The Memory of Love

by Tammy Shuttlesworth

  Callie opened the door a scant inch, looking as if she had not slept in a week. He wanted to be the balm to her soul she so obviously needed, instead of the source of distress he felt he was for her every time he saw her.

  “Yes?” Her voice wavered.

  “I have come to check on you.” He pushed away words of comfort that were about to burst from his mouth.

  “I am fine.”

  Her response was not strong enough to convince him. Looking out as she was through the tiny space between the door and the frame, he could barely see one side of her face. Tiny drops edged her long lashes, causing a new wave of compassion to well up inside him.

  “You do not look it,” he answered.

  Why didn’t he just tell her how beautiful she was? How her eyes had sparkled when they found him across the huge room where the orphans ate their meals? How her lips curled up in a smile when she saw him scouting around the grounds for something to do?

  She pulled the door open slightly, far enough to gaze up and down the pathway, then stuck a shoulder through the opening. Her gaze hung momentarily on his face as if she were looking for something she knew should be there but wasn’t.

  “Look,” Joshua began, “can you step outside for a moment?”

  Hesitation flickered in those brown eyes of hers, but they were a moody brown now, not a laughing brown. Amazingly, she ventured out, sunlight streaming onto the slender column of her throat. Her dress was an older one, and she had not taken any time to tidy her appearance, yet he saw nothing but the beauty she radiated from within. Even the bonnet that appeared as if she had tossed it on her head looked perfect.

  “You have news?” There was a scant hint of hope in her voice.

  Joshua hated to disappoint her. On top of that, he had to will himself not to touch her. If he did, it would make leaving harder than the last time he had said good-bye.

  “I wish I did.”

  He felt so inadequate where Callie was concerned. He knew this was no time for regrets. They surfaced anyway. If he had told the whole truth in the beginning, they might be man and wife by now. He would be free to hold her head against his chest and comfort her. Joshua turned away those thoughts before they resulted in some foolish action. Pressing his fingers into his palms, he gazed down at her.

  Callie’s eyes shifted to the ground. “Then why are you here?”

  “To tell you I am going to look for them.” He wished there were some way he could erase the heartache she must be feeling.

  “Others have done so,” she scoffed. “They were unsuccessful. What makes you think you will do any better?”

  Joshua didn’t blame her for being sour. Life for Callie had been turned inside out. And not for the first time.

  “Because no one else has gone so far north,” he answered. “There are five of us heading out. I for one am not going to stop until I find them.”

  “Five?” She seemed to consider the number. “For how long?”

  “A week. They will return then.”

  He held his breath, but she appeared to miss the implication that he might not be with them.

  “Godspeed, then,” she offered, pushing loose curls away from her brow.

  He could tell it was taking tremendous effort for her to talk to him. He offered a silent prayer of thanks that she had come out of her cabin for him when she had not for anyone else. Was it meaningful? Had she reached a point where she was beginning to trust him without knowing why?

  He ground his teeth together. He was leaving, leaving her behind so he could seek out her runaway sister and the man everyone had thought Callie would marry. Where was the justice in this world? Just as the woman he loved might be realizing there was something significant between them, he was going away.

  “Brother David usually says a blessing for those who are going out. Has he done so?” Her voice was so small, yet her words moved him.

  “No,” he admitted. “Will you come and pray with us, then?” It was bold of him to ask, and he held his breath while he waited for her reply.

  Beneath the gray lines of her dress, her shoulders tightened. A burst of color on her cheeks made her pale skin look even more delicate.

  “I cannot. There will be people there, and they …” She bit her lip.

  Joshua raised his left hand, intent on letting it rest on her shoulders to provide encouragement. Callie stepped back and, seeing her prepare to move, he lifted the hand to the wooden frame of her door and leaned against it instead.

  He motioned toward the cabin door with his other hand. “You cannot hide from them forever. They are concerned about you, about what has happened.”

  “Are they? Or are they gossiping?”

  “Surely you know your family better than that?”

  Her eyes widened as if she were weighing the word and she had nothing to compare it to. “Family? Oh, my Christian one. Yes, I trust them. It is just that …” She straightened her shoulders. “I am not keen on being the object of gos—”

  “It is more than gossip, is it not?” Joshua cut in. “People want to help you. That is why we are going out. Does that not prove anything?”

  It proves I love you. His plea was silent. The urge to reveal everything was stronger than ever. If only I could tell you, we would be done with this hedging. And no matter what would happen, it would be worth it to finally say those words to you after so long.

  “It proves you are a fool, going north into unexplored territory,” she retorted. Her words faded into nothingness, but there was a spark in her eyes he had not seen since that night at the Solomons’ cabin weeks ago. It was there only briefly, and she concealed whatever followed by gazing toward the cemetery.

  “Tell me what you are thinking.”

  He didn’t know if saying that made him courageous or foolish. If he could draw her out for a few more minutes, he sensed he would win some sort of battle. But to what end? He was going and not returning until he had information about her sister.

  How long that might take was not something Joshua wanted to ponder. Since Callie didn’t know who he was, perhaps it was best they end like this. Here, alone, two souls without any apparent bond to each other. Perhaps this was what God had planned after all—to allow him to find Callie, to assure himself she was all right, and then to lead him away before he could hurt her.

  A subtle burning pulled at his eyes as he stared at her, willing her to read his mind to see how much he cared for her, had always cared for her, and would continue to do so.

  Her eyes locked with his, the power in them such that Joshua knew the moment would be etched in his memory forever. “I am thinking nothing,” she replied.

  “Your eyes disagree. So, I think, does your heart.”

  Dare he hope there was a small bit of sadness inside her that he was leaving?

  “I am tired,” she explained. “You would be, too, if your sister had run off with someone you had least expected, right after she had …”

  Heedless of the consequences, Joshua put his hands on her shoulders, feeling every slender muscle beneath them grow rigid.

  “Right after what, Callie? What have you not shared with us?” He peered at her, trying to force her to divulge what she knew.

  Callie glared back, her mouth quivering. “I have told Brother David what I know about finding Sarah gone,” she insisted.

  To push further would ruin whatever he had managed to accomplish. He let the weight of his hands rest gently on her shoulders. She didn’t pull away. Rather, he thought there might be a slight willingness to share her sorrow with him. He would gladly take that load and anything else, if she would only let him.

  “We are departing in two hours. If there is anything we need to know, you must tell us.”

  “I have already said ‘Godspeed.’ That is all.” She stared at a distant point on the horizon.

  His hands fell to his sides. He missed the contact between them immensely. Belatedly, he realized she would think he had come as a friend, not as anything mor
e. He didn’t know if that would be enough to sustain him on his trip. But if it was God’s will that this is what he would carry with him forever, then he would accept it.

  Looking at her now, her shoulders slumped as if the welfare of the world rested on them, he couldn’t help but wonder if she was strong enough to go it alone. First the loss of Sophie Ruth, then her sister. How much more could she take?

  He checked the sun’s position and realized he had just enough time to pack before leaving. Since he couldn’t stay and watch over her, he would ask Brother David to keep an eye on Callie and pray for the best. Surely God would keep her safe just a little while longer….

  Callie heard Joshua’s footsteps plodding away from her. She continued staring at the sky, hoping the blue expanse of God’s handiwork would help her sort through the emotions warring within her. Crows squawked and cattle lowed nearby, but she was not aware of it—nor of anything else happening in the vicinity.

  Why had Joshua come to tell her he was leaving? Did he think that was what she wanted? Had she run him off by her unpleasantness? She had watched him treat ill people with whom she normally would have worked. She had listened patiently to his confession about a love gone wrong. She had conversed with him occasionally, but always came away feeling as if he did not approve of her.

  Though tears moistened her eyes, she told herself she did not need Joshua’s approval. She had Jesus. That was all she needed.

  Yet, if she had been a friend to Joshua as a Christian should, would he still be so eager to leave? Callie wrung her hands together. What had she done? Had she forced Sarah into Levi’s arms by being overbearing when all she had meant to do was direct her sister’s footsteps in the right direction?

  She sobbed. She had not meant to hurt any of them, not Sarah, not Levi, and not Joshua. But they were all gone now. The salty tears that trickled down her cheeks added to her misery. Perhaps Sarah had been right; a loving God would not allow life to be so sour.

  Unable to reconcile herself to what the future now held, Callie entered her cabin and flung herself on her bed. She kept telling herself that keeping secret Sarah’s admission of her disbelief would not in any way hamper the search party.

  Without knowing why, several times she almost caved in and ran to Joshua to inform him of her sister’s desertion from God’s path. Each time, she quailed at the thought of what he would then think of her. He would question her ability to teach others about God and how to love Jesus. He might also think she was unable to treat those who were sick; and if he returned and decided that, she might find herself out of work at the mission. That would mean she must leave, for she could not bear to stay where she wasn’t wanted.

  Callie blamed herself for Sarah’s departure. She should have identified the change in her sister’s behavior, sensed something momentous was about to happen, before it was too late.

  That didn’t prevent her from grasping the edge of her blanket as she realized how alone she was. A ragged knot formed in the back of her throat, and frustration rippled through her shoulders. Her eyes seemed blistered from the frequent crying she had been doing since she discovered Sarah and Levi missing.

  “It is not fair, God. You could have warned me this was going to happen. You have taken everything I ever cared about away from me. Why did You do it?”

  Callie didn’t stop to consider that she included Joshua as part of the “everything” she cared about. But she did recall some of his last words: “They will return in one week.” Did that mean he would not?

  Chapter 9

  The search party gathered by the meeting house to begin their journey. Wives and youngsters held tenaciously to their loved ones, reluctant to let them go. The horses carried saddlebags filled with jerky, corn bread, and dried nuts and berries. Water would be taken from the river they would follow as they headed north.

  No one found it easy to leave. Joshua eventually slapped the reins against his horse’s neck and pulled on the leather strap of a bridle, and in doing so, assumed command of the group. The horse he rode was the same mount that had brought him to Schoenbrunn a few months earlier.

  Noah was a large bay who had seen better days as a plow horse, but Joshua trusted him. The horse tossed his head, and his creamy mane bounced up and down as if he remembered what travel was all about and was anxious to begin.

  “Be safe,” several people called out while husbands leaned down from their horses to give their wives one last hug.

  “Go with God,” Brother David encouraged.

  Ruth Lyons stood directly behind the elder, leaning against her husband’s shoulder. One hand held tightly to her husband’s, and the other shaded her eyes from the sun.

  “Bring my son back,” she said quietly.

  Brother David turned and nodded. “They will,” he replied. “We have prayed for them.”

  While the men began their trek, Callie fretted in her cabin. She had wanted to be there to see them off but had been unable to make herself go. She was too afraid of overhearing something that might be said of her, and she didn’t want to admit how much it hurt to think of Joshua leaving.

  The worry that had coursed through her when he came to tell her he was going had been unlike any emotion she had ever experienced. But somehow she had reached inside herself and found the strength she needed to stand quietly and let him go without saying anything.

  Though she couldn’t bring her feet to walk through it, she had left her door partway open. Now she could hear the whinny of anxious horses and the calls of the rest of the mission population bidding farewell as the men started out.

  She moved quickly to the doorway to watch. Joshua, astride a bulky mount, was easy to spot, and her eyes lingered on him. He raised a hand to wave at the crowd gathered around the meeting house, and discomfort worse than that of riding in a buckboard wagon weighed her down.

  As if he sensed what she was contemplating, Joshua turned and glanced toward her cabin. Callie stumbled backward, not realizing the shadows of her home hid her. As she watched, his eyes seemed to tarry on her half-open door, perhaps inviting her to step outside into the open and wave farewell. There was an enormous tug on her heart, and for a moment, her knees weakened.

  Nonetheless, as she remembered why he was leaving, her cheeks burned with shame at the memory of having to tell Brother David she had found Sarah missing. And that was just the beginning. It didn’t compare to how she felt when they began to suspect Levi had accompanied Sarah.

  Callie inhaled sharply. The panic she felt when she had found Sarah gone returned, slicing through her stomach with the claws of a mountain lion. It was made even worse by the fact that she had done nothing but sit in a chair and wait for her sister to return.

  Wrapped up in her own disavowal of Sarah’s confession, she had thought her sister had run to MaryBeth’s and would come back when the two girls had caught up on whatever it was they talked about.

  A new wave of helplessness assailed her. Why hadn’t she remembered that Sarah had admitted she and MaryBeth had had a disagreement? That Sarah had said she doubted she and the girl would ever work it out? How much of a head start had her failure to act given the couple?

  Bitter recriminations stung her eyes while the word “disgrace” echoed in her mind. Sarah had humiliated not only herself but the entire mission by running off with a man and leaving no note of explanation or farewell. Callie tried hard, but at this moment she couldn’t see how she could ever forgive Sarah for this. Somehow, she didn’t think Sarah wanted her forgiveness anyway.

  After all, Callie couldn’t help thinking, hadn’t Sarah admitted she had confessed Jesus only to pacify her sister? There was no denying Sarah’s words. They had poured out of her like water sliding off a cliff. Callie rubbed at her temples where the pounding seemed to hurt the worst.

  Where would it end? Would she ever see Sarah again? Or was she destined to remember her as she saw her last—strawberry curls tumbling around her pale face, brown eyes stricken with the deception she had
been hiding for who knew how long.

  She rose, not bothering to straighten the top of her dress as she usually did after sitting, her weary steps tracing the beginning of a worn trail in the straw on the floor.

  “You cannot change history,” Brother David had told her shortly after he and his flock had taken her and Sarah into their fold after the flood. “Nor should anyone ever want to, for it makes us who we are today and who we will become tomorrow. If we follow God’s path, we can never go wrong.”

  Remember those words, she told herself. Cling to them now while my heart is heavy with what Sarah has said and done and the knowledge that Joshua has gone.

  She passed the window and rose up on her tiptoes in the hope of catching a glimpse of the party Joshua led, though they certainly were out of sight by now, having left several minutes ago. Then, realizing the uselessness of her action, she wrung her hands together, hunched her shoulders, and went back to pacing.

  Callie’s days and nights were oppressed by an agony she could not eradicate from her soul. As she had shortly after Sarah’s disappearance, she refused to see anyone, ignoring well-meaning knocks on the door and anxious voices shouting through the wooden planks that had been firmly laced together.

  She watched the hours stretch ahead of her, rotating from pink, empty dawn through the day to an even emptier purple night. Bible verses flitted through her mind, but she began to question their truths and promises.

  After one particularly harrowing day in which Callie burned her hand on the kettle over the fire and stubbed her toe on a stone barrier put in front of the hearth to help catch stray embers, she collapsed on her bed in tears.

  The sound of her door scraping across the wooden frame jolted her. She wiped the fuzziness of tears from her eyes and looked up to find Levi and Suzannah’s mother, Ruth, standing over her. Ruth had her hands settled on her hips and a grim look of determination on a face that was tired and drawn.