by Rita Ewing
“It’s just the things you said to me.”
He wrestled her hands free from his neck and laughed. She heard the pity inside his chortle. “Get real, Leila, it’s part of the game.”
“I know,” she whispered her lie. She hadn’t known. She’d believed every wonderful syllable that had surged through his lips.
“Well, I hope you’ll think about this because if we ever get together again–”
“If we ever get together again?” Panic covered each word as she spoke them.
“If we ever get together again,” he repeated. “I don’t want a repeat of this. You know who I am, Leila. I can’t afford the drama.”
She swallowed as he shrugged his shoulders into his jacket. “I don’t want any drama either, sweetie. I just want you.”
He grunted.
“When are we going to get together again?” It was a plea more than a question.
“I don’t know.”
“I thought we were going to spend the entire afternoon together today. Where are you going now?”
He looked at her as if she’d just landed from Mars. “I’m a grown-ass man, Leila. And we’re not married. Take that mess home to your husband.” He was gone before she could say anything else.
It took several moments before the numbness that had shielded her began to drip away, and then tears rolled down her cheeks. It was the first time he’d ever walked out on her, but she was well acquainted with this scene. He spoke to her the way Shawn always did. He left the way Shawn always had.
Within minutes, her tears turned to sobs. She fell onto the bed, grabbing a pillow and holding it as if it were her lover. She cried until her head throbbed and her stomach ached.
She had to talk to someone. She reached for her cell phone. “Nona will know what to do,” she said aloud. But before she dialed the first number, she turned off her phone. She couldn’t talk to Nona. She couldn’t talk to Nona or Toni or Allen or Anna. The only people who could help her could never know about this. Because if any of them ever found out, she’d lose much more than their friendship.
She was alone.
Leila grabbed the comforter from the floor and wrapped herself inside the luxurious quilt. Then in the middle of the cosmopolitan elegance that only the Ritz-Carlton could provide, Leila cried until the sun’s light bowed to the night’s darkness.
sixteen
Nona hardly looked up when she heard the knock on the door, but when she did, she was surprised to see Allen.
“Hey, you,” he said.
She smiled. Even though they saw each other every day, their contact had been only formal in the two weeks since the zoning meeting. She missed him. “Come on in.”
They sat in the middle of a strangers’ kind of silence before Allen said, “I don’t like what’s been going on between us.”
“I know, Allen, I’m sorry.”
He leaned forward. “I’m sorry too, Nona. I hope you know I only want what’s best for you.”
“I know. That’s why I was surprised when you said I should give up. We both know that’s not at all what’s best.”
He nodded.
She continued, “You’re usually such a fighter. We’ve won so many battles together.”
“I know, but Reverend Watkins–”
“We can beat him too, I promise.”
He shook his head, and Nona saw the doubt in his eyes.
“I’ve been working on something for the last week,” she said as she stood and joined him on the other side of her desk. “You know we’re moving the video to Marcus Garvey Park.”
“I got the e-mail.”
She touched his hand and they both smiled. “Sorry about that. I didn’t want you trying to talk me out of it. Anyway, I’m moving it to get community support. I’ve got our publicist, Terrie Williams, on it, and of course, my good friend and editor-in-chief of the Amsterdam News, Elinor Tatum, is on our side. Anna’s been working with me and we’re not sure what to do, but I’m going to make some kind of announcement at the taping about Brickhouse closing … about being pushed out of Harlem … about all of Reverend Watkins ideas.”
Nona frowned when Allen sat still, as if her good news didn’t faze him.
She continued, “Now, how do you think several hundred Harlem residents are going to react to that news?”
He shrugged. “It could work.”
“You betcha it could. It’s my last hope, Allen.”
The buzz on the intercom stopped them both, and Sarah’s voice floated into the office. “Nona, Odessa’s on the line.”
“Let me take this.” Nona picked up the phone. “Odessa?”
“Ms. Nona, I just want you to know that I picked Kelly up from school. The nurse sent her home.”
“Why? What’s wrong with her?”
“I don’t know. The nurse said Kelly had an upset stomach all morning,” Odessa said. “But I wonder if it’s her not eating. She’s been complaining about her stomach hurting for the last week or two. But now I think it’s much more than that.”
“Odessa, why didn’t you tell me Kelly hadn’t been feeling well?” Nona asked, raising her voice slightly.
Allen stood and walked to her side.
“I wanted to but every night that I tried to wait up for you, I fell asleep. And then in the mornings, you seemed so preoccupied with Brickhouse and the video and the rezoning. You haven’t even had breakfast with us in a week. I didn’t know what to do.”
“You could have called me,” Nona said, now standing. She shook her head slightly to keep away the guilt she felt building. The guilt that told her if she wasn’t so busy with her business, she would have noticed that Kelly wasn’t feeling well. “You could have left me a note, Odessa,” she said, wanting to shift her guilt.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think about that. And I thought Kelly just had a little stomach flu,” Odessa explained. “I didn’t want to bother you with everything you have going on if that’s all it was.”
“Odessa, there is nothing more important than Kelly.”
“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“Well, I’m on my way home. Please keep checking on Kelly.” She hung up.
“What’s wrong?” Allen asked.
Nona sighed and tried to answer that question. But she wasn’t sure. Was this just a stomach flu or did this have something to do with Kelly’s eating habits? “I’m not sure.”
“Is Kelly all right?”
Nona shook her head, hoping that would keep away the guilt and the tears she felt burning her eyes. “I don’t know. Let’s just pray that she is.” She grabbed her purse.
“Do you want me to drive you home?”
“No, Ray’s here. I’ll call later.”
She was out the door and past Sarah before anyone could ask any more questions. It took almost half an hour for Ray to drive her the twenty blocks in the afternoon traffic. Nona’s mind was jumbled with thoughts. She wanted to believe that Kelly just had a stomach bug, and after a few days of rest, she would be back to her normal self. But the sinking feeling in Nona’s stomach told her that this was something more.
Ray had barely stopped the Escalade before she jumped out and hurried up the steps to her brownstone. “Kelly,” she yelled when she opened the front door.
Odessa rushed to meet her. “She’s in her room, Ms. Nona. She’s been resting.”
“Is she still throwing up?” Nona asked as she rushed up the stairs.
Odessa followed her. “Not anymore.”
“Did she say anything?”
“Only that her stomach hurt.”
They stopped in front of Kelly’s room. “Thank you. I’ll let you know what time we’ll be eating.”
Nona walked into Kelly’s room. The room was a bit dark, lit with just the early evening light that filtered through the window, but she could still see that the room was empty. She frowned.
“Kelly,” she whispered. And then her frown deepened. What is that? she wondered. What’s
that gurgling? Nona moved slowly toward the sound. Her steps quickened as she approached Kelly’s bathroom.
It took a moment for the sight before her to register inside her brain. Kelly was hunched over the commode, with half of her hand inside her mouth. She was on her knees. Heaving. Purging.
“Kelly,” Nona screamed.
Kelly’s body jerked as she heard her mother’s voice, but she stayed in place, the yellow bile still flowing over her hands, out of her mouth, into the toilet.
“Kelly,” Nona cried. She grabbed her by her waist and lifted her away.
Kelly’s gags continued, even through her cries as Nona tried to carry her. Nona stumbled a bit under Kelly’s weight, but after several seconds of struggle, she finally laid Kelly on her bed.
“Kelly,” Nona shouted. “What are you doing?”
“Mommy, I’m sorry.”
Nona stared at her daughter for a moment. Her white shirt was soaked with the fluid that was meant to be inside her stomach. Nona pulled Kelly into her arms, and their tears flowed together.
“Odessa, Odessa,” Nona yelled. Nona rocked Kelly in her arms, trying to stop her sobs. “Odessa.”
“Yes, Ms. Nona.” Odessa rushed into the bedroom and stopped. “Oh, Ms. Nona.”
“Please bring me some towels,” she shouted.
Odessa nodded and hurried away.
“Mommy, I’m sorry,” Kelly said over and over.
“Kelly, why?” was Nona’s mantra.
It took less than a minute for Odessa to return, and then long minutes passed as Odessa gently wiped the bodily waste from Kelly and Nona.
Still, Nona held her daughter–as she moved Kelly to the chaise while Odessa swiftly changed the bed linens and comforter, and then cleaned the bathroom.
Still, Nona held her daughter–as Odessa removed Kelly’s soiled shirt and draped her bathrobe over her shoulders. Then they both helped Kelly return to her bed.
Still, Nona held her daughter–until she stopped crying. When Nona felt the calm breathing of Kelly sleeping, she motioned for Odessa to move to the other side of the room. “I’m going to stay with her.”
Odessa nodded. “Let me know if you need anything else, Ms. Nona.” She looked at Kelly, and then her eyes, still filled with tears, returned to Nona. “I’m so sorry.”
Nona rubbed Odessa’s shoulders, trying to reassure her. But once Odessa left the room and Nona was alone with Kelly, she wondered who was going to reassure her.
Nona returned to the bed and lay next to Kelly. She was sure of it now. She had to do something. She had to save her daughter’s life.
The bedroom was totally dark before Nona felt Kelly stirring. Nona reached for the nightstand light, and when Kelly opened her eyes, Nona smiled.
“Hi, sweetheart. How are you feeling?”
Kelly nodded slightly. “I’m feeling better now.”
Nona took a breath and held her daughter’s hand. “That’s good. And we have to make sure that you stay that way.” She paused. “Tomorrow I’m making an appointment with the doctor.”
Kelly sat up on the bed. “But I’ll feel way better by tomorrow. I won’t need to see Dr. Benjamin.”
“I’m not talking about Dr. Benjamin. I’m talking about a psychologist. We’re going to get to the bottom of this.”
“What?” Kelly shrieked and jumped from her bed, as if Nona hadn’t found her crouched over the toilet just hours before. “I told you, I’m not going to any shrink.”
“And I told you, Kelly, that we are. I’m the parent, and I want to know what’s going on with you.”
“There’s nothing going on, Mom. I just had a little stomachache.”
“And that’s why you were standing over the toilet vomiting?” It took everything within her to keep her voice calm.
“I … I had a stomachache. That’s why I was sent home.”
Nona stood from the bed. “Kelly, please. You and I both know that’s a lie. You weren’t feeling well because you’ve been forcing yourself to throw up whatever you put in your mouth. It’s called purging.”
Kelly’s eyes widened as if she were surprised that her mother knew the truth.
“And I know about everything else too. How you don’t eat around me and Odessa, but there are empty bags of cupcakes and potato chips and God only knows what else stuffed in the back of your closet.”
Kelly fell back onto her bed, her eyes filled with tears. “Okay, Mom, it’s true,” she confessed as if she were telling Nona something new. Then Kelly looked up, her eyes filled with promise. “But I won’t ever do it again. I’ll get better. But please, please don’t make me go to a shrink.”
There were so many days when Nona had believed she and Kelly could fight this together. But the vision of what she’d seen today would not allow that hope anymore.
“Please, Mom.” Kelly’s pleas invaded her thoughts but didn’t change her mind.
Nona looked at Kelly as if she hadn’t heard a word she said. “I’ll let you know when we have the appointment.”
“Don’t you care about what I think and what’s going to happen to me?”
“That’s all I care about.” Nona walked toward the door. “And in thirty minutes I expect you downstairs for dinner.”
Kelly slumped against her pillows and cried. Nona hesitated for a moment. She wanted to run to Kelly and hold her, comfort her, assure her that this was for her good. Promise her that in weeks, they’d both be glad a doctor had become involved. But instead Nona walked out of the room.
Inside her bedroom, Nona crawled onto her bed and leaned against the headboard. She pulled her knees into her chest and covered herself with the down comforter. What was going on? Her daughter, her business, even her friendships … it was all falling apart. Was there a message in what was happening? She closed her eyes. If there was something she was supposed to hear, she had to find a way to listen before everyone and everything that she loved was completely destroyed.
seventeen
Sarah had researched, spoken to friends, and then given Nona a list of doctors. Nona interviewed seven over the telephone and selected Dr. Rutherford, a psychologist who specialized in children with eating disorders, and more important, someone who was not affiliated with her daughter’s school. She didn’t want Kelly to worry about her friends there knowing that she was seeing a therapist.
Nona had wanted to visit the doctor first to explain the situation. But Dr. Rutherford insisted on seeing Nona and Kelly together.
As Ray slowed the car in front of the Park Avenue building, Nona glanced at Kelly. Her daughter hadn’t uttered an unnecessary word since their confrontation two days before. And this morning Nona had almost had to drag Kelly from her bedroom. Now Kelly sat scrunched in the farthest corner of the SUV, as far away from Nona as she could get.
When the car stopped, Nona stepped out, but Kelly stayed inside.
Nona waited a moment before she said, “Kelly, get out of the car.”
Kelly opened the door on her side and jumped out, but then walked a few steps behind Nona as they passed the building’s doorman and entered the doctor’s first-floor office.
In the next minutes, Nona felt as if she were living another woman’s life–she checked in with the receptionist, filled out a mental health questionnaire for herself and Kelly, gave the receptionist her insurance information, and then sat in the ten-chair waiting room. She was relieved that only she and Kelly were there. That had been one of her concerns–being recognized by another patient and then having the story of her doctor’s appointment splashed on the pages of some tabloid magazine. That would certainly push Kelly over the edge.
Nona picked up a magazine. “Do you want to look at one of these?”
Kelly barely shook her head, as if she were disgusted by any interaction with Nona.
Nona sighed and prayed that Kelly would behave differently with the doctor–act as if she had some home training and not as if she were one-half of a very dysfunctional family.
�
��Ms. Simms.”
Nona looked up.
“Dr. Rutherford is ready,” the receptionist said.
Nona glanced at the clock. Nine o’clock, exactly. She stood, took a few steps, and then looked over her shoulder.
“Kelly.” Nona worked hard to keep her tone even.
“She called you, not me,” Kelly said. But still, she stood and followed her mother.
“It is so nice to meet you, Ms. Simms,” Dr. Rutherford said as she stood at her door. She turned to Kelly. “And how are you, Kelly?”
Kelly shrugged and grunted.
When Nona opened her mouth, the doctor shook her head slightly, stopping her. Dr. Rutherford motioned for them to take a seat in front of her desk.
Although she tried not to show it, Nona was a bit surprised by Dr. Rutherford. On the telephone, her heavy proper-Boston accent painted a picture in Nona’s mind of a tall, red-haired, refined, slender woman. But the largeboned doctor couldn’t be called slim at all. It made Nona wonder. Was that why she was so effective with young girls?
“Kelly, it doesn’t seem like you’re too happy.” The doctor’s voice brought Nona back into the office.
Kelly folded her arms across her chest and shrank into the chair. “I don’t want to be here,” she said, her eyes trained on the floor. “It’s embarrassing. I don’t need a shrink.”
Nona shook her head and sighed. This wasn’t going to work.
“I can understand how you feel,” the doctor said. Her voice was soft, soothing, as if even her speech were some kind of medicine. “But since you’re here, let’s talk.”
For the first time, Kelly looked at the doctor. “About what?”
Dr. Rutherford smiled. “I can think of a few things, but first"–she turned to Nona–"Ms. Simms, would you mind leaving us alone?”
The doctor had told Nona that she might want to speak to Kelly by herself, but Nona hadn’t expected it to be this early in their meeting. Dr. Rutherford didn’t know anything about them–nothing about what had been going on in their lives. Even though her brain told her feet to move, she stayed.
“It’s fine, Ms. Simms,” the doctor reassured her as if she heard her thoughts. “You can wait right outside. Kelly will be fine.” The doctor stood, and Nona followed.
