“Knock, knock. Are you decent, Mr. Brown Eyes?”
My flirty nurse was back. Even in the worst of circumstances, I have to admit that Shirley made me smile and laugh.
“Hi, Shirley. I don’t suppose you saw Tenley out in the hallway? She’s been gone for a while and I really need to see her.”
“I saw her while she was talking to your friend, Shane. I don’t know what happened up in here, but that boy looked like he was going to be sick or something. I almost checked in on him, but they looked like they were in a heavy conversation. I’m just saying is all.”
“Yeah, I hear you, Shirley. Can you please check the hall again for me?”
“I will, but first you need to take your medicine.”
“I don’t want anything that’s going to make me tired. My leg is fine.”
“Oh really? Let’s test the theory, shall we?”
“Wait, Shirley! What are you going to do?” and before I could say anything else, she moved my leg off the traction device and a sharp shooting pain vibrated through my entire leg. I gritted my teeth to not give her the satisfaction, but I began to sweat on account how much it hurt.
“You still don’t want any medicine, Mr. Brown Eyes?” She waited for me to answer with her sassy attitude.
“That was a dirty trick, Shirley, and if you try that again, you no longer can call me Mr. Brown Eyes.”
“Okay, I’m sorry, but I knew no other way to show you that you still need to take it easy and rest that leg. You’re lucky you still have one.” She reprimanded me with a stern warning.
“When am I getting this cast off?” I asked her.
“Oh don’t you go worrying about it, handsome. Dr. Sampson has ordered the cast removal tomorrow morning, and then you begin physical therapy.”
“I don’t want that. I can do all the healing I need back on my ranch. My tests showed nothing, so I’ll handle the rest on my own.” I knew I was calling bullshit, but I needed to get the hell out from this bed and this hospital. I hated to be confined, and it just brings back too many sad memories of Jamie.
“Okay, Mr. Brown Eyes, let’s get serious now. You do realize you are lucky to be alive, don’t you? You are awake and completely alert after a month-long-plus slumber. Give yourself a minute to catch up, please? I promise you if you can cooperate with doctor’s orders and follow your therapy, you will be released sooner than you think.”
“Okay, Shirley, you win. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She smiled and left me on my own.
I took my pills and minutes later, I was down for the count and replaying my horrific fight with Shane.
When I was younger, I used to ride up the north ridge all the time and sometimes played chicken with my horse. The extreme side of me always wanted to take it a step further, but a near miss many years ago taught me a valuable lesson.
Daddy used to say: “You don’t have control of the land. The land owns you. Go up against it and you will lose.” Maybe I didn’t understand what he meant back then, but I certainly did now, as once again I was faced with going up against something I didn’t have control over. One: Mother Nature. Two: My deep rooted anger for Shane.
“Come on, Shane!” I called out to him as we came upon the north ridge of my ranch. It was the highest peak and the most dangerous. “We have to get back before this storm lands directly on us.”
“Okay, I’m right behind you. All the horses are safe. Calm down, man! It’s not like she’s going anywhere. It’s been five years, I’m sure she could wait one more day.”
What the fuck? How did he know? I certainly didn’t tell him I was leaving for New York. We decided a long time ago that the subject of Tenley was forever off limits.
“You can wipe that look off your face, man. I know where you’re headed. Are you sure you want to go down that road again?” Shane asked me.
“Any road I decide to take is none of your business, so stay the hell out of it.”
“Why should I do that when I’m involved too?”
“The hell you are. You have nothing to do with me and Tenley. If anything, you were one of the reasons we were torn apart.”
“You keep telling yourself that my friend, but it was you that drove her away, not me.”
“Fuck you, Shane. You don’t know what in the hell you are talking about.”
He almost laughed as if he knew something I didn’t, but that wasn’t the case. He never knew what promise I made to Jamie where Tenley was concerned. This was my secret to keep, and I never shared it with anyone.
“Shane, you need to let her go, once and for all.”
“I have.”
“No you haven’t, and that’s pretty fucked up since you have an amazing woman in Shelby who would do just about anything for you, but yet you still won’t marry her. You spend all your time pining away for my woman.”
“What we shared that night, Jagger, you will never understand. You are just pissed because she gave herself over to me so easily.”
I was on the verge of kicking his ass all over my ranch, but the storm was getting closer, and we were still a long way back to safety. We only had some trees to give us a little cover, but with the wind blowing so hard at us, it really did nothing to help us. He was just trying to rile me, but fuck me for trying to figure Shane out.
“What’s wrong, Jag, nothing to say?”
“I have plenty to say to you, Shane, but once again you have proven to me that you are not worth my time. You can keep your fantasies about Tenley all tucked away in your fucked up mind, but I’ll have the reality.”
“She could have loved me first, Jagger, but I was too afraid of losing what we had in friendship. And then when I was ready, you came along and turned her head.”
“I’m trying to figure out just how deluded you really are, Shane. She was never yours, ever. You need to get that straight. I didn’t have to do anything to make Tenley fall in love with me, it just came natural for us when it was ready to happen. It is not my fault that you didn’t take your shot when you had the chance, but get the fuck over it. You can’t lose something that was never yours in the first place.”
At that very moment, Shane charged me, catching She-devil off guard. He came at me at full speed and knocked me off my horse where I was almost toppled by her. She-devil kicked up on her hind legs and then took off into the darkened night. I was startled from his attack. Shane was screaming at me to get up. It took me a second to get my bearings, and then I was face to face with him. He shoved me with a hard push to my chest, but I stayed where I was this time.
He screamed at me, “I loved her. I still love her. She didn’t love me back. Don’t you get it, man? She didn’t love us back, not enough to fight for what we had. We had our friendship first. The bond we all shared meant everything to me, and when she left, she fucking broke me! No matter what I assured her with, I was lying to myself and to her. Deep in my heart, I wanted Tenley to choose me, but she was selfish and left us both broken. Don’t you see that? Jagger, that’s why I can’t marry Shelby yet because I’m still all fucked up over Tenley. Why do you think you haven’t been able to commit to anyone? Because you’re not over it yet. You are still so angry and living in the past that you don’t want to move on from it. She’s gone, man, and will never come back to you or me. The girl we loved died along with Jamie.”
“You are wrong, Shane, and I am far from being broken. I’m not living in the past and I can assure you that I am over it. I loved her then, and I love her now. Do you understand me? I. Love. Her. And I will get her back. You stopped me once before, but I will be damned if I allow you to do it again. What you had with Tenley was one fucking drunken night…a mistake, probably the biggest of her life. She fucked you to fuck me out of her mind and heart. It’s that simple, brother. Get it through your head once and for all. She will always be mine!”
“No!” He shouted over the howling wind.
Shane punched me on the side of my head. My vision blurred, but I still
was on my feet to strike back. We entangled ourselves punching each other where we could get our hits in.
Shane was just as big and strong as I was, so it was like fighting myself. I finally bucked him off of me, and he came at me again. One shove later, and I missed my step and I went over the ridge. I grabbed on to the tree roots that were embedded into the side, but I was barely hanging on. I screamed for him to pull me up. He looked as if he was in an unresponsive state. Maybe I hit him too hard. My screams fell onto deaf ears, the wind was ferocious and my grip was slipping. I screamed again and again.
“Shane, pull me up! Pull me up. I can’t hang on much longer.”
I was praying to God for help. “Please don’t let me die. Please God, hear me please. I can’t die like this and she never knowing how much I still loved and wanted her.”
“Please, Shane! Help me.” I screamed as loud as my voice allowed me to.
At his moment of clarity, Shane reached down and grabbed my hand, just as my other hand slipped from the branch.
“Come on, Jagger! Grab on to my hand. Come on man!” He was screaming for me to pull myself up, but I couldn’t. And that’s when I was flying. Not on my horse, but falling down to my death.
I could still hear Shane’s cries as I fell further down to the earth below. My body ricocheted off the mountain as if I was a ball in an arcade machine. I could feel every razor edge stab as I hit more debris going down. My body crashed into the earth below. Before I blacked out, my first thought was of Tenley. “I love you.”
Now weeks later, I was fighting to wake and that’s when I heard her soft voice begging me to open my eyes. I didn’t know why I was asleep for so long, maybe it was my fear of discovering what I would find once I did awaken, but it was her voice that led me home. I was back with Tenley, back to where I was before my accident and before Shane. I talked to her parents and to Wendy. I soul searched with Jamie at his grave and then talked with my father. He never stopped telling me about his faith and love he had for my mother. He believed with his whole heart that if something was meant to be, then it simply would be. It didn’t matter the timeframe of it, just the point that it existed at all.
Dad asked me if I still wanted my life here on the ranch and who I saw myself sharing it with. That was an easy answer…Tenley Faith Fairchild. My girl was meant to be a Parrish. I could see no one else by my side to share my life with. I had already built our home and had taken over all ranch business years ago. My father and I were partners. He was just enjoying semi-retirement, just like Shane’s father. They were cowboys through and through, but it was time for the next generation to take over.
Once upon a time, my dream was shared with Jamie and Shane. We were all going to be united as brothers and partners, but fate handed us a level of sadness that we never really were able to get past…we lost our brother. I lost Tenley, and then I lost Shane. We were never the same as we once were, but put our differences aside and tried our best to find closure in what broke us for Jamie’s sake. Now after my accident, and Shane being the cause of it, we’re even more lost to each other than ever before.
Shane says he is sorry. He never would hurt me. No matter how I feel or I believe, he said we were brothers for life. He would do anything to prove that to me and make me forgive him. It took my accident to get him to finally see that he truly does love Shelby, and what he thought he wanted with Tenley was just a fantasy like I said it was. Too bad I had to pay the price for his moment of revelation.
I don’t know how much time I will have with Tenley, but I have to make her see that she belongs here with me. I love her so much. My father asked me what I would give up to have Tenley back in my life. I thought about it for a minute, and then said…everything.
He didn’t look surprised by my answer. He patted me on my back and then pulled me into one of his bear hugs.
“I love you, son. Go to New York. Go get your girl.” I hugged him hard and thanked God for giving me an amazing man to call my father.
“I will, sir. I will.”
AFTER MY TALK with Shane, I just needed to clear my head. I took a walk out into the Wyoming frigid air. Probably not the smartest thing to do in December, but it did me some good. I walked only a short distance before my legs went numb from the cold chilling air, but I would take this any day over the conversation I overheard and walked away from.
Jagger accused Shane of trying to murder him. My blood went cold after hearing those words. I was frozen, and yet I stayed to listen. They were both screaming, but Shane’s voice was not filled with anger, it was laced with guilt, pain, and begging for forgiveness. Jagger was another story. He sounded as if he wanted to kill Shane. The only other time I heard that level of anger was when Jagger had to witness me in bed with best friend. I would never forget the hurt in his voice or the look in his eyes.
Now we were here again. The three of us caught up in this vicious circle of anger, pain, and loss. I was here to right those wrongs, not cause more of it. I knew I had to stop blaming myself for what happened. It’s in the past, my past, and I couldn’t do anything to change it. Even this fight they were having, my first instinct was to blame myself and allow their fight to become my own. That wasn’t fair to me, and I needed to let that weakness go. I may not be perfect, but I paid for my sins and up to the time in receiving Jamie’s letter, I was still paying. No more! I’m done.
I didn’t work my ass off in law school, sacrifice my family, my friends, my heart, to just come back home to be a sniveling disaster. I am way too strong to feel this torment any longer. I love Jagger, that much is true. We have a mountain of issues to work out and who knows what we will find once we do, but only one way to find out…I need to talk to him.
Wait… How is she doing this? I asked myself as I walked off the elevator to Jagger’s floor. There was Wendy in the waiting room, holding a pink box and two of what I hope are hot coffees. Once again appearing out of nowhere and saying or doing the perfect thing.
“Are you done freezing yourself like a Popsicle? Because you have one hot cowboy in there, and he’s waiting to warm you up. Please, Tumbleweed, give him and yourself this chance. You will never know and understand the true meaning behind your brother’s letters, if you don’t do this.”
“I know, Wendy, that’s why I’m here. And just so you know, I wasn’t running, I just needed to catch my breath.”
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. You should have never had to find out that way about Shane and Jagger.”
“Wait, you know, Wendy?”
“Sadly, I do. Shane’s been in counseling since the accident. I’ve been helping him.”
“Does anyone else know? What about my parents? Jagger’s or Shane’s?”
“I don’t think so, just me. I suppose when he’s ready to do so, it will be his story to tell.”
“Wendy, Shane was so angry when he saw me the first time, and then was humiliated when his father made him apologize. He wouldn’t give up until we talked and somewhat reconciled our differences, and now I find out the truth behind Jagger’s accident. Why, Wendy? Is Shane sick or something? I can’t keep up with his emotional mood swings.”
“Come sit for a minute and warm up. I’ll probably never be able to explain to you what happened on that mountain between the boys, but I do know how very sorry Shane is for his part in it. He will probably spend the rest of his life righting his wrong for what happened with Jagger. That burden is on him, and he is the only one that can make peace with it. I do believe in my heart that Shane will be okay, and Jagger too. He is so much in love with Shelby, and she is strong enough for both of them. Now, it’s your turn to be strong for Jagger. He’s waited long enough to have this conversation with you.”
“Me too, Wendy, me too. I just can’t hurt him again. What you are all asking me is just not possible without someone getting hurt. I would rather walk through fire than hurt him again.”
“Some things never change,” she said as she wiped a tear from her eyes.
“W
hat do you mean?” I placed my coffee down and held Wendy’s hand.
“Jagger said the same thing about you, but in reverse. When he told me his plans to go to New York and confess his unrequited love for you, he said he would rather walk through fire then miss one more day without you. God! You two are incredibly frustrating. Thank goodness companies like Clairol keep making my color, or my hair would be completely grey by now. Talk about emotional mood swings…you two wrote the book on that one.”
“Yeah, I love you too, Wendy.”
“Same here, Tumbleweed. Now get the hell in there! Go!”
I smiled and tried to hug my friend, but she just pointed her finger toward the direction of Jagger’s room.
I knocked softly, not knowing if he was sleeping, and sure enough, he was. I carried the chair over to his bedside and remained quiet, as I took in the handsome cowboy before me.
How did I ever manage to leave him? Jagger was kind, loving, and so strong in mind and body. He was probably one of the most honest men I had ever known, and if you were lucky to be loved by him, you truly were cherished. To see him in a hospital bed made me realize how close we all came to losing him.
How he survived that fall is a true miracle. I believe he had to have a guardian angel watching over him that night. Or it was a true testament to how strong Jagger really is? When I was younger and he would come by the house, I did everything in my power not to fall down at his feet. I was the kid sister who Jamie always dragged along, but he never minded. The guys were great, and then one day I looked at Jagger differently. My mama used to tease me all the time about the buzzing bumblebee’s in my stomach. She would say when the right boy comes along, I would get a bee sting the size of Texas. I would know that I was in love. I was never one to give mama the credit of being right, but she was. I was completely, deeply, and irrevocably in love with Jagger Parrish.
All Roads Lead Home Page 16
