Finding Grace: A Novel

by Sarah Pawley

  "I should be going," he said. "I have some business matters to attend to, and a meeting with my accountant."

  She wasn’t sure if he was telling the truth or not, but that didn’t mean much to her at that moment. She didn’t want him to go, and as he went to retrieve his hat, she hurried to move close to him.

  "Do you have to go so soon?"

  He nodded his head. "I'm sorry I can't stay.” He wore a half-hearted smile, and he reached out and caressed her cheek with his palm. "I'll see you soon." Then he turned, and in a few moments more he was gone.

  Chapter 25

  “At Last”

  Lying on her side, she closed her eyes and gritted her teeth as she felt the stitches being taken out. The pain was only momentary, and she was thankful, because it was a sign that soon, the only pain she would have would be a memory. A small part of her independence had been given back to her. Despite the gloom that had been with her for these long weeks, she felt some comfort in knowing she was no longer confined. The doctor smiled down at her.

  "You're a fast healer, young lady. There will still be some soreness, but as far as the physical aspect goes, you've healed over quite nicely. There will be a scar, of course, but I don't think it's something to make a fuss about.”

  She said nothing to his comment, remaining quiet as he applied a healing salve and a fresh bandage. When he’d finished, she quietly thanked him for all he had done. Then Alice led him out of the room, leaving her alone.

  She did not take much time to dwell on the doctor or his comments, or even on the prospect of her recovery. She rose almost immediately from the bed and went to her closet, taking out the dresses hanging there. Laying them on the bed, she went to her dresser and emptied it. As she went about the room, collecting her things, there was a knock on the door. Jack appeared behind her a moment later. In his hand, he held a leather suitcase.

  "I brought you this," he said. "I think it would be better than that old flour sack you came here with."

  She smiled, for the first time in a long while, and took it from his hand. "It's very nice, Jack. Thank you." She took it and put it on the bed, opening it. "So you didn't like the poke I brought from home?" A little grin turned up in the corner of her mouth.

  "Well, I think a lady needs proper travel gear. And you’re a real lady now I think. Not that you weren't one before, mind you. But I think…” He paused, searching for the right words. "Well, I don't think of you as that little country girl who came here a while ago. I think you've turned into a grown woman somewhere along the way. I don't know if I like it much, but what can I do?"

  She smiled. Then a light of mischief came into her eyes. “You’re not going all soft on me, are you?”

  He snorted. “Hell, no.” But still he was smiling.

  She found great comfort in seeing him more pleasant than he’d been in some time. He was starting to seem more like the old Jack, and she was glad of it. Now, it seemed, it was her turn to go find that part of herself that she’d lost.

  Jack stood just at the door, looking at her.

  "Are you sure you don't want me and Alice to go with you to the station?"

  She shook her head. "I promised Henry that he could take me. But now I'm not sure if he'll even want to. I haven't seen him or talked to him in a week. It makes me wonder if he's changed his mind.”

  "I don't think he'll miss the chance to say goodbye," Jack replied. "I saw him in town a few days ago. He didn’t look so good. And when I told him what day you were leaving, I swear his face lost every bit of its color.”

  She didn’t look up. “Do you think he’s sick? Maybe you should go check on him.”

  He shook his head. “He’s lovesick, that’s what he is. And I’m not the one to cure it.”

  Her heart was struck by the idea that he might be suffering because of her. But she’d made her decision, and would stand by it. “He’ll be just fine without me. Let him live his life in peace. He doesn’t need me like a millstone around his neck.”

  Jack sighed and rolled his eyes. “I’ll never understand the way you women think."

  The doorbell rang, and he looked towards the sound. Then he looked back to her. “Speak of the devil." Turning away, he headed out and down the hall.

  She trembled a little at the sound of the doorbell. But gathering her courage, she took up her suitcase and followed Jack down.

  When she came into the foyer she saw Henry there. Jack and Alice were beside him, waiting for her. She came down slowly, and at the door, Alice put her arms around her in a warm embrace. She lovingly kissed her cheek.

  "Let us know the minute you get there.” She nodded and smiled. Then she turned to Jack, who leaned forward to kiss her on the forehead. "Don't stay away too long.”

  She smiled, giving him a gentle hug. "I'll be back to bother you before you know it.” She pulled away from him and turned to meet Henry, who was looking on with a cool, unreadable expression.

  On the way into town, he hardly said a word. But then again, she hardly said anything to him either. How could she, when she knew that in a very short time, she would be parting from him? She began to sense that he might have been thinking along those same lines, and she understood why he would have wanted to remain quiet.

  She felt miserable as they got off the streetcar and walked down the sidewalk toward the station. As he led her through the doors and down the stairs to the great hall, she couldn't help but recall the first time she'd seen this incredible place…how it had so overwhelmed her. Thinking of that, she couldn't help remembering the first time she'd seen him there. She wanted to cry at the thought of leaving, but somehow she managed to keep her tears held back.

  Don't make a fool of yourself now, she told herself. When you get on the train, and are out of sight, you can pour your heart out, but until then, be strong. She took a very deep breath to steel her nerves. Then she heard the announcement come from overhead…the call for her departure. She rose to her feet and Henry followed, walking with her toward the platform.

  They walked together under the soft white light of the glass atrium. She hardly noticed the milling crowds or the hissing of the train as it waited. In that moment she thought of Jane, leaving Thornfield in the middle of the night…fleeing from her beloved Rochester.

  He who is taken out to pass through a fair scene to the scaffold thinks not of the flowers that smile on his road, but of the block and axe-edge; of the disseverment of bone and vein; of the grave gaping at the end.

  She turned to Henry, but found she could hardly bring herself to look at him. As hard as she tried to suppress them, she could not keep tears from pooling in her eyes. He reached out to give her the suitcase, and with a trembling hand, she reached for it. Then she felt his other hand come and close over her wrist - a warm and potent touch that sent a thrill up her arm. Then she heard his voice, deep and soft.

  "Stay.”

  She began to tremble, inside and out, as he took the suitcase from her hand and put it down. He closed one hand gently around hers.

  “I can’t be noble about this...not anymore. Since the day you came into my life, you’ve been trying to turn me into something better…trying to make a good man of me. And damn your soul, you almost did it.”

  She opened her mouth, tried to reply, but he cut her off.

  “I’m not noble. Just saying the word makes me sick. I’m self-centered and selfish, and when I want something enough, I’ll do whatever I have to in order to get it. And I want you.”

  Her heart raced madly. She watched him reach into his pocket to search for something.

  “You think you don’t need anyone. You think you can waltz through life on your own and carry everything on your own shoulders. But you don’t stop to think about anyone else. Maybe you can do without me, but what if I can’t do without you?”

  Oh Lord, she thought, sensing what he was about to do, and she began to weep when he unclenched his palm, showing her the ring.

  "The first time I was going to a
ttempt this," he said, "Some fool ruined it by trying to take you from me. And then I tried it again the other day, but you had to break up my plan by saying you were running away from me. But I won't let you go.” He gingerly lifted her hand, carefully sliding the ring on her finger. Then he looked into her eyes, the corner of his mouth rising in a devilish little grin. “I won’t give you time to think it over. And if you say no, I’ll just follow you wherever you go and keep asking until you give in. And you know how stubborn I can be.”

  She leaned her head against his chest, smiling. "You've been a stubborn fool since the day I met you."

  “That’s beside the point,” he replied, lifting her chin, making her shining eyes meet his. He brought his lips close to hers, whispering. "Just say yes."

  She didn't say anything. She just threw her arms around his neck, kissing him. And he kissed her back with equal fervor. It was all the answer he needed to hear.

  * * * * *

  “Why do you want to marry me?”

  Henry’s eyes widened a little, surprised. For two days they had been traveling. And for most of those two days they had sat close, as they did now. They’d talked softly and exchanged many a loving look and caress. But now, for the first time since she’d accepted him, her expression was all seriousness. Those steely eyes of hers were full of concern. But he was in too grand a mood to answer a real question. He just smiled and took her hand. He pressed his lips to her palm, delighting in its warmth. For a moment he dared hope that the caress would distract her. It didn’t.

  “Why?” she asked.

  His lips trailed from palm to wrist. “Why not?” A moment later he was stung when she carefully pulled her hand away. Her brow became stern, her eyes silently declaring that she wouldn’t be put off further. A small sigh fell from his lips. “I love you. What more reason do I need?” He leaned forward to kiss her, giving a groan of frustration when she leaned away. Her tone was firm.

  “You could have any woman in the world. A beautiful woman. One with lots of money and high-born qualities. What am I but a little old country girl?”

  “Are you trying to say you’re not good enough for me? Because if that’s what you think…”

  She shook her head. “I know what I am, and where I come from. And I’m proud of being me. I wouldn’t want to be someone else.”

  He gave her an odd look. “What is it you’re trying to say? I’m having trouble understanding.”

  “The truth is, we’re from two different worlds. Worlds that weren’t meant to meet and get together. Why do you want me? Everyone will figure you’ve come down in the world if you marry me.”

  “You should know by now. I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks.”

  “You’re not answering the question.”

  He sighed, more deeply this time. In truth, it was hard to put into just a few words what he loved about her. But she wanted a reply, and for a moment he struggled to find one. When at last it came to him, he leaned in close to her. His voice was soft and tender. “Sometimes, you just know when something is right. And when I’m with you, it’s like I’ve found a missing puzzle piece. Everything fits, just like it should. And I’m happy.”

  Now she smiled, and it held a hint of mischief. “Do you rehearse these speeches ahead of time, or do you just make them up on the spot?”

  He didn’t answer. Instead he stole a kiss, as he’d wanted to do from the first. And now, he sensed a change in her…as if she finally understood that she was his, and he was hers, for she kissed him back with as much fervor as he felt for her. I'm happy, he'd told her. It felt so marvelous to say those words. And yet they didn't seem adequate to convey the joy she'd brought to his life. He didn't know if words would ever fully express what he felt for her...but he intended to show her his feelings, every day, for the rest of their lives.

  *****

  They spent several weeks at the seaside. In all honesty, he would have preferred to be married straight away. But she was still in need of recovery, and her health mattered to him more than rushing her to the altar.

  He was also aware of her inexperience with relationships. In her life, she’d hardly gone more than a few days without some sort of chaperone to watch over her. He wanted her to be at ease when she was alone with him. And in those weeks before their marriage, she seemed to grow quite confident and content being at his side. It delighted him to witness the change. And after they were wed, he hoped they would always be as happy together as they were in those first days.

  She was such a contradiction...and he absolutely delighted in it, much as he always had. But now, the pleasure it gave him was all the more intense, when he could act on his feelings. She was so young, so innocent. And yet, she carried herself like a woman twice her age. She could be so sweet and shy, and a moment later she could be wild-eyed and as fiery as a little devil. It was hard to decide which side of her personality he liked better, because both were tempting in equal measure. And whichever side he dealt with, there was one point he was certain of…her heart was always true, whether she was devil or angel, woman or child.

  That contradiction was made startlingly clear to him the morning after their wedding.

  He stirred from his sleep just as the sun was rising. As he came awake, he felt her presence in the bed beside him. Looking down, he smiled at the sight of his lovely young wife, who was lying on her belly, her face turned to him as she slept. Her skin was a rich golden color, more so than before. Her long honey-toned hair was spilled over her back and shoulders. A beautiful memory came to him as he recalled how softly her hair had spilled through his fingers the night before. Looking at her now, he knew it would be kinder to let her sleep. But the sight of her was too strong a temptation. Aching to press his lips to her warm bare skin, he reached out and swept her hair away.

  He froze. There between her shoulder blades, faint but still evident, were several long marks. They were pale in color...too pale for him to have seen them last night, in the dimness of candlelight. But with the bright sunshine now streaming in, the scars were all too clear. All at once he was angry, brokenhearted, and disgusted. Not by the imperfections themselves, but by what they implied. He knew what she’d endured at her father’s hands. But to see it…to think of someone actually striking her…leaving her branded this way. It sent a fierce surge of fury, of protectiveness, pulsing through his veins. He wanted to snatch her up in his arms, clasp her to his heart and swear to her that no one would ever harm her again. But closing his eyes, taking in a deep breath to calm himself, he knew he couldn't act so impassioned. How would that seem to her, especially on the morning after their wedding?

  As he tenderly looked at her, she stirred slightly. Her eyelids fluttered. She looked at him...and smiled the most beautiful smile.

  Her beauty moved him, so much that he wanted nothing more than to draw her into his arms, to express all the love and desire he felt for her. But the memory of seeing her scars was overwhelming. To keep from troubling her, from letting her see the anguish he still felt, he needed to step away for a moment. Gently, he grazed a knuckle over the soft slope of her bare shoulder.

  "Stay here and rest," he whispered. "Have a hot bath, if you like. It will help...the tenderness." Her cheeks went pink as she sensed what he meant, but he just smiled. "I'll find some breakfast and bring it up." Reluctantly moving away from her, he went to wash and dress.

  Before he went out, he turned at the door to glance back at her. Her eyes had closed again, her look so peaceful. And he left her so.

  Coming down to the lobby, he went out to the veranda where he walked for some time, calming his nerves. When he felt his temper had cooled enough, he went to the front desk and ordered a tray of fresh fruit.

  He came into the room quietly in case she was still sleeping. Walking across the threshold, he caught sight of her before she noticed him. She was out on the balcony, in a light summer dress and bare feet, looking over the railing at the sea below. Her hair billowed lightly in the breeze, and he smil
ed as he thought how child-like she seemed. And yet she was a woman. And his wife. The very thought of it sent a flood of warmth all through him, and he wasn’t content any longer to stand and watch her. Coming quietly through the open door, he put the tray down on a table and walked up behind her. Gently he put his hands on her shoulders, and he felt her jump.

  “I’m sorry if I scared you,” he said.

  She shook her head, looking back at him and smiling. Then, to his delight, she leaned back against him. “You didn’t scare me. My mind was just way out there while I looked at the ocean.”

  It was clear to him that she was content with his closeness. He had worried for a moment that she might shy away, still being a new bride. But the way she relaxed against him, letting out a small sigh of joy, he didn’t think it wrong to move his hands from her shoulders to her waist. Bringing his arms around her, he pulled her tightly against his body and pressed his cheek to hers. And she contentedly sighed again.

  “I could stay here like this all day…with you.”

  “And I with you.” He brushed a delicate kiss just behind her ear, feeling her shiver. It was enough to turn his thoughts wicked. But as eager as he was for her, he wasn’t some hasty youth, demanding immediate indulgence. He was a grown man, and now a husband. He intended to be the best one he could be, which meant taking care of the woman he loved. And not just in matters of a sensual nature. He forced himself to let go of her, difficult as it was. He took her by the hand and led her to little table. But he wasn’t ready to be parted from her completely. Sitting in the chair, he brought her close and pulled her down to sit on his knee. Close as she was to him, he felt her tense a little, and a flush of pink came to her cheeks. He smiled at seeing it.