I Heart Hawaii: Escape with the funniest and most fabulous romcom of summer 2019 (I Heart Series, Book 8)

by Lindsey Kelk

And with that, shirtless Kai and his loincloth scrambled away, up the beach and back towards the villas. Not a serial killer, just a horny youth. Probably still out to take advantage of drunk tourists who didn’t know better, though.

  ‘Oh my god, Clark, I can’t take you anywhere,’ James said, shaking his head in faux disappointment. ‘What would Alex say?’

  ‘Alex would probably tell him it’s weeks since I’ve put out and not to bother,’ I admitted. ‘Having a baby is no good for your sex life.’

  ‘So glad I decided against it in the end,’ he said with as much sympathy as he could manage. ‘Well, that and the whole, you know, actually having to raise a child. Speaking of children, that poor boy was enchanted with you. What’s your secret?’

  ‘Give him a couple of drinks, he’d be enchanted with you too,’ I mumbled, turning the coconut upside down to confirm it was, in fact, empty. ‘Me and Louisa are getting twatted, won’t you join us?’

  ‘Louisa is already well on her way,’ he replied. ‘She and Paige are doing fireball shots with Kekipi. Who is married, in case you were wondering.’

  ‘I wasn’t but that’s good to know. Are there more drinks up there?’

  ‘There most certainly are,’ James confirmed before squatting down in front of me. ‘Come on, I’ll give you a piggyback up the beach.’

  Pulling a hair elastic off my wrist, I tied back my hair and climbed up on his back. Look at that, I was practically a pro.

  ‘Oh!’ I squealed as he stood. I’d forgotten quite how tall he was until I was clinging to his neck and reliving the trauma of almost being thrown from a horse less than twelve hours earlier. ‘Don’t drop me!’

  ‘Don’t choke me,’ he gasped as I loosened my grip around his neck ever so slightly. ‘That’s more of a second date thing, babe.’

  ‘Do you ever not have a sex joke to hand?’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ he huffed. ‘It’s a gift, really.’

  ‘You must be so proud,’ I muttered into his thick curly hair, my voice bouncing up and down as he jogged along the beach. Whatever was in those cocktails had not agreed with me in the slightest. And there was the small matter of a mystery painkiller Kekipi had given me to take into account … ‘Can you put me down now, please, I think I’m going to vom.’

  ‘Your wish is my command.’

  As James bent down, I let go of his neck and felt my flip-flops hit the sand. My new friend Kai was nowhere to be seen but everyone else looked as though they were having exactly the right amount of fun for a Saturday night luau in Lanai. As advertised, Louisa and Paige were knocking back shots at a bar manned by Kekipi while Jenny’s assistant Sumi and Lily were learning to hula dance on the stage. Jenny, Camilla Rose and everyone else all had smiles on their faces and drinks in their hands. This was exactly what I’d dreamed of, this was exactly what I’d wanted.

  ‘As much as I support your pissed-up plan of action,’ James advised, ‘I think we should find you some water. A dehydrated hangover in paradise is not a pretty sight, take it from a professional.’

  ‘Fail to plan and you plan to fail,’ I slurred, slapping his cheek. ‘Actually, I could murder a pizza.’

  ‘Christ almighty, Angela, how much have you had?’ he marvelled. ‘If this is motherhood, I’ve changed my mind. Sign me up for half a dozen babies right now. You’re behaving like an extremely cheap date tonight, even for you.’

  ‘I’m fine, I’ve had maaaaaybe, three cocktails,’ I said, swatting his hands away from my face. ‘And my bum was hurting so I took a tiny little painkiller Kekipi gave me.’

  ‘What kind of painkiller?’

  I didn’t know.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘But I’m not in pain so it worked.’

  James grimaced.

  ‘From what I’ve gathered about Kekipi, it was either a Nurofen Plus or a Quaalude.’

  ‘Well, my arse doesn’t hurt any more so I’m happy,’ I said before slapping James on the backside and tottering over to Louisa and Paige. ‘Helloooooo.’

  ‘Oh, you’re hammered,’ Paige grinned. ‘AC, I didn’t think you’d be such a lightweight.’

  ‘I’m so glad you’re my boss,’ I said, ignoring her protestations and folding her up in a messy hug. ‘I think it’s brilliant. I think you’re brilliant. You’ll do so well, better than I could have done at that job anyway.’

  ‘Um, thank you?’ Paige broke away from the hug, holding my hands in front of her. ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’

  ‘I’m brilliant,’ I said, letting go of her hands and doing a quick twirl to prove my point. ‘I’m out with my friends, I’m living my best life, I’m following my dreams, I’m the woman who has it all!’

  Paige gave an awkward laugh as Kekipi poured a tall glass of water and placed it in front of me on the bar.

  ‘Have you tried the mascara yet?’ I asked. ‘It’s properly shit.’

  ‘You’re so funny,’ Paige replied loudly, looking over at where Camilla Rose was standing talking to Eva, not ten feet away. ‘Are you sure you feel OK?’

  ‘Yes, yes, yes,’ I insisted. ‘I feel great. I wish I had my phone, though. I want to take pictures of us. Can you take pictures of us and send them to me? I dropped my phone earlier when I was on a horse. It ran right off, it did.’

  ‘Yeah, I know,’ she said, pulling out her phone as I ran my fingers up her arm and tweaked her nose. ‘I was there.’

  ‘What pose are we pulling?’ Lou asked, pulling herself up straight as soon as she saw the camera. I wiped my fingers underneath my eyes to remove any errant mascara and pouted towards Paige.

  ‘Hula,’ I said, striking a pose. ‘But make it fashion.’

  ‘You should do a video,’ Lou said. ‘You look gorgeous in that dress. You should do a video for your website.’

  ‘I agree,’ Kekipi said, pushing the glass of water closer toward me. ‘You should drink this and then you should do a video.’

  I took the glass with a sigh and gulped it down. Who knew water could be so delicious?

  ‘Are you recording?’ I asked as I fluffed up my already fluffy hair. The humidity in Hawaii was no friend to us fine-haired folk.

  ‘I’m recording,’ Paige replied. ‘Go for it.’

  ‘Hi,’ I said, tossing my head at the camera. ‘I’m Angela Clark, editor of Recherché dot com, and I’m just like you. I’m a mom, I’m a wife and I’m career woman and, you’re probably wondering, how does she do it?’

  ‘I know I am!’ Kekipi yelled. ‘Tell us how you do it?’

  ‘It’s easy,’ I said, pouting at Paige’s phone. ‘The truth is I’m tired all the time. I run on sugar, caffeine and the dream of what the inside of my eyelids used to look like. Plus, I’m constantly on the verge of weeing myself and I haven’t had sex in weeks.’

  ‘Tell us more!’ Kekipi demanded with glee.

  I leaned in towards the camera and gave it my best James Jacobs trademark smoulder.

  ‘Once, I stopped at my friend’s house while she was out to change my baby’s nappy and her dog took the nappy bag out the bin and ran all through the house, showering shit over three floors. It took me two and a half hours to clean it up, the baby wouldn’t stop crying, I had to ride the subway smelling like rancid baby poop and the dog hasn’t been right since.’

  ‘Maybe we should try this tomorrow,’ Paige suggested. ‘I don’t think this is quite the tone we’re going for.’

  ‘Follow my adventures on Recherché dot com to see my real life, my amazing friends, gorgeous husband and see what motherhood in New York is really like,’ I said, throwing my arms up in a flourish. ‘Good luck getting your pushchair on the subway, not going to happen. Oh, you’re out longer than you were planning to be and need to feed your baby? Enjoy hiding in the stock cupboard in that nice Starbucks on 23rd Street. And you know what won’t fit you ever again? All your clothes! It’s fabulous!’

  ‘Yeah, let’s call it for now,’ she replied, lowering her phone.

  ‘Are you sure?�
� I asked, arms dropping to my sides. ‘Because I have at least …’ I paused to count on my fingers. ‘Seventeen more tips.’

  ‘Perhaps we should dance,’ Kekipi suggested, hopping around the bar and taking my hands in his. ‘The hula has been superlative but perhaps it’s time for something a bit more lively.’

  He waved over at someone back in the dining room and, as if by magic, a thudding bass line began to echo from hidden speakers and my hips began to move all of their own accord.

  ‘I love this song!’ Louisa shouted, throwing her arms up over her head and spinning around, making her dress float out all around her like a soft, silken cloud.

  ‘Me too!’ I agreed. ‘What is it?’

  ‘I don’t know!’ she replied. ‘I never want this night to end.’

  ‘Me either,’ I called, wrapping my arms around her neck. ‘I love you so much.’

  And just for a moment, everything was perfect.

  But it was only for a moment.

  ‘Angela, are you sure you’re OK?’

  I looked up from my position, slumped in front of the toilet bowl in my villa bathroom.

  ‘I’m fine,’ I shouted back to Jenny, drawing out the middle of the word so they’d know I really meant it. ‘I’m just going to wash my face and then go straight to bed.’

  I looked across the room to the enormous mirror and pressed my fingers to my lips.

  ‘I’m not going to wash my face,’ I whispered, swearing my reflection to secrecy. ‘I’m going to throw up.’

  ‘I think I’d feel better if I could get in there and see you, boo,’ Jenny called through the door. ‘Open up for me, will you?’

  With a heavy sigh, I rolled over and crawled to the door, pressing the lock inwards and opening it, just a crack. Jenny and Paige peered inside the bathroom, looks of concern on their faces, while James waved his iPhone in my general direction, Louisa clinging to his back like a baby koala bear.

  ‘Take Louisa home,’ I ordered, pointing at my friend but not quite aiming my accusatory finger in the right direction. ‘She’s drunk.’

  ‘Babe,’ Jenny replied. ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Why aren’t you drunk?’ I demanded, slapping the floor tiles. ‘What happened to a weekend of cocktails and sand and other things I don’t remember I’m so tired?’

  ‘I’m not drunk because I’m working,’ she said with a roll of her eyes. ‘Some of us have a CEO to entertain as well as your drunk ass.’

  ‘I am fine.’ I wagged a finger at her from the floor and fought back a barf. ‘I’m going to wash my face, clean my teeth, possibly employ a tactical vom, and then I am going to sleep like a baby. Although not my baby because she does not sleep that well. I’m going to sleep better than my baby but just as good as someone else’s.’

  ‘Someone should stay with her,’ Paige said. ‘She’s wrecked.’

  ‘This isn’t wrecked,’ Jenny replied. ‘She’s not even singing yet. When she starts performing Les Mis from start to finish, that’s when we worry.’

  ‘I’ll stay,’ Louisa whispered, struggling to form her words. ‘I’ll make sure she’s OK.’

  ‘You’re staying with me,’ James answered. ‘Someone else is going to have to make sure this one makes it through the night.’

  ‘I’m closing the door now,’ I said, reaching up for the door handle and managing to grab it on the second try. ‘Good night, friends. I love you so much.’

  Ignoring their protestations, I closed the door and locked it behind them, before crawling back to the toilet. I breathed in, breathed out and stared at the inside of the lid.

  ‘Villeroy and Boch,’ I said out loud. ‘That’s a funny name for a toilet.’

  Turning around to rest against the cold, tiled wall, I picked up the receiver of the telephone situated next to the lav, my fingers hovering over the keypad before I committed to dialling. After a couple of false starts, I heard the line connect and somewhere across the ocean a phone began to ring.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Alex,’ I whispered. ‘It’s me.’

  ‘Ange,’ he replied with a yawn. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘I broke my phone on a horse,’ I explained. ‘And I can’t milk myself any more. But I didn’t kiss the man without a top on, James will tell you.’

  ‘Got it,’ he murmured. ‘You’re drunk.’

  ‘I am the tiniest bit tippish,’ I replied, deeply, deeply offended. ‘Because I hurt my bottom on the same horse.’

  ‘Babe,’ Alex’s voice was croaky and possibly not as pleased to hear from me as I would have liked. ‘It’s three in the morning and you’re not making a ton of sense. Can we talk tomorrow?’

  ‘No, it’s later,’ I argued. ‘It’s really late here so it’s morning in New York.’

  ‘I’m looking at my watch,’ he replied. ‘It’s three-oh-seven. Which means it’s ten-oh-seven in Hawaii.’

  Oh my god it was so early. I was a monster.

  ‘But when you called from Japan we talked forever,’ I said, unexpected tears edging into my voice. ‘And I was so tired and I got on the wrong subway and I woke up in Bay Ridge but I wasn’t mad at you.’

  ‘What are you talking about? I’m not mad at you, I’m just tired. And I haven’t been to Japan in years,’ he said. ‘Angela, are you OK? Is Jenny with you?’

  ‘Lou said I should send you a picture of my tits but it was depressing,’ I huffed. ‘Do you want me to send you a picture of something else instead?’

  He did not reply.

  ‘Who’s Cara?’

  ‘Oh Jesus,’ Alex groaned down the line. ‘Seriously? You’re pulling this when you’re the one who went to Hawaii and left me on my own with the baby and a broken ankle?’

  ‘It’s not broken,’ I said, a little too quickly. ‘And you told me to go. You said I should go.’

  He was quiet for a moment before I heard him take a deep inhale and exhale slowly.

  ‘I know I did,’ he replied. ‘But I guess I thought you wouldn’t really go.’

  ‘And now you’re mad at me.’

  ‘And now I’m frustrated,’ Alex corrected. ‘I’m frustrated that I can’t get around as quick as I’d like because of my busted ankle, I’m frustrated because the show isn’t coming together as well as I want and I’m frustrated because you’re not here. But I’m not mad at you. But maybe I’m taking my frustration out on you and I’m sorry.’

  ‘I shouldn’t have left you,’ I whispered, closing my eyes and wishing he was there with me. ‘I miss you so much.’

  ‘I miss you too,’ he said. ‘Don’t let this ruin your trip. I’m good, I’m fine.’

  He was fine, I was fine, we were fine. I smiled and rested my face against the side of the cold bath.

  ‘Is Alice all right?’

  ‘Alice is amazing,’ he replied with a definite smile in his voice. ‘She did the craziest forward roll thing today, I sent you a video. You didn’t see it?’

  ‘But the horse broke my phone,’ I hiccuped. ‘And I left Alice alone because I’m a bad mum.’

  ‘You’re not a bad mom.’

  ‘Mum.’

  ‘You’re not that drunk if you can correct me,’ he said with a smile in his voice. ‘Fine. You’re not a bad mum.’

  ‘My mum says I am,’ I told him, twisting one of the strands of the bathmat all the way one way and then all the way the other. ‘She says I shouldn’t leave Alice alone with you until she’s fifteen.’

  ‘Angela, if you got wasted every time your mom raised a question about the way you lived your life, you’d be permanently tanked. I’ll admit that I’m a little confused about this horse stuff and why it had your phone but I would like to go back to sleep now. You’re a great mom.’

  ‘Mum.’

  ‘Goodnight, Angela,’ Alex said. ‘Call me when you wake up tomorrow. After you’ve had coffee and a bucket of Advil.’

  ‘Will you stay on the phone with me until I fall asleep?’ I asked.

  Somewhere, a very long way away, I knew
he was smiling and shaking his head at the same time.

  ‘Yes. But now I’m awake, I have to pee so I’m taking the phone to the bathroom with me.’

  Our marriage was the stuff dreams were made of.

  ‘OK, I have to switch to the phone in the bedroom,’ I said, placing the handset on the floor, very, very carefully and then crawling out of the bathroom and through into my dimly lit bedroom. I paused. Someone was on the bed. Creeping as quietly as I could, I pushed up on my hands and knees to see a mass of golden-brown curls spread out across one of the king-size pillows.

  It was Jenny, eyes closed, under the covers like Goldilocks.

  ‘Jenny,’ I whispered. ‘Are you awake?’

  ‘No,’ she muttered. ‘Get your ass to sleep.’

  ‘I want to talk to you,’ I hissed. ‘I know you’re avoiding me.’

  ‘I’m here to make sure you don’t choke on your puke in your sleep,’ she said without moving. ‘Not listen to your drunk-ass bullshit. Would I be here if I was avoiding you?’

  She had a point but I was still very certain I did too. I had evidence! I’d put together a case! Only I couldn’t quite remember what it was …

  I rolled myself onto the bed. The firm pillow-top mattress barely budged as I clung to the edge.

  ‘I’m going to say goodnight to Alex,’ I whispered loudly. ‘Do you want to talk to him?’

  ‘No,’ she replied. ‘I’m asleep.’

  ‘OK,’ I said and picked up the phone on the bedside table.

  ‘Hey.’ Alex was waiting on the end of the line. ‘You in bed?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Are you nodding instead of talking?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes,’ I confirmed. ‘I really miss you.’

  ‘I really miss you too,’ he whispered back. ‘Now go to sleep.’

  ‘Will you sing for me?’ I asked.

  ‘Angela, go to sleep,’ Alex crooned quietly. ‘It’s three o’clock in the morning, our daughter will be awake in two hours and I’m really, really fucking tired.’

  ‘That’s a good one,’ I said, stifling a yawn. ‘Number one smash worldwide.’

  Cradling the handset close to my face, I closed my eyes and smiled.

  ‘I love you,’ I whispered.