Beard Up

by Lani Lynn Vale

  “What?”

  “That if I ever got another chance…if you came back to me some way, that I wouldn’t squander it. I wouldn’t scream. I wouldn’t yell. I wouldn’t question. I wouldn’t hate. I’d love you. I’d love you for every single second that you were gone. I’d hug you. Kiss you. Never let go.” She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “I know you. I…that day at the baseball park…you smelled like you.”

  I swallowed.

  “I’ve felt you. For a hell of a lot longer than when I first saw you at the baseball park,” she whispered so quietly that I could barely hear her words. “I’d look outside at night and imagine you there.”

  “I was there.”

  “I’d look over at one of Sienna’s school functions, thinking that I felt your gaze on me…”

  “I was at every single one.”

  She closed her eyes at the raw emotion in my voice.

  “Dentist appointments. Doctors. Anything and everything. Jesus, I’ve felt you everywhere.”

  “I was.”

  The tears hadn’t dried up, and her entire neck was soaked as they ran unencumbered down her throat.

  “I hate you,” she whispered. “I hate you, but I don’t hate you.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “I made this promise and now I want to break it.”

  “Then break it, baby.”

  My words seemed to open some sort of dam that was holding those swirling emotions inside, and the moment that I gave her freedom to break her promise, she screamed.

  She screamed, and screamed, and screamed.

  “I’ve been dying without you!”

  My throat was clogged with unshed tears.

  “I prayed that you would come back to us. I was at your funeral!”

  I nodded, not trusting my voice.

  “I contemplated suicide.”

  My body froze.

  I hadn’t known that. It hadn’t even occurred to me because of Sienna. Mina would never do that to Sienna.

  “But then I thought of your baby, all alone in this world, and couldn’t do it.”

  I wanted to touch her. To bring her into my arms. To do anything to make the pain that was on her face go away.

  But each time I started to move, she screamed. “Stay away!”

  I stayed away.

  I planted my feet and rooted myself to the spot as I watched her break. I watched her break her promise, and I watched her heart tear apart all over again.

  “I needed you, and you weren’t there.”

  I nodded. “I know.”

  “I’ve missed you.”

  “I know,” I rumbled. “I’ve missed you, too.”

  Her heart was beating so hard that I could see the pulse at her neck moving with each beat of her heart.

  “Why?” her voice cracked. “Why are you back now?” She viciously wiped away a tear. “You’re never going to leave me again. I won’t let you.”

  I didn’t say, ‘you wouldn’t be able to stop me’ like I wanted to. I only stayed silent, letting her know with no words that she didn’t have that option. If I felt I had to leave again, I would.

  If it was her safety or her happiness, I’d choose her safety every single time.

  “I love you so much,” she sniffled. “But I still hate you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you.”

  Then she was in my arms. For the first time in six years, five months, one hour, and thirteen minutes.

  My hands were shaking. My knees were weak, and I couldn’t get my fingers to loosen the grip they had on the hair that I’d fisted in both hands as I locked her in tight to my body with my arms.

  “I missed you.”

  I buried my face into her neck.

  “I’ve cried so many tears. Prayed so many prayers.”

  My voice wouldn’t work. I couldn’t tell her the thousand things I’ve wanted to tell her for what felt like forever. I couldn’t tell her I was sorry, and that I was a complete and utter asshole. I couldn’t tell her why this was a bad idea. I couldn’t do a goddamn thing but hold her, and breathe her in.

  “Sienna,” she said on a sob.

  I shook my head.

  “Not yet, honey,” I said roughly. “Not yet.”

  She seemed to grasp that there was something going on that was keeping me from her.

  She didn’t question why I’d stayed away.

  She knew, just as well as I did, the love we had for each other. There was nothing that would take that away. I wouldn’t have stayed away unless I had a damn good reason, and she knew that it wasn’t something small. It was huge.

  It was big enough that I had to leave her. Had to see her cry every night while she thought that I was gone from this Earth.

  Then her lips were on mine.

  Her tongue swept in, and my body’s battle with staying upright lost its fight.

  I dropped down to my knees, then went further, laying Mina’s tiny body down onto the dusty floor.

  One hand went to the side of her face, while the other went to the floor beside her head.

  I didn’t even notice the dust and dirt on the floor. Didn’t care one single bit that we would both be covered in it before we were done.

  Her lips were on mine.

  My tongue inside her mouth.

  “I need.”

  Those words were pulled from my throat, a guttural harsh tone, and I couldn’t fucking breathe.

  Couldn’t fucking think.

  All I could do was feel.

  Remember.

  Taste.

  She fisted my shirt, and I took it for the demand that it was and shrugged out of it.

  My cock was throbbing, pulsing with heat and need. Feeling her so close, knowing that what I’d wanted for so long was nearly mine for the taking…that was a heady feeling.

  I wanted to rush. I wanted to go so slow that I could savor every single second.

  I wanted to devour her.

  But then her hands touched the bare skin of my chest, and my breath hitched.

  “I should’ve demanded to see your body.” Her hands ran over the rough ridges of damaged skin on my chest. “I wanted to…but everyone convinced me that I didn’t need to see that.”

  She didn’t.

  I didn’t even want her to see the aftermath now.

  “You were so hurt,” she whispered. “Oh, God. Tun. God.”

  Tears continued to slip out of the corner of her eyes, and she couldn’t say anything without her voice wobbling.

  But she was doing better than me. I couldn’t even fucking speak.

  The fact that she was here, underneath me, was so surreal that I couldn’t make my brain work.

  “You needed me, and I wasn’t there,” she whispered brokenly.

  I brought my hand up to her face.

  “You needed me, and I wasn’t there,” I countered back. “I watched you cry into that stupid cat’s fur every night, wishing that it was me there instead of her. Wishing that I had something to offer you that wouldn’t kill you if I did.”

  Her eyes closed, and when she opened them again, she was still crying.

  Her eyes, so freakin’ bright right now that I never wanted to look away, pulled me right in.

  And then, there was nothing but us.

  Nothing but the way she felt. Smelled. Sounded.

  She caught the change, and our mouths met in a tangle of tongues and teeth.

  I bit down lightly on her lip causing her to hiss in a sharp breath.

  “Don’t be soft and gentle,” she ordered.

  Too late. That was all I’d wanted for so long that I would settle for nothing else, and I think she sensed that.

  My hands went to her hips where her small scrub top seemed to swallow her upper half.

  “I’ve let myself go,” she whispered. “I had no one left to impress.”

  I moved my hands up, pushing her shirt with it.


  She raised her arms high over her head and let me pull the top off.

  Pens, medical scissors, and her cell phone clattered to the floor, but neither one of us reached for them.

  “I don’t care if you have to roll around on the floor to get to where you need to go, I’d love you still,” I informed her, dropping a kiss to her collarbone.

  She lifted her hands to my sunglasses, ones I hadn’t noticed that I still had on, and slowly drew them off my face.

  The moment she got the first good look at my eyes, her eyes once again started to spill over with tears.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” she sniffled.

  I pulled her to my chest, her breasts pillowing against my sternum, and I forgot how to breathe.

  The next few minutes happened fast.

  My remaining clothes were discarded, followed by hers.

  She didn’t question taking my holstered gun off, nor did she put it where I couldn’t get to it easily if needed. She knew me, and knew me well. She’d also done the same damn thing almost every time I came off shift whether she was awake or not. We woke up for each other, and always helped each other get undressed.

  So, this moment where we were taking each other’s clothes off for the first time in a long time, it was so sweet and tender that it was hard for either one of us to not lose it.

  And when she was fully naked, I didn’t see the small pooch of her stomach where she carried our child. I didn’t see the stretch marks, or the changes in her body and face from time passage. I just saw her. My Mina. My everything.

  I maneuvered to my back and pulled her down on top of me, using the spread of our clothes as a blanket as I went.

  She followed me, straddling my hips with her legs and forcing me to remain still as she climbed onto me.

  Her mouth came down on mine, and I lifted both hands to move the hair back out of our faces.

  With one hand fisted in her hair holding it back, the other started to shift down her side, feeling her, breathing her in. Remembering every inch of her body and becoming reacquainted with the thing I’d craved most over the last six years.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” I couldn’t help saying again against her lips. “I feel like I’m in a dream.”

  Her eyes opened, and she stared at me, eyes so full of love, that I wanted to squeeze her to me and never let go.

  “I love the beard,” she whispered, running her hands along the rough hair that covered my jaw. “But most of all, I love having your eyes.”

  She sat back, giving me the full view of her naked body on top of mine, and my dick that I’d been trying to keep in check, jumped, causing her to grin wickedly.

  Her eyes dropped down to where my cock lay bobbing against my belly, and turned a sly look toward me before she took one lone finger and trailed it up the underside of my cock.

  “I’ve missed this, too.” She exhaled at the same time the air burst free of my lungs. “I dream of you every night. Wake up needing you. I haven’t had an orgasm since you’ve been gone.”

  I hadn’t either.

  Which I told her.

  Her mouth dropped open.

  She didn’t believe me, but it was true. Every time I tried to touch myself, I’d see her crying face, and I’d stop. It was my personal punishment, on top of everything else.

  “It wasn’t anybody else’s to have, not even mine, but yours. Everything, my body, heart and soul, belongs to you, baby,” I growled. “Now have mercy on me and give me you.”

  She fisted my cock, and my eyes squeezed tightly shut.

  When I opened them again, it was to find her leaning in close to my face.

  “Help me, then,” she ordered.

  I didn’t wait for more encouragement.

  This was a move I’d done before, but she still squeaked in startled delight when I lifted her by the hips and settled her pussy over my face.

  “Only way I can think to help you, baby,” I growled, inhaling deeply.

  My eyes connected with hers as I brought my tongue out for the first lick.

  The second lick, her eyes closed, and her head fell back, causing her hair to trail along the length of my chest and belly. Her hair was shorter now but with her head back, it managed to sweep the very tip of my cock.

  It was definitely a weird experience, but one I fucking loved, and surprisingly had missed.

  My hands went to her hips as I tilted them forward, only for her to catch the hint and ride my face.

  “The beard,” she moaned breathily. “God, I don’t know whether to laugh or scream.”

  “Laughing may not be appropriate,” I growled against her pussy lips. “But screaming is A-Okay.”

  Her head tipped down, and she watched as I took one long swipe of her crease, paying extra special attention to the engorged bundle of nerves that was calling for me.

  I brought one hand up from behind, and she leaned forward, knowing what I was going for.

  The moment my thumb met her weeping entrance, I pushed it inside of her, surprised like I was the first time I’d taken her at how tight that she was.

  The second I breached her entrance, she clamped down on my thumb so hard that, if she hadn’t been so freakin’ wet, I would’ve thought she didn’t want me to be inside of her.

  But then she started to come, and there was no denying anything that she felt for me.

  Her hips jerked on my face, and I continued to lick her clit while I pumped my thumb in and out of her. At least I did until she fell forward and tried to smother me with her vagina.

  She breathlessly rolled to the side, and flopped her hands out above her head as she panted for breath.

  Her nipples were pebbled into tiny little brown buds, and I couldn’t help myself. I had to taste those, too.

  And by the time I’d settled my cock at her entrance, and started to push inside, she looked like I’d wrung her out to dry.

  But the moment I got half of my dick into her, she started to writhe.

  “Please,” she mewled.

  I growled and thrust forward, dropping my mouth to hers to catch the scream that left her lips.

  My eyes felt weird, and the pressure inside my head, as well as my cock, was enough to detonate anybody.

  But I wouldn’t go. Not until I made her come one last time.

  Then I’d follow. Then I’d give myself that release that I’d been needing.

  I made slow sweet love to her, pushing inside just as slowly as I pulled out. Over and over again, in and out, until all that I knew was the glide of my cock into her tight heat.

  “You make me feel so full,” she breathed.

  I agreed, but it was my heart that was full.

  Having her in my arms, taking my cock, it settled something inside of me that hadn’t been settled in a very long, long time.

  Even when I felt her quickening around me, I didn’t speed up. I continued to ravish her with my hands, mouth and cock, until she exploded in such a sweet, intense orgasm, that she took me right along with her.

  Her arms went around my neck, pulling me to her and holding me there while my own orgasm rocked my big body.

  I poured everything I had in me into her willing pussy and had a gush of satisfaction pour through me at knowing that she was the first person, and the only person, to ever get this from me.

  “There’s six years’ worth of pent up need inside of you right now,” I told her. “I should’ve used a condom, because there’s no way in hell that you’re going to escape this unscathed.”

  She knew what I meant. I could tell by the way her eyes lit with excitement.

  Mina had never been on birth control. Not once in her entire twenty-six years. Not because she was religious, and didn’t take it, but because we’d always been willing to have babies, and when we weren’t, I used condoms. But I hadn’t carried a condom with me in a very long time, because I hadn’t had need for one.

  And now, loo
king down at her with pleasure written all over her face, I knew it wouldn’t be a good time.

  Her getting pregnant would be very bad, not because we didn’t want a child, but because that would just be one more thing that my parents could use to hold over me to get me to do their bidding if they ever found out that I was still alive.

  Something which was likely already a done deal since Josh knew, by now, that we’d taken Mina and wouldn’t be returning her.

  I rolled over and pulled her to my side, uncaring that we were getting our clothes filthy with dirt and other things, and instead decided to live in the now.

  In an hour, I would deal with the fallout.

  Right now, my life was curled into my arms, and I couldn’t find it in me to think of anything else.

  Chapter 17

  Life hadn’t given me lemons to make lemonade. It’s given me anger issues, a love for pizza and a need for retribution.

  -Ghost’s secret thoughts

  Ghost

  “I need your promise, Tunnel.”

  I trailed the tips of my fingers up the line of her naked spine, her hair was tangled around my shoulder and neck, ticking me back.

  “Anything,” I told her.

  She sighed.

  “Don’t leave me again.”

  I closed my eyes.

  That was the one promise that I couldn’t keep.

  “If I can help it, I won’t,” I offered the only thing I had to give.

  She knew instantly what I meant and brushed her lips against my shoulder.

  “It hurts,” Mina whispered a long time later, her hand playing absently along the rough scarring that spanned my chest.

  I knew she was talking about my burns, but there was an undertone there that said she wasn’t just talking about that.

  “Sometimes it has to hurt, baby,” I told Mina. “That’s when you know you’re alive.”

  “I don’t like that,” she said. “I know you wouldn’t have left me if…” She trailed off. “What do you do, Tunnel?” She looked at me fiercely.

  “I hunt the evil that people pretend doesn’t exist,” I answered almost immediately, not one to lie to the woman that held my heart. “If you really want to know, then Mina, I’ll tell you every single sordid detail. But if you’re just curious what I do now that I’m not who I was, and don’t really want to know it in all of its entirety, then just be happy with that first answer.” I licked my lips. “I told you no more lies, and I meant that. If you want to know if I killed a man this morning, then I’ll answer you honestly. But if you don’t, then I’ll stay quiet. Just be sure you can handle everything that is me now.”