With My Body

by Nikki Gemmell

  You’re weeping now. Julian squeezes your shoulder tight, holding in your sobs.

  ‘And Tol knew that your father was right. He got the gate locked.’ A pause. ‘And for years he kept it locked.’

  ‘Why?’

  He looks at you as if it is obvious.

  ‘To give you a chance.’

  Lesson 193

  I think I was not quite correct about such a thing

  Your world detonating.

  With knowing. Realigning.

  You had always thought your father didn’t love you anymore. Had always thought your stepmother had won, that you had lost that particular battle from the moment she arrived in your life. Had always thought he never cared enough about your study, work, life; it was why he never went to speech nights or father—daughter dances, to formals and school masses.

  Because he couldn’t.

  Couldn’t talk to those people. Didn’t want to be showed up. Didn’t understand that world, was afraid of it. You squeeze your eyes shut on hot tears. That little, little man, who you once thought so huge, untouchable, heroic. Remembering how he used to talk to you when your stepmother wasn’t around—how he still talks to you when she isn’t around—remember that, remember it, nothing else.

  The purity at the messy, shocking, reeling, cluttered heart of all this. Hold onto it, nothing else.

  It is like bursting through the surface of the water, after a drowning, a near-death; bursting through it with a great zooming rush into the air, the light.

  Lesson 194

  One ounce of kind feeling, tact, and thoughtfulness for others be worth a cart-load of ponderous etiquette

  ‘Why didn’t Tol explain any of this?’ you ask, rubbing your eyes. ‘I went mad with it. For years. All the uncertainty, the not knowing. There was just one measly note that told me nothing, really. It ate me up.’

  ‘He couldn’t tell you. He was too injured, at first. It was only luck that I found him. I’d driven up to check on the manuscript, time was running out. I found him on the verandah, a day later. He’d crawled that far, as far as he could get before collapsing. He was in hospital for so long. In and out of consciousness. He refused to press charges, of course. He couldn’t write to you. His hands were no use. He was a cripple. He pleaded with me to go back to his typewriter, get something to you, anything. He trusted me to do it. I’m hopeless at these kinds of things. He wanted you to soar, to live your life strong—’ he paused. ‘But I was so furious, at the whole thing; the loss of his manuscript, his hands. I—I bashed something out.’

  ‘What? But … ’ You murmur, your mind whirring. Tol, Tol. ‘Where is he? I need to see him.’

  Julian puts his arms around you. Fatherly, firming.

  ‘Come back tomorrow.’

  You take a deep breath. Wipe your hands furiously across tear-stained cheeks. Right. OK.

  ‘Thank you, Julian,’ you say, businesslike, firm.

  He walks you to your car. Smiles the old smile, from the very first time you met him at this place. As you shut your door he yells out.

  ‘Tol wanted you to have a life. He was mortified. Your father’s words really shook him. He’s the best person I know. The most generous.’

  You nod. ‘Yes.’

  As you drive past you idle the car. One last question.

  ‘What’s his real name?’ Because you always wanted to know, and never asked. What on earth was it short for?

  ‘Ptolemy. He hated it. It never went down well in an Aussie playground.’

  ‘Ptolemy,’ you repeat in wonder and laugh. No wonder he didn’t let on.

  ‘We all have to carry burdens from our parents,’ Julian grins. ‘He wanted to spare you that one.’

  You honk your horn in gratitude and speed off, your hand butting the night air in farewell.

  Scarcely able to concentrate on the road, veering and wildly correcting yourself as the car sluices off the dirt; stopping abruptly at a roo, its eyes silver coins in your headlights and then driving on with a frantic, churning heart. At all of it.

  Lesson 195

  The new generation which brightens life with a perpetual hope

  To your father, to your jumbly tumbly boys. Your stepmother is out, visiting her sister. You stride in the door of your old home feeling like icy water is washing over you, gasping for breath, voice. You look at your dad—on his fake-leather recliner rocker he’s so proud of—with various little men perched on him or scrunched beside him; four cheeky little boys at home, alone, with the run of the house and gleeful with it. Your father’s flannelette pyjamas are poking from his trouser legs and all four of them are devouring the Batman movie, The Dark Knight, with shiny eyes, you’ve never allowed your boys to watch it. Even your youngest, Pip, is still up and they’re all pleased as punch they’ve been allowed to stay awake so late, it’s the latest they’ve ever been up in their lives.

  You stand there, your heart thumping. So much to say to this old man before you and yet in the heat of the moment, you can’t. Just can’t. All you remember are Julian’s words; that in his violence was a supreme act of love. It was the only way he could express it. Tol had to respect that.

  And the sight of all of them together, soldered by blood, your blood, is breaking you.

  With happiness.

  Because your father only became alive to you, fully human, when you had these kids; he could only relate to you, understand you, when you were a mother. But the intensity of the loving never changed.

  And now you understand.

  At last.

  He told you once—in those reeling days after the locked gate, when he was driving you the three-hour trip back to school—that you must never, ever care for a man more than he cares for you. Treat ’em mean keep ’em keen and never forget it, he had ruefully laughed and later you had written his words down. He told you that if anyone ever hurt you he would hunt them down and kill ’em and you saw but did not truly comprehend then that he was scared of the enormity of his love for you, and you held that in your heart for a while but then life took over, and you forgot.

  But now.

  You understand. That some things in life, you must let go.

  Lesson 196

  Be very patient with this person; bear their little faults as they must bear yours; make allowances for the unintentional slights, neglects or offences, that we all in the whirl of life must endure

  You bury your face into the snuffly, lovely, giggly warmth of the boys as you pour them into bed. Your stepmother not only bathed them but washed their hair before she left for her sister’s. You smile your gratitude, a warmth towards her nudging through you. It is how she speaks to you, by these solid, simple gestures; how she has been speaking to your father their entire married life.

  You do not hate her, at all, oh no. You are intrigued by her. She is a type of woman you didn’t know still existed; a woman who has devoted her entire adult life, completely, to one job and one only. Wife. A woman from a generation that put themselves last. And what you both know is that you would never want to be her. That you will manage your own life rather than let someone else do it for you. It is unspoken and enormous between you—your difference.

  You pity her. She is not educated, not particularly intelligent; your father has told you with relief that she is a simple woman. You sensed it even at fourteen, the narrowness of her world. Not a reader, no friends beyond family, no curiosity or greed for a wider life. You pity the fear that has dictated her choices in life. Of her husband. Of divorce. Of risk. Of work. Of her watching stepdaughter—suddenly, vividly, hugely, in her life. Who never saw her acutely enough.

  Her childlessness. Children of her own never came and you never discussed it with her and can only imagine the vastness of her silent anguish over the years, at the core of her life, and you wish you’d been there for her at some point; that she’d allowed it, that you’d been able to talk about it at least. But she wouldn’t have wanted that. She has devoted her whole life to her allotted role
within matrimony and she does it with rigorous attention and grace.

  You are grateful for her. For your father’s sake.

  For she is the best type of wife for a man like him.

  There is a dignity to it. You curl your body around little Pippy and smile, breathing in deep the smell of his cleanliness.

  Lesson 197

  Labour is happiness

  A new heart. At last.

  Radiant with relief.

  You have your father’s love. It is like a banner, proud in its breeze, flapping across your wounded soul in this enormous, shifting night. His immense love, and your stepmother can never take that away from you and she knows it as do you, now, and it is enough.

  You are free.

  You have worked and had children and travelled and lived a life of varied and extraordinary experiences, that a generation ago could scarcely be imagined, and for years you never saw the richness of it. How lucky you are.

  But now this.

  You are learning gratitude, at last.

  And with that comes release.

  Lesson 198

  Any sort of body can in time be made useful, and agreeable, as a travelling-dress for the soul

  Dressing carefully the next morning, as carefully as if you are preparing for a wedding, a formal, the greatest interview of your life. Applying make-up which you rarely do now, changing outfits—once, twice—going back to what you had at the start. No make-up. A simple shirt. The woman you once were. Honest.

  Need him to clearly see your face. The living in it. The change. The strength.

  But as you drive up Woondala’s driveway you are crying, don’t know why; a great letting go, perhaps, a floodtide washing through you. Your whole past in this drive and your future. Between the magnificent Slaty Gum by the property’s gate and the knife-leafed wattle at the back, you were made, once, you feel that.

  A letter is on the doorstep.

  Just that.

  No Julian. No Tol. No cars. The house as empty as a church.

  After the shock, you realise you expected this.

  Nothing more. Of course.

  Lesson 199

  We have come to view life in its entirety, instead of agonisingly puzzling over its disjointed parts

  A letter, typed. You recognise instantly the intensity of the ink.

  How to say this … I can’t meet you. Forgive me. I don’t want you to see me like this. My brokenness. Let’s remember how we were, just that. It’s better that way. Those extraordinary weeks. Don’t seek me out, don’t worry about me. I am writing. I have found other ways to work. Under other names. It has freed me, in fact.

  So. You are back. All changed yet not. A woman now. A mother. Three boys. What a delight! And a good husband. Julian has told me that. He knows these things. You deserve it.

  I hope you will write a book. I sensed it from that very first time together in my study. I always had faith in you to write out your questions and your curiosity and your bewilderment. To act with audacity. You are much more honest than me. Which is why you must do this. It is right it comes from you, from your perspective.

  Just know one thing. You taught me. No one had ever given me the gift of that. I responded to what you wanted. Thank you for that. Yet I failed you in the end. I could never match you, be honest enough with you. I could never show you my real self. As you did. You had the courage. I didn’t.

  If I taught you one thing it is this: to live life vividly and with passion. Remember that. We must wring as much happiness as we can out of life during our allotted time on this earth.

  So. Turn around. Go home. Seize that happiness and be content with it. Close this chapter, this tiny chapter, in the vastness of your life.

  T xxx

  Lesson 200

  Fear not the world: it is often juster to us than we are to ourselves

  You look up to the roof, reeling in the light, and there it is. Through your tears, your gulps of wet, your shielding hand.

  A shadow.

  A movement—at the high window you stood at when you first came to this house and looked over the valley in audacious ownership, and felt filled up.

  It could have been a bird, a possum, a cloud shift.

  But something, definitely, is there.

  You run through the house, up the stairs, holding back a sob, holding back a name. To the wing of padlocked doors but one is open and you run to it; fingers are just disappearing around the door frame as it shuts, beautiful useless fingers that tripped down a back once as speaking as a whisper, hands that have lost all their strength, are old, but the fingertips are familiar, the curve of them, the clean lovely moons that you once held in the cave of your mouth. They stop, for a moment, and you press your lips to the ring finger—trembling, vulnerable, impotent—through your tears you feel it.

  The moth’s first kiss.

  Then the hand slips away, and the door is shut.

  Lesson 201

  Women—whose character is of their own making, and whose lot lies in their own hands

  You turn away.

  You walk to your car.

  Your thudding heart, your thudding heart.

  You do not look back.

  Your name, now, Released.

  As you power down the road you will never drive upon again.

  To the next phase of your life, the next tiny chapter within the richness of all that goes on, that you never appreciate enough.

  A phase you own.

  No one else. Not your husband, not your parent, not your long-gone lover or your children.

  You.

  X

  ‘She only comes when she’s on top’

  James

  Lesson 202

  She is now mistress over herself—she has learnt to understand herself, mentally and bodily

  Back.

  To the house held together by thatchers’ ladders and coffin lids.

  You have changed the intensity of how you live. A gust has blown through your life, flushing it clean. Your perception of how well you are doing is measured by how serene you are feeling at any given time and here, now, you are at peace. With Rexi, who is hooking his hand around your throat as you lie beside him in his bed.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘I’m holding on to you, Mummy, so you can’t run away from the boysies.’

  You bury your face into the warmth of his neck and smile and breathe deep. Your beautiful son, who makes you laugh so much. All of them.

  It is enough.

  His firm, soft, nine-year-old hand holding you still as you lie in the voluminous quiet. You’ve become extremely vulnerable to kindness, it’s the quality you now cherish the most. And it’s wondrous and moving to see your son transforming into a man. A gorgeous man. Whose kindness astounds you; the generosity of it. He’s a much better person than you. He teaches you so much.

  Open-eyed.

  At last.

  Lesson 203

  Having chosen, let her fulfil her lot

  The urge to return to Australia for good has softened. This is your lot, your life, and you are still with it. Finally. As you have aged you have felt the desire to belong, somewhere, above all, and you belong here in this tight, scruffy, imperfect little unit—in this place.

  You feel rested too. Pip is finally sleeping through the night and with that comes repairing, an old energy back that you’d completely forgotten about. The balm of solid nights’ sleeps. For Hugh too.

  You can feel it, something revving.

  Lesson 204

  By the time she has arrived at half of those three-score-years-and-ten she will generally have become her own mistress

  Rushing through the door on a damp Saturday afternoon, laden with midlife-crisis shopping bags. Topshop, French Connection, Zara. You can hear all four of them singing the World Cup anthem around the kitchen table and you head straight into them: they’re doing fine. Homework done. Mouths wiped. Lunch consumed, albeit the detritus uncleared but so what?
r />   Hugh eyes the shopping.

  ‘Well, at least you haven’t given up,’ he remarks drily and you laugh. ‘But where’s the one from Coco de Mer?’

  ‘What’s Cocal din-ner?’ Jack pipes up.

  You pull out a bra, ta dah! Three little boys squirm and cover their eyes in horror. But your husband comes up to you and pushes into your space in silence like a horse at a fence nudging for grass. Strong, gentle, hopeful.

  You kiss him back. Hold, and let the holding wash over you, as does he.

  Lesson 205

  I hold the law of kindness, the alpha and omega of education

  You love this man. The knowing washes like a golden balm under your skin, washes through your body as you hold in the kitchen amid a cacophony of chanty, squealy, shove-y boys. Your husband amongst it is in you like the glow of a candle. Quieting.

  You know now you are ready to lead a more honest life. A life self-created—or you will disappear. That is your choice as your forties gather pace.

  And you have clever fingertips.

  Because you were taught, once.

  ‘I want to fuck you tonight,’ you whisper.

  Hugh steps back in astonishment.

  ‘Boys, straight to bed after X-Factor!’ he announces. ‘You all need an early night. And footy tomorrow. It’s about time we all went.’

  Boys groaning. Dad rubbing his hands. Mum smiling a smile she hasn’t used for a long time, years.