Mrs. Pargeter's Principle

by Simon Brett

  He crumpled and fell in exactly the same way as Edmund Grainger had a little earlier.

  Following the precedent set by Kelvin Mitchell, Mrs Pargeter found some bits of clothesline in the kitchen and trussed up her victim hand and foot.

  Then, going against the habits of a lifetime, she rang the police to report that she had an intruder in the house.

  She looked at Derek Bardon to see if he was still breathing. He was.

  And then she looked, with satisfaction, at the smashed shards of pink, white and gold china that lay around his limp body.

  THIRTY

  ‘I could replace it,’ said Gary as he drove the Bentley sedately towards Girdstone Manor. ‘Buy you another one. Because I know how much you liked it.’

  Oh dear, thought Mrs Pargeter. Her polite thanks for the china cat had been interpreted as enthusiasm. She would have to find a diplomatic way out of her current social dilemma. ‘I think the trouble is, Gary,’ she began cautiously, ‘that because of the circumstances in which the cat was broken – you know, with me being attacked by that monster – it’s always going to have unhappy associations for me. So I think if you were to give me a replacement, it’d just, I don’t know … well, it’d bring it all back.’

  ‘No, I fully understand that,’ said Gary. Hooray, she’d got away with it. But he went on, ‘It’d be better if I bought you something completely different.’

  Mrs Pargeter winced. She wondered what new artefact Gary’s dodgy taste would soon be inflicting on her.

  She tried further diversionary tactics. ‘You don’t have to buy me anything, Gary. Just having you in my life is all that I need.’

  The chauffeur glowed, reading rather more into her words than had been intended. But, of course, Mrs Pargeter was unaware of that.

  The bride and groom looked stunning. Sammy’s dark hair was lustrous above her white dress, contrasting perfectly with Kelvin’s ash blond and black suit.

  All her friends from the hen party, including Erin Jarvis, had dressed up spectacularly, and Girdstone Manor did prove to be the ideal venue for the occasion. The guests’ every desire seemed to be anticipated.

  The one thing that did strike a discordant note with Truffler and Gary was that Kelvin Mitchell, through his cousins in the constabulary, had organized a guard of honour of uniformed policemen, who led the way into the chapel.

  ‘Still doesn’t feel quite comfortable, does it?’ said Truffler.

  ‘No,’ said Gary.

  Once everyone was in the chapel, the Reverend Holy Smirke conducted a beautiful service. He had talked a lot to the young couple, so his remarks about them sounded really personal. From a pew at the back, his ‘housekeeper’ Ernestine watched with pride.

  During the service, Mrs Pargeter, dressed in a sumptuous turquoise ensemble with cartwheel hat, looked along the rows with pride. Gizmo Gilbert was there, wearing an ostentatiously new suit. Mrs Pargeter had introduced him to a young entrepreneur who was keen to develop ‘The Zipper Zapper’ commercially, so it looked as though Gizmo’s money troubles might be over.

  And Mrs Pargeter had told him how his invention had been instrumental in saving her life. He was duly gratified.

  Sitting a little in front of her was Helena Winthrop with Napper Johnson at her side. Their heads nestled close together. Since meeting Napper, Helena had been transformed. Gradually, the Botox effect of her upbringing had worn off, and her face had relaxed into something almost girlish. Napper was just as ecstatic as she was.

  Mrs Pargeter had already arranged with Sammy that Helena should be the one targeted to catch the bouquet. It wouldn’t be long before all memories of her unhappy marriage to Sir Normington Winthrop (or Hair-Trigger Hardcastle) would be washed away by a new, happy marriage.

  Mrs Pargeter felt a warm glow. Though she could never recapture the fulfilment she had felt while her husband was alive, she was more than happy with her new family, made up mostly of his former associates.

  And as she looked fondly along their ranks, she was unaware of a pair of eyes from the row behind fixed on her throughout the service. But then she never had been aware of Gary’s devotion. Nor of the fact that his main preoccupation at that moment was thinking of a suitable replacement for her china cat.