Getting lost in the memory of him was easy to do. We had hundreds of stories between us and what feels like a lifetime of memories.
“Can we get all that back?” I didn’t realize I said those words out loud until he answered…
“Yes, we can.”
I leaned in and held his hand.
“Hi, how are you feeling?” I whispered softly.
“I’m better, now that you’re here. Nurse Shirley flirted with me until I took my medicine. Who knew so much magic was in a little white pill?” He smiled.
“I’m glad you listened to her. You scared me.” I bluntly confessed.
“I know. I saw it all over your face. I never meant for you to find out about my accident, and in that way. Hell, my father doesn’t even know yet. I was so afraid you left and were not coming back.”
“I almost did, but then I saw Shane, and knew I had to stay.”
“For him?” his voice was once again angered, but not as hard as before.
“No, you crazy man, for you. Do you think I could just so easily leave after hearing what I heard?”
“I don’t know Tenley, I just don’t know. I was hoping you wouldn’t run again, that’s all. What did Shane say?”
“He didn’t have to say much, I heard most of it and then he filled me in on the rest. Jagger, you may not want to hear this, but I believe him. I don’t think he would have ever hurt you in his right mind. Did you know he’s in therapy? He’s been attending regular sessions with Wendy since your accident.”
“No, how could I? I’ve been in a coma that he put me in. And no Tenley, I don’t believe him after what he did to me.”
I sighed in frustration and prayed for patience. “Are we going to talk, or are you going to continue to shout at me? I choose talking. What about you?” I asked him.
“Talk,” he sulkily said. He wiped his eyes and moved up to a sitting position where he could look at me better when we talked. I helped him with his pillows and his leg. His leg was still elevated, making it hard for Jagger to get comfortable. Just the mere closeness to him was drawing me in where I just wanted to kiss him. He felt the electricity between us. His pupils dilated as our bodies were near each other.
“There, that’s better.” What I truly wanted and what I did were two very different things. I sat on his bed with my feet now on the chair. He was gazing into my eyes and drawing me in, an art of seduction.
“Tenley…” My name flowed off his tongue, drugging me even more.
I bit my lip in frustration and pulled back a little.
“Don’t talk that way,” I said.
“What way?” He pulled me closer.
“You know what way. Like the sun rises and sets with the mere mention of my name. You still have the power to disarm me with just saying my name. Jagger, just because I’m here doesn’t change the fact on who I am. My life is in New York. I’m a driven workaholic with nothing else besides my career.”
He shifted again, not letting go of my hand. “Is that why you didn’t stop when you could have died in that car explosion?”
“You knew about that?”
“Of course I knew, we all did. Right then, I wanted to fly to New York to kidnap you, tie you up, and never let you out from my sight again. What were you thinking, Ten?”
“I was doing my job. A job I kick ass in and win.”
“Yeah I get that, but it’s also a job that could have gotten you killed. You may think you do, but you don’t belong in that world.”
“Yeah? And what world do I belong in?”
“My world,” he said without hesitation and determination in his eyes.
“And how can you be so certain of that when I don’t know even know where I belong? I’m so confused.”
He wasn’t letting me go for all the gold in China. His grip tightened on me as if I was his reason for breathing. My skin began to heat with every touch. Fine hairs on my arm began to tickle while goose bumps lined my skin with every stroke of his fingers.
“Jagger, how do you know where I belong.”
I asked him again because I desperately wanted to hear him say it. I can fight my reasons to why I grew into the woman I became. The career path I took. The way I chose to spend my days filled with work, and how I spent my nights alone in my thoughts. No one to hold me when I needed a hug. No one to comfort me when I had a bad day. No shoulder to cry on when I missed my brother or the family I left behind.
Now I’m here with him. He hasn’t stopped touching me. My breath hitched once again. He licked his own lips and reached for my face. Is he going to kiss me? I’m not sure. We are so close, how can he not? My stomach was buzzing, the bees were back, and all I wanted right now was his tongue in my mouth, but he teased me instead. Holding my face in his two strong hands, he made me look up at him. I was a goner. The boy I fell in love with was now a man looking at me the same way he did back then. Pure love and devotion danced in his eyes. I say once again…
“What world do I belong in?” No answer? Placing his forehead to mine and then ever so gently kissing me softly on my lips, Jagger whispered…
“My world.”
My heart fluttered with just two words he spoke. He kissed me again and ever so gently touched every inch of my face as he continued on.
“I know you are confused, but you don’t have to be. All you need to do is listen to your heart and trust it, and when you finally do, please trust mine. I asked you when you were seventeen to do that for me, and you practically screamed ‘Yes.’ So once again I am asking you that very question and hope your answer will be the same. Your mind is beautiful, but it needs to calm a bit, don’t you think? I could see the wheels turning and the conflict you are feeling. Like you’re walking a tightrope, and you’re afraid to fall. Baby, you never have to worry, because I will always catch you. You asked me how I know better than you, well allow me to break it down for you.”
“Tenley Faith Fairchild, you belong in my world. Miles may have separated us, but you truly never left where it mattered most. Why? It’s pretty simple.”
“Because I love you.”
“Because I want you.”
“Because I want you here with me to live and to share your life with mine.”
“Because I want nothing more than to marry you.”
“Because I want you to be the mother of my children.”
“Because…you’re mine, Tenley. You always were. And if you believe all that I have just said here, then we can have it all. I promise, baby, with all that I have and all who I am, we can.”
“You were meant to be a Parrish. I won’t stop trying to convince you until I take my last breath. The end of the love story you thought you knew is just our new beginning.”
HE WANTS ME back? After everything I put him through and the pain he had to endure, he wants me back. Why? Second chances don’t always work out the way you see them play out in your mind. For years, I have secretly dreamed of this moment with Jagger, with him saying exactly what I just heard come from his mouth to my ears. But now? I’m left with another choice.
“Jagger, I know you believe we can have everything you just said, but the truth that is slamming my heart right now is that we can’t go back in time. We can’t erase the hurt. We can’t forget the pain. I broke your heart with my betrayal. The devastation I saw on your face has haunted me in my dreams. I know what my leaving has cost you. Every time I close my eyes, I see you, but then I also remember how much I hurt you. My heart aches and my mind always goes back to the day I hurt you the most. God! I’m sorry. You will never know how much regret I feel for the choices I made. I’m so sorry.” I cried out as my tears began to fall.
He let go of me to shift again to get comfortable, never taking his eyes off of me. He’s on a mission to make me realize we can, but I’m so afraid to lead with my heart. I’ve been closed off for so long right now. I don’t even know how to even date or talk to a guy, but again, this is not just any typical guy. This is Jagger Parrish…the guy.
“Tenley…,” I put my two fingers to his lips. He instantly kissed them, sending shivers down my spine. I wanted more, so much more of him. I came back into reality and pulled away just enough where he couldn’t reach for me. Being in Jagger’s close proximity was making me lose my train of thought.
“Jagger, please let me finish. I need to say this.”
He quietly nodded, but I knew he hated allowing me to voice all the reasons why we shouldn’t be together.
“Jagger, like I said, we can’t turn back time. I know what you want for us, but it just doesn’t work out that way in real life. It’s in the romance novels, but this right here is real, our reality. My heart is screaming at me right now to say ‘Yes’ to everything you said, but my mind is different. My conscience says, ‘Let him go’ and ‘free him once and for all.’ Jagger, you should be blissfully married to someone who loves you more than herself. You should have sons you’re teaching to ride horses and dreaming of one day seeing your boys taking over your ranch, like you did with your father. A legacy already created with so much love and promise for generations to come. Jagger, you deserve a life like that. This is what I want for you, and I will not spend another day denying you of that.”
My New York bravado was gone. The moment I agreed to Wendy’s request, I knew somehow the walls I put up would come tumbling down around me. It was happening right now staring at Jagger, as he sat there and listened to me break his heart again. It was no use, so I didn’t even try to stop my tears from falling.
“Are you done? Because if you’re not, then too fucking bad. It’s my turn to talk now. Come here, Tenley.” He commanded. The deep timbre of his voice was pulling me in. “You are too far away from me, and me being in this bed prevents me from catching you if you run again. I see the fear on your face, but baby, you don’t have to be. You never have be scared again. Please come closer.”
Moments of quiet passed between us. Until Jagger shifted just enough to one side and gave me the open window to climb through and trust him, or run like I do best. Fuck it! Trust him, Tenley, trust him. I shuffled my feet until I reached his bed. I thought I would just sit and hold his hand, but he wasn’t going for that. Jagger pulled me into his arms and nestled me close to his body. His grip tightened as my body conformed to his. My right leg was over his while his left leg was securely in the harness. I was so afraid I would hurt him because he was still recovering from his injuries, but Jagger didn’t seem to care. He kissed the top of my hair and touched me gently, chasing my fear away. My tears still fell as he continued to kiss and soothe me.
“Shh,” Jagger whispered, as he once again calmed me with just one word spoken. “Tenley, I know what you’re thinking in that beautiful head of yours, but you’re wrong. I’m not living in the same fantasy world Shane’s been in since you left. I’ve always been real and focused on the timeline that was set in place for me.”
I stayed on his chest, as if I could move anyway, but I still asked him my question.
“Timeline? What do you mean by that Jagger?”
“You know exactly what I mean Tenley. Or at least you would if you would stop overthinking every little thing. You’ve been home long enough now to begin putting the pieces back together of our square. Jamie may be gone, but he is still very much alive in all of our hearts, and in some way he has made this moment possible for us right now. Okay, I would have forgone the accident, but he’s brought us together and given us our chance for our do-over.”
“What about Shane?” his muscles tensed a bit with the mention of his name, I could feel it as much as he tried not to show it to me. “Now, Jagger, you know exactly what I mean when I say Shane. Can you finally and really put him and what we did behind you? Don’t lie to me, not now after the conversation I walked in on between the two of you, and the conversation I had with your father.”
“One thing you never have to worry about me is lying to you. I don’t lie, and especially not when it comes to my feelings for you. As for my father, he tends to talk too much. Don’t take to heart what he said. It’s my heart that matters.”
“Jagger, that’s just it. His opinion does matter, as well as it should. He’s just looking out for his son, the son that I hurt. Of course, he would be cautious when it came to me. They don’t want you to ever go through that pain again.”
“Tenley, I’m a grown ass man, and it’s not like I threw myself over a cliff when you left. No! That was Shane’s job, and he nearly succeeded in killing me.”
“Okay, Jagger, maybe we need some air.”
He held me close to him as I tried to move, but there was no way I was going anywhere.
“Hell no! I don’t need space and neither do you. What you need to do is get out of your fucking head space and listen to me. Yes, I’m angry with Shane for my accident. Yes, I still doubt his sincerity. Can you really blame me Tenley? He’s been harboring feelings for you for years, and it screams borderline obsessiveness to crazed infatuation. I don’t believe he loved you in a way he thought he did. Once we were together, he convinced himself that I took something from him, but he’s wrong. You were always mine, baby, and he has had to live with that truth all of these years. Shane is not between us, not anymore. I swear to you, Tenley, on my life. I am telling you the truth. Shane does not matter to us. If I could go back to that day when you showed me your letter, I swear I would do things differently. I know we can’t go back to change our past, but hell woman! We can change our future. We can only move forward if that’s what you truly want. I’m ready for all of it. Almost dying has a way of putting things in perspective. My eyes are wide open, and all they see is you.”
“Jagger, go back to that day and remember what you said to me. You said your life is here. Here in Wyoming. Here on your ranch. The ranch is your world. I can’t and will not ask you to give that up to live in my world. I may be a self-absorbed bitch, but I’m not that selfish to allow you to give up on what makes you the happiest.”
I took him off guard and tried to move, but he was too quick and grabbed my arms.
“Don’t run, not now. Look at me, dammit, and see what is right in front of you. I love you. You are not a bitch. That was my anger talking for me that day, not my heart.”
I softened a bit with his words and let some of the tension go.
“Ha! You say that now, but you haven’t seen me in action in a courtroom.”
“I have, you know, Tiger Lady.”
No way! How did Jagger know that nickname? Only my New York colleagues reference me by that name, and it was when I was working on Tommy’s case. That’s when I had to prove myself the most to my firm and show them I was worth the salt of being a partner. I looked into Jagger’s eyes with curiosity as his eyes looked back at me with love and adoration.
“When? How did I not know or see you there?”
“After the car explosion. I needed to know that you were safe. You should have seen yourself, Tenley. The way you commanded the room on that day, all eyes were on you, especially mine. I was in awe of your incredible ability to shock the court members, even the judge was wiping his brow when you finished with your cross-examination. I had never been so proud of you. Our Tumbleweed was kicking ass. You wouldn’t believe what was going through my mind watching you. It took all my control not to charge you like a bull and throw you over my shoulder. I fantasized so many times showing up in your fancy office and fucking you ten different ways over your desk.”
“Jagger! Oh my God! Where is the sweet cowboy I used to know?” My skin was flushed listening to his dirty mouth. Who was I fooling? I loved and missed it.
“He’s still here baby, believe me, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know a few rope tricks that he could use on you.” He winked at me.
“As much as I wanted to make my presence known to you, I knew I needed more time. Time to say the right things and show you how much I love and wanted you.”
“You took a hell of a gamble. What if after all the time and distance between us,
I would have moved forward and built a life with someone else? What then, Jagger? Where would that have left you…discovering the woman you have waited five years for was no longer available?”
“Like you said, gamble. I didn’t know, but you are worth the risk of finding out. So tell me Tenley? Is there someone else? Because maybe you should give me his number so I could call him. He has no fucking chance at ever winning your heart and making you his. That’s my job. A job I take very seriously.”
I paused at his question and thought of Tommy. I could have a future with Tommy if that’s what I really wanted, but he’s not in my heart and not in the same way as Jagger.
“Well? Is there someone?” he asked again. I took in a few calming breaths to slow down my racing pulse before I would answer him. My mind was spinning, and my answer was right there on the tip of my tongue. All I needed to do was say the words.
Then I heard him…I heard Jamie inside of my head, encouraging me to take that leap of faith I so wanted to do with Jagger.
Are you happy? If not, then I’m disappointed. Moving forward meant to live your life to the fullest. Do what I can’t anymore. You are receiving this letter today on the anniversary of my death for one reason and one reason only: You chose wrong.
Stop hiding.
Stop running.
Come home.
I love you, Tumbleweed. I’ll be watching from heaven to see if you took my advice.
Okay, Jamie, I hear you. Once again I’m going to throw caution to the wind and make a choice. A choice that will not be reckless, or leave me regretting the minute the words pass my lips. For the first time in my life, I will be making a choice that is led from the deepest part of my heart. A heart that has been locked up for so long now, I was afraid to let myself feel anything good.
Jagger hasn’t stopped touching me as he waited for my answer. He didn’t look angry, or even nervous. His eyes were a little glassy. He was trying so hard to be strong and preparing himself for what I might say. With all of his changing expressions, I see one thing that is clear to me, I see hope in his eyes.
All Roads Lead Home Page 17
