a father. He was in full control now, his life all his own and in the hands of no one else. That determination showed in his eyes as he turned to look at her. He came to stand just before her bedside with his arms folded.

  "If you want him here, that's your decision, and I won't keep you from it. But don't expect me to stick my hand in the fire again. I've been burned enough, and I don't need no more reminders of how much it hurts."

  Calmly, he turned and walked away. As he left, Alice appeared in the doorway. He kissed her cheek as he passed by her, and gave her tummy a gentle touch. Then he was gone.

  "Is everything all right?" Alice asked, coming to the bed.

  Grace shrugged."We'll know soon enough.” She cast her eyes down for a moment. Then she looked up, into Alice's eyes. "Mama and Daddy are coming. Henry is bringing them to me. But I'm so worried about what might happen, not so much with me, but with you and Jack. And the baby. I'm worried that if something bad happens, you might get sick or something."

  Alice smiled and shook her head. "I'll be fine. We both will be. This needs to happen, and better now than decades from now, when one or both of your folks are gone, and Jack is sitting around wondering what might have been."

  Grace nodded her head, knowing that Alice spoke the truth. She sighed, and felt the gentle arms of her sister-in-law go around her in a warm hug.

  "Now, get some sleep," Alice said. "And after that, I'll see that you get some decent food in your belly. I think they make hospital food bad on purpose. Who wouldn’t want to get well and go home after eating that stuff?”

  For the first time that day, Grace smiled, and even laughed a little. Then she fought a yawn, and nestled down against her pillow. If there was one small thing to be happy about, it was her own bed in her own room. And feeling something like contentment, she slept.

  Chapter 24

  “Resolutions”

  The clock in the hall struck noon, and Grace felt her heart skip. Unless something dire had happened, they would be pulling into Union Station at that very moment. She felt her hands tremble a little at the thought, and clasping them together, she sat back in the living room armchair and shifted her weight uncomfortably. She felt a little movement beside her, and she looked down at her little dog that Henry had given her. The pup was curled up in a ball, sleeping contentedly, and she smiled slightly at the sight of him. As all puppies tended to be, he was quite a handful at times, and Jack wasn't happy about having to occasionally clean up after it. But the dog was sweet and he helped to keep her mood up. In her current state of mind, any kind of lightheartedness was welcome.

  Since coming home, she had remained mostly quiet and undisturbed in her room. She’d tried to read and take her mind off of the impending visit. But she’d never been sedentary, and each morning she got up early like she’d always done. Using the furniture for support, she made herself walk back and forth across the room to bring the strength back into her limbs. For several days now she’d been moving about. And this morning, she had come down the stairs completely on her own, clinging to the banister for support, and she had walked into the kitchen by herself, supported only by the use of a cane.

  Since she had come home, Alice had been making her meals and bringing them to her when Jack was not home. But she felt mortified by the idea of a pregnant woman trying to care for her. Even Jack had chastised his wife for her actions, insisting that she get one of the neighbors to come and assist her in her daily tasks. But Alice, in her ever stubborn way, refused any help, insisting that the things she was doing were small and not a burden to herself or the baby. Still, Grace was insistent on getting back her independence. She had walked into the kitchen, unassisted, and though her movements were slow they were steady...performed all on her own.

  The joy of that triumph was overshadowed by the anxiety she felt in thinking about the visit. They all felt it. Alice sat at in a cushioned armchair beside the sofa, working a crossword puzzle. Jack was sitting next to her on the couch. He had refused to go to work that day, insisting that he would not leave his wife and sister there alone. And yet, Grace knew that he would have rather been anywhere but there. She wondered and feared how he would react when their folks came walking through the front door. He sat on the sofa, reading his newspaper, though she sensed that he was probably not reading anything printed on the page.

  Lately he’d been unusually quiet, but that was understandable. He had vowed to never have his mother and father in his house or in his sight again. But Grace was sure he had heard what she’d said about the baby, even if he hadn‘t acknowledged it. And she was quite certain that Alice had been thinking along those same lines, for last night she had overheard part of a conversation between the two of them. And as she listened, she was sure she heard the sound of him walking back and forth across the floor as his wife talked to him.

  “When this baby comes, it will be a Langdon,” she said. “He or she deserves to know their family. My family is long gone, Jack. Yours are the only Grandparents the baby will ever have. Think of those brothers of yours…all five of them. I’m sure they would all be tickled to pieces to have a little niece or nephew. And what about Nathan, and Emily, and all of their children? They’ve always been so good to you, Jack.”

  Grace had not heard him give an answer, and she had gone to sleep wondering. Even if he had heard their words, had he listened? She could not be sure, even up until the moment when he sat in the living room that mid-afternoon. She had imagined him leaving the house altogether, or maybe hiding somewhere in it to avoid seeing their parents. But he had remained, and she could only wonder what would happen when they finally came through the front door.

  When the knock on the door came, all three of them froze. Then they all looked at each other for several long moments. To the surprise of both Grace and Alice, it was Jack who stood at the sound. Grace watched him as he set his broad shoulders and went to the door, and then he reached and opened it. It was Henry who stood before him, and as he stepped aside, Mr. and Mrs. Langdon came forward.

  From where she sat, Grace could see them clearly. She also caught a glimpse of Henry. For a moment she wished he would come rushing to her side. She wanted to feel the warmth of his arms around her. But he seemed to sense, as she did, that such a display would ruin the fragile peace of the moment. This wasn’t the time to declare affections, when they both knew her mother and father would frown upon it. So he stayed in the background, and after several moments he turned to go. She wanted to call out to him. But before she did, Alice stepped over to him and took his arm.

  “Don’t go just yet. Why don’t you stay for lunch?”

  He seemed hesitant. “I wouldn’t want to impose. You have your family here.”

  “Don’t be silly. You’ve been so sweet to go to all this trouble. The least we can do is offer you something to eat.”

  Grace felt some of the burden lift, comforted by the reassurance of his presence. When he came to stand close to her, it was all she could do not to rise up and bury her head in his chest. But she kept her face composed, reigning in her feelings, while he clasped his hands behind his back and spoke in a very civil and polite way, as if they were mere acquaintances.

  “Are you well? You look a little pale.”

  She nodded. “I’m fine. For now…” They both turned to watch her folks, particularly her mother, who had started crying as she put her arms around Jack. Grace noticed how, at first, he stood stiffly in her arms. But he had always loved their mother, and he’d always had such a soft-hearted soul underneath his tough exterior. Gradually he relaxed, and he even managed to give her a slight caress on the back. But when he s
poke, his tone was cool. He sounded like a parent talking to a child.

  "Mama, stop crying.” He carefully disengaged himself from her grasp. And then Grace watched as Jack turned their mother in her direction. She rose slowly, slightly unsteady, and Henry tried to help her. But she shook her head.

  “It’s all right. I can do it myself.” She leaned on her cane, but kept her balance. The last thing she wanted was to look weak and needy in front of them, especially her mother, who came and gave her a light kiss on the cheek. There was a light of concern in those eyes, but it didn’t reflect in her expression. But Grace hadn’t expected it, and so was not disappointed. At least there was an inquiry after her health.

  "Are you all right?"

  Grace nodded. Suddenly she felt lightheaded, and she wavered a little. For a moment she dared to wonder if her mother would reach to support her. But it was Henry who gave her an arm to lean on. He helped her sit, sitting on the stool beside her, and as she sank into her chair, it was then she noticed her father and her brother standing beside each other. They hadn’t been so close in years.

  But watching them, it was nothing like she’d imagined. In her thoughts she’d pictured a scene of extremity…either of sudden rage and swinging fists, or of anguish and tears. But she found no such sight before her eyes. Neither of them spoke. They just stood side by side, looking everywhere but at each other. And both of them seemed to be silently saying the same thing.

  I don't want anything to do with you, and you don't want anything to do with me. So we'll leave it at that.

  It was all very strange, as if no one knew at all what to do or say. Then Alice, who had been standing quietly aside, stepped forward.

  “Well let’s not all stand around like this. The baby’s hungry and so am I. Why don’t we eat? You all must be so hungry after the trip. Rachel, would you mind giving me a hand?”

  Without waiting for a reply, she turned and walked into the kitchen. And Grace watched her mother, whose eyes widened a little in surprise…but she followed after her. Grace looked over at Jack and her father, who hadn’t said so much as a word all this time. He glanced around, seeming rather uncomfortable.

  “I’m going out for a breath of air. It’s too dadblamed hot in this house.”

  He went out on the front porch. And Jack, who had been left to stand alone, turned and looked at her.

  “Sis, are you all right?”

  She nodded, letting out a small sigh. “Don’t worry about me. Why don’t you go on in the kitchen and be with Mama? She needs you more than I do.”

  He looked hesitant, but after a moment more he went. She and Henry were left alone. And almost before Jack was out of sight, Henry let out a little sound of anger. It sounded almost like a growl, and then he rose to his feet and paced in front of her chair.

  “You don’t know how hard I’m biting my tongue right now. If I came all that way to visit my daughter…my sick daughter, no less, I think I’d have a little more of a reaction. Somehow, I can accept the fact that your father’s an old devil. But your mother…good God, what is wrong with that woman?”

  Grace shrugged. “That’s just how she is. And it’s about how I figured it would be. But I got what I wanted out of it.”

  He looked curious. “What’s that?”

  “Jack and my folks are in the same house together. Mama has her boy back. And even Alice has gotten something good. She’s getting along with her mother-in-law. So it looks like all is right with the world. At least for now.”

  He came to her side, pulling the stool up close. Taking her hand, he threaded their fingers together.

  “But what about you? You’ve been giving all this talk about what’s good for everybody else. You deserve a lot more attention than you’ve been getting, especially from those jackanapes you call your parents.”

  She shook her head. “I'm not ignorant. I know what I am to them...what I'll probably always be. But there's this tiny little part of me that wants to see it for myself. It wants to know if they will really treat me like they always have, even after all of this.”

  He shook his head. "You want to know if they'll break your heart one more time? Damn them both, I know that's what they'll do. And I can't stand the thought of it. How can you let them do that to you? I just don't understand it at all."

  She lowered her eyes, saying nothing. His sigh was deep and troubled. He reached up, gently touching her cheek.

  “Sometimes I wish you would do what other women do…weep and wail, or babble on about how unfair your life is. Then I would know what to do to ease your pain. And don’t try to tell me it’s not there. Not matter how hard you try to hide it, I can see it in your eyes.”

  She met his gaze, seeing the anger and frustration there, the concern. But the last thing she wanted was for him to be worrying himself silly over her. He’d done enough of that already. She reached up and clasped his hand, gently moving it away from her face.

  “I’m tired. Very tired. I’ve been up since early this morning, but I don’t have the energy to get through the day anymore.”

  He smiled a little. “Well I can’t imagine why.”

  She started to get up, and right away he was there to support her. For once she let him, feeling it would hurt his feelings if she pushed him away. When she was steady on her feet, helped by the use of her cane, she looked at him and tried to smile.

  “Maybe you should go home and get some rest yourself. I’m sure you’re exhausted after these last several days. I’ll make excuses to Alice for you not having lunch.”

  “Are you sure you don’t need me to stay? I hate the idea of you being alone with those people. Excuse me for saying it like that, but I can’t help it.”

  She shook her head. “I’ll be all right, I promise. Besides, Jack and Alice are here if I need them. They’ve always been my champions when I’ve needed them, especially where it concerns my folks.”

  His eyes were full of doubt. But his frame relaxed, signaling his consent to her wishes. Glancing about, seeing no watching eyes, he leaned in close, his voice soft. “I’ll stop by in the morning.” He kissed her sweetly. Then with a reluctant expression, he left her.

  It was painful to watch him go. And yet it was a relief to know he wouldn’t have to watch all of this, worrying as much as he did. Now all she wanted was to rest. Without calling for anyone, she went to her room to lie down, losing herself in a few hours of sleep.

  * * * * *

  That night, supper was a rather quiet affair, except for some polite talk between Alice and Rachel. Grace could see the rift between the two women was mending, and though she was glad for them, she couldn’t help wondering where her place was in the entire peace process. She watched her mother as she asked questions about the baby. And all the time she wondered. Why can you make nice with your daughter-in-law, but not with me? But it was useless to voice such a question. She knew the answer would only lead to more disappointment, and she’d had her fill of that.

  As for her father, he hardly said anything. He seemed nervous, always fidgeting and pulling at his collar. When he silently let himself out into the back yard, where he sat on the step and smoked a pipe, Rachel turned to Jack with an apologetic expression.

  “He’s never been in a place like this. I think he feels cooped up, like a critter locked in a cage. He’ll feel better when we get on back home.”

  Grace found a steady enough voice to ask, “How soon will that be?”

  Rachel’s voice was meek. “Tomorrow.”

  “Isn’t that a little soon?” asked Jack.

  Rachel looked down at her hands, which rested around the cup she held. “There are so many things to do at home. We can’t stay away for long.”

  “There’s time for work, but no time for your daughter, is that how it goes?” His tone was sharp. “Nice to know some things haven’t changed.” He rose to his feet swiftly, leaving the room before his mother or anyone else could stop him.

  Grace waited to hear her mother’s reacti
on, part of her hoping that his words had prompted her to say something about the shooting. She wanted to hear her mother say how badly she felt about it, give some sign of deep concern to let her daughter know that Jack wasn’t the only person she was thinking of. Yes, her mother had a right to hope for healing in that relationship. Jack was, after all, her firstborn child. And wasn’t that part of what you wanted? Grace asked herself. Isn’t that why you had Henry bring them here?

  It was part of the reason. And yet, some desperate part of her soul wanted to claim some of that affection for herself. A little light of hope flickered in her, and she looked at her mother in anticipation, hoping she would look at her in return.

  “How he must hate the both of us,” replied Rachel.

  Grace sighed, feeling that little light of hope dim. Even now, it was all about someone else…all about Jack. As much as she adored her older brother, she couldn’t help but feel a sharp pain of jealousy.

  To Jack’s words, Alice spoke up. “He doesn’t hate you. Jack can’t hate anyone, no matter how he tries to put on an act.”

  Rachel nodded. “He’s a good boy,” she said. “He always was. And I’m glad he has a woman who makes him happy, and a baby on the way. He deserves such good things in his life.”

  Grace scooted back slightly, the noise disrupting the sentiment of the moment that threatened to drive her mad. But she kept herself collected, her face calm and her voice cool. “I’m really tired, so I’m going to bed. Good night.”