by J. K Harper
“You know,” she said slowly, feeling out the words as they came out of her mouth, thinking the thoughts out loud, “all of that was stuff I already felt myself, my whole life. Shame, and pain, and just hating myself. Because that’s just what I’d been taught. To never value myself. Wow,” she whispered. The enormity of it sledgehammered her as her eyes still trembled with tears.
She kept talking. Saying this felt like a cleansing wash she hadn’t known she needed, even beyond the tears yesterday. “Combined together, we were a giant mess of shame and rage and pain. So that’s why she always wanted to run. To flee. And I let her because I had no idea how to stop her. I had no idea how to live with a freaking wild animal inside me. And I just now realized it.”
“Babe,” he whispered, his fingers so gentle, now tucking around behind her back, holding her securely as she told him her story.
“She was running because she didn’t want to be put down. She knew she wasn’t a lost cause. Neither was I. She knew she didn’t really want to die, and neither did I. Neither did I, Riley.”
She looked at him as that truth swept her. “So she’s been running. Since I’ve been begging to be put down. She knew I wasn’t going crazy. Somehow, she knew. But how did she know?” Marisa whispered the last part, heart stuttering in her chest. Hopeful.
She knew. She knew before he said it out loud.
Riley’s hands tightened on her back, pulling her closer to him, although they still had eye contact. “Because,” he said, his voice strong but cracking just a bit from some huge emotion, “she knew from the beginning that you and I are mates.”
Mates. The word seemed to shimmer on the air. Full of promise and hope and the potential for something like joy.
A wondering smile played on his face as he kept going. “She was shoved into you from force, from anger and hatred and fear, and that’s why most humans who have an animal forced into them will eventually go crazy, go feral, be put down or just die otherwise, probably from fighting. But she had found her mate, so she was fighting to live so you would know it too.”
Mates. Riley was her mate. A wild, expansive happiness bubbled up inside her, lightening her entire body.
“I never thought I could have a mate again.” Stormy blue eyes, holding hers, looking at her with wonder. “Not just because I was blocked off by sorrow and rage, but I literally thought I’d only ever have one.”
He moved his hands down to hers, catching them and bringing them up between their chests.
“But here you are. Here you are, Marisa. My mate. My beautiful, badass, warrior mate.” The smile that filled his face told her he was feeling a happiness he’d never thought he’d experience again either. “My mate who has found balance with her mountain lion.”
She purred. “Yes. Kiss me,” she added impulsively. “Kiss me, mate.”
He did just that, pulling her in close to him, holding her tight and firm. Telling her with his body he’d never let her go. That she’d be safe always.
As they eventually shifted back to their animals and walked back to her cabin, side by side, she felt almost complete. Only two things were missing now. Her brother, and Riley’s need to still find justice from the hunters who’d taken his cubs’ mother from them.
Marisa vowed to herself then and there that she would help her mate fight all the battles he needed to. Because she was indeed a warrior, and this time, she’d never forget it.
14
As quietly as she could, Marisa whispered, “I’m trapped. I don’t think I can move. Do they always do this?”
Riley looked at her, a funny smile appearing on his face. “Happens all the time. They pretend they’re so grown up, but not yet. Not quite yet.”
The heavy, warm weights on either side of Marisa each made little snoring sounds. She melted again for about the seventeenth time that evening. Laney’s head lolled against her shoulder, the pre-teen fast asleep. On Marisa’s other side, Finn was curled up, tucked beside her like it was the most natural thing in the world. They’d made it almost to the end of the movie, but before the credits rolled, she’d been able to tell by the even cadence of their breathing they’d both fallen asleep on her.
It was so precious, it about busted her heart wide open. Her mountain lion had been purring for five minutes now, deeply content.
Riley grinned again at the expression that must be on her face. “Pretty stinking cute, isn’t it?”
She nodded, totally blissed out.
Riley’s gaze softened even more as he kept looking at her. “You look really comfortable there. Like you fit here. They adore you.”
Marisa’s cat purred. Gently stroking each child on the head or arm where her hands would reach, Marisa felt a positively dopey smile creep onto her face. “It’s mutual.”
She felt Riley’s gaze burning on her for another moment. When he spoke again, his voice was even more quiet, but sure. “You would be an amazing mother, Marisa. The cubs love you. And I know you love them. You’re a natural. But I don’t want you to think that’s what I’m asking from you.”
She snapped her head up. The smile still played around his mouth, but his eyes were serious. She wrinkled her forehead at him. “I don’t. I know you’re better than that. You like me for who I am.” A teeny, tiny remembered ugly whisper, Nobody likes you for nothing except when you puttin’ out, girlie, prompted her to add, “Don’t you?”
She didn’t like that she needed the reassurance all of a sudden. But she knew she couldn’t be expected to fix everything overnight.
One step at a time, kitty-cat. One step at a time.
Riley’s face darkened even as he nodded. “Absolutely. You know I do. I know it’ll take you a while to trust anyone. But I’ll always be here for you, and I’ll always tell you the truth.”
The needed reassurance made a more relaxed feeling blossom in her chest. “I know. I am trying. I just need to make sure every now and then.”
His smile wrapped around her, hugging her even though he sat in his dark brown leather recliner instead of on the couch with her and the twins.
Because she did, in fact, feel very sure around him, here in his home, pure mischief made her add, “I was actually worried you only like me because I have dangerous bad kitty claws and a super sexy booty.” Then she wagged her eyebrows at him to let him know she was teasing him.
Riley muffled his loud burst of laughter when Finn mumbled in his sleep against Marisa’s shoulder. But the simple pleasure of laughing at her silliness stayed in his face, showing in the wrinkles around his eyes, the way his mouth, oh, that sexy mouth, wouldn’t stop smiling at her. “Your dangerous kitty claws are very impressive. And your super sexy booty—oh, yeah. That’s something I very much appreciate.”
His voice dropped a notch as he said that, his appreciation abruptly evident in his expression. Marisa swallowed at the instant heat that crowded the room. She managed to croak out, “Well, okay then.” Even though everything had been so comfortable this evening, eating hamburgers with him and the twins, playing a board game with them—a board game, so old-fashioned, so fun—she’d been so hyperaware of him the whole time, every passing glance or casual brush of his arm against hers had sent little thrills throughout her body.
Sweet silence held them as the movie they’d watched with the twins ended and the streaming service on the TV suggested about five others to watch. Casting around for something to distract her from Riley’s knowing smile, Marisa looked around the house. Coming here had been such a treat. Riley and the twins had driven to her cabin to pick her up, even though she was only several hundred yards away from his place.
Finn had leapt out of the car and run up her little walkway so he could proudly walk her all the way out to the car. He even held the door open for her to climb in. Her heart melted a thousand times over at the adorable boy trying to be such a protective little man, even though his sister had been yelling things out the window at him like, “You have to hold her arm by the elbow! And watch where you’re
walking so you don’t take her through a patch of ice!”
When they'd arrived at their home, she'd felt outclassed again for just a moment. Oh, what a beautiful place they had. But then she reminded herself that she belonged here, that they wanted her here. Slowly, she'd relaxed. This was the first time she’d been in Riley's home. From the outside, the place was nice but snug. The inside, however, was much more spacious than it seemed and perfectly put together. Finn and Laney had proudly shown her around, explaining with great seriousness how their daddy had built it by hand, long ago before they were born, with their mama’s help. With the guileless sweetness of children, they had showed her the photos of their mother, which were scattered around the house but not overwhelmingly so. There was no shrine to her, no enormous framed portrait. Other than a few regular-sized photos, Marisa couldn’t get a sense that she’d ever even been here. Then again, she thought as she once again gently stroked Laney’s soft hair, brushed the back of her index finger over Finn’s impossibly soft cheek, she had died when they were only two. Almost ten years ago.
Quietly looking up at Riley, she asked, “Do they remember her?”
She watched him carefully, afraid of upsetting the cozy balance of the evening. But he remained relaxed where he sat, watching her and the twins with an expression she couldn’t completely read, although he wasn’t upset.
“Not really. I’ve asked them now and then over the years to tell me if they can remember her presence. Remember her holding them, or even remember what she smelled like. But they were so young. They don’t have solid memories, no. More like just impressions, from what they tell me. They asked me a lot of questions about her when they were younger, and I told them everything I could remember about her. And Laney knows how much she looks like her mother.”
Marisa nodded. When she’d first seen the photo of Grace, her eyes had widened at the resemblance.
“It’s terrible what happened, and it always will be. But aside from that, they are so lucky with how they grew up, Riley.” Although she kept her voice soft, she watched him closely to make sure he understood what she was saying. “She loved them unconditionally, and clearly you did too. Everyone here does. They’re so safe, so loved. There’s a real community here, not to mention all sorts of friends in town. You grew up here…”
She gestured around the cabin then softly jerked her head toward the outside to indicate the entire lodge. “I know you’ve been scared for their safety their whole lives, and that is so understandable. That’s a horrible thing, and I know you'll always be worried for them until you catch the ones who did it.”
His face didn’t change, although the corners of his eyes tightened. She went on, still picking her words carefully but being utterly truthful with each one. “Your home is officially one of the fanciest places I’ve ever seen in my life.”
“Fanciest?” His brows raised. “It’s a nice place, this home. I’m proud of it, and I should be. But I do my best not to be fancy. I definitely don’t want to raise two spoiled brats.”
Marisa shook her head. In the back corner of the living room, the fire crackled from the fresh pieces of wood Riley had thrown on earlier. “These two are definitely not spoiled brats. But I don’t think you understand where I came from. Riley, honestly, I know none of you here seem to think this is a big deal. The lodge, all your little cabins here. It’s all just home to you.” She couldn’t keep the genuine awe out of her voice. “But I keep thinking this place is like a fairytale. Look. Here’s another ugly truth about me for you to hear.”
She looked him square in the face. “I’m genuine, literal trailer trash. I grew up in a trailer park. There were a couple nice people there, but not my family. I didn’t even make it past eighth grade. The only reason I didn’t get knocked up when I was a teenager was because Derek knew how the boys liked to be with the girls, and he was the one who sat me down and told me how to be careful. For a little brother, he raised me much better than our parents did.”
She bit off a sigh. She didn’t want to sound sorry for herself. But she did want Riley to know everything about her. He knew the worst of her secrets. She wanted him to understand what she had come from and why she still needed to run from it. Because it didn’t define her anymore.
“I’ve never seen money like this in my life,” she admitted flat out, looking straight at him. “I know your place here is fancy, the little cabin I’m in is fancy, and Quentin and Abby’s place is super fancy too. I have to tell you, everything up here is just so much more than I’ve ever known in my entire life. The trailer I grew up in, and then the place Derek and I moved into together until we could figure out our own shit. We had the crappiest little apartment you’ve ever seen in your life.” She kept her voice low so she wouldn’t wake the cubs, although she glanced down at them every now and then to make sure they were still sleeping.
“I don’t want to judge you because you come from money. I don’t want you to judge me because I don’t. I just want you to know everything about me.”
Riley waited a beat. When she stayed silent, he nodded. “Fair enough. But I don’t come from money, pretty kitty. Me and my brothers were not all that much older than the cubs when our parents, who had very little to their name, finally managed to scrape up enough to put a down payment on a ramshackle miner’s cabin and all this land up here that no one else wanted. They managed to get it for a song, but it was still a really expensive song for them. The whole lodge, Marisa? Everything up here? We built it all. We built all of it by hand.” Quiet pride slipped through his voice. “Oh, sure, later on, you know, we hired crews and stuff to help out. But we built a cabin that all five of us and my parents lived in by hand. My point is, I come from hardworking stock, so I do know what it’s like to not have anything. I know how lucky I am, and the cubs are,” he added softly.
He uncrossed one long leg from where he had rested it across the opposite knee and stood up, heading toward Marisa and the cubs. Smiling down at his children with the indulgent, incredulous smile of love that often passed over his face when he looked at them, he said, “We’re lucky because we always had massive amounts of love.”
Then he looked at Marisa, gently reached his fingers to tip her chin up to his. His thumb stroking the side of her cheek, making her shiver and smile, he added in a serious whisper, “And from now on, so do you.”
Marisa wondered if she could explode from the joy that burst through her as he said that. He bent down to scoop Finn up into his arms, who woke up enough to mumble something about being able to walk on his own. Riley murmured at him, “Whatever, kiddo. Get back to dreaming,” as he turned toward the curved stairway leading to the upper floor. Whispering to Marisa, “Hang on, I’ll come back down for Laney. She’s too big for you to carry,” he easily carried his son up the stairs.
Marisa listen to the creak of the stairs and the noise the floorboards made overhead as Riley walked down the hallway to take his son to his bedroom. Leaning down, she dropped a kiss on Laney’s head. She waited quietly until he came back down the stairs, just stroking Laney’s hair and listening to the young girl breathe as she slept. Her cat purred so hard she could hear it. When Riley returned and gently lifted Laney up from the couch, she yawned and snuggled against her father. Smiling, he murmured, “It’s a wonder they still let me do this sometimes at their age.” He glanced at Marisa, eyes wondering. “They really like you. They completely relax around you. You make them feel safe, Marisa. Be right back,” he said before turning to take Laney upstairs.
Marisa snuggled into the couch, turning so she could face the fireplace on the opposite side of the large room. The cubs were a little old to be sleepily carried to bed by their father, but she suspected it happened more often than they would probably admit. Growing up without a mother had probably made them crave the closeness and protection of their remaining parent more than most children. Her cat's purr intensified, the vibration by now familiar and comforting. It wasn’t her place to take over as the cubs’ mother—but
if it was her place to be in all of their lives, she would never say no to that.
Moments later, Riley came back downstairs. He went straight to the couch and settled in beside Marisa, positioning himself until he held her on his lap with her tucked safely in his arms. Safety. That seemed to be the theme tonight.
“What will you do with them if you ever find them?” She didn’t have to say the shifter hunters for him to immediately understand.
Slight tension swept through his body, but his voice was still calm and quiet when he answered. “Debatable. Years ago, I instantly would have said I’d rip them limb to limb. Now, I’m not so sure. Even though they’re human, knowing about shifters and turning shifters in to human government agencies that are killing them makes them eligible to be thrown into shifter prison. That would definitely not be a pleasant experience for any human.” His voice held such dark certainty that Marisa’s skin goosebumped.
“Have you ever seen one? A shifter prison?”
Riley shook his head, resting his chin on top of her head and stroking her hands where they were clasped in front of her. “No, but Slade has. Don’t ask why. It’s not my story to tell, and we don’t talk about it very often. But anyway, he said they’re pretty rotten places, and he has no desire to see one ever again. He also said some shifter hunters he saw there were definitely going to have a pretty nasty time of it for the rest of their lives. So, sometimes I think it might be better for them to end up there when I finally catch them.”
They stayed silent for a few more moments. Warmth and a slight tingle suffused Marisa as she sat there. She knew she wouldn’t stay tonight, not with the cubs here. Even though they adored her, and it was mutual, she wasn’t quite ready for them to see her coming out of their father’s room in the morning. But she would enjoy snuggling with Riley on the couch until he drove her back to her cabin later.
