Unconditional

by Linda Rettstatt

  “Me at a spa doing yoga?” She wrinkled her nose. “But I’d love to set up the house for you. Unless it’s important to you to do that yourself.”

  “Just the nursery. I want to do that myself.” I removed one of the keys from the key ring in my purse and handed it to her. “I was going to give you a key anyway. Here you go.”

  ~ * ~

  The following Friday, I settled back in the aisle seat and fastened my seatbelt, bound for Phoenix. “Nikki, thank you for suggesting this trip.”

  “I’m glad you came along.”

  Then I got a closer look at her. “I didn’t notice that earlier.” I pointed at the butterfly tattoo on the side of her neck.

  “Oh, yeah. I got it for the trip. You like it?”

  “It’s pretty. Do you have other tattoos?”

  She grinned. “One on the small of my back. I almost got my nose pierced, but I wasn’t sure that would be acceptable for the office.” Her eyes flashed. “Hey, maybe we can get you a tattoo in Sedona.”

  “I don’t think so. No needles, especially not while I’m pregnant.”

  “Oh, yeah. Not a good plan.” She handed me a folder. “These are the program options you can choose from when we get to the spa. And look.” She extracted a sheet of paper from the folder and pointed. “They have yoga for pregnant women.”

  I groaned. “I have never once wanted to do Yoga.”

  “Might be a good time to try something new. Just look through the offerings. I’m taking a nap.” She rolled up her jacket, tucked it under her head, and closed her eyes.

  The bend of her head exposed a full view of the colorful butterfly. I had no desire for permanent body art, but admired the way Nikki decorated herself as if she were a gift.

  ~ * ~

  Nikki opened her eyes and stretched in the narrow space when the attendant came by to offer drinks. I chose a bottle of water. Nikki ordered a glass of white wine. With the new airline policies, her drink cost nearly as much as checked baggage.

  “Isn’t the point of this retreat to cleanse your body?” I asked, eyeing the wine.

  “Yes, and I’ll have all week to do just that. Give me a break. I quit smoking six months ago, and I gave up sex and sugar. This is my one last little indulgence before I’m at the mercy of a guide for the next week.”

  A guide. Having a guide sounded good. I removed the folder from the seat flap and handed it to her. “I’m opting for the Pamper Your Body and Soul program. I need a little pampering—massages, meditation, and Tai Chi.”

  “Good choice.”

  I had finally begun to relax enough to doze off when the pilot announced preparation for landing. We were swept along by our fellow passengers through the terminal to the baggage claim area. Outside, a van bearing a painting of red rocks and a soaring eagle awaited our arrival at the curb at Sky Harbor airport’s terminal two.

  “There it is.” Nikki pointed. “Windrider Spa.”

  The driver, a tall bronze-skinned man with jet black hair drawn into a ponytail, swung our luggage into a carrier. “Welcome to Arizona, ladies. I’m Gordon.”

  One-hundred-seven degree heat smacked me in the face, and I welcomed the van’s air conditioning. “It’s hot.”

  Nikki nodded. “But it’s a dry heat.”

  I glared at her. “It’s heat.” Then, trying to fight off the bad mood that blossomed for no apparent reason, I added, “At least the sun’s shining.”

  Gordon slid into his seat and closed the door. “We’ll be at the spa in about ninety minutes, so sit back and relax. There’s a cooler beside the luggage bin filled with water and fresh fruit.”

  I settled into the plush seats. Even the van offered comfort and quiet. As we left the city, I gazed at the changing terrain. Soon massive red rocks, smoothed by time and sculpted by the elements, came into view. The contrast was breathtaking.

  “It’s so beautiful,” I murmured.

  “Doesn’t it make you feel small?” Nikki replied.

  “It makes me feel like I should whisper.”

  “How’re you ladies doing back there?” Gordon asked.

  “Oh, we’re fine, Gordon.” Nikki flashed a broad smile.

  “I’ll give you a quick tour of the town before we go up to the house. If you want, you can make arrangements for a shuttle into town on Tuesday and Friday.” Gordon maneuvered the van along the narrow street lined by shops. But my gaze fixed on the mountains and the rocks. I knew it wasn’t possible to feel yet, but I imagined my baby stretched and settled in comfort. Perhaps it was my own spirit. I felt a lifetime away from Thomas and Francisco, from my patients, and from the obituary page of the Post-Gazette.

  At the spa, we were greeted by a woman with long graying hair that draped her shoulders. She wore a white tunic belted by a strip of leather and silver, and a pair of simple sandals. Silver and turquoise jewelry adorned both hands and wrists. The joy in her eyes and her open smile captured me. “Welcome to Windrider Spa. I’m Melanie. You must be…” She studied each of us and extended a hand to Nikki. “Nikki, and you’re Megan. Come with me. Gordon will bring your bags.”

  We entered the adobe building and, once inside, Melanie removed her sandals. Nikki sat on a small bench and removed her shoes as well.

  “What are you doing?” I hissed to Nikki.

  She looked up, a serene glaze over her eyes. “Taking off my shoes.”

  Melanie smiled. “We believe that contact with the surface, with our foundation, opens us to new possibilities. The soles of the feet are a network of nerve centers to our body and mind.”

  “Isn’t it unsanitary? I mean, the place looks clean, but with everyone walking around barefoot…”

  Melanie blinked. “Do you have a foot problem?”

  “Me? No, but… Fine.” I sat down and slipped off my sneakers, wondering what I’d gotten myself in to. Nikki, on the other hand, looked blissful, as though she’d just had an orgasm. And I wished I looked like that.

  We were given a tour of the house. The open archways invited me from room to room, and a gentle breeze circulated through the earthy stucco interior. Flute music wafted softly throughout the building.

  By the time I reached my room, Gordon had already placed my suitcase on a stand at the foot of my bed. Nikki occupied the room across the hall. In my room, one ocean blue wall contrasted the soft sand colors. Native American pottery and paintings decorated the table and walls. A double bed in a carved wooden frame sat beneath a broad window affording a magnificent view of the red rocks. A rocking chair and reading lamp graced the far corner. I peeked through another door to find the private bath—where I planned to wash my feet as soon as possible.

  I would have been content to stretch out on the bed and stare out the window, but Nikki knocked on the door and escorted me to the gathering in the great room. People sat cross-legged on pillows or brightly-colored rugs on the floor. I chose a chair next to a very-pregnant woman, who I later learned was Christy.

  Melanie invited us to make our introductions. After a short description of what our stay would be like and a run-through of general housekeeping instructions, Melanie introduced us to the rest of the staff—Eric, the yoga and Tai Chi instructor, Sasha, the masseuse, and Gemma, the chef, with her daughter, Jasmine, as her assistant.

  “Sasha and Eric will also serve as your personal guides this week. One of them will be available to you at all times. And you’ve all met Gordon. He’s our driver and caretaker of the grounds.” Melanie looked around the room at each of us. “I ask that you turn off all cell phones and electronic devices while you are here. You were all given the emergency number with your confirmation, and we’ll locate you, should you receive an urgent call. Any questions?”

  Is it too late to turn around and go back home?

  “Good. Schedules will be posted of the various activities, and you can sign up for Sasha’s massage schedule at the registration counter. We will gather this evening at nine for meditation outside on the patio. Enjoy your dinner.”
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  I made a beeline for the registration counter. By the time I left here, Sasha the masseuse was going to be my best friend. I signed up for a massage every day, alternating between afternoon and evening appointments.

  Nikki stepped up beside me. “I thought someone launched you off the sofa. Are you doing okay?”

  “Aside from not knowing why I’m here, yeah, I’m fine.”

  She put an arm around me and hugged. “Relax. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

  “Except walk around barefoot, exposed to God knows what,” I grumbled.

  “Let’s have dinner. That should be an adventure. Did I mention it’s all vegetarian?”

  “What else have you failed to mention?”

  “It was all in the brochure.” She took my hand and tugged me toward the dining room.

  I made a mental note to always read the fine print—and the large print—before committing myself to anything in the future.

  ~ * ~

  When we gathered on the patio at nine o’clock for meditation, I breathed the clean air in deeply and exhaled, letting my body relax. For Nikki’s sake, I decided to try to be pleasant and enjoy the week.

  Melanie led us through a series of deep breaths then guided us in a meditation. “We receive the love of the universe. We embody the love of the universe, and we give that love back through our being. We are loved without condition.”

  Love without condition. It was going to be a long week if I would be expected to forgive and forget what Thomas had done. I closed my eyes again and tried to relax.

  When the meditation time ended, I stood and stretched. My body felt renewed. Melanie watched me for a moment, then moved my way. “How are you enjoying your time here so far?”

  “It’s…uh…a different experience for me. I never thought I’d eat tofu, but dinner was amazing.”

  “Tofu is like a chameleon. It absorbs the flavor of whatever it’s cooked with. Gemma is a master chef.” She continued to stare.

  “Is something wrong?” I asked.

  “You are here for a purpose.”

  “Yes. I need to relax. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.”

  “No. Not because of the past or the present. It’s something in your future.”

  I took a step back from her. “You see the future?”

  “Not exactly. My spirit tells me that you’re here to gain strength for something that is to come.”

  My spirit was perched on my shoulder and shouting at me to go home. I said, “Oh, probably becoming a mother.”

  She stared directly into my eyes. “You’re searching for something because your spirit knows you must be prepared. Your love will be tested.”

  I felt cold all of a sudden, and I shivered. What the hell did that mean?

  Melanie placed a warm hand on my arm. “I sense things sometimes. And I sense this has nothing to do with your child. Not directly. Don’t worry. You’ll find the strength you need. We all do, if we’re open.”

  My mouth was dry as the desert. “Yes, well… I think I’ll turn in now.”

  In my room, I laid with my head at the foot of my bed, staring out the open window at the sky sprinkled with stars. I considered Melanie’s words, and then I thought about Kat asking me what I was looking for by going to all those funerals.

  I’m a practical person. I believe what I can see, what can be proven. I didn’t believe in fortune tellers or clairvoyants. No one could predict the future.

  I turned onto my side and curled protectively around my baby. What had Melanie meant that my love would be tested? Hadn’t it already been tested by Thomas?

  Maybe I could fake morning sickness and stay in bed tomorrow.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I wanted to take Sasha home with me. She kneaded my muscles and compressed points where tension gathered. I felt truly relaxed after each massage.

  And I wanted to smack her every time she, in her guide role, reminded me it was time for Tai Chi or meditation or one of the other new age events intended to make me one with the universe.

  On Tuesday, I practically knocked Gordon over getting into the van to spend the day browsing the shops in town. I was ready to kill for a burger and fries. I had lunch with Christy. “Have you been on one of these retreats before?” I asked.

  “Oh, yeah. My husband gave me a week here as a gift when I was expecting Ian, our oldest. I returned again while I was pregnant with Lily, our daughter.” She grinned. “I’m hoping this will be my last pre-delivery visit. Next time, I plan to come alone.” Nodding, she said, “You must be, what, three months along?”

  “Thirteen weeks. So, do you know Melanie very well?”

  Christy sipped her drink. “Not well, but isn’t she amazing? She reminds me of my mom, except with less talk and more insight.”

  I toyed with my straw. “She said something that has me wondering.” I told her about the conversation with Melanie the first night of my arrival. “What do you think that could mean?”

  Christy furrowed her eyebrows. “Hmm. I don’t know, but it doesn’t sound ominous. I mean, it’s good when our love is tested. It makes love stronger, doesn’t it?”

  I thought about Thomas and wondered if my love, that seemed to be hanging by a slender, frayed thread, could stand any more testing. “I don’t know. It just gave me a weird feeling.” I shook my head. “It’s probably nothing.”

  ~ * ~

  Acceptance was the theme of the evening meditation. As soon as Melanie began to talk in her soft, soothing voice and I closed my eyes, an image of Thomas and Francisco flashed through my mind. How could I accept that my husband was gay, but not accept his being in a relationship with another man? I would have to eventually come to terms with this fact. But it felt too much like giving up, or giving them my blessing. Not going to happen.

  “Meg?” I opened my eyes and found Nikki staring at me, concerned. “Wow, you were gone.”

  “Gone?” I looked around. Not another soul in sight.

  She plopped down on the floor beside my chair and sat cross-legged. “The meditation ended ten minutes ago. You must have really been in a trance.”

  “Yeah. Trance.” I looked around. “Where’s Melanie?”

  “Probably in her room.”

  I stood. “Where’s her room? I have to talk to her.”

  “Something wrong?” Nikki rose fluidly to her feet.

  “Not really. It was something she said that first night. I need some clarity.”

  Nikki followed me back inside. “Her room’s upstairs, in the private area above the entry. Can’t it wait until morning?”

  “Not really, especially after tonight. I’m going to see if she can talk. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “I’ll be awake, if you need to talk.”

  I headed for the stairs, hoping I wasn’t breaking some rule by seeking out Melanie. At the top of the stairs, I found three closed doors. One bore a soaring eagle, the second a grey wolf, and the third a bear. I chose the eagle and knocked.

  Melanie opened the door. “Megan. Come in.”

  She seemed unsurprised by my visit. I hesitated and then asked, “Is this a bad time? I have a question.”

  “Not at all. Come. Have a seat.”

  I entered a sitting room scented with sage and lit by candles. I sat in a low chair covered with a brightly colored blanket.

  “Would you like a cup of tea?” Melanie asked.

  “No, thank you.”

  She filled a mug and sat on the sofa. And she waited.

  “Well…um… The first night I was here, the meditation was about unconditional love. And you said something that I’ve wondered about. You said my love will be tested.”

  She smiled and nodded.

  “I…uh…wonder if you could tell me more about what that means.”

  “Only you would know what it means.”

  How many times had I said that to a patient? Did they want to smack me the way I’d liked to have smacked Melanie at tha
t moment? “Yes, but… I’m going through a really rough patch right now. My husband and I are separated.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “You didn’t know that?”

  Melanie chuckled. “I can’t read your mind or predict the future. I sense people’s feelings. You seemed sad and anxious. I thought it might have something to do with someone you love.”

  “So you concluded my love will be tested?”

  “Yes. Those we love the most are the ones who can test our love. We all believe we love unconditionally. But, then, we’re tested by some unexpected circumstance or event. And those tests show us who we are and what we’re made of.”

  I nodded as if I agreed. I didn’t know that, however, because I sensed my test had just begun. “What if we fail the test?”

  “Then the universe affords us another opportunity.”

  The Universe. Good grief. “Opportunity? But you called it a test.”

  “It’s the same thing, isn’t it?” She leaned forward, locking eyes with me. “You’ll know the opportunity when it’s presented to you.”

  “How?”

  “You’ll feel stretched to respond. That’s the opportunity.”

  Stretched. Yeah, I’ve been stretched, just about to snapping. “So, if I miss the opportunity, I’ll get another?”

  “I believe so. It’s part of our growing as human beings.” She reached out and clasped my hand. “Don’t be afraid. Love is never wrong.”

  I would dispute that point. “Thank you.”

  Instead of heading for my room, I returned to the patio. An indigo sky back-dropped a littering of stars. In a cushioned Adirondack chair, I settled back to gaze at the pinpoints of light. My head began to pound, and I rolled my neck in an effort to ease the tension.

  Am I being called by the universe to forgive Thomas and accept his choice? Oh, God. I sound like some new age goddess worshipper. I pressed the soles of my feet down onto the cool stucco. I needed to feel grounded. I woke when a coyote howled somewhere in the distance. The plaintive cry resonated in my chest and sent me fleeing to the safety of my bedroom.

  I stopped and tapped on Nikki’s door.