Under a Desert Moon

by Laura Martin

  ‘We should talk,’ Seb said quietly, wondering how best to break the news to her.

  He knew she loved him, or at least knew she thought she loved him. Telling her he would marry her but they couldn’t stay together would break her heart.

  Emma looked at him warily but nodded all the same.

  ‘Last night,’ Seb started, then paused, unsure how to go on.

  ‘Last night was lovely,’ Emma said.

  Seb nodded, knowing he had to take control of the conversation but not sure how.

  ‘Sebastian,’ Emma said, her eyes filling with tears, ‘before you say any more I want you to know I love you.’

  Seb felt the lump in his throat grow as he tried to find the words to respond. He knew telling her he loved her with all his heart would only give her the wrong idea, but now was the time for honesty, otherwise she would never understand his reasoning.

  ‘I think I’ve loved you from the moment we shared that kiss on the terrace,’ Seb said, realising it was true. All this time he’d been trying to deny it because he knew they couldn’t have a future together.

  Emma’s expression transformed from worry to pure happiness.

  ‘Oh, Sebastian, you don’t know—’

  He had to cut her off. He held up a hand and shook his head.

  ‘I love you, Emma. And we should marry, but we can’t be together.’

  She looked as though he’d just slapped her.

  ‘But if we love each other and we marry then we will be together.’

  Seb hated that he was responsible for the tears that sprang to her eyes. He just wanted to scoop her up into his arms and gallop off into the horizon.

  ‘We can’t be together,’ he repeated.

  Emma fell silent and just looked at him and Seb felt his words leave him. How was he meant to tell this wonderful woman he would send her back to England after the formalities of a marriage ceremony?

  ‘I’m not safe,’ he said eventually.

  Emma actually laughed. ‘Of course you’re safe, Sebastian. I know you’d never hurt me.’

  ‘You can’t know that. No one can know that.’

  ‘I know that. I know that you love me and I know you wouldn’t hurt someone you loved.’

  ‘Emma, I can’t take that risk. You’ll be safer without me—happier, too.’

  Fiercely she wiped the tears away from her cheeks and rounded on him. ‘Don’t tell me what would make me happier. If you think sending me away, discarding me, would make me happy then you don’t know me at all.’

  Seb wished he could just pull her into his arms and kiss all the pain and hurt away, but he knew after this conversation they would never be intimate again. He felt a stab of anguish in his heart at the thought and wondered when holding Emma close to his chest had become the most important thing in his life.

  ‘If you don’t love me and don’t want me then I’d prefer it if you didn’t pretend otherwise. I know men just use women and then throw them away. Don’t feel like you have to dress this up differently.’

  Seb knew she had to lash out but when she did it caught him unawares. He wanted to protest his love for her, tell her she mattered more than water and sunlight and air, but he knew that would only confuse matters more.

  ‘Emma, you know that isn’t the issue,’ he said.

  ‘You say you love me...’ the tears were back now and her voice had become thick with emotion ‘...but I love you and I know I wouldn’t give you up without a fight.’

  ‘When that bandit ripped your shirt off I couldn’t control myself,’ Seb said, hoping if he could explain properly she might understand. ‘I would have killed him if it wasn’t for you.’

  ‘But you didn’t. You stopped. Anyway, I think any man could be forgiven for beating someone who was trying to rape the woman they supposedly love.’

  ‘I lost control, Emma, and I’ve lost control before. I can’t guarantee that I won’t lose control with you one day.’

  ‘Then let me be the one willing to take that risk, because I know you would never hurt me.’

  Seb shook his head. ‘No.’

  At his blunt reply Emma recoiled so much Seb wondered whether she might fall off her horse, but she regained her balance and kept her seat.

  ‘So what do you propose?’ she asked, her voice emotionless.

  ‘We marry when we return to Cairo, then you travel back to England.’

  ‘To live as a woman whose husband has sent her continents away? No, thank you.’

  Seb looked at her but she refused to meet his gaze.

  ‘It’s the only way.’

  ‘If you insist on sending me away then we won’t marry. There’s no point.’

  Seb felt a cold panic inside his chest. He had counted on marrying Emma, on always having that tie to her. If she returned a single woman to England he would lose her completely and all they had shared would just be a memory.

  ‘You might be with child,’ he said quickly.

  Emma shrugged. ‘Equally I might not.’

  ‘We can’t take that chance. I wouldn’t want you to go through a scandal like that.’

  She turned to him with disbelief in her eyes. ‘But you don’t mind sending me and your unborn child to fend for ourselves in England, never to see you again.’

  Seb felt his world fall apart. She could be pregnant; it was a definite possibility. And she was right: if she was pregnant he would be sending her to raise his child alone, and he’d never see them.

  ‘I’ll stay in Cairo until we can be sure I’m not pregnant,’ Emma said wearily.

  Seb turned to look at her. She looked ashen, broken. He hated that he was the one doing this to her. All he wanted was to spend eternity holding her and kissing her and showering her with love. Instead he was destroying her.

  ‘It’ll be for the best, Emma.’

  She shook her head. ‘You can tell yourself that but I don’t believe it for one second. We will both be miserable and alone for the rest of our lives, when we have the opportunity to be happy. All for a precaution, for something that will never happen.’

  He wished she were right, but Seb thought back to the previous night and the rage that had fallen upon him. He couldn’t risk Emma ever being on the other end of that, even if it meant breaking both their hearts.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  They’d ridden for three hours in silence before stopping for lunch, and since dismounting Emma had stopped any of Sebastian’s attempts at starting a conversation with a stony glare. She didn’t want to make small talk or discuss the ending of their journey; all she wanted was for Sebastian to throw his arms around her and admit he was wrong.

  Emma understood his concerns, but that didn’t mean she agreed with them. She understood that on occasion he found it difficult to control his temper, but from what she’d seen and his story about his father, both had been very exact circumstances. In both cases he’d lost his temper when someone was threatening a person he cared for. Many men would react in the same way. He’d never laid a finger on her—well, not in a violent fashion anyway, and Emma believed she knew him well enough to be sure that he wouldn’t.

  She wished she could somehow make him see how happy their life would be together. She knew he loved her, she could see it in his eyes, and she knew it was breaking his heart to send her away. But Sebastian was a stubborn man, and he’d got it into his head that if they built a life together he would end up hurting her. Maybe not in a week or a year, but eventually.

  Emma wondered if she should just accept his wishes and return to England. She glanced at Sebastian and saw the unhappiness in his eyes and she knew she wasn’t going to give him up without a fight. This last couple of weeks had been the happiest of her life, despite the hardships of the desert and despite being kidnapped by bandi
ts. Sebastian was the reason she had enjoyed herself so much, and she was planning on building on that happiness for the rest of their lives.

  Sebastian handed her a fresh water skin and a handful of dried fruit. As his hand touched hers it seemed as though he set her on fire. Emma caught hold of his fingers before he pulled away. She tugged on his arm until he relented and sat down next to her.

  ‘I won’t marry you if you plan on sending me back to England,’ Emma said, ‘and I’m planning on staying in Cairo for the foreseeable future, but that doesn’t have to be as your wife.’

  Sebastian looked at her, confused.

  ‘In fact you wouldn’t have to see me at all,’ Emma said sadly.

  She knew it would be torture remaining in Cairo, knowing she could bump into Sebastian at any moment, but if it was torture for her then it would be torture for him as well.

  ‘Emma, you know that’s a bad idea.’

  Calmly she raised her eyebrows. ‘As bad an idea as destroying both our chances for happiness for something that will never happen?’

  Sebastian opened his mouth to protest but Emma held up her hand to silence him.

  ‘You’ve said your bit, Sebastian, now I want you to listen to me.’

  She waited until he clamped his lips firmly together and nodded.

  ‘Since meeting you my life has changed. I never knew how unhappy I was. I was destined to spend my life alone, and then I met you.’ Emma reached up and ran her fingers over his cheek. ‘You made me realise I could be loved and you made me fall head over heels in love with you.’

  Emma couldn’t help herself, she leaned forward and gently kissed him on the lips.

  ‘You are a good man, Sebastian, one of the best, and I think it must have been dreadful to go through what you did in your childhood, but you can’t let that ruin the rest of your life.’

  Emma paused again and looked deep into Sebastian’s eyes.

  ‘You’re not your father.’

  Sebastian opened his mouth to speak but Emma shook her head. ‘I haven’t finished yet. I love you. I love you, Sebastian, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make you realise we can have a life together. So I won’t be running back to England when we return to Cairo. I won’t make it that easy for you.’

  She leant forward again and brushed another feather-light kiss across his lips. Sebastian responded, trying to pull her deeper into the kiss but Emma pulled back.

  ‘You’ve got a lot to think about,’ she said, standing up and stretching.

  Silently she allowed Sebastian to help her remount Wadjet. She noticed when his fingers caressed her leg for just a moment longer than was necessary and she saw how he kept glancing at her. She knew internally he was in turmoil, she could see he didn’t want to lose her, but the years of telling himself he was too dangerous to be with a woman wouldn’t fade away that quickly. She only hoped he changed his mind before it was too late.

  Sebastian consulted the scroll before they set off.

  ‘Should only take us about four more hours,’ he said quietly.

  Emma nodded, wondering where her enthusiasm for their treasure hunt had gone. If Sebastian wasn’t holding her hand as they entered the tomb was it all really worth it? A few weeks ago she would have chosen an Ancient Egyptian tomb over love any day, but now she would sacrifice discovering a hundred tombs for just one more day of bliss with Sebastian.

  About an hour before sunset the terrain started to change. Instead of the undulating sand dunes or rocky desert floor there began to be small outcrops of rock. As they rode further these turned into larger rocky cliffs and mounds, just the perfect place to conceal a royal tomb.

  ‘We’re not all that far from the tombs of the pharaohs discovered near Luxor,’ Sebastian commented.

  Emma glanced at him and saw the first spark of excitement in his eyes. She looked up at the cliffs and wondered what treasures they concealed within their depths.

  Sebastian stopped his horse and consulted the scroll once more.

  ‘We’re looking for a place where two cliffs come together as if they were kissing,’ he said confidently.

  They continued on for a few minutes before Emma spotted it.

  ‘There,’ she said, her voice barely a whisper.

  Nearly half a mile up ahead two cliffs leaned inwards towards each other, the tops of the cliffs so close you could imagine them kissing.

  With renewed energy they spurred their horses forward. Emma glanced at the sky. They only had about half an hour of good light left. She knew they wouldn’t find the tomb today, but maybe they might see something, some clue that this whole expedition hadn’t been for nothing.

  As they drew closer the cliffs looked just like any other. From this distance there wasn’t anything that set them apart, that advertised the fact there could be a royal tomb hidden inside, but Emma knew deep down that they were in the right place.

  She tried to imagine what it had been like two thousand years ago when these tombs were being built, wondered whether the pharaohs and queens had thought their final resting places would hold such fascination for the people of the future.

  Sebastian signalled for them to stop.

  ‘We should make camp here and start our search in the morning. We don’t want to miss anything.’

  Despite Emma’s wish to start their search now she knew what Sebastian said made sense. They were likely to miss small details in the fading light and she knew they didn’t have much time. It would make more sense to start afresh in the morning and not have to cover the same ground twice.

  Silently they started to set up their camp. Emma laid out the sleeping mats and blankets, placing them side by side. She didn’t know if Sebastian would move his later, but if this was to be one of their last nights together she wanted him close by. There wasn’t anything to build a fire from so they ate the last of the flat bread and some more dried fruit. Emma supposed she would enjoy eating her first real meal for two weeks in a couple of days’ time, but if staying in the desert meant putting off separating from Sebastian she would be happy to live on dried meat and stale bread for her entire life.

  ‘We should get some rest. We’ll have a long day of searching tomorrow,’ Sebastian said. It was his first attempt at communicating with her since they’d stopped riding. He looked troubled and had frowned into his simple meal as he ate. Emma knew she had done everything she could to persuade him they were meant to be together; now he had to make up his own mind.

  Emma stretched out underneath her blanket and looked up at the sky. She’d miss seeing the stars before she went to sleep when they returned to civilisation.

  Sebastian lay down next to her, his body so close she could reach out an arm and touch him, yet seeming so far away.

  After a few minutes Emma knew sleep wouldn’t come easily. She turned over to face Sebastian, his features indistinguishable in the darkness.

  ‘Sebastian,’ Emma said quietly, ‘if this is going to be one of our last nights together, will you hold me?’

  For a minute he didn’t move, and Emma had a horrible sinking feeling that he might refuse. Then she heard him shuffle closer. They lay face to face, his breath tickling her cheeks. Emma reached out and placed a hand on his chest, feeling the thud of his heart through his skin. Sebastian looped his arm around Emma’s waist, pulling her even closer to him. They were completely entwined, their two bodies now as one. Emma felt the tears start to roll down her cheeks but didn’t move to brush them away. She was going to make the most of this night; if they were to go their separate ways she was determined she would always have these memories to sustain her.

  Slowly Emma felt herself relax. She hadn’t thought she would sleep at all, but here, in Sebastian’s arms, momentarily everything seemed right again.

  Chapter Thirty

  Seb awoke wit
h the dawn. His arm was still looped around Emma’s waist and her head had fallen to nestle into his shoulder. He took a few minutes to memorise how she looked when she slept; he wanted his memories to last for ever.

  She stirred a little but did not wake and Seb wondered if it would be easier if he pulled away. Although he knew looking into her eyes before she remembered all that had passed between them would be exquisitely painful, he just couldn’t bring himself to move. This could be the last time he ever held her. That thought broke his heart all over again.

  He wondered if she was right, if he was doing all of this unnecessarily. Maybe they could live happily together, spend their lives loving each other. Maybe all his precautions were completely unnecessary. Then he pictured the bandit’s bloody face and he knew he just couldn’t take that risk.

  ‘Good morning,’ Emma said dozily as her eyes fluttered open.

  ‘Good morning.’ Seb couldn’t help but smile. She looked so beautiful in the soft morning light.

  ‘You’re lovely and warm,’ Emma said, her eyes still not properly open. Seb felt her burrow in closer to him, pressing her entire body up against his. She wriggled, trying to get comfortable, and he felt her brush up against him. Softly Seb groaned.

  Emma looked at him for a second before understanding dawned in her eyes. Gently she brushed against him again.

  ‘Emma,’ he said, trying to make his voice stern.

  ‘Yes, Sebastian?’ she said lightly.

  ‘We can’t.’

  She didn’t stop and Seb felt his resolve weaken.

  ‘Emma,’ he repeated again.

  This time she ignored him and moved one hand under the blankets.

  Seb groaned. He knew he should roll away. He knew any intimacy between them would just complicate matters even further. But somehow he just couldn’t seem to bring himself to push her away.

  Emma nestled farther into his neck and started to plant soft kisses just below his ear. Suddenly she caught his earlobe in her mouth and gently began to suck.

  ‘Emma,’ Seb groaned, not knowing whether he was begging her to continue or pleading with her to stop.