All Roads Lead Home

by Wasowski, Mary

  I was about to call him when I was distracted by the FedEx envelope I had thrown on my coffee table. Deciding to put off calling Tommy, I picked up the envelope to see what it was.

  What I found inside made my knees go weak. Thank goodness I was already sitting down. I ran my fingers over the handwriting. It was addressed to me by him…my brother, Jamie.

  How? Who would have sent this to me? With shaky fingers, I opened the second envelope that had my brother’s handwriting on it. I wiped away a tear and began reading his words to me.

  Dear Tumbleweed,

  If you’re reading this letter, then I have been gone for five years now. Not like you need a reminder, but it is what it is. The reason why you are receiving this letter now is because you have not kept your promise to me like you said you would. How do I know this? Well, you’re going to have to trust me on this. And believe the person I have put my complete faith in to help you sort it all out and get your shit together. Let me begin by saying…

  I’m sorry, baby sis. I’m so very sorry for leaving you. It was not what I wanted, and you must believe that I did fight. I fought so hard for you, mama, daddy, and me. In the end, I just wasn’t strong enough to fight my leukemia. I’m sorry I died, but you are still here. You still have a chance to live and be happy.

  What about Jagger? Is he happy? If I had to guess, I would say he wasn’t and just existing like you are. And Shane? They were my best friends, brothers for life. You know it freaked me the hell out when I learned Jagger had feelings for you and how they ran deeper than just friendship. I wasn’t sure if I should have beat the hell out of him, or congratulate him on choosing the best gal I knew. Note to baby sister: If you didn’t want to be caught, then you should have locked the damn door! Oh my eyes…that’s an image I didn’t soon forget. Okay, moving on.

  When I asked you to carry on with your life, I didn’t mean “Break my best friend’s heart.” Shortly after you left for school, he visited with me. Stayed by my side for two days straight until I forced him to leave. That man was stinking up my room and in need of a shower. All we talked about was you and how much he loved you. Shane came by too. They were trying to mend the broken fences between them. I kind of blackmailed them into forgiving each other for real and not just talk, but say the words I needed to hear. I can only pray they meant it. Bros before…well, you know the rest, and don’t get mad, I would never think that way about you, nor would they. Baby sis, you made an error in judgment. Your one mistake doesn’t mean it’s not forgivable. Okay, trying to stay focused here. As hard as this is for you right now to read this, it’s not any easier on my end. I want daddy to send a plane for you and bring you home, but you are where you need to be, as I am.

  “Dammit Jamie! Why didn’t you? I would have come home.” I took a breath before reading again. This letter was tearing my heart out.

  I promised the guys that I would haunt them if they didn’t find a way back to being brothers. We all laughed, but I couldn’t leave knowing they were hurting. It was bad enough knowing you were suffering. Why, baby sister? Jagger loved you, and I have to imagine he still does, but who knows how his life is now? I told you once that I didn’t have a crystal ball to see the future, but I always wanted your future to be with him. He was the other half of your heart, and I truly hope you find your way back to each other. Okay, that’s all I’m going to say on that…for now.

  The day you left for school, you said all the right things of what I asked of you, but my big brother know-it-all skills tell me different. You didn’t really take my advice, did you? Sure, you did everything that was expected of you. I’m only assuming here, but I’m guessing you graduated at the top of your class, I know I’m right. So, you have this new life in a new place, but are you smiling? Are you happy? If not, then I’m disappointed. “Moving forward” meant to live your life to the fullest. Do what I can’t anymore.

  Once again, baby sis, if you are reading this letter, then you did the complete opposite of what I asked of you. And that makes me so very sad.

  You are receiving this letter today on the anniversary of my death for one reason and one reason only. You chose wrong.

  Stop hiding.

  Stop running.

  Come home.

  I love you, Tumbleweed. I’ll be watching from heaven to see if you took my advice.

  Love Always,

  Jamie

  I whispered through my tears, “Wendy…” She would be the only person who would have sent me this letter, but why? Obviously I know why because I just read it, but I thought I was doing a pretty good job of living my life to the fullest. It may not be ideal to my parents or even Wendy for that matter, but it is my life. I’ve been with Steele and Copeland Law Firm since they recruited me out of Yale Law School. I’ve worked my way up through the ranks and last year was my biggest win when I made partner. They have been so good to me. I work incredibly hard for them. I win cases…big ones.

  All my success comes with a price. I live alone. I bought a beautiful apartment on the upper west side with a spectacular view of Central Park. Tommy found it for me, and Zoey helped me decorate it. It’s the perfect space for me. Big enough to entertain my important clients and make me appear bigger than I am.

  I live alone.

  My choice.

  I don’t even have a cat. I guess the old wives’ tale doesn’t apply to me. Not that I would have time to care for it anyway.

  How could Wendy send me a letter from my dead brother? This hurts so much. Did he not trust me at all? I did what he wanted me to do. It was Jagger that gave up on me first and, only after losing Jamie, solidified my decision to leave and not look back.

  We were in love…so in love. We made it through the separation of attending different colleges but always made our time count when we reunited. It was crazy, but we did it. Jagger, Shane, and my brother all attended the University of Wyoming, and I was at Creighton University in Nebraska. The guys were in their senior year while I was beginning my freshman year. Another adjustment Jagger and I dealt with, but after I graduated, we had the summer to really plan. I knew I wanted to practice law in the city, but where? I still had law school to finish. It was assumed that I would stay close by, but after a discussion with my father, I applied to Yale Law School. I couldn’t have gone further, but daddy said that if I had the grades, then I could have my pick. It wasn’t easy for my father to give me this much freedom. I barely made it to Nebraska without a thousand arguments. Now I was actually asking him to send me across the country to further my education.

  I loved Daddy so much for believing in me. I wasn’t ashamed of the life my parents led, but like Jamie always said: I was a Tumbleweed, and I chased the wind.

  Sure I wanted a life with Jagger, but on my terms. Always after making love with him, he would promise me the moon and the stars. We were so in sync with one another and then at times, so very different. Like worlds apart different. He knew I always wanted to become a lawyer. I wanted to fight the injustice in the world. I thought he believed in me, but after the fantasy became the reality, I was wrong.

  Jagger, like his father, wanted the ranch life, just like Shane and Jamie. He was following in my father’s footsteps to one day take over for him. That dream never happened for Jamie, but mine did. And now after all this time, I receive this letter. I’m left to question all the choices I made since the day I boarded my plane and never once looked back.

  On that day I took with me: Jagger’s sheer look of devastation when I once again rejected him. The feeling of a father’s love and adoration when he hugged me goodbye. And Jamie’s smile. He was being brave for me and never allowed me to see his fear. Again, my big brother putting my needs above his very own.

  I allowed my mind to drift even further back, when Jamie was alive and always wanted what was best for me.

  “You know if you keep staring at the mailbox, you’re going to go blind.”

  “Shut up, Jamie. It’s coming today, I know it,” I said excitedly.
“It has to come today.”

  He smiled back at me with his dazzling smile and steel blue eyes.

  “I hope so, Tumbleweed, I really do hope so. I was just making fun, don’t get all upset now. Does Jagger know you applied? Oh man, sweet girl! Your eyes tell me ‘No.’ Tenley, I told you to tell him. He has a right to know. It’s only fair.”

  “Jamie, don’t start. If you ask me, I think Jagger is secretly hoping that I don’t get accepted anywhere, and I’ll just remain back here with him.”

  “Is that so bad? I thought you wanted that.”

  “Yes and no, it’s complicated.”

  “It doesn’t have to be, baby sister. You love him. He loves you. That’s it.”

  “Jamie, you’re right. I do love Jagger, more than words can say, but I’m not going to become a lawyer working a ranch. I want more, and I thought you had my back on this.”

  “I do sweetheart, always. I just have to have his back as well. I love you so much. I was never more proud of you when I saw you accept your college diploma. We were probably the loudest group in the place. I need you to know that whatever decisions you make will somehow affect him too. This is what you signed on for when you declared your love for my best friend, or do I have to remind you of that?”

  “No.” I said, sulking.

  “Good! Because that’s a memory I don’t care to re-visit at this time. Don’t look now, but here comes the mail truck.”

  “This is it, Bro. That truck is going to have my letter on it.”

  I ran toward the mail truck before he even had a chance to stop. I think Pete knew I was anxious. I had met him at the post every day for the last month. He handed me a stack of mail and there it was, my letter from Yale Law School.

  I screamed so loud, I scared the horses.

  Jamie walked over and lifted me into his arms. He said, “Well go on, this is what you’ve been waiting for.”

  I smiled up at my brother and ripped open the envelope.

  Dear Ms. Fairchild,

  Congratulations! It is with great pleasure, and my honor to inform you of your admission to Yale Law School as a member of the Class of 2009. You were selected from an accomplished and academically talented group of applicants who applied. You and your classmates are truly outstanding in your achievements, and in your diversity of interests and potential. Again, congratulations on your acceptance. Please let me know if we can be of any service to you. Looking forward to seeing you on the grounds of our exemplary school.

  Yours,

  Maxwell Owen Slavish

  Director of Law School Admissions

  “I got in, Jamie. I did it. I’m going to Yale. This is real right? I’m not dreaming.”

  “I don’t think so, baby sis. Unless you are secretly being punk’d, this letter looks like the real deal.”

  “What’s all the commotion about?” daddy said, as he came out, he knew just by my expression. I handed him my letter, and he took me in his arms. My daddy was a tall man. When I was little, I thought he was a giant. I still needed to tilt my head to look up at him. He was strong too, so twirling me around was effortless for him. I felt cherished when my father held me. I was his princess and today, I made him proud. His eyes were glassy, but he shrugged it off. Cowboys don’t cry.

  “You did it, baby girl. I never had a doubt in my mind. Maybe one day I’ll hire you to oversee ranch business.” He looked over to my brother, but now with a touch of sadness. I quickly brushed off the weird vibe and hugged my father again.

  “Thank you, daddy. I love you. Thank you for making this possible.”

  “I didn’t do anything, baby girl. Your determination and good smarts got you into that school. It is a check worth writing. You are worth every penny.”

  “Okay, okay, no need to butter me up. I’ll do your work pro-bono.”

  “That’s my girl, but you can bill me, I’m good for it,” he replied.

  We all laughed. This was one memory I would hold onto forever.

  “Tell mama I’ll be home later. I’m going to find Jagger.”

  “Now, honey, don’t go breaking that boy’s heart now.”

  I wanted to laugh, but my daddy and Jamie looked nothing but serious at the moment. What were they hiding? I had no time to think about it. I was way too happy to think about anything else.

  Everything was perfect. I just got into my dream school. Jamie was still doing great and was in remission. All was perfect in my world. I just wanted to share my news with Jagger and hoped he would be happy for me.

  I drove as fast as I could to his ranch. His father ripped into me on my driving, but then he hugged me after I told him about my letter. He was a bear of a man. Muscle from head to toe from the years of working the ranch. I asked excitedly if Jagger was home, and I was told he was mending fences out on the north pasture. His father allowed me to take one of the ATVs out as long as I wore my helmet and drove safely. I crossed my heart and promised him.

  The sight of Jagger nearly caused me to crash into the newly repaired fence he had just mended. He was shirtless with his Wrangler’s hanging low on his hips, and his hat dipped low over his forehead. I swear he gets sexier with each passing day. Working in the hot sun with his muscles glistening with sweat, I could hardly keep my legs together. He knew I was watching him.

  As I got closer, he called out to me. “Take a picture, it will last longer.”

  I didn’t need a picture when I had the real thing to rub up against. We had sex all over his daddy’s ranch, but never in pure daylight where we could get caught. I didn’t know if it was all the romance novels I had been reading, but I was feeling adventurous and wanted to play with my man.

  As I parked the ATV, he strutted over to me and lifted me up into his strong arms. It was like hugging a solid mass of muscle. I loved the feeling of him against my body. I didn’t know if was my euphoric feeling of getting into Yale, or Jagger himself, but he was fucking hot and I wanted to just devour him. I breathed in his manly mix of Jagger. His smell was my undoing. I fucking loved it. I could lick him up and down, all day long. His eyes, alluring and hypnotizing, drew me in closer. By the way Jagger was looking at me, he was just as ravenous for me, as I was for him. I loved him…so much.

  “For a minute there, I thought I was hallucinating. Are you actually on one of my daddy’s ATVs?” he asked, as he kissed my neck and left a trail of kisses, leaving me wanting more.

  “Actually, I’m in your arms at the moment and wishing we were fucking,” I responded.

  His eyes brightened as if I secretly guessed what he was thinking. I continued, “So, getting back to your question, I’m not on an ATV.”

  “I stand corrected,” he responded. “Thank you for clearing that matter up for me, and yes, my love, I wish we were making love, you dirty girl. I swear you need a good hiding.”

  “Why? Are you volunteering?”

  “Yes. So what did I do to deserve a visit from you? Or are we going to keep playing this game?”

  “You know you love it.”

  “I do, baby, and I love you, but I don’t think it’s the reason why you drove out here, so what’s up?”

  “This.”

  I pulled out my letter from my pocket and showed it to Jagger. He nearly dropped me on my ass from shock. I remained in his arms, and my legs wrapped around his waist, as he silently read on.

  “You got in? You really are going?”

  “Hell yeah! I’m going. It says it right there.” I pointed to the letter. “I’m going to Yale, and you are coming with me. Don’t you see, Jagger? This is just the beginning of our new life together.”

  He dropped the letter to the ground and placed me down along with it. He turned away from me and walked over to the fence. With his head down low, I quietly asked him what was wrong.

  “You don’t know, do you? How could you stand here looking all happy about leaving our home? When you first told me about Yale, I didn’t think you were serious about it. I really thought it was your way of messing
with your parents. Now here you stand and show me an acceptance letter from one of the most elite schools in the country, and behaving as if I should just be okay with it. What the fuck, Ten! How could you do this to me? And more importantly to us?”

  He kicked the fence post with his boot and screamed out in pain. His cries made me step back for a moment. I had never seen him angry before, not like this, and not directed at me.

  “Jagger, listen to me, please. This letter represents our future. My future with you. Don’t you see? It’s a new beginning. A chance for us to be out on our own and living the life we want to have.”

  “No, Tenley. This is your life, not mine. I thought you understood. My life is here on this ranch. This is my future. The only fucking future I want. Jesus, Tenley! I had hoped you would have wanted to share it with me. This ranch is my life. You, Tenley Faith Fairchild, are part of that. How could you think for one second I would want anything else?”

  His words were breaking my heart. I couldn’t believe I didn’t see this coming. I had a difficult choice to make here, and deep down I knew my choice would break his heart, but what about mine? I’m caught in an impossible situation, and I feel defeated. I could stay here and live his dream with him on this ranch, or I can break free and follow my dreams. If I said yes to him now, I fear I would only resent him later, and then where would that leave us?

  “I’m sorry, Jagger,” I said to him, “but I’m going. It’s clear we want different things for our future, and it’s not in each other’s world. We don’t fit, not anymore. We were the perfect puzzle, and now we’re just broken pieces.”

  “You’re going? That’s it? You just kick me out of your life as If I never meant anything to you? I love you, Ten. You are going to stand here and say we don’t fit in the other’s world? You are my world! My entire world! Why can’t you see that? We can have it all. I am going to take this ranch further than my father ever could, and at the top of my list is to marry you. You are meant to be a Parrish. To think anything else is just irrefutable. Don’t break my heart baby. Please stay with me.”