Just as I Am

by Kim Vogel Sawyer

  She wriggled like a bluegill on a line as he pulled her toward the porch swing hanging in the quiet corner. He chuckled. Didn’t she know by now she couldn’t out-stubborn him? He gave her a gentle push into the swing seat and perched beside her, angling himself so his knee bumped her skirt. “Then you better come up with somethin’, ’cause I’m not gonna let you tell me not to bother with you without knowin’ why you’d say such a thing.” He shook his head, confused. “Why, Daisy? Ain’t we been the best of friends since the day I got dropped off at the asylum? Ain’t I wrote to you every month, just like I promised? Ain’t I come around every Sunday even though you give me every excuse under the sun the rest of week not to see me? Ain’t you figured out how much I—”

  He gulped, shyness striking. Even though he knew how he felt about her, her stiff, cross-armed pose and scowling face didn’t invite tender words of affection. A lot of time had passed. Maybe she’d decided she wanted something more than to be with an orphan with nearly empty pockets and not much except affection to offer. He finished lamely, “You ain’t a bother to me, Daisy.”

  She lunged out of the seat so fast it sent the swing sideways. He scrambled for balance so he could go after her, but there wasn’t any need. She stomped three feet away and then froze in place, her back as straight as a flagpole. She spoke in a voice so low and tight he almost missed it. “Why do you bother with me?”

  The porch swing creaked as he rose, its complaining note matching the inner groan of his heart. He crept up behind her and laid his hand on her shoulder. She stiffened, chasing away the reply he wanted to give. Defensiveness rose up and spilled out. “Why shouldn’t I?”

  She spun around so fast it knocked his hand free and forced him backward a step. She gestured wildly. “Look at me! I’m too tall! I’m too skinny! I’ve got hair as short as sheep’s wool and a face as long as a mule’s! I might as well be a boy for all the girlishness I lack.”

  He thought she looked just fine, but before he could say so, she fixed him with a narrow-eyed frown.

  “Do you think Cassandra is pretty?”

  There was no good answer for a question like that. He folded his arms over his chest and commended himself for keeping his mouth closed.

  To his surprise she swatted at his forearm. “Don’t just stand there like a ninny! Answer me. Is Cassandra pretty?”

  Why were they talking about Cassandra? He growled, “Daisy …”

  “She is, isn’t she? You think she’s pretty.”

  He rolled his eyes and threw his arms wide. “All right! Yes, she’s pretty, but—”

  Dismay bloomed on Daisy’s face. “You really think so?”

  Rob slapped one hand to his forehead, dislodging his cap. How’d he gotten himself into this mess? “Feathered frog’s feet, Daisy, a man can’t help but take notice of a pretty girl! And when a girl’s got as much prettiness on the outside as Cassandra does, it’s kinda hard to miss.”

  She turned her back on him again. He was getting a little tired of looking at the smashed bow on the back of her hat. He reached to take her shoulder and turn her around, but she started talking, and her words sealed him in place.

  “I’ll be leaving soon. For California. Yes, California …” She gave a nod that made the lopsided bow bobble. “There’s work to be had in the gold fields. Men will pay well for someone to wash their clothes or fix them a meal. I can make lots of money there, take care of myself in style. So as soon as I’ve got enough saved up, I’ll buy a ticket and leave for Sacramento. Or San Francisco.”

  He stomped around in front of her so she had to look at him. “You’re makin’ this up as you go along. You ain’t goin’ to California.”

  She lifted her chin. Her eyes glittered with determination. “Oh yes I am. I’ll probably have to work at the factory another month yet, maybe two, before I have enough saved. But then I’m going. As far away as I can get.”

  Did she have any idea how much she was hurting him? Temptation to grab hold of her and shake some sense into her almost got the best of him. But his ma had taught him never to hurt a girl. So he sent up a brief prayer for patience before catching her hands and looking directly into her tawny eyes. “Why’re you wantin’ to get away, Daisy? I thought you said you wanted to stay here in Sinclair.”

  Tears flooded her eyes. “I … I do, but—” She jerked free of his touch and scurried to the door. “Good-bye, Robby.” She slammed herself inside before he could say another word.

  He stood in front of the door, his hands on the oval glass, battling whether to go after her or not, but in the end respect for Miss Lucy’s rules kept him on the porch. He turned and scuffed to the steps, sank down, and propped up his chin with his hand. All these years he’d thought it would be him and Daisy together forever. All the prayers he’d said for her, all the dreams he’d had about her now seemed useless. What had he done—or hadn’t he done—to chase her away?

  “God …” Rob aimed his gaze at the cloudless sky. “You sent me to Brambleville, and I fell in love with Daisy. First it was because her red hair and brown-gold eyes reminded me of Ma. If I’d had a sister, she probably would’ve looked a lot like Daisy. But over time her looks didn’t matter so much as who she was on the inside. She’s the kindest, bravest, most unselfish girl I know. An’ she’s the best friend I ever had. I can’t imagine bein’ with anybody except Daisy. I don’t want her to go, an’ I don’t think she really wants to go. What can I do to convince her to stay?”

  Without warning a portion of John 13:34 whispered through his mind: love one another; as I have loved you.

  Rob scowled. “But don’t I already love her? Sure I do!”

  As I have loved you …

  Crunching his eyes closed, he concentrated on the meaning. Loving someone as God loved meant being patient and kind and forgiving. It meant giving up self. He offered a slow nod as he accepted the admonition.

  “All right, God. I can do that. I can love Daisy the way You love me.” He then whisked a pleading glance skyward. “But would’ja make sure she notices? ’Cause I don’t want to lose her.”

  Chapter 10

  Why did he have to make things so hard for her? The week following her demand to Robby to stop bothering with her, Daisy died a hundred little deaths as she resolutely turned a blind eye to Robby’s sweet gestures of solicitude.

  Given her position as a sorter and his as a packager, their paths crossed often. Prior to her declared plans to go to California, when they encountered each other, he gave a surreptitious wink or grin and moved on. Afterward, he paused in passing to whisper sweet words—“That green dress sure makes your eyes sparkle”—or to lend a helping hand in shifting trays or to offer his handkerchief to dab the sweat from her forehead.

  Each time he performed some small deed, Cassandra’s eyes snapped with fury, and in the evenings she threw hurtful words at Daisy—“You just had to beg for a compliment today” or “The only reason Rob helped you this morning is because he feels sorry for you.” No matter how diligently Daisy worked to avoid talking to Robby, looking at Robby, and acknowledging Robby, he continued in his lighthearted, easy way, and Cassandra continued to be spiteful.

  As lunchtime neared on Saturday, Daisy scanned trays of Pecan-Sprinkled Caramel Chocolates for signs of imperfection. Across the sorting table Cassandra worked as her partner. The other two sorters chatted cheerfully over their table of chocolates, but Daisy had long ago given up hoping for conversation with her work partner. She focused on plucking out any candies that didn’t meet Dinsmore’s strict standard of excellence. With her head down, her gaze aimed at the trays of candy, she wasn’t aware of anyone’s approach until Cassandra released the intensely girlish, trickling giggle she saved for Robby’s benefit. Daisy experienced a jolt of reaction—Robby was near.

  She stiffened as he stepped next to her and dipped his knees a bit to capture her gaze. If she’d been a praying person, she would have prayed fervently in that moment to keep from looking at him. She missed him s
o much. But he deserved better than anything she could offer, and she must be strong. She forced a tart tone. “I’m working. What do you want?”

  He didn’t even flinch. “Wanted to let you know Miz Kesia packed me two pieces of her apple pie in my lunch tin. She said one of them is meant for you. I know we can’t sit together in the lunchroom, but if you’ll sit close—maybe right behind me?—I’ll give you your pie.”

  Although Miss Lucy’s promise that her boarders wouldn’t go hungry had proven true, she rarely provided desserts. Daisy’s mouth watered when she thought about biting into a slice of one of Miz Kesia’s flavorful pies. She flicked a glance toward Robby and caught Cassandra’s murderous glare. She quickly shifted her attention to the candies again. “That’s kind of Miz Kesia, but I have my own lunch.”

  “You sure? It’s awful good.” His grin was like a magnet, drawing her attention. “Flaky crust, lots of cinnamon mixed in with the apples … I remember how much you favor cinnamon.”

  Daisy swallowed. “No thank you.”

  He shook his head slowly, chuckling. “You are a stubborn one. ’Course, I’ve known that for a long time. Guess I’ll just have to wave it under your nose when we’re in the lunchroom an’ see if you can refuse it then.”

  Oh, but he was a rapscallion. Daisy sucked in her lips to keep from smiling at him.

  Cassandra sidled around the table and placed her hand on Robby’s forearm. “If you want to share that pie with someone, Rob, I—”

  “Miz Kesia sent it for Daisy.” Robby gently shifted away from Cassandra’s touch and lifted the closest finished tray. He backed up two steps, his heels scraping the floor. “If you change your mind, Daisy, just let me know. I’ll have that pie waiting.” He turned to leave.

  Cassandra whirled on Daisy, her gaze as slit-eyed as a snake’s glare. “You did that on purpose!”

  Daisy blinked in surprise. “Did what?”

  “Refused the pie so he’d have to beg you to take it.” Cassandra balled her hands into fists and growled low in her throat. Her face glowed red. “You’re just determined to come between Rob and me!”

  “Me … Between you and …” Daisy sputtered, too shocked and angry to speak coherently.

  “Well, I’m through being nice about this.”

  Unexpectedly, a short laugh burst from Daisy’s lips. Cassandra … nice?

  The other girl spat, “You are going to leave Rob alone or else!”

  For reasons she couldn’t understand, Daisy decided in that moment she’d had enough. Squaring her shoulders, she lifted her head and pinned Cassandra with a firm look. “Don’t threaten me, Cassandra.”

  Cassandra folded her arms over the ruffled bib of her apron and scowled. “It isn’t a threat, Daisy Forrester. It’s a promise. If you don’t stay away from Rob, I will make your life miserable.”

  Daisy couldn’t imagine being more miserable than she’d already felt for the past weeks, separated from Robby and suffering under Cassandra’s constant derision. She blew out a tired breath. “Cassandra, as I’ve already told Robby, I’ll be leaving for California as soon as I have enough money to get myself there. In the meantime I have work to do. So please let me get to it.”

  She turned toward the table and stretched her fingers toward the next tray of candies. A pair of palms landed in the middle of her back and pushed with enough force to send Daisy forward. Her hips slammed into the table, throwing her off balance. She scrambled to catch herself, but instead she knocked the filled tray of nut-sprinkled candies from the table onto the floor with a mighty clatter. Bits of nuts rained liked a shower and chocolates bounced everywhere, leaving dark marks on the concrete floor. Daisy stared in horror at the mess.

  Cassandra began to shriek. “Oh, oh, look what you did! You clumsy, clumsy girl!” Her voice carried over the constant hum and clank of machinery, and other workers came running. Cassandra continued to wave her hands and squawk louder than a goose with its tail feathers caught in a gate. “Such shame! Look what Daisy did!”

  Daisy glanced at the gathered workers. They all stared at her, expressions of disgust or amusement on their faces. Humiliation filled her. She knelt and began gathering up the spoiled candies while Cassandra skittered from one worker to another, babbling about Daisy’s clumsiness.

  A second voice roared over the top of all the other noises. “What is going on here?”

  Daisy looked up as Mr. Hightower stormed to the center of the circle. Dread settled like a rock in her stomach. “M-Mr. Hightower, I—”

  Cassandra bounded over to the factory manager and clasped her hands beneath her chin while sending him a penitent look. “Mr. Hightower, Daisy—she’s such a graceless thing—tripped over my foot and spilled an entire tray of perfect chocolates!” She shook her head, her lips pooching into a sorrowful pout. “Such a waste! Will you take the lost candies from her pay packet?”

  Daisy hung her head, defeated. The employment contract she signed showed her agreement to be financially accountable for loss of candy whether by deliberate or careless means. Her hands had sent the tray over the edge of the table, which made her accountable. She held her breath, waiting for the manager to flay her with condemnation. But instead, another voice—a familiar voice—intruded.

  “Mr. Hightower? Before you take any pay away from Miss Forrester, I’d like to tell you what happened here.”

  Chapter 11

  Daisy pushed awkwardly to her feet while Mr. Hightower turned to face Robby. Her heart pounded fiercely in fear. In the past weeks she’d witnessed the manager severely berate workers and even dismiss one for daring to argue. She sent Robby a pleading look, begging him to remain silent. She couldn’t bear it if he was released from his job because of her. But dogged determination showed in the set of Robby’s jaw, shredding Daisy’s sliver of hope.

  “Miller, this situation does not concern you.” The manager’s frown was stern enough to silence the most outspoken worker, but Robby opened his mouth as if to speak again.

  Cassandra ran across the short expanse of floor to Robby and clung to his arm with both hands. “Yes, Rob, please don’t concern yourself. You’re so gallant, and of course you’d want to protect a girl who hails from the same town as you”—she fired a look of loathing at Daisy before turning her beguiling smile on Robby again—“but really, how will she learn if she isn’t forced to suffer the consequences of her behavior?”

  Robby gazed at Cassandra for a few seconds, his brows pinched in an expression of uncertainty. Then he shook his head and peeled her fingers from his arm. “I don’t understand you at all, Cassandra, but if anybody needs to suffer some consequences for ill behavior, I’d say it’s you.”

  Cassandra’s jaw dropped, and several workers snickered.

  Mr. Hightower waved his arm at the group. “Everyone, back to work! Expect a shortened lunch break for the time you wasted here.”

  Some skulking in silence, others muttering, the workers ambled back to their tasks.

  Mr. Hightower aimed his frown at Robby. “That goes for you, too, Miller.”

  Robby marched toward the manager rather than away. “I’ll get back to work just as soon as I’ve had my say. An’ if you wanna shorten my lunch break, that’s fine. It’s worth it to me.” He sent a tender look at Daisy before facing Mr. Hightower again. “This whole mess is my fault.”

  “Rob!” Cassandra gasped.

  “Robby!” Daisy exclaimed at the same time, staggering forward three steps.

  Robby ignored them both. “I came over to the sorting tables to talk to Daisy.”

  Mr. Hightower’s forehead furrowed. “To fraternize?”

  Daisy held her breath. Fraternizing during work hours was grounds for dismissal. If Robby confirmed the man’s accusation, he could be signing his own release papers.

  “Yes, sir. Then Cassandra—” Robby paused and pulled in a long breath. As he released it, Daisy also blew out her held breath, bidding both Robby’s and her jobs good-bye. Robby hung his head. “I think Cassandr
a got jealous. Because as soon as I walked away, she pushed Daisy into the table. And that’s when the candies got spilled.” He lifted his head and met the manager’s glowering gaze. “So you see, sir, if I hadn’t come along, none of this would’ve happened. I’ll take responsibility for the loss. Or maybe Cassandra and I should share it.”

  Cassandra released another startled gasp.

  Robby finished, “But please don’t blame Daisy. She didn’t give me so much as a minute’s attention. She just got caught up in the middle of a skirmish between me an’ Cassandra.”

  Mr. Hightower shifted to look at Cassandra. The girl’s face had gone white, and she wrung her hands together. “Do you have anything to add, Miss Hooper?”

  Cassandra jerked upright so quickly it seemed someone had hooked her head with a string and given a sharp yank. “Yes, sir, I do. I did push Daisy. And I’d do it again!” Her voice quavered, and red flooded her cheeks as she pointed first at Robby and then Daisy. “Because you needed to know that these two are sweethearts. He’s been sneaking around, looking out for her ever since she hired on. I don’t think they should be allowed to work on the same shift.”

  Mr. Hightower set his lips in a grim line and glowered at Daisy, Cassandra, and Robby in turn. Daisy quaked beneath his glare out of worry for Robby and what his standing up for her might cost him. She gazed at him in befuddlement. Why had he done it? He’d risked his job for her. If he lost his job, how would he pay for boarding and meals and the other things he needed? Surprisingly, a prayer formed in the back of her heart.

  Don’t let him lose it all because of me, God, please …

  The manager whipped a pad of paper and a pencil from his jacket pocket and scratched notes onto the pad while speaking. “Miller, Hooper, and Forrester. The value of the ruined candy will be taken in equal portions from your week’s pay.” He jammed the pad back into his pocket and sent an unsmiling glance across the three of them. “I need to consider whether or not to allow you to keep your positions here at Dinsmore’s. I’ll give you my decision at quitting time this afternoon. Now get back to work, and no more fraternizing, pushing, or spilling.” He turned on his heel and strode away.