Harlequin Special Edition November 2013 - Bundle 1 of 2

by Lilian Darcy

  He could do this. Everybody had to ease into having a first baby, so he’d have time to learn. And he had always wanted a kid or two. With Maria, they’d wanted two. They’d never gotten to the point of actually doing it, but they had talked about it.

  Now it was on the way and he needed to think about things like how much he could be there, and even how to change a diaper. Damn, to think that at his age he’d never done that. When his sisters came home, he was allowed to hold the babies, but the minute one needed changing or feeding, it was swiped from his arms. He guessed he’d been judged inadequate, being childless. Amusement twisted his mouth. That was about to change.

  Of course, what he might discover was that the major force in his family—the women—might take over for him. They’d certainly try, and he’d have more advice than a single man could use. Assuming, of course, that Edie allowed him to actually care for the child.

  Thinking about it, though, daunting as parts seemed, he felt a true longing for this child. An unexpected gift when he’d about given up on the whole idea. When he’d envisioned the rest of his life as solitary and self-contained except for his family.

  Damn, the truth was, he still wasn’t a civilian. Not completely. He was getting better at acting the part, but long years of training and dangerous experience had made him into something that didn’t quite fit with what most people considered ordinary life.

  But he could probably say the same for the woman napping beside him. They were both about to embark on the unknown, something for which neither of them had any training or experience to guide them.

  Maybe the most important thing they would ever do, when you came right down to it.

  She stirred beside him, but before he could look to see if she had awakened, she rolled over, murmuring softly, and threw her arm across him. The next thing he knew, her head was resting in the hollow of his shoulder.

  He almost held his breath, afraid of waking her. It had been so long since a woman had turned to him this way in her sleep and he didn’t want to lose these fragile moments. They could get back to distrusting, arguing, hammering things out later.

  For now he just wanted to enjoy the illusion created by a woman’s arm around him and a woman’s head on his shoulder.

  The illusion that he really wasn’t alone.

  * * *

  A chill down her back slowly woke Edie. She felt as if she were emerging from some deep, dark place that she couldn’t quite climb out of. But the chill wouldn’t leave her alone, and then she noticed that while her neck and back were cold, her front wasn’t.

  Huh?

  She jerked awake and realized she had wrapped herself around Seth. At once her cheeks flamed. “Oh! I’m sorry!”

  “I didn’t mind,” he said quietly.

  When she raised her head, she saw no smile there, no amusement, simply a kind of quietude.

  “I’m getting a little cold,” she said, resisting the ridiculous urge to just burrow into him again. He might be warm, but her back wasn’t, and how much more trouble did she want anyway?

  “Let’s get you home, then.”

  Home? she thought as she stood up. She didn’t have a home. He probably meant his house or his parents’ house, but either way it was not her home. For years now her home had been a series of rooms in various air bases, like moving motel to motel. It had been a long time since she had called any place home in a meaningful sense.

  She looked down at her stomach, rested her hand on her growing child and wondered why she hadn’t thought of that before. Did she want him to grow up rootless, moving from base to base, housing unit to housing unit? At least she’d had the stability of her grandmother’s house. The stability of never moving from the time she turned three until she left high school.

  That had to mean something.

  “Everything okay?” Seth asked. He had put the remains of lunch away in the bags and now folded the blanket. The shadows had grown long while she slept and the air had taken on a distinct chill.

  “No,” she said slowly. “Just thinking.”

  His expression was questioning, but she didn’t answer. She’d left a big piece out of this puzzle and she couldn’t ignore its absence any longer. Damn, did she need to leave her job, too?

  The thought didn’t cheer her at all. But, she reminded herself, there were plenty of military brats, after all. Apparently it wasn’t all bad.

  But still...

  The thought plagued her all the way back to town, and she realized that part of her wasn’t going to leave it alone. She had to think and make a decision, a decent decision. The best one she could for the baby.

  This whole pregnancy thing was eating her alive. But there it was. Real, growing, and soon to be a very-much-present baby with needs that couldn’t be provided through an umbilical cord.

  She kept her face averted, watching the countryside pass, watching the night creep over the world. What in the world had ever made her think she could be a good mother?

  Her emotions had roamed nearly the entire compass over the past few months, but now they had headed in an entirely different direction. After convincing herself she could do this, now uncertainty filled her.

  She lived like a gypsy and had since the day she left for officer training. She basically lived out of a duffel. She knew nothing about raising a child. Hell, she’d only changed a few diapers in her life, back in high school the few times she had babysat.

  “What exactly am I offering a child?” She didn’t realize the words had emerged until she heard Seth’s response.

  “A dedicated mother.”

  She swung her head around, aware that her eyes had grown hot—damn tears, always so near the surface now—and looked at him. “That’s not enough. Do I have to tell you how I live? Is that good for a kid? Is it?”

  He didn’t answer immediately, and with each passing second she felt as if another stone dropped into her heart. “I know military couples with kids. The love moves with them even if the place changes. And you know it’s basically a small community at heart. You change bases and meet up with people you knew from a base or two ago.”

  “Maybe. How would I know? I’m not living the family life. I’m not even sure I’m capable of it.”

  Another pause, then he said, “Like I said, everybody starts out utterly inexperienced. There’s no real preparation for being a parent. I think you know that. All the advice in the world isn’t the same as reality. So what’s really worrying you?”

  “That I’m rootless. You said you’d take me home, and I realized I haven’t had a home in a long time. Not a real home. Now I have to figure out how to make one. I’m not sure I know how.”

  “I could hand you some clichés, but that won’t work. I can totally get where you’re coming from. I tried a couple of times to make my own home, but I was gone more than I was there. After Maria, I even thought it might be a damn good thing that we hadn’t made a baby yet.”

  “And now look.” Her laugh was harsh. “You’re getting a baby ready or not. I thought I had it all settled. Damn it, Seth, there are a million things I didn’t even think about. Like not living out of my duffel anymore. That just won’t work. And even if I stay stateside, I can’t guarantee I won’t be bouncing around every couple of years. You know how that goes. Training squadron? Yeah, they’re based at one place now. That could change. And even so, there’d be temporary assignments, refreshers to take at other bases. Plenty of temporary duty assignments.”

  “I know.” She could tell he didn’t see the point in arguing against the obvious. “Well, I could step in.”

  “Yeah. I’ll bring the baby here, disrupt his life for a few months, then come back and disrupt it again. I’ve got to figure this out.”

  He didn’t argue.

  “My place or my parents’?” he asked as they reached the
edge of town.

  “Yours,” she said quietly. “I don’t think I’m up to your mother just now.”

  He laughed quietly. “She can be overwhelming.”

  “I like her, really. But I don’t want any pressure right now. Just my luck that she’d put her finger on the very things I’m worrying about.”

  “She can be good at that.”

  He turned onto his dimly lit street. “You can stay the night and take my bed. I’ll get some dinner for us, and we can just relax and chat about whatever you like. Or if you want, I have some books you can read. Do you want me to run over to my folks’ house to get your stuff?”

  “If you wouldn’t mind. I don’t want to insult them, but...”

  “I’ll just explain we need privacy to talk. No offense. Promise.”

  She hesitated as he put the car into Park. “Where will you sleep?”

  “On the floor. I’ve slept in places a whole lot worse, believe me.”

  She had no trouble believing it at all. She’d slept in a few herself. She felt briefly guilty about it then told herself to cut it out. He could stay with his parents if he didn’t want to sleep on the floor.

  She just knew she couldn’t go back there. Just her brief exposure had reminded her of a life she had never really known. As loving as her grandmother had been, it had still been life with an elderly person, no rambunctious siblings or cousins. Almost monastic in a way.

  Yeah, she was going to make one hell of a mother.

  Seth had a couple of relatively new easy chairs in his living room, signs of occupancy. He probably spent a lot of time here, and the extra chair indicated he sometimes had a friend or family member over.

  She settled into one, wondering if the internal wrestling match would ever be over. She thought she’d worked this all out, and now she was facing a new problem. Having a baby was a big deal. Having one when you were rootless was an even bigger deal.

  It was all well and good for her to consider her unit her home, the air force her community, but while that worked for an adult, she wasn’t so sure about a child.

  Seth had made a good point about how the love would travel with them wherever they went, but would that be enough? Just her and a baby? And those stints of temporary duty really worried her for the first time. How could she have not thought about them before?

  Because she still hadn’t really dealt with all the life changes that were coming. Much as she wanted to plan and prepare and be ready for everything, she hadn’t had time to consider every single thing yet. It felt as if new considerations just kept popping up.

  Like this one. She once again had been thinking in terms of fitting the baby into her life, not fitting her life around the baby. Stupid.

  A child would be utterly dependent on her for everything. It was not a matter of fitting this baby into her life, it had to be the other way around. It had to be.

  So maybe it was time to start thinking about that. Maybe her career was no longer a viable option.

  The thought sat like a lead weight in her stomach. What would she do? What kind of life could she build that she would love as much as the one she already had?

  Although if she were to be honest, some of the shine had come off that, especially lately when she saw her future narrowing. She hadn’t been picked for combat search and rescue, she had volunteered for it and sought it. Now that was gone.

  Which left what? Teaching others to do what she loved and always hankering to get back to it? Or something else? The problem was, she had never thought of doing something else. Since the day she had first heard of CSAR, it was all she had wanted to do.

  Of course, a realistic view of life would tell her that even without a baby those days were numbered. A great many pilots were removed from combat duty in their early thirties for a variety of reasons. Sooner or later, they would have yanked her back anyway.

  So it was just a little sooner. She’d cope, because she had to. But she admitted to herself that she was woefully unprepared to consider the question. It had always lurked somewhere in her future, but she hadn’t given it a thought anyway. It would have hit her like a ton of bricks regardless.

  She thought of other pilots she’d seen get the results of their flight physicals only to hear that some little quirk, a quirk that wasn’t causing problems, had showed up on the electrocardiograms. Or some other thing. It didn’t matter, it was always something minor that wouldn’t affect them in any important way, but they were no longer considered fit for combat flying. They could only fly trainers after that. She’d felt for them, but honestly hadn’t been able to imagine how much that would hurt. Until now. Now she felt it all the way to her soul.

  All of a sudden her future, which had steadily been shifting shape, now became one great big blank.

  * * *

  Of course, Seth thought as he picked up Edie’s belongings, everything was already neatly packed in her duffel. Nothing left out on bathroom counters, by the tub, beside the bed. Ready to go at an instant’s notice. He couldn’t help smiling crookedly as he saw it. How long had he lived the same way? Even during his marriages, that damn duffel had been there, ready to go.

  Big changes. He was beginning to sense what was troubling Edie. She hadn’t expected to face these changes for a while yet, but they were barreling down on her right now. He could sympathize, at least to some extent.

  After all, he’d opted to retire rather than take a training or desk assignment. Given his rank, it would have been mostly behind a desk. But he’d had time to make mental adjustments. He’d been making them for the last few years. Edie was trying to do it in a matter of months.

  “Why didn’t she come stay here?”

  Seth turned to see Marge in the doorway. “We need time, Mom. Private time, that’s all. We’ve got a lot to work out.”

  Marge bit her lower lip. “She does know she’s welcome?”

  “Of course she knows. She’s probably overwhelmed by the welcome. I think she expected to be turned away, not have an entire family laid at her feet.”

  Marge smiled a bit. “We can overwhelm, can’t we?”

  “I’m still getting used to it myself. Relax. We just need the time. Big changes and all that.”

  “I suppose. But, Seth, how can you be a single parent while you’re on active duty?”

  Seth bent and lifted the duffel. “You’d be surprised what people can do. Let us work it out, and don’t say things that might offend Edie.”

  “I’d never do that!”

  “Not intentionally. This woman is extremely competent. She’ll make the right decisions.”

  “They’d better include you.”

  “They already are.”

  With that he managed to escape the house. He could well understand why Edie didn’t want to come back. Marge was rushing her fences, full of questions and probably solutions. But Edie, and he, had to answer their own questions. Nobody else could make it right for both of them.

  He stopped at the diner and tried to pick up enough food to get them through morning. That kitchen of his wasn’t good for cooking yet, and he hadn’t gotten very many utensils. He threw in a big salad for good measure, figuring a pregnant woman needed healthy food. Then he hit the grocery fast for milk, crackers, cheese, fruit and some sweet rolls. Damn, he didn’t even know what Edie liked to eat.

  The learning curve was getting about as steep as his BUD/S training had been. That brought a grin to his lips. Another mountain to conquer, even if it was inside himself. He’d been facing down those mountains and cliffs for a long time. Challenge was a great thing.

  When he got back he found Edie sitting in a recliner with her feet up. Still wearing boots. He managed to hide his smile about that. She was ready to jump and go on a moment’s notice. He figured that he’d win a major victory the day he could get her to sit a
round here in stocking feet.

  She smiled faintly when she saw him. “Everything go okay?”

  “Mom was understanding, but I can tell you, you were right not to want to go back tonight. She wants to rush a bunch of solutions.”

  “She seems like someone who likes to solve problems.”

  “Must run in the family. Sorry I took so long, but I decided that given the baby I’d better buy some groceries, not just Maude’s food. I got some salad there, but stopped to pick up milk and a few other things for nibbles. Then it struck me I don’t even know what you like.”

  “I think we had this discussion. Life didn’t make me a picky eater.”

  He gave a laugh. “Me neither. But there are probably nutritional rules you need to be following.”

  “At the mess hall I don’t have to think about it much. Everything is there.”

  “Well, it’s not here, so you’ll have to guide me.” He turned. “I still need to bring in the groceries.” He dropped her duffel by the door. “At least I have a working fridge.”

  He returned to his vehicle and pulled out the cloth bags. Inside he found Edie in the kitchen now, ready to help him. She opened the fridge and started to laugh.

  “It’s pretty embarrassing,” he admitted.

  “A six-pack? You really don’t eat here.”

  “Not very often. I have a permanent dinner invitation with Mom and Dad, and sometimes my sisters step in.”

  “How many of them live here?”

  “Just two, Mary and Wendy. The rest are scattered over the country. Thanksgiving and Christmas bring the herd home.”

  “What do they do?” she asked as she helped move groceries into the refrigerator.

  “Mary’s a nurse at the hospital. She did a tour in the navy for a while, then with the VA. And Wendy is a flight nurse. She and her husband run our county emergency response team.” He paused. “I think you’d like her husband, Yuma. He flew Hueys in Vietnam and now he flies them for our emergency response team.”