Perfectly Loved

by Lacey Silks

  “It looks expensive. I haven’t seen you wear it before.”

  “The price doesn’t matter to me. It’s just special. I don’t know why, but it is.” She pulled in a sniffle, her eyes glistening over.

  “How many homes have you gone through?”

  “I stopped counting after the first five. Don’t get me wrong, the third one was a really good family, but my parents decided they would try to get me back.” She shook her head. “I wished they never came. I ended up with them for three days, and called the cops when my mother threatened to kill me if I told my father that she had another man in the house. She’d changed so much since I’d seen her a year earlier. She was different. Sadder. She was drunk that day. Besides, he knew she slept around, so I don’t know why she’d make the threat. Probably because she wasn’t well. By that time, the good family I was with got another foster kid. And so once again my mother was the reason I was robbed of a home.”

  She tucked the necklace underneath her shirt. For someone who held a grudge against her mother, Millie still went out of the way to hold on to a piece of her. But who was I to understand her painful past?

  “Well, I know we can’t give you all those years back, but you have a home now.”

  “Not yet.”

  “Okay, by tonight you will.” I smiled. “Come on, let’s get the chips ready for the party.”

  It would be just the family: me, my sister and brother, and our dad. We didn’t have much, but we’d celebrate Millie’s addition the best way we knew how.

  A few signatures later that afternoon, my father had officially become Millie’s legal guardian, three short weeks after I’d met her. It helped that he was a well-respected man in our community, and as a forensic pathologist, he knew the most important people in town. But it all came down to Millie’s decision whether she wanted to stay with us. She held back the tears as she told the judge we were the ones she wanted. I felt a lump in my throat as well. Our gazes connected at that moment, and something special passed between us. I’d hold onto that feeling for a long time. It was one of the few occasions when I’d done something for Millie and it wasn’t ruined.

  “I have a sister!” April screamed, and hugged Millie outside the court. The two of them had become inseparable. Millie taught my sister how to weave hats from straw and how to make a good meal out of almost nothing. She made April taste dog food, which she swore was healthier than some human food. The two of them would bring home stray kittens, hide them under their beds, feed them, and then find adoptive families.

  And all this time, I’d kept my distance. I didn’t want her to be afraid she’d lose this home. Why had I kissed her that time? I shouldn’t have. Now that she was officially my sister, I couldn’t. It didn’t matter that we weren’t blood-related.

  Think of her as April.

  The evening we became an official family, I sat on the dock by our pond, throwing stones. We’d finished the dishes, my dad was enjoying a beer, and Justin was doing push-ups in the back yard. The smell of burning wood permeated the air as the girls lit the fire pit, getting hot dogs and marshmallows ready. I leaned back in the chair to see the first few stars come out. It was a successful day, but still didn’t feel complete. While I’d become much closer with Millie and much more than just a friend, there was a line drawn now — one I couldn’t cross.

  “You really like the stars a lot, don’t you?” Millie’s voice rang from behind me. I pulled the chair next to me closer and motioned for her to have a seat.

  “Something about the universe fascinates me.”

  “Like, it’s complicated?”

  “No. Like how we end up lucky enough to be here, right in the middle of all the stars, planets, and galaxies. How is it that out of all the billions of people in the world, I get to run into the most intriguing one?” I reached over, brushed my hand over her cheek and kept it there. She finally covered it with hers and brought it down.

  “Dave, I like you. A lot, actually. And I’ll forever be grateful for what you’ve done for me. But I can’t ruin this.” She looked back to the house and my family she was now part of. “So if you’re having any kinds of thoughts about me beyond being your adoptive sister, you need to stop. I’m… I’m not worth it.”

  I lowered my hand away from her face.

  “I’ll stop, but only because I respect you. Not for any other reason, ever. Because you’re worth way more than all the families who failed you, or those assholes who slipped through the system and were allowed to collect money, your money. They did nothing for you. So please know that you’re worth it. You’re worth everything. Do you understand?”

  She nodded.

  I felt my body shake and my chest vibrate. I didn’t understand where the anger came from. Maybe from seeing how fortunate I’d been and how someone like Millie, a good-hearted girl, had gotten the short straw each time she drew.

  “So, is it okay if I think of you as my brother?” she asked.

  Brother? Seriously? But if that’s what it took to make Millie mine, if that’s what it took for her to trust me completely, that’s what I’d do. Siblings – that’s all we would be for the next few months. However, even I had a limit of how long I could wait; and unfortunately, I’d break our agreement quicker than I should have.

  Chapter 7

  Millie

  “Momma, Momma, wake up.” I shook her. A band was wrapped around her arm. She’d left a needle on the table, and I threw it in the garbage can.

  “He left us,” she mumbled. “He left us.”

  “That’s okay, Momma. You have me.”

  She sat up on the couch, her body swaying from side to side as she patted her belly. “It will be you, me, and a little brother soon. We’ll need to find more money.”

  “Okay, Momma. I’ll go help Mr. Hoppler some more.” I was old enough now to sort the bad fruit from the good fruit at the back of his store. Which was great because the bad fruit wasn’t really that bad, and Mr. Hoppler always let me take some home for Momma and me and the baby in her tummy. And when I worked, he let me eat until my stomach was full.

  She pinched my cheek. “You won’t leave me too, will you?” she asked.

  “No, Momma.”

  “Because they’ll try to take you. You and Timothy. And if they do, I won’t have anyone left.”

  “No one will take us, Momma.”

  She looked at her watch. “Go play outside for a while, will you? Momma’s friend is coming over.”

  “Is it Mr. Rockston?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “Mr. Samuel?”

  “No.”

  “Mr. Gavin?”

  “No, honey. This is a new friend and he has more work for Momma, so we’ll need some privacy. You don’t come back until I call you, you hear me?”

  I stayed out for two hours, but when I returned to the trailer, it was still swaying back and forth, so I left to check the garbage by the local mart. On Wednesdays, they threw out expired bread. My stomach didn’t mind expired food at all. When I returned home, I tucked the blanket over Momma and threw out the trash. I gave her a sandwich I’d found by the dumpster. She needed it more than me because she was eating for two.

  Present time

  When I returned downstairs, Dave and Mrs. Bowers were sitting in the family living room, drinking tea. A third cup was on the table. Dave’s smile faded when he saw me in the doorway.

  “Millie? What’s wrong?”

  “You said you didn’t have any kids.” I walked over to Mrs. Bowers. “I found this in the attic. It was on the floor when I moved one of the boxes. Is this girl your daughter? And if she is, why… why would you say you didn’t have kids?”

  She took the picture into her shaky hand. She stared at it for a long moment, and I wondered whether bringing it down was a good idea. What if the little girl had passed away? Crap! Maybe I should have left it alone, but I couldn’t, and I didn’t quite understand why.

  “Mrs. Bowers?” Dave asked. “Are you all rig
ht?”

  “Yes… it’s just been a while since I thought about her.”

  “You had a daughter?” he asked.

  “Yes. We did. It seems like so long ago.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything?” I asked.

  “Because staying quiet was easier than admitting that the only child you had wished you dead.” Sadness and regret filled her eyes.

  “What do you mean?”

  A tear rolled down her cheek. Oh, no! I took her frail hand into mine and said the words she couldn’t. “Your daughter is still alive, isn’t she?”

  She nodded and then her face went cold just as fast.

  “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” I whispered. “But if there’s a way to reconcile—”

  “No. There’s no way. A child who holds a pillow over their mother’s face is a monster.”

  “She tried to kill you?” Dave scooted closer and handed Mrs. Bowers a tissue. “What happened?”

  “I have no clue where she is, and it’s better that way. You’re the only real family Tim and I ever had. I’d never thought that strangers could be closer than blood relatives, but it’s true. I don’t know where we went wrong with our own child.” She shook her head. “We tried to get her back, but she fell in with the wrong crowd. She found some guy – he was much older than her – and he messed with her head. He stole our Katie, and there was nothing we could do about it.”

  “Do you know where she is right now?”

  “Behind bars? In an alley somewhere injecting heroin into her veins, maybe? I don’t know. The last I heard, she was in a homeless shelter for abused women, and that was at least ten years ago.”

  “Would you want me to find her and take you to see her? Would you want me to bring her here?”

  “Hell, no! Millie, we tried so many times. She threatened she’d kill me if I ever got in touch with her. All I can hope for is that she’s happy with her choices. I’m an old woman. I have no strength for chasing people who don’t want to be found.” She stood up and paced to the kitchen. “I just want to be left alone. You should leave now.”

  She waved her hand at us as if the gesture would somehow force us out the door.

  “Mrs. Bowers. I’m sorry.”

  “This isn’t your fault, Millie. I… I just need to rest.”

  I felt the guilt eat at me from the inside. This always happened to those I cared about. Mrs. Bowers was a pain in the butt sometimes, but she meant well, and despite our bickering, I’d become very fond of her. I should have minded my own business.

  “Are you sure you’ll be okay?” I asked again, feeling more uncomfortable the longer I stood in the same spot.

  “I’m fine. You two say hello to your father for Thanksgiving, will ya?”

  “Yes, of course. You call if you need anything.”

  “I’ll make sure to turn on my SOS machine and send you some Morse code.”

  That’s right. The stubborn Mrs. Bowers didn’t own a phone. Or maybe she didn’t have enough retirement money to pay for one? I wasn’t blind. I knew she survived on the bare minimum, and while she’d never ask for help, I had no doubt that she needed it. I wanted to say that we’d check up on her soon, but I was afraid she’d chew my head off, so we said our goodbyes, got in the car, and left.

  “What do you make of that?” I asked Dave.

  “I don’t know.” He was in deep thought as he drove back to the city. “I can’t believe she never said anything.”

  “Right? It wasn’t just me, was it?”

  “No, of course not. That was the weirdest conversation ever. You think her daughter is alive?”

  “I don’t know, but if what she said about her is half true, I don’t think I’d like to meet her.” After a moment, I added. “Maybe we should let it be?”

  “Well, that’s the smartest thing you’ve said today, pancake.” Dave’s grip tightened around the wheel, and I wondered what he was thinking. For the first time since that morning, I remembered the reason we’d come here and spent the afternoon away from the city, and I got the chills again.

  “Want to come over for dinner?” Dave asked, just as I tensed up again.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why not?”

  “Well, aren’t you afraid Gwen may think there’s more going on here?” I wiggled my finger between us.

  “Is there, sweetheart?”

  “No, of course not.” I gave him my automatic answer, yet couldn’t help but feel my heart hammer in my chest. Those few hours at the Bowers’ farm felt like the wonderful old times we’d never have again. “But I do need to pick up my purse from your house.”

  “Okay, so that’s where we’ll go, then.”

  “Okay.”

  I leaned back in the seat, my thoughts drifting back to Mrs. Bowers. It made me sad, knowing she’d be spending Thanksgiving by herself – more so now than before because I knew that she’d lost a family member. But was her daughter family, since they hadn’t seen each other in so long? What was the definition of a family? Me with the Mayers? Even though we weren’t blood related, they felt like the only true family I’d ever had.

  When we got back to Dave’s house, Gwen’s car was parked in the driveway right beside mine, except a few inches closer to the building, as if staking its claim. Warily, I followed him inside as he greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. Feeling like an intruder, I rushed upstairs and got my purse. As I hurried through the upstairs hallway, I overheard their conversation.

  “Gwen, we’re just friends.”

  “If friends looked at each other the way you two do, then I don’t want you to be friends.”

  What?

  “Look, nothing’s going on. You can either believe it or not.”

  If it were me listening to Dave, I wouldn’t have believed him either. He wasn’t even trying to be convincing.

  “When guys look at me that way at work, I give them the finger. I can tell they want to fuck me.” Gwen was definitely not the perfect angel I’d thought she was. While I felt bad for Dave, I also couldn’t help but smile.

  “I have guys lining up at my office.” She snapped her fingers. “Do you know how many times I get asked out each week?”

  If she was trying to make Dave jealous, she was taking the wrong approach. Ms. Perfect was turning out to be a ho wrapped in a pms’ing bitch when provoked. Dave just kept quiet, but I could almost feel him boiling on the inside. Was he holding back for my benefit? No, Dave was just a kind guy, and sometimes respected those who didn’t deserve it.

  “I don’t like this,” she hissed.

  “Well, deal with it.”

  Whoa! Dave had balls. Well, I already knew that.

  Go, Dave!

  “Well, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the police station to file a restraining order,” he said.

  Please don’t tell her why.

  Feeling guilty for eavesdropping so long, I coughed and stepped more heavily to make sure they heard me as I made my way down. Gwen pasted on a fake smile, and I sure returned one to her. Geez, the tension in this room could feed the world ten times over. I tiptoed toward the hallway, waving at them both.

  “Listen, if I don’t see you, Happy Thanksgiving,” I said.

  “Happy Thanksgiving,” Dave mumbled.

  “It was nice meeting you.” Gwen showed her pearly whites.

  Argh! As if! I knew she didn’t like me. Why play a game of pretend? I had the urge to tell her exactly what I thought of her, but that would give Dave the wrong idea.

  “Same here, Gwen,” I replied to her forced smile, and headed for the door. Dave caught up to me and took me in his arms for a hug.

  “What are you doing? She’ll be mad.”

  “I don’t care. I’m not going to stop hugging you, Millie. Ever.”

  Did he remember that from our promise? A tight squeeze later, much more affectionate than I was used to from Dave, I left. As I reached for the handle to my car, I felt Dave�
��s hand over mine. I didn’t realize he had followed me out.

  “If you need anything, and I mean anything, even just to sit silently on the phone with someone, I’m here for you.”

  I turned around to face him. “Thank you, Dave. I mean it. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for you. Thank you for always being there, no matter how many times I push you away.”

  “I’ll always be there.”

  A moment of awkward silence later, he lifted his gaze and mesmerized me with those beautiful eyes of his. “I know you overheard us, Millie. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I’m the other woman to her. I understand.” My back was pressed against the car, and if Dave stepped any closer, our fronts would be touching. Warmth swooshed through my belly, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like giving in. I wanted to be lost to his lips and his touch. I didn’t want to be that other woman – I wanted to be the woman. While I could never forget my past, I wanted to pretend that it didn’t exist, if only for few seconds. But keeping the shield up was for the best. It was the only way to keep both of us safe.

  “No, it’s not okay. And you’re not the other woman.”

  “You’re right, Dave. We’re not friends. We’re much more than that.”

  Confusion spread across his face, but if he knew me well enough, then he should have known what I’d say next.

  “We’re family. And you’re the best older brother I never had.”

  He grabbed with both arms and held me tightly. The full length of my body pressed against him, reminding me that he in fact was a man, and in no way to be thought of as a brother.

  “Well, you sure know how to put a damper on a guy’s hope.”

  “You shouldn’t have hope, Dave. I don’t want to give you the wrong idea.”

  “Millie, I’m here, with you, because I want to prove something more to myself than you.”