Merciful Vows: A Bittersweet Second Chance Romantic Suspense (The Giannotti World Book 1)

by Vanessa Luisa

  A numbness overtakes my right foot as I touch on the brakes and park in Helena’s driveway. The dry orange leaves will crush under my feet the moment I step out and by that time the numb sensation will subside. What won’t settle is my regret of not pouring myself two fingers of scotch before driving. It would have settled my mind right about now.

  If I didn’t have the kids, I would have.

  The roses in the passenger seat grip me. I stare and stare until I am transported into a new wave of bleakness. Swirls of red cloud my vision and just like that, I’m back to that dreaded night in April, the one that marked a full month without Addilyn. The one that slaughtered every chance of being a complete family again. The one that ruined me completely.

  It was on darn April Fools, yet the events swallowing us whole couldn’t have been any more real. I remember it so vividly. How I stepped into our timeless home with one thought in mind—making everything right between Valencia and me. We were at the point of doom. The one where if we didn’t fix things then, we would only continue to break. Roses in hand, I knew they wouldn’t be enough to fix it all, but it could be the beginning of something.

  Then I saw her wedding ring set on the dining room table, alongside two tall glasses of red, and…I knew.

  Valencia’s face said it all.

  The tears wouldn’t stop streaming down her cheeks and within that moment nothing would ever be the same. I was too late to fix everything between us, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t suspect it.

  It was my fault. My lost ability to grasp hope and my screwed up reasoning that I couldn’t escape. I didn’t believe Addilyn was alive and I still don’t. Valencia does and ultimately it’s led us to a lack of communication and a lack of love. We could be in the same room together and not mutter a single word. Whenever we were forced to, our words soon turned to rage.

  No words needed to be said that night as the roses fell by my derby shoes. It’s been that way ever since. We haven’t been the same people since our baby was taken from us. It’s destroyed me. Ruined me. Killed me.

  That night…Dio.

  My heart split in half and when she turned my way, one single glance was enough to bear witness to the strings in her own heart snap. Separation. Equal custody. We can’t do this anymore. They all meant the same thing in the end—a life without her. A life without us.

  Neither of us wanted to do it but we couldn’t continue living like we were. It needed to be done for the greater good—our children. It was why I didn’t retaliate. Why after our decision I slipped off my own wedding band, along with the nearing seven years of our history.

  A godforsaken silence emerged between us. I remember it feeling as though a wall had been raised between us. I couldn’t get through to her nor could she get through to me. Just like ghosts in the night, Valencia went off to our bedroom and I remember standing in the kitchen feeling everything and nothing.

  I remember the first tear slip.

  I remember throwing the rings against the wall in agony.

  I recall the bourbon.

  The sleepless nights.

  My father’s voice ringing in my ears, telling me how weak I was. I couldn’t get him out of my mind, no matter how hard I tried and despite him being dead for almost eleven years.

  Now, it’s my own children’s voices that call me. They tell me to unlock the doors because they can see their Aunt Helena and their two cousins, but my entire body is so tense that I can’t fucking reach the button. I’m engulfed in numbness. I cannot move.

  My chest tightens and every breath seems like a year. When I glance down at the roses now, a knot lodges in my throat. One that can’t be freed no matter how hard I swallow. I see these roses and I’m the nine-year-old boy letting them fall loose over my mother’s casket. I’m the twenty-five-year-old groom with the flower neatly pinned to my suit pocket, prepared to devote my life to Valencia Leitner. I’m the thirty-two-year-old man honoring the abridged life of my dear Addilyn.

  Gripping these roses, I’m lost.

  Valencia

  “When was the last time you felt alive?” Dr. Michael Eross asks, peering over at me.

  His navy glasses are positioned on top of his salt and pepper comb back. There is a softness in his stare and I wonder if it’s because I broke down at his last question.

  I wipe away the last of my tears. “I have no idea, Michael.”

  “When tragedy strikes a part of the brain seeks to shelter and protect. We often forget all about the good and focus on desolation instead. But goodness is still there. Dig deep, Valencia.”

  Dig deep.

  That eerie night in March burns through the back of my head at its every memory. If I close my eyes hard enough, the embers are in sight. A glowing flash of auburn crosses in a millisecond. All the pain, glory, and fear is there. Rumbling. Set alight. Elusive. Then, just like that, the fire is replaced by pure darkness. Nothing but numbness overtakes my body. I cannot feel. I cannot breathe. I cannot simply be me.

  “I feel alive when I’m with my children. But I haven’t felt…entirely alive since I had my entire family together.”

  “Is Giulio included in that picture?”

  My gaze falls to my left hand. Holy hell. I thought I could deal with this.

  When I look up, my therapist fades and I have to blink twice to comprehend if this is reality or just another fantasy.

  There he is.

  The man who used to be my everything, Giulio Giannotti, sits adjacent to me. He leans back in the lavish jade armchair, his broad shoulders expanding as his forearms lean on the armrests. Giulio is irresistibly handsome with that slow, sexy smile and in that tailored navy suit, just like the one he wore when he proposed.

  “Do you still want me, Valencia?” My name is pure velvet on his tongue.

  This has to be a fantasy. Giulio cannot be crashing my therapy session!

  My mouth parts to speak but there are no words. His alluring gray-blue eyes hold me in a trance, rendering me incapable of seeing anything else but him. The promise held within his eyes takes me back to a time where it was just us. Where we were wholesome and nothing could ever break us.

  It’s not enough when Giulio kneels in front of me and his hands slither through my chestnut waves. A part of me wants more. Needs more. It yearns for him to scrunch up the ends of my hair and scoop me into his arms. To simply kiss me hard and tell me I’m his.

  The other part is wary and broken. It advises him to stay clear. To leave me alone forever. That he will never be the one to convince me we’ll make it out of this alive.

  The devil’s advocate tears at my subconscious. We’ll never be the same again. Only tantalizing distractions laced with barriers exist between us now.

  “Do you still want me?” Giulio’s smile is gone now, yet the sparkle in his eyes remains. Unease grows in my core as I spare an extra second to take him in as a whole. A broken man who has lost it all…just like me.

  “You’re not good for me, Giulio.”

  “No, darling. We’re not good for each other,” he whispers, his voice both rich and warm. “No matter how hard we try, even if one day our hearts tell us there’s another chance, we’ll always be broken.

  “I—”

  “Goodbye, Lencia.”

  “WAIT!” I reach forward but all I’m met with is my glass of water on the coffee table. Heavy breaths greet me and I’m left staring into the space Giulio was only moments ago.

  We’re not good for each other.

  “Valencia…it’s okay, you just had another vision.” My therapist says, but I’m so mortified I can’t even look him straight in the eyes. “Have you been taking your medication?”

  I nod. “Sorry. He…Giulio is included in that picture, but the people we once were. The way we are now…the lives we lead…it crushes everything we once believed to be true for ourselves.”

  “It’s normal to want someone we once could grasp so easily. It means the person was important to us. Perhaps, still is. Gi
ulio will always be a part of your life. You have two beautiful children to look after with equal custody…” He pauses for a moment to hand me a ripped sheet from his notepad. I ward against it, but for a second I want to correct him on the fact that we have three children. Three, because Addilyn is still out there. “Valencia, this is something I would like you to work on in preparation for our next session.”

  Reluctantly, I glance down.

  I, Valencia Giannotti, will maintain amicable behavior with Giulio Giannotti from here on forth. There will be no arguments. I promise to take time with Giulio to privately sit down and tell him exactly how I feel at this current stage of my journey.

  Signed by:

  Date: September _____, 2016

  “This is to be signed before next week’s session. Now, is there anything you would like to add prior to concluding?”

  Yes. Tell him. My blood sears in my veins at the very thought. Six months into therapy and I still can’t quite grasp the concept of being vulnerable in front of a stranger.

  “No. That’s all for today.”

  “I’m more than happy to go over time if you need to…”

  “Thank you, but I’m okay for now.”

  If only it were the truth…

  Giulio and I have entered the pits of purgatory. Our torches have been snuffed and only cruel darkness follows. Every single day for the past six months since Addilyn’s disappearance, I pray for her every breath. I still feel her warmth give life to my heart, just like when the midwife laid her on my chest for the first time.

  When I exit the building, I notice a text from my sister.

  Helena: Sorry, I know you’re at therapy but it’s important. Text me when you can.

  Seattle’s cool, refreshing air has me buttoning up my trench coat. My boots slam against the concrete as I cross the road in a jog. I’m about to reply when a mother pushing a baby in a dusty pink stroller pulls my attention. I grin at the baby girl whose eyes soften in adoration. Deep unforgettable wounds cloud my every step away from them.

  That could have been Addilyn and me.

  Valencia: Hi honey, is everything okay?

  Helena: Oh, you’re out already?

  Valencia: Yes. You best believe I’m at your service!

  Helena: Serving me is exactly what you were born to do! Haha! Anyway, it’s a long story but Ben’s parents invited me over for dinner. I’m on my way now with my kids, but felt bad to leave you on a night like tonight, so…I asked Giulio and the twins to come over to keep you company.

  I’m hoping I didn’t see that last part correctly…but I did.

  Facing Giulio is the last thing I want tonight. I’ve spent the entire day calming myself down from the overbearing weight inside me. I thought that perhaps therapy could stabilize me, now with the news of Giulio coming…well, it deflates me.

  Valencia: Send them all my love. It’s been so long since I have seen them! I appreciate it, however, you didn’t need to invite him. I would have been okay on my own…

  I slip inside my white Jeep SUV just as a thought strings in my head.

  Valencia: P.S. I hope you’re not texting and driving. Tsk…tsk…tsk….

  Helena’s name flashes on my screen. Just as I thought!

  I answer with a slight smirk. “Hmmm. So I did catch you red-handed, didn’t I?”

  “Oh, shut up!” She laughs. “I was dictating while Weston was typing. You know teenagers and their ability to win the fastest text championships. If there was such a thing, Weston would receive an F for all the abbreviations he thought he could put in them. Boy, who do you think you’re texting? Trying to crack the Da Vinci code or something?”

  “Mom, stop!” Weston groans in the background.

  I smile at my godson’s ability to always cut short his mother’s sarcasm. He was so wise at times, he seemed eleven going on twenty-one.

  “Don’t worry. I’ve got your back, champ. Your mom can be a little excessive at times, can’t she?” I tease.

  “Yeah, tell me about it!”

  Helena gasps dramatically. “Hey, I’m right here and I am loving all the attention, but still…”

  Our laugher feels refreshing.

  I send virtual hugs to both Weston and Daisy before asking Helena if she was serious about Giulio coming over. The first indication that it isn’t a joke is her silence. This woman always speaks, even in her sleep when we were kids. And as much as I love her for it, there are times I search for a remote to mute her.

  “You and I were supposed to have a quiet night in, right? I thought maybe if you had the kids over instead it wouldn’t make tonight so hard. I’m sorry, lovely, I should have asked first.”

  “Don’t apologize, honey. Of course I want to see my kids.” There is nothing more I want in this world. “It’s alright; I’ll face him. Just don’t feel bad, okay?”

  “Okay. Well, Giulio was already cooking when we left—Daisy, please don’t mess up your hair!—Valencia? Sorry. They are driving me insane—NO! You didn’t just throw my Ray-Bans OUT THE WINDOW! GIRL, IT’S NOT FUNNY!—ahh, now I have to turn back. Lencia? Sorry again. Um, what was I saying?”

  I can’t help but smile. Helena’s strength to continuously put on a brave face for her two children as a widow and successful travel agent always inspires me, especially in times of havoc like right now.

  “God, I love you! Don’t worry, I’ll let you go.”

  “Love you too. Please pray a car hasn’t gone over my sunglasses. They’re vintage!”

  The delightful whiff of basil and fresh sauce welcomes me into my sister’s midcentury modern house—it’s been home for me ever since the separation. We split all the grocery and utility bills in half, even though Helena threatens to kick me out if I pay them. She hasn’t yet! Helena says she has it all covered, but paying my portion for me and my twins when I have custody is the least I can do.

  I couldn’t stay in the house Giulio and I once called home after the abduction.

  Even during a separation, there are aspects of oneself only a woman’s husband can detect. Like the small differences in my movements or the feelings expressed with the eyes alone. Tonight, I fear that a part of me will give Giulio too much. I fear I’ll appear vulnerable and even though I am, because of what today signifies, I don’t want him to see that.

  Giulio is my beautiful undoing.

  I met him the day I turned twenty-one. We were married with twins before my next birthday. October fourteenth will mark seven years since we first laid eyes on each other. He knows everything about me, so it’s hard to shy away from how I truly feel when he knows me so well.

  You cannot hide from your best friend.

  In the bright mudroom, my hazel eyes travel down to my Levi jeans and worn out gray sweater. I’ve seen dozens of women exit therapy doors with cashmere blouses, new season slacks, and superficial smiles. Their hair glows in high buns or sleek fresh blowouts. Mine retains its long wave style 365 days of the year. I’m not like them.

  “Mommy’s here!” Oscar and Slonne cheer from the hall, their small feet thumping against the whitewash floorboards. My six-year-olds come into view—grinning first graders as of today. I swear they grow tremendously in the three and a half days a week they’re with Giulio.

  “Hello, my angels! Look at you both!”

  Their embrace draws me back to my therapist and that dreaded crumbled paper tucked into my back pocket, simply waiting to be peeled out and signed.

  “Daddy said you were at a doctor. Are you sick?”

  “No. I’m not sick, darling.” I slither my hand through Slonne’s soft brunette hair. “He’s a different type of doctor who helps me with my problems, just like Melanie helps you and your brother. That’s where I was up until now. So, how was your first day back to school?”

  “It was good. I loved it!”

  Oscar rolls his eyes at his sister’s optimism. “She’s lying. It was so boring.”

  “Am not.” Slonne’s smirk is the spitting image of her fathe
r’s. “I’m smart. That’s why I like it.”

  “Don’t make me tell on you!”

  “I have no secrets!”

  “Yeah, you do…”

  “Don’t.” Slonne instantly deflates at her brother’s arched eyebrow. “Don’t you dare tell on me.”

  “You’re both equally intelligent.” I kiss their foreheads, idly glancing between them in awe. “So, Slonne’s got a secret, huh?”

  “Yep. She got married.”

  “Did not. He is my friend!”

  “He kissed her on the cheek!”

  There’s a pause and then, “Is that so?”

  Him.

  I know that soothing, deep husky voice. How can I not? It’s the same voice that used to comfort my every fear, a voice I could have listened to forever. Now…hearing it whirls me in a pit of angst.

  Giulio’s playful tone towards Slonne has her smiling awkwardly. “Uh…yes.”

  “A boy kissed you?’

  “Only on the cheek, Daddy! Then he told me he loved me.”

  “Come here, carina.” His body shifts in my periphery until he’s crouched down beside our daughter. I’m still incapable of glancing over. “Come here so Daddy can tell you something.”

  It weighs on me that if Addilyn were with us today, we would have never had a falling out. Our marriage would be stable. I would be able to look him in the eye without any reminders.

  You can do this, Valencia.

  Slonne steps forward and gives Oscar an evil eye.

  It’s only when Giulio wraps her in the solace of his arms that I look at him. His black hair is slicked black perfectly and his signature short stubble makes my heart swell. I’m a sucker for stubble. Giulio is elegantly dressed like the dapper gentleman he’s always been. A crisp white dress shirt with a couple of buttons undone brings out his eyes. He wears charcoal slacks and his signature pointed Italian black leather shoes. His sleeves are rolled to his forearms, exposing his Rolex and that beautiful olive skin.