She and Allan

by H. Rider Haggard

  CHAPTER XXII

  AYESHA'S FAREWELL

  Thus I spoke whose nerves were on edge after all that I had seen or, aseven then I suspected, seemed to see. For how could I believe that thesevisions of mine had any higher origin than Ayesha's rather maliciousimagination? Already I had formed my theory.

  It was that she must be a hypnotist of power, who, after she had put aspell upon her subject, could project into his mind such fancies as shechose together with a selection of her own theories. Only two pointsremained obscure. The first was--how did she get the necessaryinformation about the private affairs of a humble individual likemyself, for these were not known even to Zikali with whom she seemedto be in some kind of correspondence, or to Hans, at any rate in suchcompleteness?

  I could but presume that in some mysterious way she drew them from, orrather excited them in my own mind and memory, so that I seemed to seethose with whom once I had been intimate, with modifications and insurroundings that her intelligence had carefully prepared. It would notbe difficult for a mind like hers familiar, as I gathered it was, withthe ancient lore of the Greeks and the Egyptians, to create a kind ofHades and, by way of difference, to change it from one of shadow to oneof intense illumination, and into it to plunge the consciousness of himupon whom she had laid her charm of sleep. I had seen nothing and heardnothing that she might not thus have moulded, always given that she hadaccess to the needful clay of facts which I alone could furnish.

  Granting this hypothesis, the second point was--what might be the objectof her elaborate and most bitter jest? Well, I thought that I couldguess. First, she wished to show her power, or rather to make mebelieve that she had power of a very unusual sort. Secondly, she owedUmslopogaas and myself a debt for our services in the war with Rezuwhich we had been told would be repaid in this way. Thirdly, I hadoffended her in some fashion and she took her opportunity of settlingthe score. Also there was a fourth possibility--that really sheconsidered herself a moral instructress and desired, as she said, toteach me a lesson by showing how futile were human hopes and vanities inrespect to the departed and their affections.

  Now I do not pretend that all this analysis of Ayesha's motives occurredto me at the moment of my interview with her; indeed, I only completedit later after much careful thought, when I found it sound and good. Atthat time, although I had inklings, I was too bewildered to form a justjudgment.

  Further, I was too angry and it was from this bow of my anger thatI loosed a shaft at a venture as to some lesson which awaited _her_.Perhaps certain words spoken by the dying Rezu had shaped that shaft. Orperhaps some shadow of her advancing fate fell upon me.

  The success of the shot, however, was remarkable. Evidently it piercedthe joints of her harness, and indeed went home to Ayesha's heart. Sheturned pale; all the peach-bloom hues faded from her lovely face, hergreat eyes seemed to lessen and grow dull and her cheeks to fall in.Indeed, for a moment she looked old, very old, quite an aged woman.Moreover she wept, for I saw two big tears drop upon her white raimentand I was horrified.

  "What has happened to you?" I said, or rather gasped.

  "Naught," she answered, "save that thou hast hurt me sore. Dost thou notknow, Allan, that it is cruel to prophesy ill to any, since such wordsfeathered from Fate's own wing and barbed with venom, fester in thebreast and mayhap bring about their own accomplishment. Most cruel ofall is it when with them are repaid friendship and gentleness."

  I reflected to myself--yes, friendship of the order that is calledcandid, and gentleness such as is hid in a cat's velvet paw, butcontented myself with asking how it was that she who said she was sopowerful, came to fear anything at all.

  "Because as I have told thee, Allan, there is no armour that can turnthe spear of Destiny which, when I heard those words of thine, it seemedto me, I know not why, was directed by thy hand. Look now on Rezu whothought himself unconquerable and yet was slain by the black Axe-bearerand whose bones to-night stay the famine of the jackals. Moreover I amaccursed who sought to steal its servant from Heaven to be my love, andhow know I when and where vengeance will fall at last? Indeed, it hasfallen already on me, who through the long ages amid savages must mournwidowed and alone, but not all of it--oh! I think, not all."

  Then she began to weep in good earnest, and watching her, for thefirst time I understood that this glorious creature who seemed to be sopowerful, was after all one of the most miserable of women and as much aprey to loneliness, every sort of passion and apprehensive fear, as canbe any common mortal. If, as she said, she had found the secret of life,which of course I did not believe, at least it was obvious that she hadlost that of happiness.

  She sobbed softly and wept and while she did so the loveliness, whichhad left her for a little while, returned to her like light to a greyand darkened sky. Oh, how beautiful she seemed with the abundant locksin disorder over her tear-stained face, how beautiful beyond imagining!My heart melted as I studied her; I could think of nothing else excepther surpassing charm and glory.

  "I pray you, do not weep," I said; "it hurts me and indeed I am sorry ifI said anything to give you pain."

  But she only shook that glorious hair further about her face and behindits veil wept on.

  "You know, Ayesha," I continued, "you have said many hard things to me,making me the target of your bitter wit, therefore it is not strangethat at last I answered you."

  "And hast thou not deserved them, Allan?" she murmured in soft andbroken tones from behind that veil of scented locks.

  "Why?" I asked.

  "Because from the beginning thou didst defy me, showing in thine everyaccent that thou heldest me a liar and one of no account in body or inspirit, one not worthy of thy kind look, or of those gentle words whichonce were my portion among men. Oh! thou hast dealt hardly with me andtherefore perchance--I know not--I paid thee back with such poor weaponsas a woman holds, though all the while I liked thee well."

  Then again she fell to sobbing, swaying herself gently to and fro in hersweet sorrow.

  It was too much. Not knowing what else to do to comfort her, I pattedher ivory hand which lay upon the couch beside me, and as this appearedto have no effect, I kissed it, which she did not seem to resent. Thensuddenly I remembered and let it fall.

  She tossed back her hair from her face and fixing her big eyes on me,said gently enough, looking down at her hand,

  "What ails thee, Allan?"

  "Oh, nothing," I answered; "only I remembered the story you told meabout some man called Kallikrates."

  She frowned.

  "And what of Kallikrates, Allan? Is it not enough that for my sins, withtears, empty longings and repentance, I must wait for him through allthe weary centuries? Must I also wear the chains of this Kallikrates, towhom I owe many a debt, when he is far away? Say, didst thou see him inthat Heaven of thine, Allan, for there perchance he dwells?"

  I shook my head and tried to think the thing out while all the timethose wonderful eyes of hers seemed to draw the soul from me. It seemedto me that she bent forward and held up her face to me. Then I lost myreason and also bent forward. Yes, she made me mad, and, save her, Iforgot all.

  Swiftly she placed her hand upon my heart, saying,

  "Stay! What meanest thou? Dost love me, Allan?"

  "I think so--that is--yes," I answered.

  She sank back upon the couch away from me and began to laugh verysoftly.

  "What words are these," she said, "that they pass thy lips so easily andso unmeant, perchance from long practice? Oh! Allan, I am astonished.Art thou the same man who some few days ago told me, and this unasked,that as soon wouldst thou think of courting the moon as of courting me?Art thou he who not a minute gone swore proudly that never had his heartand his lips wandered from certain angels whither they should not? Andnow, and now----?"

  I coloured to my eyes and rose, muttering,

  "Let me be gone!"

  "Nay, Allan, why? I see no mark here," and she held up her hand,scanning it carefully. "Thou art too much
what thou wert before, exceptperhaps in thy soul, which is invisible," she added with a touch ofmalice. "Nor am I angry with thee; indeed, hadst thou not tried to charmaway my woe, I should have thought but poorly of thee as a man. Therelet it rest and be forgotten--or remembered as thou wilt. Still, inanswer to thy words concerning my Kallikrates, what of those adored onesthat, according to thy tale, but now thou didst find again in a place oflight? Because they seemed faithless, shouldst thou be faithless also?Shame on thee, thou fickle Allan!"

  She paused, waiting for me to speak.

  Well, I could not. I had nothing to say who was utterly disgraced andoverwhelmed.

  "Thou thinkest, Allan," she went on, "that I have cast my net aboutthee, and this is true. Learn wisdom from it, Allan, and never againdefy a woman--that is, if she be fair, for then she is stronger thanthou art, since Nature for its own purpose made her so. Whatever I havedone by tears, that ancient artifice of my sex, as in other ways, is forthy instruction, Allan, that thou mayest benefit thereby."

  Again I sprang up, uttering an English exclamation which I trust Ayeshadid not understand, and again she motioned to me to be seated, saying,

  "Nay, leave me not yet since, even if the light fancy of a man thatcomes and goes like the evening wind and for a breath made me dearto thee, has passed away, there remains certain work which we must dotogether. Although, thinking of thyself alone, thou hast forgotten it,having been paid thine own fee, one is yet due to that old wizard in afar land who sent thee to visit Kor and me, as indeed he has reminded meand within an hour."

  This amazing statement aroused me from my personal and painfulpre-occupation and caused me to stare at her blankly.

  "Again thou disbelievest me," she said, with a little stamp. "Do so oncemore, Allan, and I swear I'll bring thee to grovel on the ground andkiss my foot and babble nonsense to a woman sworn to another man, suchas never for all thy days thou shalt think of without a blush of shame."

  "Oh! no," I broke in hurriedly, "I assure you that you are mistaken. Ibelieve every word you have said, or say or will say; I do in truth."

  "Now thou liest. Well, what is one more falsehood among so many? Let itpass."

  "What, indeed?" I echoed in eager affirmation, "and as for Zikali'smessage----" and I paused.

  "It was to recall to my mind that he desired to learn whether a certaingreat enterprise of his will succeed, the details of which he says thoucanst tell me. Repeat them to me."

  So, glad enough to get away from more dangerous topics, I narratedto her as briefly and clearly as I could, the history of the oldwitch-doctor's feud with the Royal House of Zululand. She listened,taking in every word, and said,

  "So now he yearns to know whether he will conquer or be conquered; andthat is why he sent, or thinks that he sent thee on this journey, notfor thy sake, Allan, but for his own. I cannot tell thee, for what haveI do to with the finish of this petty business, which to him seems solarge? Still, as I owe him a debt for luring the Axe-Bearer here to ridme of mine enemy, and thee to lighten my solitude for an hour by theburnishing of thy mind, I will try. Set that bowl before me, Allan,"and she pointed to a marble tripod on which stood a basin half full ofwater, "and come, sit close by me and look into it, telling me what thouseest."

  I obeyed her instructions and presently found myself with my head overthe basin, staring into the water in the exact attitude of a person whois about to be shampooed.

  "This seems rather foolish," I said abjectly, for at that moment Iresembled the Queen of Sheba in one particular, if in no other, namely,that there was no more spirit in me. "What am I supposed to do? I seenothing at all."

  "Look again," she said, and as she spoke the water grew clouded. Then onit appeared a picture. I saw the interior of a Kaffir hut dimly lightedby a single candle set in the neck of a bottle. To the left of the doorof the hut was a bedstead and on it lay stretched a wasted and dyingman, in whom, to my astonishment, I recognised Cetywayo, King of theZulus. At the foot of the bed stood another man--myself grown older bymany years, and leaning over the bed, apparently whispering into thedying man's ear, was a grotesque and malevolent figure which I knew tobe that of Zikali, Opener-of-Roads, whose glowing eyes were fixed uponthe terrified and tortured face of Cetywayo. All was as it happenedafterwards, as I have written down in the book called "Finished."

  I described what I saw to Ayesha, and while I was doing so the picturevanished away, so that nothing remained save the clear water in themarble bowl. The story did not seem to interest her; indeed, she leanedback and yawned a little.

  "Thy vision is good, Allan," she said indifferently, "and wide also,since thou canst see what passes in the sun or distant stars, andpictures of things to be in the water, to say nothing of other picturesin a woman's eyes, all within an hour. Well, this savage businessconcerns me not and of it I want to know no more. Yet it would appearthat here the old wizard who is thy friend, has the answer that hedesires. For there in the picture the king he hates lies dying while hehisses in his ear and thou dost watch the end. What more can he seek?Tell him it when ye meet, and tell him also it is my will that in futurehe should trouble me less, since I love not to be wakened from my sleepto listen to his half-instructed talk and savage vapourings. Indeed,he presumes too much. And now enough of him and his dark plots. Ye haveyour desires, all of you, and are paid in full."

  "Over-paid, perhaps," I said with a sigh.

  "Ah, Allan, I think that Lesson thou hast learned pleases thee butlittle. Well, be comforted for the thing is common. Hast never heardthat there is but one morsel more bitter to the taste than desiredenied, namely, desire fulfilled? Believe me that there can be nohappiness for man until he attains a land where all desire is dead."

  "That is what the Buddha preaches, Ayesha."

  "Aye, I remember the doctrines of that wise man well, who without doubthad found a key to the gate of Truth, one key only, for, mark thou,Allan, there are many. Yet, man being man must know desires, sincewithout them, robbed of ambitions, strivings, hopes, fears, aye and oflife itself, the race must die, which is not the will of the Lord ofLife who needs a nursery for his servant's souls, wherein his swords ofGood and Ill shall shape them to his pattern. So it comes about, Allan,that what we think the worst is oft the best for us, and with thatknowledge, if we are wise, let us assuage our bitterness and wipe awayour tears."

  "I have often thought that," I said.

  "I doubt it not, Allan, since though it has pleased me to make a jestof thee, I know that thou hast thy share of wisdom, such little share asthou canst gather in thy few short years. I know, too, that thy heart isgood and aspires high, and Friend--well, I find in thee a friend indeed,as I think not for the first time, nor certainly for the last. Mark,Allan, what I say, not a lover, but a _friend_, which is higher far.For when passion dies with the passing of the flesh, if there be nofriendship what will remain save certain memories that, mayhap, are wellforgot? Aye, how would those lovers meet elsewhere who were never morethan lovers? With weariness, I hold, as they stared into each other'sempty soul, or even with disgust.

  "Therefore the wise will seek to turn those with whom Fate mates theminto friends, since otherwise soon they will be lost for aye. More, ifthey are wiser still, having made them friends, they will suffer themto find lovers where they will. Good maxims, are they not? Yet hard tofollow, or so, perchance, thou thinkest them--as I do."