All Roads Lead Home

by Wasowski, Mary

  I quickly covered him up and began talking to him. “Some things never change. Every time I’m around you, I just want to jump you, and if memory serves, you always let me. Oh Jagger! Please wake up. I have so much to tell you. I’m hoping you will want to hear it and give me a chance to be your friend again.”

  Who am I kidding? We were always so much more than friends. We were each other’s soul mate.

  After talking for a couple of hours, he never stirred a bit. I was thirsty and got up to get a soda. I returned a few minutes later and noticed his hand had shifted. I wasn’t sure if my eyes were playing tricks on me, but I was hopeful that Jagger was indeed coming back to me. I sat and sticking out from my purse was Jamie’s second letter to me. I wanted to know what was inside of it, but I didn’t want to hurt over it. I’ve cried enough in the last few days and wished to cry no more. I can’t change my past. I can only move forward.

  Another hour passed and my lip was nearly ripped open from me chewing on it.

  “Screw it!” I said as I ripped open the envelope.

  Dear Tumbleweed,

  If you’re reading this letter, then I know you’re finally home where you belong. So far, you are choosing right. I knew you would, but I had two very different letters prepared just in case. I’m happy you are reading this one.

  How was your ride with Jazzy? She missed you, I’m sure of it. A horse never forgets her owner, and you two always shared a special bond. I love you, Tenley, so much. I’m happy you found your way back home. Please stay this time and remember all the great things about our home. You will always find more good than bad.

  When you’re ready, visit my grave with mama and daddy. You three need to come together as a family and find peace in your loss. I know I’m asking a lot, but it needs to be done. You have to take the next step in your story. Tenley, it begins with saying goodbye to me. You weren’t ready five years ago, but you are now. Please think about it.

  Tell my brothers I love them. Even in heaven, I’ll always be here for all of you. Before you chew the shit out of your lip, yes, my sister, another letter is waiting for you. When the time is right, Wendy will know what to do. Don’t be mad at her. This wasn’t easy on her to agree to this request of mine, but because she loved me and loves you, she couldn’t deny me.

  I love you, Tumbleweed. I’ll be watching and waiting to see what you do next.

  Love Always,

  Jamie

  Wiping away my tears that have once again fallen down on his letter, I sighed and held it close to my heart.

  “Oh Jamie! I miss you so much. Why did you leave me?”

  If there was ever a better time for Jagger to wake, this would be it.

  “Come on, cowboy! You’ve slept long enough. I bet you are loving torturing me with your silence. I’m strong, Jagger, I promise I can take it. You can say anything you want to me, but you need to wake up first. I totally get playing the ‘hard to get’ card, but come on. Even you would have to agree enough is enough. Please, Jagger…please. Wake up and come back to me. I’m here. All you need to do is open your eyes.”

  I looked for a sign, and he remained still.

  “GOOD MORNING, JAGGER.” I say as I sat beside his bed. I made myself comfortable for yet another day waiting for him to come back to me. It’s been more than a week, and no change. So much for waking my sleeping cowboy. I didn’t really think one kiss from me would do the trick, but somewhere deep inside, I did hope.

  Why isn’t he waking up? Physically he is on the mend, so why this never ending sleep? Does he know I’m here?

  After receiving Jamie’s second letter, I decided to stay on here until Jagger woke up and we had a chance to talk. Sounds crazy, right? No crazier when I actually heard myself talking to Raymond Steele about giving me an extended leave of absence. He wasn’t all that thrilled about it, but I am a partner now, and I have never asked for such a request. I was ready to throw the legal card at him. I couldn’t be denied a leave of absence. This was not me on holiday in Belize, this was personal. I was home for a family emergency. Raymond was always kind to me, and I was happy I didn’t have to use my usual gladiator tactic and push him into agreeing. He just wished me well and hoped I would return soon. He made me laugh by telling me that Zoey was driving him crazy.

  I’m not sure what will happen when Jagger finally does wake, but I have to be here when he does. I have to see this through and hopefully find the closure to my past—our past—and finally be able to move on with a clean slate. Is that possible? I want to believe it is, so I will.

  I began to doze in my chair when Shane entered the room. He seemed a bit nervous about something. I asked him if he was okay, and he gave me the biggest grin. His smile cheered me up, and now my curiosity was now piqued as to why he looked so happy.

  “Hey, Tenley, how’s our boy doing?” he asked quietly.

  “The same.” I replied.

  “Can you step outside for a few minutes? I have someone I would like you to meet.”

  “Of course. Hey, cowboy, I’ll be right back. You might want to think about opening your eyes. Remember I told you about Nurse Shirley, yeah that one. Well, she likes you, so do us all a favor and wake up, so you could flirt with her. You think about it, and I’ll be back in a few.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. I would say just about anything right now to get that man to open his beautiful eyes.

  I closed the door behind me and stepped out into the hallway. Shane walked over to me, hand in hand with a gorgeous blonde by his side. I didn’t recognize her, but why would I? I don’t live here anymore.

  “Tenley, I would like to introduce to you my fiancé, Shelby Morrison. Shelby this is Tenley Fairchild, um…”

  Shane had seemed to stutter over the last part. The last time I checked, we had settled to be friends, so that’s what I would introduce myself as.

  “Hi, Shelby, very nice to meet you, and what Shane is trying to say is that I am an old friend. We grew up together.”

  “No worries. I’ve heard all about it,” she replied.

  Nervous didn’t look so hot on Shane. He almost looked sick with her snide comment to me, but I shrugged it off and didn’t saying anything sarcastic in return.

  “Congratulations on your engagement,” I said to Shelby, who never took her disapproving eyes off of me.

  I couldn’t help myself, so a little snarky return wouldn’t hurt too much. I said, “So Shane, when we talked last week, you never mentioned a fiancé, or even having a girlfriend for that matter.”

  Her blue eyes darted back to Shane, as she waited for his response.

  “I didn’t mention it to you because the subject of my life was not the focus at the time, you coming home was. Now that you are here, it was time for you to meet Shelby. We are getting married on Valentine’s Day.”

  “How romantic for you,” I said. Yeah, that was a bit snarky, but it’s clear the girl is sizing me up. I’m not her competition for Shane’s attention.

  “Shelby, would you mind going downstairs and grabbing me a coffee? I need a few minutes here with Tenley.”

  “Sure, baby, I’ll be right back.”

  “Don’t rush on my account,” I called out, getting a raised eyebrow from Shane. He waited until the elevator door closed to begin our conversation.

  “What has gotten into you? I bring my fiancé here to meet one of my oldest friends in the world, and you behave like a total bitch. What the fuck, Tenley?”

  “I’m a bitch? Did you see the daggers your girl was shooting at me? She’s never met me until today, and she looks like she hates me on sight. Shane, this is the last thing I need right now, a little heads up would have been nice.”

  “I’m sorry if she was rude. We’ve been through a lot to be together and with you suddenly here, it has stirred up some old wounds.”

  “I have no idea what you are talking about. What old wounds?”

  “Tenley, I met Shelby about a year after you left for law school. I never had any inte
ntions on getting serious with anyone, but she kind of nailed me right in the heart and it’s been hers ever since. I struggled for a while with my feelings, not easily allowing her to get close. I thought I was so in love with you that a part me was hoping you would come back to me, not Jagger. I was so foolish to ever think that. You were like wishing upon a star. I wished and wished and then for one brief night, you were mine. The fantasy was beautiful. The reality wasn’t like anything I dreamed of. The realization of losing you before I really even had a chance with you hurt me most. Then you left, we lost Jamie, and I was left here to pick up the pieces of my life without you in it.”

  “Shane, I’m so sorry you ever had to feel a moment of pain, but I can’t change what happened between us. I can’t be held accountable for how you felt about me, when it was you who never shared your feelings with me. I can only own my part in what happened after, and for that I’m sorry. Shane, I’m done saying I’m sorry. If what we talked about last week has now suddenly changed, then I will accept that and move on. Although, you will not be able to avoid me all the time. I am a Fairchild, and the ranch which you work on is my home. We still need a level of civility between us, for the sake of the business.”

  “Wow! You are fucking unbelievable,” he retorted.

  “Now what did I do?”

  “How do you do it, Tenley?”

  “Do what, Shane?”

  “Be you. It must be exhausting being a full-time bitch. I came here as a friend and now I’ve been reduced to a lowly ranch hand. Well, princess, let me enlighten you. I am a partner in the Fairchild Dynasty. You may be blood, but it’s my blood, sweat, and tears that work that ranch every single fucking day. So please get off your soapbox and curb your city attitude. Be my fucking friend like you used to be, because you are sure as hell not my boss.”

  “Once again, my dear friend, thank you for your honesty. At least I know where we stand with each other.”

  “Dammit, Tenley, this is not where we stand. I hate that we are fighting like this. I want us to go back to how we were before I fucked it all up. Please, can we do that?”

  “We fucked it up.” I reminded him. “Shane, we can never go back, but I can promise to try to move forward. I’ve missed you these last years, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t. The few interactions we had were not nearly enough, but I’ve accepted how things were because I still felt guilty for all that happened. I don’t feel that way anymore. Not since we talked. From my parents to Wendy, they have all talked to me about it. I can’t live this way anymore. Holding onto the past has brought no good to my life. So Shane, it’s done. Where do we go from here?”

  “We start over.”

  “You mean it?”

  “With all my heart. I love you, Tenley, but I’m in love with Shelby Morrison, and I can’t wait to marry that woman.”

  “And I can’t wait to marry you. I love you, Shane!” she screamed from down the hallway back to him. As she walked up closer to us, she said to me, “I’m sorry, Tenley, since you are starting over with Shane, how about me too? I’m not normally a jealous person, but it’s been hard living in your shadow. I guess I had to see for myself what makes you so special.”

  “Come on, Shel…”

  “Shane, please let me finish. I’ve heard hundreds of stories from Shane, your parents, everyone who knows your story with Shane, Jagger, and your brother. At times, I wasn’t sure how Shane and I would work, knowing he still had unfinished business with you.”

  “Shelby, I can assure you, I’m no threat to your relationship or future with Shane. I want him to be happy and you seem to want that too, so do it. I won’t be the one standing in the way of that.”

  She nearly dropped the coffees she was holding and lunged herself at me, nearly knocking me over in the process. She was crying happy tears, I think, and boy what a grip she had on me. I guess this is what she needed to hear. At least I can help someone while I’m here.

  “Thank you,” she whispered in my ear.

  I didn’t need to say anything else. I gave Shane a hug, Shelby too, and left them be while I returned to Jagger.

  After another hour passed, I was so tired and that room chair was not the greatest thing for my back. I gave my body a much needed stretch and contemplated climbing into bed with Jagger. I was small enough to squeeze in beside him. So I kicked off my boots and snuggled up next to him.

  This would be the first time I’ve actually really felt his body up against mine in over five years. I closed my eyes and got lost in my memories.

  It was several days before our big fight since we last made love. I remember every detail of that night. We took out our horses, Jazzy, and She-devil, and rode through the late day hours to catch the sunset up on the north ridge. Jagger had settled the horses and then settled me. We were sprawled out on a blanket and lying on our backs, staring up to the sky. It was summer time here in Wyoming, and the skies were colored in pinks, blues, and fluffy white clouds. Jagger had his mother pack a basket for us filled with goodies to share.

  Those were the perfect kind of dates. I didn’t need fancy restaurants, or high priced gifts, I just needed Jagger. Even though I knew we were out here alone, I was always afraid my daddy would ride up and catch us. I wanted to make love with Jagger under the stars, but my fear of my father won out. He laughed at me in a teasing way, but agreed with me in the end. We finished our dinner and rode back to my parents’ cabin. Jagger had me pinned up against the door before I could even drop my keys.

  His body towered over mine. He loved to hold both my hands to his one over my head and kiss and nip at me. I loved it, and he knew it too. We always tended to fuck hard first, and then he would make sweet love to me on the bed. He was well, big, and I felt the immediate stretch of his dick as he entered me. My fingernails would dig into his cobra-like arms until I got used to the intense invasion. He would smile at me because he said my fingernails felt like kitten claws on his hard muscles. After we made love, he would always take care of me. He would run a bath for me, or just clean us both up and hold me while I drifted off into sleep.

  I blinked my eyes open, and I suddenly didn’t feel all that well. Remembering making love with Jagger, and to be here with him now made my heart ache. I carefully moved out of the bed and as far as I could get with my tears flowing.

  “What am I doing? God, Jagger, you must hate me for how much I’ve hurt you. I’m so fucking selfish. They have me all convinced that this is where I belong…here with you. I’m behaving as if you’re going to wake up any minute, take me in your arms, and we will magically get back together.”

  I just stared back at the beautiful man sleeping so soundly. I felt more lost than ever. I grabbed my things and bolted out of his room, not looking back at him. I didn’t have the strength to stay. Here I was telling Shane not too long ago to move on from the past, but can I really do that for myself? Everyone seems to think that Jagger is just going to wake up and welcome me back. This will never work. We will still be at the same crossroad we faced five years ago. His life is here in Wyoming, and my life is in New York. Mama has already asked me if I would ever consider relocating back here or close to the nearest city. I never answered her question on account of not wanting to hurt her feelings with my answer. I simply could not predict the future and where I would fit into Jagger’s life, or even expect to.

  They all want me back, but the one I truly need to hear from can’t tell me. I passed Wendy’s house on my way out of town. I almost stopped to talk to her, but I was being led in another direction. I knew where I had to be and hopefully would find the answers I need.

  I parked my truck and hiked up the hill to see the beautiful panoramic view of King Mountain. I knelt down on the cold hard ground. This would be my first time here since I lost him.

  “Hi Jamie.” I whispered, as I brushed the fallen snow off his stone.

  “HI, JAMIE. SO I’m following part of your letter. You have to realize how hard this is for me to be here, knowing where you
are. I’m sure you already knew when you were writing your letters to me that I would eventually end up here.”

  “Please understand that I didn’t stay away all of these years because I was punishing mama and daddy. It was more like punishing myself. I know I’ve hurt them with my distance, but what was I to do, Jamie? I already made so many mistakes. The way I hurt Shane and Jagger was the beginning of the end. I think back now on how I could have compromised and gone to a different school to stay closer to Jagger, but it was never about leaving him, it was more about me experiencing life away from the ranch.”

  “You know I loved the ranch, but I also wanted more beyond the life I was born into. I never knew how much my choice hurt others around me until mama’s phone call to me last week. Now I’m home, where they say I belong, and the life I was leading back in New York is on a permanent time-out until I figure out what to do next. I can’t stay here, Jamie. I just can’t leave the career I’ve worked so hard for to just walk away from it. I have built a life there for myself, and I’m not a hundred percent sure if I want to walk away from all of that. Don’t you think if I wanted this picturesque life here in Wyoming, then I would have come back way sooner than now?”

  “Jamie, I sit at Jagger’s bedside day in and day out, waiting for some kind of sign that he knows I’m there. It’s been over a week Jamie, and he is showing no sign of waking up. I don’t know how much longer I can do this, brother. I know you are disappointed in the choices I’ve made, but they were mine to make and there’s no point of regretting them now. It’s just too late. Mama wants me to stay on through the holidays, but I’m not sure. Not a day that goes by that I don’t miss you, big brother, but being back home has shown me one thing. I have to re-join the land of the living. I’m nearly thirty years old, and I’m alone. I won’t sit here and tell you that my career is enough, because that would be a lie.”