by Rita Ewing
Nona glanced at Kelly and then stepped from the room. She chose the chair closest to the doctor’s office and eyed the receptionist. She was waiting–waiting for the receptionist to get up to make copies, go to the bathroom, run to the post office–anything that would give her enough time to stand and put her ear to the door.
She had to know what was going on. What family secrets was Kelly revealing? Was she telling the doctor that her mother was never there for her and cared more about her business and didn’t seem to know that she existed? And that her mother was why she didn’t eat? And why she binged? And why she purged?
“Stop this, Nona,” she whispered to herself. “If I’m going to have a conversation, I should at least include someone else.” She pulled out her cell phone and punched Leila’s number.
“Hey, girl,” she said when Leila answered. “How’re you doing?”
“Not so good, Nona. There is so much going on.”
“Tell me about it.” Nona sighed. “I’m at the doctor’s office with Kelly right now.”
“Listen, Nona, can I call you later? There’s something I have to do.”
Nona stared at the cell phone once she heard the rustle of dead air. Leila had hung up. Without saying good-bye. Right after she’d told her best friend that she was at a doctor with Kelly.
She dialed Toni’s number. She couldn’t wait to tell Toni how Leila had treated her.
“Hi, Sam. Can I speak to Toni?”
“Hold on a sec,” the cheerful assistant sang. A few seconds later, Sam returned, but the song was gone from his voice. “Nona, uh, Toni is … not available right now.”
“Not available? What does that mean?”
“She’s not available,” Sam repeated as if saying it a second time would make it clearer.
“Thank you,” Nona whispered before she hung up. She wanted to call Anna, but knew she was in a meeting for her Children’s Literacy Outreach.
Friends … that’s what she needed now. But none were available. She was staring into the face of one of the most important moments of her life, and she was alone.
“Ms. Simms.” Nona hadn’t realized that the doctor’s door had opened. “Can you join us?”
Nona stepped back inside and paused when she looked at Kelly. She’d left her daughter slumped in the chair, lips poked out, arms folded. But now she was sitting up straight, and although Nona couldn’t quite call the smirk on her face a smile, it was much more pleasant than what had marked her face when Nona had left the room.
“Well, I think Kelly and I have learned quite a few things, haven’t we?” the doctor said.
Kelly nodded and glanced sideways at Nona.
“Now, Kelly, would you mind leaving me and your mother alone?”
Kelly stood and looked at Nona again. She still wore that smirk–a half smile filled with secrets. As if she understood things that her mother never would. Nona twisted in the chair.
When they were alone, the doctor said, “You have quite a daughter, Ms. Simms.”
She’d heard that statement a few times. “I know. That’s why I don’t understand this problem.”
The doctor nodded. “Well, there is no way for me to make a complete diagnosis after twenty minutes, but I can safely say that Kelly’s problem is classic. It’s a call for attention.”
Nona sighed. “She constantly says that she wants to look like me–”
“I don’t think it’s so much that,” the doctor interrupted. “She’s not really trying to look like you, although she believes that is the solution. You see, so much attention is given to you that Kelly feels … insignificant. So she’s willing to do whatever she can to be like you. In her mind, when that happens, she’ll be special and people will notice her too.”
Nona frowned.
“I know this is a lot to take in right now, but the key is, Kelly really opened up to me. In just minutes, she was telling me how she was feeling.”
The doctor’s words didn’t make her heart feel good. Nona thought of the times when she’d asked Kelly what she was feeling, what she was thinking. All she’d received were blank stares or empty words. “Well, I’m willing to do anything to help my daughter.” Nona pulled a pad from her purse, ready to take notes.
“Like I told you over the phone, Ms. Simms, there is never any quick fix for eating disorders.” She motioned for Nona to put the paper away. “This is not about one feelgood session. Kelly is holding much inside. I suspect some of this has to do with her father living so far away.”
Nona gulped. It was another item to check off on her guilt list. She was a career-focused mother who couldn’t even give her daughter that one important relationship–the one with her father.
The doctor continued, “It’s going to take more time to get to the center of all that Kelly’s feeling. This is really about discovery. In these sessions, Kelly will come to find out things about herself. She’ll develop her own solutions, with my help. But I’m just here to listen and direct.” The doctor leaned forward and made a note on a pad. “I’d like to see Kelly twice a week–alone.”
Nona nodded.
“And I’m going to give her a diary to write down not only what she’s eating, but what she’s feeling. Any thoughts that come to mind.”
“That’s good,” Nona replied. If Kelly wouldn’t talk to her, at least she’d be able to read what her daughter was thinking.
“I’m going to explain to her that whatever she writes is private, and the only person who will ask her to share her thoughts is me.”
Nona squeezed her protest back into her throat.
“In order to get to the crux of Kelly’s challenges, she has to feel safe,” the doctor explained, addressing Nona’s hesitation.
“Did Kelly tell you she didn’t feel safe with me?” Nona whispered.
The way the doctor looked at her, Nona was sure she was being analyzed. “Kelly didn’t say that. I just want to provide every opportunity for her to open up–completely and honestly.” She paused. “Let’s try it this way for a while. Of course, I’ll schedule regular updates with you.”
Nona nodded.
“And one last thing, Ms. Simms. Kelly thinks you’re angry with her.”
“I’m not.”
“I understand, but it’s what she feels. I just want you to know that Kelly really can’t help what she’s doing. Bulimia is an illness. She is substituting a need for attention with a voracious appetite when she is alone. Then, to look like you, she makes herself vomit. It’s physical and mental. She’s not trained to solve this eating disorder. And unfortunately, neither are you. You can’t just put a plate in front of Kelly and force her to eat and keep it down. She won’t eat in front of you or others, and when she does, she feels so guilty that she punishes herself by purging. We have to find a way for her to eat normally again, and that won’t happen until she feels safe.”
Nona swallowed. Bulimia is an illness. It was as if those were the only words from Dr. Rutherford that she heard. Oh, my God, she thought. I’ve been waiting and hoping that this would just end. Did I make Kelly worse by not bringing her in sooner?
“You’ve done a good thing, Ms. Simms,” the doctor said.
Nona blinked. This doctor seemed to always know what she was thinking.
“Many people wait for years before they seek medical help,” the doctor continued. “People don’t realize this disorder is an illness. But Kelly is here now for treatment. And part of that is making sure that she feels complete support. Not anger or condemnation.”
“She’s a child, my child. I would never condemn her.”
“I know that,” the doctor said in her soothing tone as if Nona was the one who now needed treatment. “I just wanted to make you aware so there won’t be any obstacles as we move forward.”
By the time Kelly returned to the office, Nona was slightly slumped in her chair. She barely heard the doctor’s words as Dr. Rutherford spoke to Kelly about the diary and meetings the two of them would share. Nona watched
her daughter. Just an hour ago, Kelly was shut off, angry, ready to step off the face of the earth if that would get her away from Nona. But after minutes with the doctor, Kelly was speaking freely, smiling even. She wasn’t the daughter that Nona had brought into the doctor’s office.
What did Dr. Rutherford do that she hadn’t done? Countless times she’d tried to connect with Kelly–in all kinds of ways. But the doctor had done it in twenty minutes.
By the time Ray brought the car in front of the doctor’s office, Nona’s emotions were swirling. This session was supposed to be for Kelly, but she was the one filled with doubts. Maybe she wasn’t a good mother. Maybe she wasn’t cut out to be. Maybe she would never be able to help Kelly.
By the time she dropped Kelly off at school, Nona was absolutely sure. She needed her own psychologist.
Leila stared at the phone again, willing it to ring. Still, it remained silent. She wanted to pick it up and call Nona back. She hated the way she’d spoken to her friend, but she couldn’t do anything about that. She’d call Nona and apologize later. Right now, there was only one person she wanted to talk to.
She tightened her bathrobe around her waist and walked to the bedroom window. She drew back the rose curtains. Outside, the sylvan peace that had drawn her to this Jersey suburban home was in fall bloom. The golden colors of the leaves urged her to remember good times, when she and Shawn had first chosen this ten-thousand-square-foot home and made plans that matched their wedding vows–till death would them part.
But the death of their marriage had come long before its legal demise. It had been ushered in through Shawn’s emotional abuse and womanizing that he did little to hide. He had broken her heart, ripping feelings of love from her.
It was a miracle that those feelings had returned–a gift from her lover. There was joy in her heart now, although it was only outside the walls of this home. It was joy nonetheless–in the arms of the sweet man who made her feel special.
But now she feared the delight she’d come to know could be gone. It had been more than a week since he’d stomped out of the Ritz, and although she had called him an uncounted number of times, he hadn’t returned any of her calls.
She hadn’t been able to sleep, to eat–she hadn’t even been to Brickhouse. When Shawn questioned her and challenged her to get herself together, she lay in bed, speechless, and left her children’s care to their housekeeper. Nothing in her life mattered if she lost the best man to ever come into her life. With the other men she’d bedded since she’d been married to Shawn, it had only been about sex. But not now. With him, it was about love.
Leila reached for the phone and dialed the private number again. He’d given her this number right after their first tryst.
“Hello.”
His deep voice surprised her. “Sweetheart,” she breathed through her throbbing heart.
“What can I do for you, Leila?”
She blinked at his tone. As if he were talking to a business associate. “You must be in a meeting.”
“No. What do you want?”
She swallowed. “I’ve been trying to reach you for a week.”
“I know.”
“I wanted to speak to you so that I could apologize.” She waited through his silence and pulled her robe tighter around her. “I’m sorry for the way things ended last time we were together.”
“I’m sorry too, Leila, because I thought we had a good thing going.”
“We do.”
“But you’ve become too serious, too possessive. It used to be all about fun with us, but now … you’ve taken that away.”
She wondered how she had done that. Last week was the first time she’d mentioned their being together. To this point, it had all been about him, the relationship all on his terms.
But she didn’t dare protest. She couldn’t take the chance of his becoming angrier. “I don’t know what came over me, sweetheart,” she began quickly. “But I’ll never ask about us being together permanently again.” She paused. “Please. I need you.”
She heard his sigh. “I don’t know, Leila. Let’s wait and see.”
“But I need you now.” She hated the desperation in her voice, but what she hated more was the thought of living without him. He made her life with Shawn bearable. Without him, she didn’t know what she’d do.
“Let’s see how things go between us at the videotaping in Marcus Garvey Park next week.”
“You’re going to be there?”
“Of course. I have to be. But just keep your distance. There will be too many people there, and I cannot afford a slip-up. I don’t want anyone to suspect anything if they see us together.”
Again, she wanted to protest. They’d attended many of the same events, and she’d never given him any cause for concern. And she wouldn’t now. But she knew her words would mean little–she’d have to show him. “Baby, I promise, we’ll be fine.”
“We’ll see.” It was the first time he’d ever hung up without saying good-bye, but Leila held the phone to her ear, wanting to hold on to his last words, even if they weren’t filled with the love that she was used to receiving.
Finally she returned the phone to its station. It wasn’t the conversation she’d hoped for or even imagined. But at least he’d spoken to her. And he hadn’t ended their relationship.
She sank back into her bed. She would be careful. From now on she would make sure that she gave him everything he wanted, all that he needed. She would become his life. And then maybe one day, he’d see what she already knew–that the two of them were put on this earth to spend their lives together.
“I don’t know, Allen. It was awful.”
“Well, the doctor said she’d be able to help Kelly, right?”
Nona nodded and stood looking out the window at 116th Street. Her beloved Harlem. “Dr. Rutherford said that she’s able to open a dialogue with Kelly.” Nona sighed. “I guess that’s what’s most important since my daughter won’t talk to me.”
“Nona, don’t take this personally. Kelly is almost a teenager. In her mind, her mother doesn’t know anything.”
Nona grunted.
“And Dr. Rutherford is trained to use the right words and the right tone to get Kelly to open up.”
Nona remembered the doctor’s gentle manner. “Well, whatever works, right?” she said as she returned to her chair.
“And I’ll spend more time with Kelly too. Maybe she’ll open up to me.”
Nona smiled. “Thanks, Allen. I can always count on you.” Her smile faded when she looked at him closely. “Are you all right?”
He nodded.
“You just look a bit… drawn. You look tired.”
He took a breath. “I guess it’s all that’s going on. And now, with Kelly.”
“Don’t worry, I know she’ll be fine. Dr. Rutherford’s good.”
“Still, I wonder …” He paused and looked down at the floor. It seemed as if he had something to say, but was having difficulty finding the words.
“What are you thinking, Allen?”
When he looked up, a mist covered his eyes. “I have to wonder how much of a toll fighting Reverend Watkins will take on Kelly.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying this.” Nona slammed her fist against the desk. “What are you trying to do, make me feel guiltier?”
He held up his hands. “No, not at all. I’m just trying to be the voice of reason to get you to see the other side.”
Her eyes were slits as she stared at him.
“I’m being what you’ve always asked me to be, Nona. A true friend. One who will tell you the truth.”
The anger that had been rising in her began to descend. Allen was right; he’d always been the one to say the things she didn’t want, but needed to hear. From the beginning, he’d been the reasonable voice when she operated on emotion. Was she doing that now?
“Nona, I don’t want you to be mad at me, but I’m thinking about you and Kelly. Maybe what she needs is a clean break. Away fr
om everything that’s here. Everything that makes her think she’s not good enough.”
“And you think LA, the land of the superficial, will make her feel better?” Nona smirked.
“LA will give her a new start, with another support system. It won’t all fall on you. It’s time for Ronald to be a parent too.”
Nona sank into her chair and allowed his words to settle. Maybe he was right. Maybe LA and Ronald would be good for all of them.
She shook her head. “You know what? I don’t want to think about this right now because I’m not ready to give up.”
He nodded, though she could still see the reservations in his eyes.
“I can make one last stand. The videotaping is a week from today and I think I can rally enough support against Watkins and his ideas.”
“But–”
Nona held up her hand. “I promise you, if it doesn’t work, then I’ll truly consider what you’re saying. I’ll think about not fighting.”
He hesitated, as if there was more he was going to say, but then just nodded. He stood and walked slowly to her side of the desk. “I hope you know how much I love you.” He took her hand and lifted her from her seat. He wrapped his arms around her.
“I know, Allen. I love you too.”
He held her, and she thought the embrace was to give her strength. But he held her for himself, knowing that if he didn’t change Nona’s mind, any day the truth would be told and then they would never again share moments like these.
eighteen
Nona couldn’t believe the transformation. Marcus Garvey Park glowed, even under the midmorning sun. Trees were filled with miniature golden lights, and gold garland was wrapped around their trunks. The Harlem park was like an elaborate movie set–which, Nona was sure, was exactly what Derrick wanted to achieve.
“Mom, look.” Kelly pointed at the massive trucks that blocked traffic on 124th Street.
Nona smiled at Kelly’s enthusiasm. It had been a week since their visit to Dr. Rutherford, and since then, Kelly had made every effort to return to the sweet girl that Nona remembered.
