Troll's Treasure

by Steven Butler

  ‘THIS IS A JUBBLY THING, INDEEDY!’ Clod shouted, clapping his hands. He charged across the deck, lifted Neville up and planted a soggy kiss on his head. ‘I never thought I’d see the likes of you again, lump.’

  ‘Dooda!’ Neville said, throwing his short arms as far as they would go round his dooda’s neck. ‘Is everyone OK?’

  ‘We’re just fine and bumbly,’ said Malaria. ‘Well … we are now that you’re ’ere, Nev.’

  ‘Well?’ Clod said, stamping his foot. ‘Where’d you get this rumbly old ship, Nev?’

  ‘IT’S MINE!’ a voice shouted.

  Clod stopped talking and turned to the troll wearing truccaneer clothes, plus elbow-length gloves and a string of pearls round her wrinkly old chicken neck.

  ‘You!’ said Clod, pointing a stumpy finger.

  ‘That’s right!’ Jaundice sneered, brandishing her cutlass. ‘ME!’

  The Betrayal

  Jaundice’s crew slowly closed in round Neville and his family, brandishing walking sticks and clubs made from bits of old scrap metal.

  Neville gulped. She can’t betray us yet, he thought. I haven’t even had time to tell Mooma and Dooda about Jaundice’s plan.

  ‘Welcome aboard the Rigor Mortis,’ the old gonker said with a sneer. ‘Sadly, you won’t be around to enjoy it for very long.’

  ‘What you bramblin’ on about?’ Malaria said.

  ‘SHUT UP!’ Jaundice barked. She pulled out a second deadly-looking sword and bared her teeth. The light from all the jam-jar lanterns glinted in her pointy spectacles and made her look demonic.

  ‘Please, Grandma Joan,’ Neville said, stumbling forward.

  ‘I’m NOT Joan!’ Jaundice growled.

  ‘But you promised,’ Neville said. ‘You promised you’d save the family.’

  ‘I did no such thing!’ Jaundice shrieked. ‘I said if you broke me out of jail, I’d show you how to get your parents back. I’ve done that much.’

  ‘But I helped you,’ Neville pleaded.

  ‘It ain’t my fault if you two were stupid enough to assist the tricksiest truccaneer there ever was.’

  ‘Oy,’ grunted Rubella.

  ‘And you can shut your rat-trap as well, you stonkin’ great chunker!’ Jaundice yelled at Rubella. ‘I don’t have time to stand and gossip with you bunch of worms. There’s a treasure to collect in Great Gurty’s belly.’

  ‘Yes, but –’

  ‘Yes, but nothin’! There’s your rotsome little family,’ said Jaundice, pointing at Clod and Malaria. ‘I’ve repaid the favour of being broken out of jail … but I still haven’t repaid the favour of BEING LOCKED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE! CHARGE!’

  Fight!

  All at once Jaundice’s crew hobbled into action. They swung on ropes from the yardarms and jumped down from the poop deck like an arthritic, crunching army.

  ‘Quick,’ Neville shouted to Rubella. ‘We’ve got to stop them!’

  ‘Right you are,’ Rubella said with a huge grin on her face. She was obviously very excited about a good brawl with a pack of truccaneers. She rolled up her sleeves again and leapt into the crowd, sending swashbunglers flying in all directions.

  ‘YOU’RE MINE, BOY!’ Jaundice yelled and stalked towards Neville. ‘Think you can lock up The Troll That Stole and get away with it?’

  Neville yelped and darted into the throng of fighting trolls.

  ‘TAKE THAT, YOU GURNIP!’ Clod bellowed over the din. Neville turned just in time to see his dooda lift Blister the deckhand and toss him overboard. ‘YOU LEAVE MY NEV ALONE!’

  ‘AAAAAAGGGHHH!’ Rubella had had enough and launched herself at Rickety Spleen. The troll-pirate stood there with a look of complete shock on his face as the troll-girl swung her fists and repeatedly boxed his head. ‘I HATE TRUCCANEERS … AND I HATE THIS SHIP … AND I HATE GUNDI– … GRUNDISKIMPY … GUNDER– … I HATE GIANT FISH … AND I HATE-HATE-HATE YOU!’

  Neville watched with a mixture of terror and delight. The truccaneer battle was now raging all around him.

  ‘THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR MESSIN’ WITH A BULCH!’ Malaria shouted, picking Spit and Bilge up at the same time and bowling them straight through the wall of Jaundice’s cabin.

  ‘Ha-haaaaaa!’ Neville jumped aside as Mumps shot past in his chair. The old troll made a swipe for him, but missed and rolled straight through the open trap door to the decks below with a loud CRASH.

  ‘WATCH OUT, NEV!’ Rubella screamed as she booted Old Barnacle in the backside. Neville turned and saw No-eyed Ebola running in his direction with sharpened walking sticks in both hands.

  ‘I know you’re here somewhere,’ Ebola yelled, running into the mast of the ship. ‘Aha … there you are!’ Then the blind troll started swinging and stabbing at the long column of wood with all his might. ‘TAKE THAT, BLOOD-GULPING BRISKET … AND THAT!’

  The scene before him was dizzying to take in. Neville ducked behind the pile of barrels and peeked out. He could see Lady Jaundice on the other side of the deck, stalking and sniffing the air.

  ‘WHERE ARE YOU?’ she bellowed. ‘COME OUT AND FACE ME, YOU LITTLE FOOZLE FART!’

  What was he going to do? Neville pressed himself as close to the barrels as he could and tried to think. They were on a boat. He couldn’t hide from Lady Jaundice forever. He was going to have to face her …

  Taking a deep breath and thinking of Captain Brilliant, Neville grabbed a discarded cutlass and stepped out from behind the barrels.

  ‘I’m here, JOAN!’ Neville screamed.

  Everyone froze.

  Lady Jaundice turned and faced Neville with a look of utter rage on her face.

  ‘DON’T call me Joan!’ she bellowed and ran towards him like a stampeding bull. ‘AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!’

  Neville quickly jumped on to No-eyed Ebola’s back.

  ‘Wha’s goin’ on?’ the troll shouted as Neville shimmied past his head and clambered up the mast. If Jaundice was going to grottle him, she’d have to catch him first.

  ‘Out of my way!’ Jaundice screamed, and shoved No-eyed Ebola aside. She grabbed hold of a rope that hung from the yardarm and started scrambling up the mast after Neville. ‘COME BACK, BOY!’

  ‘RUN, NEV!’ Clod shouted from the deck below.

  ‘Push her off!’ cried Rubella.

  Not daring to look down, Neville climbed as quickly as his spindly arms would allow. He could hear Jaundice grunting just below him and expected to feel her sandpapery hand clutch his ankle at any moment.

  ‘Keep going,’ he huffed to himself. ‘Don’t give up!’

  ‘YOU’VE NOWHERE TO GO!’ Jaundice cackled from behind. ‘I’VE GOT YOU NOW.’

  Neville broke out in a cold sweat. His gonker of a grandma was right. He reached the yardarm and crawled out on to it. Below, Neville could see the upturned faces of his family and the truccaneer crew and he was so high up it made him feel sick.

  ‘You’re done for, snot stain,’ Jaundice’s voice whispered from right behind him.

  Neville almost toppled off in surprise, but managed to regain his balance and then stood up, his feet and hands trembling wildly.

  ‘PREPARE TO DIE, NEVILLE BRISKET!’

  Neville turned and looked at Jaundice in all her terrible glory. She stood over him with her sword raised in the air and the glint of madness in her eyes.

  ‘GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!’

  Pong clattered through the crowd and clambered up the stairs to the poop deck. At the top, he waved to Neville, planted his little feet wide and started to swing something in circles above his head. Neville recognized it as his backpack. He’d dumped it on deck days ago and had completely forgotten about it.

  ‘GO ON, PONG!’ shouted Malaria. Then she turned to Clod and whispered, ‘The poor lump’s gone bunkers.’

  ‘OOOOOORRRRHHH!’ Pong cooed, then let go of Neville’s backpack, which flew straight towards Jaundice’s head. Everyone watched as the bag sailed through the air.

  Neville suddenly had a flashback of hurling Clod�
�s fishing-hook belt to trap Jaundice inside the ticker-dinger-thinger. Maybe … just maybe … the bag would hit her and send the old gonker tumbling into the –

  THWACK!

  Without even wobbling, Jaundice smacked Neville’s backpack in a high arc across the lagoon like a tennis player smashing the ball. Everyone on the deck below sighed in disappointment.

  ‘Ha ha!’ Jaundice laughed. ‘Pathetic.’

  Neville watched sadly as the bag flew higher and higher as if in slow motion. He saw his mum’s pack of baby-soft tissues fly out and fall forlornly into the water below. Then he saw the bottle of bleach tumble down, and the wet wipes, and a little tube of something blue – little tube of something blue? Marjorie’s Stink-be-gone spray!

  Before he even had time to hope that something might happen, the tiny spray-can hit the roof of Great Gurty’s mouth and smashed into hundreds of pieces.

  The Last Stand of Lady Jaundice

  ‘BLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!’

  Great Gurty suddenly shook, sending a huge wave across the lagoon.

  ‘Huh?’ Jaundice wobbled and grabbed at the Trolly Roger to keep from falling. ‘What’s goin’ on?’

  The Rigor Mortis lurched as another wave hit its side. Neville dropped to his knees and clung to the yardarm as tightly as he could.

  ‘What was that?’ Rubella shouted.

  ‘Did we win?’ mumbled No-Eyed Ebola to the mast.

  Old Barnacle, who had been thrown to the back of the ship in the fight, suddenly jumped to his rickety feet and yelled ‘SNEEZE AHOY!’

  ‘NOOOOOO!’ In an instant, Lady Jaundice forgot about killing Neville as panic spread across her papery face. She jumped down on deck in one great leap and landed with an almighty crunch of knees and ankles, and charged up the steps to the poop deck. ‘MY TREASURE!’

  Neville held his breath as Pong threw himself into Malaria’s arms below. He half expected Grandma Jaundice to tear Pong into little underling nuggets, but instead, she ran and grabbed the ship’s wheel.

  ‘WE’LL BE BLURTED OUT WITHOUT THE LOOT!’ Jaundice yelled to the remaining crew. ‘QUICK! WE HAVE TO GET DEEPER DOWN THE GULLET!’

  Deeper down the gullet? Neville jumped back to his feet.

  ‘Dooda!’ Neville shouted. ‘Catch!’

  ‘Yes, indeedy!’ Clod beamed as Neville dived off the yardarm. ‘Ooooommmfff!’ Clod caught Neville as easily as catching a soft ball.

  ‘We have to get out of here!’ Neville said.

  ‘What about ole knuckly knickers?’ said Malaria, pointing at Lady Jaundice.

  The crew had already manned the oars and were heaving the Rigor Mortis towards the darkest part of the throat.

  ‘The gonker’s bungled in the bonce!’ Rubella said, as she joined the rest of her family. ‘If we go down into the belly, we’ll never get out!’

  ‘Heave!’ Jaundice shouted to her crew. ‘Come on, you swashbunglers … THINK OF THE TREASURE!’

  ‘BBLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!’

  Great Gurty shook again. The wind had started to build up from somewhere above.

  ‘We don’t have long,’ Neville said, jumping down from Clod’s grip. ‘Stop her!’ He ran up the stairs to his grandma’s side at the helm.

  ‘KEEP GOIN’!’ Jaundice screamed over all the noise.

  Neville grabbed hold of Jaundice’s arm and tugged. Her pearl bracelet snapped, then rattled all over the deck as the ship rolled back and forth.

  ‘Grandma!’ Neville said desperately. ‘We’ll all be killed!’

  Jaundice wasn’t listening. She didn’t even notice Neville as he pulled and yanked at her stick-like arms. Her eyes were set forward like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a car and she muttered to herself continuously.

  ‘Think of the glory, m’honks!’ she boomed.

  ‘BBBLLUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!’

  There was an almighty WHOOMF and a wave higher than the crow’s nest flared up at the far side of the lagoon. Neville saw it and felt his heart jump up into his throat. This was pointless. If they were going to escape, they had to do it without Lady Jaundice.

  ‘Mooma, Dooda … the lifeboats!’ Neville screamed. He tore down the steps, three at a time, and sprinted to his family’s side. ‘We have to get off the ship!’

  ‘You’re the bossly, Nev,’ Clod said and ran to the nearest rowing boat that dangled from ropes at the side of the ship. ‘Everyone in!’

  ‘Ooooorrrrhhh!’ Pong sang with excitement. He stuck his tongue out at the approaching wave and laughed.

  ‘Jump in,’ Malaria called from her seat in the boat. ‘Home’s a-callin’.’

  Neville was the last to clamber over the railing and flop into the lifeboat.

  ‘We’ve got to cut the ropes,’ he said, looking to his troll-family for assistance.

  ‘Easy as stuffin’ chunkers up a chimney,’ Malaria said. ‘Go on, Pong.’

  Pong jumped up and bit through the rope in one great CHOMP. The boat wobbled as the ropes quickly unwound, then plummeted towards the water like a ride at the funfair. It hit the water and instantly bobbed away from the Rigor Mortis on the swelling current.

  ‘This is it!’ shouted Clod. ‘Brace yourselves!’

  The loudest ROAR Neville had ever heard sent the rickety little boat speeding back up the tunnels from whence it had come. Neville looked over his shoulder and saw his truccaneer grandmother, unwavering at the wheel, barking orders to her crew as her brambly hair flapped like the Trolly Roger in the wind and her pointy glasses winked in the lantern light.

  WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSHHH!

  Back into the narrow passage between Great Gurty’s throat and mouth they sped.

  CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSHHH!

  Past the mountainous mouth ulcer that was now almost completely submerged in water.

  SPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSHHH!

  Straight across the lagoon surrounded by teeth and out between the tree-length chompers like a bullet.

  Great Gurty had let rip the most belly-bungling sneeze ever, spitting the Bulches and Neville high into the air. The monstrous creature gnashed its teeth at the darkness and was instantly gone back beneath the waves.

  ‘Hold on!’ shouted Clod as the lifeboat reached the top of its sneeze-propelled flight and started to fall back to the water below. ‘Almost there!’

  Neville squeezed his eyes shut and held on to his dooda’s arm as if it was a life vest.

  Then, with one last splash, they hit the water. Neville opened his eyes, half expecting to see the boat splinter into hundreds of tiny pieces.

  ‘We’re out,’ Rubella said in a trembling voice.

  ‘Ha ha!’ Malaria laughed, throwing Pong into the air and catching him again. ‘WE DID IT!’

  ‘I did it,’ Rubella snapped, suddenly recovering from her shock.

  Neville rubbed his eyes. ‘What about Grandma Jaundice?’

  ‘I think we’ve seen the last of that old gonker,’ said Clod. He put an arm round Neville and hugged him close. ‘There’s no way she could have got out of that one. She was halfway down the gullet when that thing snoozled.’

  ‘Now,’ said Malaria. ‘I don’t suppose anyone has an oar lyin’ about somewhere?’

  Neville looked at his family …

  His family looked at him …

  Then all together they chorused …

  ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!’

  Home

  In the darkness of a Tuesday night, something wet slopped on to the tiles of the Brisket family’s bathroom.

  It was Neville.

  ‘Mum!’ Neville called, wriggling in the toilet water. He clambered to his feet and shook himself off. ‘I’m home!’

  Herbert walked into the bathroom and stopped in his tracks. Then he stepped carefully towards Neville and gasped. Marjorie walked in and joined him. ‘NEVILLE BRISKET, YOU’RE LATE!’ she barked. ‘You were only supposed to go down there for the weekend. It’s been nearly two weeks! What about schoo�
��’

  Marjorie’s sour, little mouth suddenly dropped open as she gawped at the little grey-green child, covered in toadstools and stinking of fish guts.

  ‘Well,’ said Neville after a long moment, ‘that was … fun.’

  As if by clockwork, Herbert and Marjorie both fainted.

  ‘Squibbly!’ said Neville and lowered the toilet seat.

  A Trollish Glossary

  ’Ello, grumplets. You’ve reached the end of the book, you brainy-bonkers, you. Now that you’re getting so goodly at speaking trollish, here’s a few more words to add to those whoppsy big brains of yours …

  Absolunkly Absolutely

  Bumly bits Your bottom

  Chomplet Bite

  Clonktopus A sea creature with a hundred arms

  the Clunk Lady Jaundice’s prison

  Delunktious Delicious

  Electric skrunts Fish that can shock and fizzle you

  Foobles Stories

  Frog grog A truccaneer’s favourite drink

  Glugulars Slimy sea creatures like eels

  Gnashers Teeth

  Great Gurty The biggest of all the gundiskumps

  Grottish Scary

  Grubberlumpin’ Telling big whoppsy lies

  Grumplet A little beauty

  Honourous Honourable

  Peepers Eyes

  Prawks Like prawns but with bigger teeth

  Prompty On time

  Rumpscallion A nasty, rotsome bad guy

  Sogsome Damp and squishy

  Spine-jangler Something very spooky

  Squiggers Enormous sea slugs

  Swashbunglers Troll pirates, crooks and thieves

  Swiggle Gulp

  Trollevator A troll elevator

  the Undersea A big, wetty underground ocean

  Yelpish Frightened

  Yonkers Ages

  Here’s a few belly-bungling jokies to put you in a chirpish-type mood …