I was still worried about She-devil, and how she could have thrown Jagger off of her. The lawyer in me wanted to interrogate him about his accident, but there was time for that. We had so much to talk about, and where would we begin?”
“Hey, Tumbleweed,” a voice behind me called out. I turned to see Wendy, who was leaning up against the stable door.
“I thought you decided on not calling me by that name anymore. Change your mind?” I laughed.
“I guess you will always be a Tumbleweed to me, and so much more.”
“Now don’t go getting sappy on me, Wendy, I kind of like your street cred a little bit.”
“I hear Jagger’s awake and asking for you.”
“Way to get right to the point.”
“Is there any other way?”
“I suppose not. Yes, I know he’s awake and I was just about to go in to shower and drive into town. My nerves are getting the best of me this morning, so a ride on Jazzy cures all.”
“You don’t have anything to be nervous about. He’s probably chomping at the bit and stalking the door for you to walk through.”
“Wendy, I’m scared shitless right now. I know what I said while he was in a coma, but now he’s awake and probably has a hundred questions to why I’m home. What am I going to say? Being here doesn’t change the fact that I still have another life waiting for me back in New York to return to. Is it fair of me to just give him false hope and break his heart all over again? I won’t do that again, Wendy.”
“Does that mind of yours ever just slow the hell down? You seem to already have it all figured out, and you haven’t even seen him yet. Damn girl, take a step back and get yourself back to neutral. The first step is to see him, the rest? Take it one step at a time.”
“How can I Wendy, when I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop? Is there another letter coming from Jamie?”
“I’m not at liberty to say.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. You’re all the same, even Jamie. You say I have it all figured out, but you’re wrong. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing since I made the decision to come home in the first place. My heart is confused, my brain even more. I can’t even decide what to eat for breakfast, let alone decide on how all of this will play out with Jagger. On top of all of it, if I choose wrong, I’m bound to get another letter from Jamie. You all think you know what’s best for me, but you’re all being heartless. I have to go. Please don’t follow.”
“Hey, Tumbleweed…” she called out. I ignored her as best as I could, but never to give up, Wendy called out again, this time with a loud shrieking whistle call. “Tumbleweed!”
“What?” I turned to shout back.
“Coffee, juice, and cinnamon rolls. On the table and waiting for you. You see? Breakfast is served.”
She gave me a gratifying smile and then winked. God! She was infuriating at times, but damn how I loved her. I looked up to Jamie in heaven.
“Okay brother, what’s next for me? Please show me the way and help me not hurt Jagger today. Keep watching.”
When I got home, looking through my closet, my mother took it upon herself to unpack for me and hang all my clothes. It wasn’t snowing today, but brutally cold. I felt like a teenager going on her first date with the boy she had hoped would ask her out. Now I had all the bumblebee’s dancing around in my stomach as I tried to decide what to wear to see Jagger. He wouldn’t care if I was wearing sweats and a t-shirt, but for some reason I want to look good for him. He always paid attention to every detail about me. Today would be no different. I didn’t think he had changed that much. It was me we had to worry about.
I decided on my faded jeans with a cashmere sweater and paired them up with my brown cowboy boots. I wore my suede blazer with it and my favorite infinity scarf. Once I was dressed, I looked like a cowgirl on Fifth Avenue. Before I could second guess my ensemble, I bolted for the door, leaving my Louis Vuitton bag behind. Being wealthy was no secret, but flaunting my New York life in front of Jagger would just remind him of what I left him for. Living on the ranch, material items like bags and shoes were insignificant, but a requirement in my new life.
“Don’t you look pretty?” mama said as I made my way down the stairs.
“Thank you mama.”
“Why the long face? It’s not even Christmas yet, and we already have been blessed with a miracle. Are you on your way to see him?” She already knew the answer to that.
“Yes, I’m leaving now and not sure when I’ll be home.”
“Can you give your mama a few minutes?”
“Of course, what’s on your mind?”
“You. Always you, my beautiful daughter.”
“Mama, you don’t have to worry about me, I’m fine.”
“Someday when you have children of your own, you will understand that a parent never stops worrying about their children. I can’t help Jamie anymore, but I can help you if you would allow me to. You’ve been so distant from us for so long now. I want my daughter back. And before you say anything, I’m not talking just here in your family home, but I want back in there, where it should always matter.”
She reached for me with her hand and placed it over my heart. Mama was never one to mince words. Her truth was gutting me wide open. I didn’t even know how to respond to her, so I did the next best thing. I took her hand and placed my cheek on it before kissing it.
Before my tears could fall, I hugged my mother, told her I loved her, and walked out the door.
I WAS JUST about going out of my mind when a knock tapped out on my door. Finally! She’s here. I adjusted myself in bed and waited for her to enter, but it wasn’t her, it was Shane.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I couldn’t help the hostility in my tone. Shane was the last person I wanted to see right now, if ever.
“Come on, Jagger. Don’t be that way. Can I come in and talk with you?”
“What could you possibly say that I would want to hear…brother? You left me for dead on that ridge. Are you hear to finish me off, because I have my rifle underneath this cover, and I won’t hesitate blowing your fucking head off?”
DID I HEAR him right? Shane left Jagger for dead on the ridge? No, not possible. Jagger must be confused. The hall was empty and I should have just walked right in, but curiosity won out in the end and I remained quietly listening outside. Who knew what they would tell me if I questioned them, so I waited.
“Jagger, that’s not true. Please let me explain. Please just give me that?”
“Shane, I don’t owe you a goddamned thing. Anything we had left of our broken friendship was destroyed in that moment on the ridge. You are the reason I’m in this bed, and you alone should be in jail right now for attempted murder on my life.”
“It wasn’t like that. I would never hurt you. I just lost myself for a second, less than a second, and then you fell.”
“Yeah I fell Shane, and nearly to my death. Was that what you were hoping for? That I would die, and then you get to have Tenley all to yourself? Well, sorry to disappoint you, Shane, but I lived, and there is no way in the deepest depths of hell will I ever let you near her again.”
“Jagger, you’re talking crazy. Just shut up and listen for a fucking second. I did not try to kill you. I should have never knocked you off your horse, but I was so angry at what you were saying to me, and the real truth of it all behind your words. I am so sorry. I never meant it. It was an accident, one I will regret for the rest of my life.”
“You should regret it, Shane, because I will never forget it. We are not friends, we are not brothers, and we are not anything…anymore. I can’t prove what happened on that ridge, but I know what my gut is telling me and that’s all I need. You were so angry because you lost…again, but what you need to come to terms with is that you can’t lose something that was never yours in the first place. What you think you had with Tenley is just a fantasy that you conjured up in your head. A fucking fantasy! That’s all it was and will ever be. What
I had, and will have again, is real. I have loved her since the moment she gave me the chance to prove to her my intentions were real. I never stopped loving her, even when she hurt me the most with you.”
“If you loved her so much, then why have you waited so long to fight for her? Why didn’t you fight back then? Now you’re going to sit here and throw some unrequited love story in my face. It’s been five years, man. You act as if this was yesterday.”
“It was, Shane. I have replayed it over and over in my mind since the day I had that fight with her. A fight that should have never happened. Our fight should have never happened either, but it did, and I can’t change how I feel. She’s never going to be yours. The sooner you get that through your head, the better off you will be. My reasons for not going after her are mine, and mine alone. All you need to know is that from this moment on, I will fight for her with everything I have, and if she still refuses me, then I will fight harder until she sees what’s right in front of her. You stopped me once, Shane. Don’t even think about trying it again.”
“I’m sorry, Jagger. I never meant to hurt you. I have battled the demons in my soul for so long now. I did something I could never come back from. I hurt Shelby so much with the walls I put up between us. Tenley deserves a man that will love her with his whole heart, and I wanted to be that man for her. You were right about it all, Jagger, she was just a fantasy. What I have with Shelby is real, and it’s mine if I want it, and I swear to God, I do. I promise you that I will not interfere with you and Tenley again, I swear it on my life.”
“Well right now, Shane, your life means nothing to me, so take your promises and get the hell out of my room before I do shoot you.”
“I won’t give up on us, Jagger. You are too important to me, and we’ve been through too much for you not to forgive me. I’m so sorry, brother…I’m so sorry.”
“GET OUT! GET out! I mean it Shane! Get out!” He finally turned to leave and then she was standing there with an ashen face and glassy eyes. Fuck! She was listening.
She looked like she wanted to run, and that’s exactly what she did. She took another look at me and then left as easily as she walked in. I called out to her as loud as I could, but she didn’t come back. I was trapped in this bed, and she was trapped with Shane.
“TENLEY! PLEASE, STOP for a minute.” He called out to me and took hold of my arm before I could reach the bay of elevators.
“Don’t you touch me! I will scream this place down if you don’t let go of me.”
“I’m not going to hurt you. Calm down and let me explain.” Shane implored me.
“Explain? Oh hell no! I’ve heard enough. How could you possibly explain to me how you chose not to save your friends life? How could you, Shane?”
I began to cry. I didn’t want to be consoled, I wanted to feel this pain I was going through. Jagger could have died and once again, it would have been my fault. They were arguing because of me.
Shane backed away and sat down. He looked broken and lost, kind of like I was at the moment. He held his face in his hands and cried along with me. How did we all get here? Once upon a time we were as close as three friends could be. We were a family, and I don’t even recognize us anymore.
The only time I ever witnessed Shane crying was at my brother’s funeral, and it hurt like hell just as much as it does now. I was angry with him, but at the same time I wanted to comfort him.
“Shane, please? Tell me what happened. I have to know.” It didn’t matter what I overheard, I had to hear it from Shane.
With his head down, he quietly began to speak. “It was an accident. A stupid reckless accident. We were bringing in the animals and trying to get out of the storm. The wind was whipping at our backs. It was a savage storm that just landed right on us. He was screaming for me to follow, but then my mind just shifted to you. I had overheard our fathers, along with Ren, talking about Jagger and his planned trip to go to New York to see you. We managed to get some relief from the storm by seeking cover under some trees. The horses were restless with the lightning strikes hitting one after another. I can’t even begin to explain why I chose that moment to ask him about you, but when I did, he immediately got angry. We began to hurl insults at each other, and then something just boiled over inside of me, and I knocked him off She-devil.”
“So She-devil throwing Jagger off of her was a lie?”
“Yes, it was. I stepped out of my body and didn’t see my brother in front of me anymore, I saw the reason why I wasn’t with you. I attacked him. I hit him with everything I had until he fought me back, and that’s when he lost his footing and fell over the edge. He called out for me to help him, but I was withdrawn. I could hear him, see him, but I couldn’t move my arms out for him to grab onto. Tenley, by the time I snapped out of my disoriented state, it was too late.”
He continued, “I was so scared after he fell down the embankment. I saw him fall and then he was just gone into the darkness below. I screamed and screamed for him, and then finally radioed in for help. I swear I did everything I could to find him before help arrived. We were in the middle of a storm, so the helicopters had to be on stand-by until it passed. We all searched on foot until the copter spotted him using night locating sensors. When we finally reached him, I didn’t know if he was even breathing. I fell to my knees and just lost it. He was airlifted here, and after they cleared him physically, it was just a waiting game to when he would wake up.”
“Were you hoping for a lesser outcome?”
“Of course not! Tenley, how could you even ask me that?”
“How?! How could you not help him Shane? And when you snapped out of it, it was too late. He could have died Shane! He could have died! And what would you have done then? Go off pretending like you weren’t the one that was responsible for it? Go marry Shelby, take over my father’s ranch, and live out the rest of your pathetic life into the sunset? Damn you Shane! I thought you were my friend, one of my best friends. You and Jagger were Jamie’s best friends, brothers to him and to each other. What the hell happened to all of us?”
My stomach was churning with the disgust I was hearing from Shane. I could taste the acid lining my throat as my stomach retched. I ran for the nearest garbage and expelled everything I had eaten this morning. It kept coming up until I had nothing left. I felt empty and drained.
“Here, drink this, it will help.”
Shane handed me a Gatorade to drink, but I refused it. I took some water from the fountain instead.
“Please, Tenley, look at me. I swear on my life, and on the lives of my parents, and Jamie’s memory. I would never consciously hurt Jagger. No matter how he feels about me right now, I have to believe he knows me better beyond his anger. He’s my brother for life.”
“I can’t speak for Jagger, but I can for Jamie. He loved you both very much, but that doesn’t mean you get to use the memory of your friendship to ease your guilty conscience. This is on you, Shane, and I hope you can find your way back to the guy I once knew. Because this pale version of you is not who I know and love with all of my heart.”
I continued, “You need to stay away from Jagger, and me. I have all I can handle right now. Please don’t call me. I know I can’t avoid you completely on the ranch, but if you see me coming, please turn and walk in the other direction. I swear to you, Shane, if I have to, I will remove you from the ranch. You may be a partner, but the Fairchilds hold the majority. It’s my family’s home, and clearly by your actions, it’s not yours…anymore.”
“Please, Tenley? Please don’t do this to me. I know no other way of life. That ranch is my life. I will not lose it. Please?”
“What the hell do you want from me? Forgiveness? We tried that, remember? And now here we are. I find out that you are the reason for Jagger’s near-death accident. And now all you have to worry about is your future on the ranch? You did this all on your own Shane. No one forced you to do what you did up on that ridge. You did that, and now you have to live with it. Get your head ou
t of your ass, Shane, because you should be praying that Jagger will have a change of heart and not choose to press charges against you. Hell, if he does, I’ll represent him myself. I’m so angry and disappointed with you, Shane. He could have died! Do you hear me? He could have died by that river with a broken body and heart. Did you think for one second how Jagger’s death would have left a permanent mark on you? You see, that’s what loss does. It breaks you and swallows you whole until you have nothing left. I now realize the fulfilled life I thought I had been living was truly empty without the other half of my heart.”
“It was always him, Shane, it was always Jagger. I’m just sorry it took nearly losing him for all of eternity to get me to finally realize it.”
I left him there. I left Shane alone, broken, and completely lost while I went back to Jagger. How could we all have changed this much in five years? While I was selfishly living my life in New York, the two men I cared about were struggling and fighting against a storm that was raging heavily on both of them.
For the first time, I now see what my decisions have cost the people in my life who have loved me. Jamie was right. They all were right…I chose wrong.
I WATCHED HELPLESSLY from my hospital bed as Tenley walked away from me, and with Shane. If I could, I would have ran after her, but my injured leg stopped me from doing that.
Where is she? I saw the look in her eyes. I knew she heard what I wanted to share with her privately, but Shane confronting me earlier forced my anger to the surface.
I wanted to choke him for what he did to me. He wanted forgiveness for nearly killing me. I begged him to help me, but his eyes were blank as if he just checked out. He reached for me too late, and I lost my grip and fell below. How I’m not dead is a miracle. My mother believed this to be true, maybe I should too.
All Roads Lead Home Page 15
