Escape Velocity

by Jess Anastasi

  “Elliot and I were trying to get pregnant. We were going to start a family.” A sad smile appeared for a brief moment. “He wanted to have a boy, and name it after you.”

  All the air left his lungs, like everything breathable had been sucked out of the atmosphere. If Sacha had punched him, it would have felt exactly the same way. The raw shock must have shown in his expression, because she backed up a large step, ripping her gaze from his.

  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that. Obviously I need to shut my mouth and go to bed. I’m on early shift, so I’ll try not to wake you if you’re still sleeping when I get up.”

  He couldn’t find any words, instead just watched as she hurried across the small sitting area and shut herself in her room.

  Kai’s arms gave up and he dropped the blankets on top of the ottoman. Then his knees went the same way and he sat heavily on the edge of the couch.

  Jesus…goddamn.

  Sacha and Elliot had planned to have kids…and they’d talked about naming one after him. It hadn’t happened obviously, but knowing that just made him feel a whole lot worse. He didn’t want to feel guilty about kissing her, about wanting her. It didn’t feel wrong, it felt so right.

  He hated that Elliot had been killed. But in direct, aching contrast to that, he’d never been more relieved for anything in his life.

  Which makes you a damned bastard.

  He shoved the thought down and away, locking it up with all the other things he couldn’t face yet.

  The idea of being with her soothed the fractured pieces of his soul. Made him feel like it didn’t matter if he was broken, if he wasn’t the same man any longer…if he didn’t get his goddamn command back from Emmanuel.

  A quiet, cynical laugh escaped him. He didn’t even know if he wanted his command back. What would he even do with it? The thought of engaging in any type of battle, of having to go down to the ground and oversee things on Ilari, of having to make decisions that would affect other soldiers’ lives, made a roll of nausea swell through him like he’d just eaten a plate of gray slop from the CSS prison.

  He clenched his jaw over the urge to gag. Somehow, he had to find a way around these feelings hampering him, because if he didn’t have command of the Valiant Knox, if he wasn’t a soldier, then who the hell was he?

  The only other option was to put himself to pasture, take a brass position like the other commanders too old to actively serve any longer and spend his days spinning positive media for the UEF, attending fundraising functions and other shallow endeavors—pretty much becoming the UEF’s arm candy.

  But could he really live with putting himself into such a trivial position when he hadn’t even turned thirty-five yet? That question overloaded his brain, making pressure pound behind his eyes.

  Stop goddamn thinking. He forced his mind blank and bent to unfasten his boots before dragging one of the blankets from the pile. He punched a cushion into place and then lay down. After a few minutes, the light sensor beeped when it detected no movement and plunged the room into muted darkness.

  His mind whirled, but he tried to keep himself distanced from the problems plaguing him. He couldn’t do anything about them right now. The only thing he could do was try and get some decent sleep so he had a clear head to deal with things tomorrow. He stared up at the darkened ceiling.

  It was going to be a long night.

  Chapter Seven

  Sacha flung herself onto her back and glared over at the clock display next to her bed. Three hours since she’d escaped Kai and she didn’t feel the littlest bit sleepy.

  Why the heck had she told him about her and Elliot’s baby plans?

  Things were alternately awkward and old-times-comfortable between them. They were on precarious ground, which threatened to crumble at any second. With what she’d blurted out, she got the feeling she might have just kicked the one stable rock from underneath them.

  With a silent curse, she sat up and put her face in her hands.

  “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she muttered into her palms.

  At the sounds of movement and glass clinking from the sitting room, she stopped her litany and looked up at the door.

  For the past few hours, she’d been wondering how she was going to make herself face Kai in the morning. Yet the urge to talk with him right that second, maybe clear the air a bit, struck her so hard and fast she’d gotten out of bed and crossed the room before she’d quite thought about it.

  As the door opened, she caught him midway between the couch and the kitchen. He froze when he saw her, a glass in one hand and a bottle of bourbon in the other. His hair stuck out all over the place, his gaze a little bleary, and he wore nothing but a pair of boxer briefs.

  Her mind stumbled over that detail, so she forced her gaze to remain steady on his face.

  “I’m sorry about before. I shouldn’t have told you those things. It doesn’t help or change anything. Although, drowning your sorrows probably won’t help much either.”

  He dropped his attention to the bottle in his hand and then moved to set the glass down on a side table. “You should be able to talk about Elliot. He was your husband. I should be the one apologizing for reacting badly. You just surprised me, that’s all. I guess I knew you’d probably have kids eventually. I suppose the whole naming-the-baby-after-me thing was the clincher.”

  Sadness pinched at her, but damned if she could get a clear idea on what had her so upset. The baby she’d never conceived? The fact that maybe Kai didn’t like the idea of having a kid named after him? The confusion over her standing here wanting the man she’d always unknowingly cared for? The numerous reasons why letting herself get involved with him would be purely selfish?

  She’d never realized how she’d relied on him simply being there until he hadn’t been anymore. Hadn’t known how deep her feelings for him really ran until she thought he’d been killed. Because part of her heart had definitely belonged to another man.

  Then Elliot had been killed and the guilt had heaped on even worse. Because she’d mourned both men equally. Shouldn’t she have felt more loss over her husband? Shouldn’t the fact that Elliot had been taken from her shredded her soul? But it’d been Kai disappearing first that had done the real damage. By the time she got the news about Elliot, she’d gone into a kind of numb haze. The first few months after that were a blur in her memory.

  And now Kai had returned, whole and alive. Deep inside, new life had started unfurling within her. Yet at the same time, the clash of elation and remorse made her head ache, pressure building up to combusting point within her.

  You should feel awful. Because she wanted to grab on to him and hold on for all she was worth. Yet in this situation, she had to be the strong one, had to hold him up until he’d found his feet again. And the only way to do that was not let herself feel too deeply. Yes, Kai was her oldest friend, and there were emotions and sentiments attached to that she’d never be able to deny. But she had to keep her head above water, because sinking into her emotions wasn’t the way to help him heal.

  She dropped her gaze away from Kai, since looking at his almost-naked body made her heart pound too hard. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up. How about when we see each other in the morning, we pretend like none of this ever happened?”

  Before he could answer, she spun back toward her room, making a hasty escape so she could be alone with the aching guilt. But she barely made it through the doorway when two large, warm hands closed around her upper arms. The sensation of his fingers tightening into her bare flesh sent a swell of knee-weakening desire through her.

  “Sacha, don’t run away from me. I’m the one who should apologize. This is your home, and I’ve upset you.”

  “It’s fine. Really, I’ve got an early shift in the morning,” she mumbled toward the floor. She tugged against his hold, but he held her gentle and tight, not giving an inch.

  God, she didn’t want to deal with him right now, not when she felt so exposed, so worn down,
and so damn confused. All of a sudden, keeping up the remorse over the emotions that had bombarded her in the past few days since Kai had dropped back into her life was exhausting. She just wanted things to be simple.

  She sagged, giving up on the idea of fleeing Kai unless she wanted to get into an all-out struggle to break free. As she relaxed, he moved into her, bringing his chest up against her back. His hands loosened and then smoothed down her arms and back up again in a tender yet charged stroke.

  Damn her to hell, but it felt so good to have the raw, masculine warmth of him against her. She turned into his embrace with a long sigh as her eyes slid closed.

  Kai’s hand came up to touch the side of her face. “I’m sorry, I’m being a selfish bastard. You’re still mourning Elliot.”

  She shook her head and swallowed over the lump in her throat. “I should be mourning Elliot, and I feel so guilty that I’m not thinking about him as much now that you’re here. I mean, you’re alive! Part of me wonders when I’m going to wake up.”

  His topaz eyes darkened to a deep gold. “Did you dream of me when I was gone? I dreamed of you. Those visions kept me sane.”

  She nodded, her eyes watering. “When they declared you KIA, it broke my heart, Kai.”

  His hand slid partway into her hair, tightening subtly. She took a hiccupping breath, but stubbornly kept a lid on her emotions; partly because she got the feeling if she gave in to the urge to cry, she might not be able to stop.

  “I’m a horrible wife, because when I lost you, it made me realize exactly where you always were. In my heart.”

  He clenched his jaw, looking as torn over things as she felt. But he didn’t say anything. Instead he pulled her tighter against his chest. She rested her forehead on his pecs and let a few tears leak free.

  “Elliot wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your life beating yourself up over this. You didn’t betray him on purpose. In fact, you never betrayed him at all.”

  She felt the low words rumble through his chest. With his arms wrapped around her, contentment blossomed and spread within her.

  “That’s easy for you to say,” she grumbled. However, his statement made her feel better about things.

  “I spent the past year and a half hanging on to the memory of my best friend’s wife like a lifeline. Don’t you think I wondered how in the hell I could ever face Elliot again if I got out? How I would face you? I’d dream about you and then spend days wallowing in guilt. Amos thought I was a total ass.” His warm breath ruffled her hair, sending a shiver rippling through her. “I hate to see you so upset, especially when I’ve been the cause.”

  “None of this is your fault, Kai. How could it be? All you did was make it back alive when everyone thought you were dead. We should be celebrating.”

  Tension leeched out of her muscles as his strong fingers lightly massaged her upper arms and shoulders.

  “Then why do I feel like I should count my sins and wonder how I’ll ever atone for them?” The catch in his voice made her heart clench, and she raised her head to look up at him.

  “You’re not the bad guy here.”

  His jaw clenched under a stubborn look. “Oh yeah? Then neither are you. I won’t let you be.”

  She opened her mouth to argue, but his lips caught hers in a hard kiss, cutting off the words before she could so much as make a noise.

  Reckless desperation exploded. Sacha gripped the back of Kai’s neck. She refused to think anymore, she just wanted to feel. Because this, right here, was simple. She’d been alone in misery and numbness for so long, just going through each day without any real direction.

  And then Kai had come home.

  His arms dropped to close around her waist and drag her harder against him, thighs, hips and chests pressed so firm together she couldn’t draw a full breath. But she didn’t want to breathe. She wanted to consume every heated, exhilarating, wild sensation igniting between them, let it warm her cold heart.

  He half picked her up and turned just far enough to get them to the couch. He kept her steady as he lowered her to the cushions and then came down on top of her, his mouth never breaking from hers for even an instant.

  She let her hands loosen from their grasp on him and ran them over the lean contours of his muscled chest. The long-forgotten sensation of warm male skin under her fingers sent a shudder through her, made her insides clench with yearning and a bittersweet awareness of exactly what she’d been missing.

  Her heart sped into orbit when he at last moved his mouth from hers, and laved hot kisses just under her ear and down her neck as he tugged at the tank top she wore for pajamas. A sense of familiarity clashed with the thrill of something new. This was Kai. Her oldest friend, so familiar in his scent and mannerisms, even the hitch of his breath felt achingly recognizable. But she’d never had this with him, never let what had been a tiny spark between them rouse into an uncontrolled inferno. Into the most beautiful, thrilling thing she’d ever imagined.

  He tugged her top free and flung it aside, wasting no time in closing his mouth over her hardened nipple. She cried out in part surprise, part elation. Spasms of pleasure forked out from the pressure of his mouth, down into her lower abdomen.

  Sacha pressed herself harder against him as she threaded fingers into his hair, while his hand caught the waistband of her pajama shorts. She shuddered at the light press of his knuckles against the skin at her hip, anticipation swelling toward the moment he’d pull the last of her clothes off, leaving her shamelessly naked and reveling in the friction of his skin against hers.

  Sucking in a sharp breath, he stilled above her. It took her hazy mind a moment to realize he seemed frozen in place.

  “Kai?” She cupped her hand along his jaw and urged his head up so she could see his face. His eyes were closed, expression a tight grimace. “What’s wrong?”

  He forced out a short, humorless laugh, and pushed up from her. “My damned leg.”

  “What’s your pain level?” She scrambled upright as he shifted with stiff movements to stretch his injured leg out and set it on the ottoman.

  “Damn it to hell, I’m not scaling my pain for you, Sacha.” He avoided her gaze as he rubbed at his knee and upper calf.

  Heart thrumming, she got up to retrieve her tank top and then went to the kitchen to find an ice pack. Heat flushed up her neck, because oh god, had she really just jumped him like a horny teenager? Forgotten everything she’d vowed about distancing herself for the sake of his recovery? She took a moment to press the ice pack against her heated face before returning to the couch.

  His expression had eased somewhat, and there didn’t seem to be as much tension in the line of his shoulders.

  “Where does it hurt the worst?”

  Kai looked up at her, and then glanced at her hand. “I’ll take that.”

  She swallowed over a tightening throat as he held a hand out for the ice pack. A second ago they’d been all over each other, and now he didn’t even want her to touch him? Yep, tossing logic into space and losing her head to heedless lust had been a great idea.

  She reluctantly handed over the ice pack. “I can do that for—”

  He lobbed the pack over his shoulder and then speared her with a stubborn glare. “My leg is fine. I don’t need you to be my doctor. I need you to come back over here. And take all of your clothes off while you’re at it.”

  She took half a step back, every muscle in her body tightening as she fought the urge to do exactly what he’d so unceremoniously ordered.

  “No, I’m sorry that happened, but it shouldn’t have. You do need me to be your doctor, and I shouldn’t have forgotten that. And, for what it’s worth, your doctor is ordering you to put that ice pack on your leg and get some rest. Without the benefit of that bourbon.”

  Before he could reply, she turned away from him, snatched up the bourbon, and headed for her room, trying for a sedate pace so it didn’t look like she was running. Which she totally was.

  “Sacha.”


  Her name in that low, exasperated tone of his shivered all the way down her spine, but she refused to look back as she made it to her bedroom door.

  “Sacha, wait.”

  She stepped inside and passed her hand over the door control, thumbing the lock icon for good measure. A pounding on the panel a second later made her jump.

  “Sacha, I’m sorry. Would you just come back out here so we can talk?”

  Talk? Hah. Whatever kind of talk he had on his mind, she doubted it would feature many words. She took a considering look at the bottle of bourbon in her hand, before giving a small shrug and then knocking back a mouthful. After that short, but explosive, scene on the couch with Kai, she could use something to take off the edge.

  He tried banging for another few moments, but when she didn’t reply, he muttered a curse and gave up.

  With a few choice words of her own, Sacha abandoned the idea of bed, and curled up in the armchair in the corner of the bedroom, nursing the bottle of bourbon. Yeah, that wouldn’t bode well for her early shift tomorrow, but right now, getting through the night without giving in to the urge to throw herself into Kai’s arms seemed more important.

  …

  Sacha shifted, her body stiff, a crick in her neck shooting pins and needles into her shoulder. She blinked open her eyes and lifted her heavy head, recognizing her bedroom, but not understanding the current view she had.

  She groaned and rubbed her nape, the movement causing something to slosh in her lap. She swore, glancing down at the bottle of bourbon, some of which was dripping down her thigh. With another low curse, she set the bottle on the floor and used the hem of her tank top to wipe the spillage off her leg. She hadn’t drunk that much after escaping Kai and the moment they’d shared on her couch, but combined with her exhaustion, it had been enough to put her lights out for the rest of the night.

  Her thoughts felt sluggish, her mouth bitter with the aftertaste of the alcohol. She pushed herself up, grimacing when the sudden movement made her brain spin. Oh god, she needed a few more hours sleep, but a glimpse of the clock told her she was due on-shift at med-level in half an hour. Just enough time to grab a shower and hopefully sneak out while Kai was still sleeping.