Darling Pol

by Mary Wesley

  Now I shall eat my lunch; two bananas and a pint of milk … and read the New Statesman – which is what I have done more of than most things, all my life! Lord Londonderry (aged 19, jazz band at Eton; failed exams) attacks the Queen in it. What can they expect if they a. remove the young peers’ responsibilities b. set an example of skiffle and racing? Selon moi, that Bowes-Lyon [the Queen Mother] brought it all in …

  Clapham Common – 17.8.57

  I like the sound of canasta. If Toby organises games your worst troubles are over … ‘What next!’ as you once suggested, on presenting one of your beaux to me … Has Roger’s regiment survived? …

  My confessor was very nice; and I have made a date with him for a talk on Monday, at twelve. He sounded cultured, and is only here on retreat. His name is Father Furey.

  I had three bitters at poob with my steak (Saturday night outing, it comes to 14/6) and a talk with the piquante, naughty waitress, and was all set for trouble if the church had not been next door … What luck! I was horrified at entry, by the sermon and mumbo-jumbo (Assumption) and stayed to be deeply moved and impressed by these crowds of people, on their knees and singing (drearily, in a lowly anglican manner) and the relic (?) or Host exhibited and worshipped. And I confessed; including, especially, my nastiness when I went home (my ungrateful, mendacious outburst …); and did penance and came home safe …

  All my love,

  Eric

  Do not be afraid to sign your name!

  Authors’ Club – 18.8.57

  Mary, my darling –

  … I knew from a common-sense point of view that to practice a religion must help me; yet I couldn’t believe it. Now it has begun to WORK in just the way foreseen; but it seems miraculous.

  I mean that in trouble I can turn to it … Yesterday I had reached a new depth of desperation, and even went to bed at noon! I got up at four, and took ‘any’ bus. I had decided that I could never recover from my despair and failure. The bus went to Victoria, and I suddenly remembered Confession; and I had the fullest and most helpful confession I ever had, at Westminster, from a priest – who stammered – and who apologised for speaking so long.

  He told me, again, that despair is of the devil, that I must remember that I am a ‘noble’ person (Christ has made us all potentially so). What was new was that he (practically) laughed merrily at my ‘worldly failure’ (‘That won’t matter much in 50 years’) – and in that laughter dissolved that obsession with ‘money and success’ … which you find so odd in me. I really think I don’t care any more, except to make you happy …

  I do hope you have not been worrying? The principle is solved. The next 6 months are one more bridge, or rather ridge on our mountain … and after that, our troubles may be over. Certainly (Harry – most materialist – agreed) teaching as a second line, and by way of using the house, is preferable to anything else that can be combined with writing …

  I reckon to finish my novel on October 23.

  I am wondering whether to write up my notebooks as ‘Notes of a Convert’ … I have a lot to say …

  I miss you badly …

  Eric

  Thornworthy – 19.8.57

  … Roger’s regiment is almost the only one left intact.fn48 Toby is so full of interest that the first boring years will not worry him. La tête screwed on and grandfather and uncle were bankers.fn49 I think very soon I would like a letter from Harry, also I shall get Kurt Hahn and Paul to pincer movement. I rather think it should be done soon as Averil wants the money and there will be no Oxford.fn50

  Thora has abandoned her virginity to the gentleman and what is so annoying is that there is a clever cousin of the right age interested. She is prepared to abandon herself to love with tears pour toujours. Dear dear! Let’s ask St Joseph. No good asking me is it? What folly have I not committed nor what foulness? I must go to bed.

  I too feel Catholic. Part of the extraordinary jostle in the village hall, able to confess sans gene [sans gêne – without embarrassment] to Father Millerick.

  I shall sign my letters my love. ‘M.’ came from a distrust when you shewed my letters to others.

  Anyway I am, your dear Pol

  Clapham Common – 19.8.57

  I wrote my 1000 words and went to Father Furey … He is Irish, fat, tiny fingers yellow with nicotine, burst veins, black eyes that roll in different directions behind strong lenses …

  I asked him what mortal sin was. He began to generalise. I said I wanted to know what I must confess, if I am to take Communion. He said mortal sin was anything serious. Then he began to split hairs. If you got very drunk, it was deliberate. If, drunk, you then fornicate that may not be deliberate: therefore not mortal.

  You cannot decide, according to your conscience. But (as far as I can see) you have to decide what the Church says; ie your conscience is used (only) to refer you to the known rules of the Church. It was not wholly satisfactory: but some headway was made.

  We went on to redemption. Did Christ die ‘for’ men – if so how? Answer: he died so that all can achieve salvation, in spite of their sins. But they must want to. Or, if they are ignorant (Eskimos) they may be naturally good, and saved even if they never heard of Christ. Ditto if they are Buddhists. But not if they are Buddhists who have heard of Christ, and rejected him in favour of Buddhism!

  He, or the room, smelt sour. But he seemed genuinely delighted at my being a convert: and especially at my enjoyment of the church … He was better on sex: far from wrong, God-created. If alone, one is bound to be tempted etc … I did tell him how madly I behaved, or became obsessed at times. He thought all my bad behaviour and thoughts might be a good thing, insofar as they may have saved me from spiritual pride!

  I left liking him better … He was touchingly kind (I told him about the French priest) and touchingly proud of his church and of its being always packed … which is, indeed, exciting. I have another date on Wednesday …

  I can get Harry to speak to Warburg as soon as you like. BUT can we play the real card, in Warburg’s case? I don’t suppose English Hons. appeal to him.fn51

  I reckon I cannot sell my novel until November … Also there is this blasted rebate (but I have a feeling it will be drastically cut). Anyway, do not worry. You have saved the boat single-handed …

  Thornworthy – 20.8.57

  Your priest cannot be so stupid if he puts his finger directly on your humility, all the same not ‘le top’ as St Teresa would say. Glad though you are seeing him …

  I go to have the car serviced and my hair washed and try to keep an eye on Philippe, though how this is to be achieved with my head in a basin or under the drier is up to St Joseph …

  I don’t see how the Income Tax can fail. They are just bloody slow …

  I hope you had tea with Nat. I think proximity to goodness is a great help, in any form. Mrs W’s natural goodness helps me …

  Thornworthy – 21.8.57

  … Both Roger and Toby want to pop down and see Billy … I am fed up with Hughes. Nothing but weeds and excuses in the garden and not even a lettuce. I planned so carefully many months ago for vegetables for July, August and September … Hughes gets worse, not better and … Dick is going to walk into a bees’ nest …

  I wish the Income Tax would fork up as we would be in a far stronger position if the rent were paid …

  Clapham Common – 22.8.57

  I was fed up so I rang up Tony [Antonia White] (tea next week, with me here) and Woodruff, with whom I have just had lunch. He is shrewd and world-wise, in a non-pejorative sense. Because I expect nothing of him (heart) I am never disappointed (head) – and he is both friendly and informative.

  Reasons for gloom … Work: not regular! No letter from you (post, of course): Times experiment really a waste of time, as my idea of being proved steady is useless. To their mind, I am a ghost! Never mind … I get on with my colleagues (worst paid failures in London) and I have not been rude to my superiors, yet (I won’t be) …

  Soon, soon it’ll
ease off; and we’ll be together. I’ll try to be less horrible.

  Emilyfn52 has disappeared into an Abbey; not, it appears, as a nun. But for some time!

  Peter Rodd has been in plaster for weeks at Cheam. Accident. I might visit him. Typical …

  Thornworthy – 22.8.57

  … I think your explorations in your Graham Greenery [i.e. church on Clapham Common] very interesting but do not forget the Farm Street boys …

  What I want from Harry is what age Warburg’s start the boys at. I think if they are to be told the truth it is for me to tell it … Toby rather wants to go back to Salem to get his German perfect …

  Mrs Grant listened again with pleasure to your broadcast, said it was very good …

  I shall be sad to lose Biene … Rode yesterday and the whole moor smelt of honey as the heather is out …

  We shall get our Billy home. It is far better for him to be away at this age than later …

  Thornworthy – 23.8.57

  Accounts

  I have in hand £37, and with £40 owed me by Schacht which I will get next week and money promised and yet to come – roughly £100.

  From this I must feed the PG’s and Roger and Toby and myself until the 20th, and pay wages …

  Toby wishes to return to Quarr.fn53 He says that during his period of atheism he was very unhappy. He takes his missal to church and reads it during the protestant performance which he finds entirely lacks meaning and boring in the extreme. He wishes time and thought before deciding on becoming Catholic. He thinks about religion a lot …

  He is off to stay with best friend at Bath, son of a psychologist who must believe because Toby and the son are so interested in religion. They have ‘converted’ several other boys [at Bryanston] from atheism back to God. What next? I was profoundly moved at being told.

  Money does not matter either. Happiness is what matters, ‘like what you and Eric have’ …

  Thornworthy – 24.8.57

  … This fin (de vacances) of the summer is trying for us both. I feel like Alice having run very far to remain on the same square, but I have managed the bills and wages and you have managed … the banks and planned your book. It will be better for me after Wednesday. Naturally they all leave at different hours …

  Tomorrow I can take communion which will help me … Both Roger and Toby very sweet. Toby suddenly grown mature, like Heinz, only much deeper far less froth. Judgements on people very acute …

  Clapham Common – 26.8.57

  Nothing has ever given me so much pleasure as Toby’s tribute to God, the unimportance of money, and … ‘happiness like ours’ …

  Time and again, I have asked myself if I should give the boys more verbal guidance, and told myself that advice is a boomerang and that example and atmosphere count, and reproached myself that my example was pretty useless. Now, unconsciously, you have reaped this great reward; because ‘our happiness’, which Toby sees, is your creation and achievement … After all, he is your son. And so is Roger. They are good boys. Give them my love …

  Your annual ‘bash’ is wonderful; it really pays for six months! … You have not run on the same square. In spite of never ending difficulties you have, in fact, solved our problem …

  I am beginning to know what depending on oneself and not on God means … I feel as if I had developed new sinews, through my wonderful Confession at Westminster. Yesterday I sat in the third row. You see the priests giggle, and the castrated (grown men) sing as choirboys.fn54 This strengthens the faith …

  Darling, I must finish the first 20,000 words of my book …

  Eric

  Thornworthy – 26.8.57

  … No time for a proper letter. Watch out for Gugu [Mary’s name for Gustav, sometimes known as ‘Robert Morley’, the humourless German boy with the tiresome father and enormous mother] who has your telephone number. Don’t see him. His bloody parents are arriving at the Ritz tomorrow and he is joining them there … I am exhausted and sick to death of him. What a day. I reached the point where I could not be left alone with him … Biene deeply ashamed for the Germans and Gert cheerful as anything as he is Paraguayan and had his hair cut by the village barber this afternoon who told him ‘not nearly enough Germans were killed in the war’. Gert thinks this is frightfully funny and is coming to mass on Sunday … [he] is one in a million …

  Thornworthy – 27.8.57

  Your wonderful letter this morning gave me real joy. No good saying it is I who reap a reward like Toby (Roger is ditto) it is you too. I have always thanked God for your sweetness and cleverness with them …

  What a loss Knox dying …fn55

  Clapham Common – 28.8.57

  I have been at my desk an hour, and read through the 40 foolscap pages of my novel. The big problem is: Can I now get 1000 words a day written, in spite of being mentally diseased? …

  Thornworthy – 28.8.57

  … So glad you have written to Bowra and Livingstone …

  Hughes really does present a problem. He is deteriorating so fast. Roger is running the electric light and found several faulty cells [in the generator].

  If you get a chance of seeing Schacht will you tell him how thoroughly I appreciate Biene? Give the old rogue my love too …

  Authors’ Club – 29.8.57

  I have just had talks with Schacht … He sends you his regards, and an inscribed book called Confessions of an Old Wizard. I had an hour with him, and Frau and Biene, and he is to come over for a two-day’s interview … Can we have him for the weekend October 4–6? … Don’t say yes if it is inconvenient. He will come at any time, and looks forward to meeting you …

  Thornworthy – 29.8.57

  Your letter sounded sad so I rang you up. They said you had gone to Greenwich! …

  The Schacht camerads rang up, all very jolly, to say thank you … Schacht first, loud exuberance, then Frau S. but she had to talk in English and can’t, then Biene, all very sweet. I was pleased as I love Biene and would do anything for her. Gert says her mother is very strict so I must have been quite a change. I was sad to see her go yesterday.

  Gert has taken Jacques and Bertrand to swim so Roger and I are alone …

  I enclose Father Mangan’s letter. Do see him before you come home. I was afraid my rather racy account of my experiences in the confessional might annoy him but apparently not …

  You did not enclose the pound but keep it, I shall have one for you.

  Nice letter from Quarr [Dom Paul Ziegler], says Toby never mentioned banking but is obsessed with helping backward coloured races, but that if he does turn to banking he has an enormous pull with George Warburg, Sigmund’s son …

  Don’t be silly, you are not mentally diseased … You are bloody well frustrated that’s all and I should think so too! …

  We have been adopted by the new Jane [replacement home help] and I think her husband too. ‘One can’t easily find people like you to work for.’ Am very flattered. Nice to be offered a post as cook at Farm Street but what about my sex? …

  Gert says he was six when the war ended, never knew anything about it and only discovered the horrors of the Hitler regime when sent to school in Germany. He told me, as though I could never have heard it, about gas chambers, anti-semitism and concentration camps, with absolute horror …

  Thornworthy – 30.8.57

  … Can you get me Ronald Knox’s Enthusiasm from the London Library? It’s the book on heresy? Tell Woodruff, who ought to know! ‘Le petit frère’ arrives this afternoon. Tomorrow the Gymkhana. Heavenly weather. Roger got the Wonnacotts corn in and saved their lives. Great gratitude and bowls of cream …

  Clapham Common – 30.8.57

  I have had a polite letter from Haley, who is going to America on Monday; but he has promised to discuss my future when he gets back. This will make it easy to offer him a Schacht article. The Times has some big advantages … and may fit into my scheme: which includes Television, on which I can appear as the interviewer …

  Schacht
is highly irresponsible, at his own expense; rather like a German Bernard Shaw. He may be difficult to place. So I proposed an interview on ‘What to do about World Inflation’; and then we drag in his past, and the present Germany, as side-issues. He quite appreciated this tactic …

  Thornworthy – 31.8.57

  … I would not have missed ‘le petit frère’ for anything (he missed two trains). The answer is l’Indo-Chine, where ‘papa a fait la guerre’, and fait Jacques too. [He] is twelve, looks like a six-year old geisha girl. Absolutely heavenly.

  Baron de la Salle writes, will I keep Bertrand as long as possible … He is well known in France having blabbed a military secret to his brother-in-law who is a journalist. It was in all the papers the next morning and there was a proces! This from Jacques. I now have Gert, Jacques, le petit frère, Bertrand, Roger. Toby comes back on Sunday …

  Thornworthy – 31.8.57

  My Darling,

  Cling to it. The Schacht shot may be a very useful long shot. Now Malcolm is giving up Punch do all the Uncle Tom Cobbly’s fall off that wagon?fn56 …

  Roger leaves the 16th for Sandhurst … We are just back from the Gymkhana where a lovely pony had to be shot because it broke its leg. Otherwise it was a success. Roger and Gert ran and Gert went green and collapsed afterwards but he says he always does and Roger says it’s usual and he does too! …

  Le petit frère is delicious but bone idle … He deceived me at first by enunciating various English sentences with a perfect accent. Jacques was deeply mortified. All is well now as it is revealed that a. He has no idea what he is saying and b. Can’t understand one word. All we all get is an oriental good-humoured stare – ‘Pleeze?’ He arrived with a box of conjuring tricks and is as clever as paint and very funny …

  We must plan not to be separated like this. It is horrible for you, you have had quite enough loneliness in your life and beastly for me ditto. I really feel a Catholic now. Not a good one but I have been given the vehicle, the life belt which I needed. Je tiens au Jesuits et Benedictin’s [sic]. Je tiens to you too, Friday week my darling,

  Your Pol