Monogamy

by Susan X Meagher

  "Well, I feel a little odd even asking the question, but what I’d like is some advice on how to exact revenge against someone."

  There was a significant silence, then he said quietly, "I suppose I can understand why you’d think I’d be an expert on the issue … but it still smarts to have you think that."

  "I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings, Jim, really I am. But, I know that you’ve worked with a private investigator before, and I thought you might be able to tell me if hiring one would be a waste of my money."

  "My feelings are a little hurt, Ryan," he said surprising himself with his honesty, "but I made that particular bed, so I can’t be upset with your assuming I lie in it. Now, who would you like to have investigated, and what do you want to find out?"

  "Cassie Martin is the person, and I want anything I can use to wipe the nasty, smug smile off her face."

  "Hmm … Jamie’s told me that you’re having a tough time getting over your anger at that creature. I’m so angry with her myself that I’d be willing to pay for the investigation, Ryan. What she did was unconscionable."

  "I agree, Jim, and I’ll admit that most of my anger is because of what she said about Jamie. I can’t stand to see someone I love hurt."

  "What’s your plan, Ryan? What do you think you might be able to use?"

  "I’m not sure. I’m working on something to embarrass her, but even while I’m doing it, I know that it’s incredibly immature. I feel like a 9-year-old, but I can’t stop myself. I get a great deal of satisfaction from working on this little project – dreaming about the look on her face when she sees it."

  "Tell me about your project, Ryan. Maybe there’s something we can come up with to make it work for us."

  She shrugged her shoulders and confided everything to Jim, and at the end of the discussion he said, "I think your focus is misdirected. If I were you, I’d make this a two-pronged approach. I’d not only want to humiliate her – I’d want to take a pound of flesh."

  "Hmm … sounds pretty harsh." She paused for a moment, and let the evil smile that was begging to get out settle upon her face. "I’m in."

  Jordan sat in her room, trying to keep her eyes open long enough to call Mia. They tried to keep their nightly calls brief, and they’d taken to making them right before bed, but that time was getting earlier and earlier. Finally deciding she couldn’t wait any longer, Jordan dialed Mia’s number and waited for her always-perky voice to answer. To her surprise, the always-perky voice was a little subdued, and she quizzed, "Hi. Did I catch you at a bad time?"

  "Oh, no," Mia said unconvincingly. "I’m just a little tired tonight."

  "Did you go out last night?" Jordan asked.

  "Yeah. We had Jamie’s party yesterday, remember?"

  "Uh-huh. I remember. But I also remember that it was over in the early afternoon. You didn’t call me last night, and it was your turn. I called you right before I went to bed, but you didn’t answer." Even though she had only a slight feeling that Mia was dissembling, her stomach was in her throat and her heart beat heavily in her chest. There was a short pause, then Jordan asked, "Is something going on, Mia?"

  The fifteen seconds that it took for Mia to compose her answer felt like an eternity to the blonde. Jordan knew that something was amiss, and as she often did, she catastrophized the possibilities; running through a list that covered everything from fatal illnesses to outright betrayal. "Uhm … I did something last night that, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have done," Mia began. As she spoke, Jordan had to lie down, the blood rushing to her extremities so quickly that she felt faint. "It’s no big deal, but Ryan pointed out that you might not like it …"

  "For God’s sake, Mia, what is it?"

  "Honey … honey … calm down," she soothed. "It’s nothing horrible."

  "Then tell me," Jordan got out through gritted teeth.

  "Okay." Mia took a breath and tried to put her actions in the best possible light. "You’ve met my friend Aaron, remember?"

  "Yes," she said tightly. "I met him on campus one day."

  "Right. Well, he and I went out last night – to a rave," she added tentatively.

  "Mia, you didn’t …" Jordan began, but Mia stopped her immediately.

  "No, I didn’t do anything crazy, Jordy. I got drunk, and so did Aaron. He had a couple of friends there, and they had done a lot of E, so we all came back to my house."

  "What happened?" Jordan snapped, her patience ebbing.

  "Uhm … Aaron and I slept in the same bed." Mia said this very quietly, stunned by how bad it sounded, compared to how innocent it had been.

  She could hear Jordan swallow, and then a full minute ticked by before she heard her quiet voice ask. "Why?"

  Mia’s words came out in a rush. "We always have! It didn’t even cross my mind. We were both drunk, and we stumbled into bed like we always do. Aaron’s like a brother to me, Jordy, and he’s the gayest man alive. Neither of us has ever touched each other sexually, and neither of us would ever want to. I swear!" she finished plaintively.

  A tired-sounding sigh left Jordan’s lips and she said, "I believe you, Mia, but it still hurts my feelings."

  "But why?"

  Jordan wasn’t sure what hurt worse. The fact that Mia had slept with Aaron, or that she didn’t understand why it bothered her. "That’s an intimacy that we should keep for each other," she finally said, her voice very thin. "Did you touch him or cuddle up to him?"

  "Yes," she said. "It’s very, very fraternal, Jordy, but we did cuddle a little."

  "Would you mind if I did that with one of my straight roommates?"

  "I get your point," Mia sighed. "I’m sorry."

  She sounded very contrite, but Jordan cursed their distance once again. Not being able to see Mia’s face made this so hard, and she knew they’d get past this quickly if they could hold each other again. "I know," she said. "I know you didn’t mean to hurt me."

  "That’s the furthest thing from my mind, Jordy. You’re my girl."

  "I am," she whispered, and Mia could hear the tears in her voice. "I’m gonna go now. Sleep well, Mia. I love you."

  Mia wanted to beg her to stay on the line until she was sure they were okay, but Jordan sounded so tired that she didn’t have the heart to do so. "I love you too, Jordan. I’m so sorry that I hurt you – I’ll never do something like that again."

  "I know you won’t," she said, relieved that she was confident Mia would honor her promise. "G’night."

  "Night." As she placed the phone back in the cradle, Mia flopped to the bed and stared up at the ceiling in frustration. Nice job, she chided herself. You hurt Jordan’s feelings and made Ryan think you’re an asshole. Not bad for a day’s work.

  When Jamie got into bed that night, Ryan was lying prone, her hands laced behind her head. Her eyes were fixed on the ceiling, and she gave a start when her partner crawled in with her. "What’s going on behind those baby blues?"

  "Oh." Ryan rolled onto her side and braced her head on her hand, "I was thinking about double standards."

  "Is that a math thingy?"

  Ryan chuckled and shook her head. "Huh-uh. I was thinking about how you must have felt when I told you that Jordan and I slept together on road trips."

  Jamie lay down on her back and snaked an arm around her partner, pulling her onto her chest. When Ryan’s head was comfortably pillowed on her breast, she began to stroke her hair, and said, "It wasn’t my favorite thing, but I was so new at being a lesbian that I thought it might be a common occurrence with your kind." She chuckled mildly to show that she didn’t harbor any ill feelings about the incident. "I knew you weren’t doing anything that I should be suspicious of – so I forced myself to swallow my unease."

  "I’m sorry for that, Jamie," Ryan murmured.

  "It’s okay, babe. I slept with Mia when you and Jordan were on that one road trip. Did that bother you?"

  "No," Ryan said thoughtfully. "I know you’ve never been attracted to each other, and you’ve been friends for so lo
ng that you seem very much like sisters. Jordan and I didn’t have that kind of history, though, and I think it was quite obvious that she was pretty flirty when we first met."

  "All an act," Jamie said, having seen through the aloof-looking woman’s facade.

  "Yeah, but it still doesn’t feel the same to me. Even if you didn’t mind, I should have at least asked you first."

  "Do you want me to ask you first if I ever sleep with Mia again? I might want to sometime when you’re on a road trip."

  "No, it doesn’t bother me at all. If you’re feeling lonely, I want you to get comfort." She looked thoughtful again and said, "I don’t have anyone in my life that seems like a sister, Jamie, and it doesn’t seem right to me to share my bed with another woman." Nodding to herself, she looked at her partner and said, "It’s taken me a while to begin to understand what it means to be monogamous. I’ll never do that again."

  "It’s okay," Jamie said. "If you ever did, I know it would be because the person really needed some comforting. It’s your nature to soothe someone who’s hurting. I don’t want you to stop being who you are."

  "I think it’s best to limit it to warming someone who has hypothermia," she said. "Knowing me – that’s not outside the realm of possibilities."

  "It’s a deal. Next time you’re climbing Everest, you have my permission to share a sleeping bag."

  "If I ever climb Everest, I want you right by my side," Ryan insisted.

  "Then that’s one place to knock off your list of possibilities," Jamie said. "You’re the tallest mountain I want to climb."

  Part 8

  Senator James Sloan Evans stood in front of the microphone, gazing out at the sea of semi-interested faces, as he addressed the students at Cal State University-Los Angeles. His scheduled remarks had just concluded, and he braced himself for the questions from reporters that were sure to follow.

  His advance staff had tried to keep the members of the press to a minimum, since the senator was still trying to get comfortable with the pugnacious style that most reporters displayed. He was used to a very civil style of discourse, both at the firm, and in his daily life, and he was having a little trouble adjusting. On more than one occasion, a staff member had to catch his eye and make a discreet "kill" sign to urge him to stop talking about an issue that they were not ready to have made public, and he was slowly learning to dance around every question – revealing little, if anything.

  After the expected questions about the economy, his support for Vice President Gore in the November election, and his insistence that he would not be running for re-election, a young man, probably a student, finally was allowed to step to the microphone. "Senator Evans," he began, his voice shaking from nervousness, "could you describe your stance on Proposition 22?"

  Jim hid a smile, pleased that he was up to date on the party line, and comfortable with the position the administration had decided upon. "My stance on this proposition has been consistent. I am unequivocally opposed to it. Even though this is a state, not a federal matter, I think it’s a wrongheaded ploy by a small group of right wing zealots to push their agenda forward – at the expense of gay men and lesbians. This proposition is totally unnecessary, and will lead to nothing less than an increase in divisive rhetoric. I think we have quite enough of that in the country at the moment," he concluded firmly.

  The young man nodded and went back to his seat, his place taken by a newspaperman from the Los Angeles Times. "Could you explain how the proposition would divide the state, Senator? The wording couldn’t be simpler," he explained. "It merely states that in the state of California, marriage is defined as a union between a man and a woman. That doesn’t seem so divisive to me."

  "If the backers of the proposition were merely trying to clear up a point of confusion, I would have no argument," Jim said. "But case law and judicial opinions have consistently held that marriage in this state is only valid between men and women. The backers don’t want to clarify the law – they want to make this a referendum on behavior that they don’t approve of. I guarantee that they will tout a winning vote as evidence that the people of the state are opposed to gay rights – even though gay rights are not addressed in this proposition. I assure you that the backers of the plan are using this to advance their own goals. Why else would the advertisements imply that this proposition is the only thing stopping people of the same sex from marrying? That’s not so – and that’s why I think the measure is mean-spirited and divisive."

  Several other reporters now started shouting questions at him, but Jim’s handlers decided that he’d said enough for one afternoon. The last question was loud enough to be heard even over the din. "Does the fact that your daughter is a lesbian influence your vote, Senator?" The small band began to play, and soon the noise overwhelmed the shouted questions, and the senator was able to leave the stage after waving to the moderately enthusiastic crowd.

  "Wow," Jason Farlington sighed as he settled into the roomy leather seat of the limo that would take Jim and Kayla back to the airport. "My life flashed before my eyes. Anyone else?"

  Jim gave his chief aide a sharp look and asked, "What do you mean by that?"

  The younger man sat up straighter and cleared his throat nervously. "Oh! just that uhm … well, that we’re vulnerable on the proposition. We’ve got to avoid it, Senator – at all costs."

  "Vulnerable?" the low, slow voice asked. "Vulnerable how, Jason?"

  He knew he had been caught, so he decided to be totally honest. "Everyone knows that your daughter is gay, sir. It’s a live grenade. Every time this issue has come up, we’ve managed to dodge it, but that can’t last forever. I’m hoping we don’t get dragged into a big thing before the primary. The Veep doesn’t need this shit."

  Jim’s eyes narrowed, and his nostrils flared as he spat, "Al Gore can kiss my ass! My daughter’s private life is her business! Not yours – not anyone’s!"

  "Of course, of course," Jason backpedaled. "No one with any brains cares about her sexual preference, Senator. But it’s still a weak spot, and I’d like to continue to run every time it comes up." He cleared his throat and mentioned the point that had bothered him the most. "You said something that’s not on message, sir, and I …"

  "Now what?" he growled, sick to death of being dictated to by underlings.

  "You said two words that can’t ever be used to your advantage … especially given your daughter’s uhm …"

  Eyes narrowing to slits, Jim cocked his head, waiting for the younger man to finish his thought.

  "You said ‘gay rights’, sir," he swallowed. "It’s bad enough to say ‘gay’, but it’s a time bomb to ever merge the word ‘gay’ with ‘rights’. The other side will find some way to take your statement out of context and …"

  Jim held up a hand, as Kayla shifted uncomfortably in the seat next to him. "Enough. I get the message. You won’t have to tell me again." Closing his eyes, he allowed his head to drop back onto the seat, as Kayla and Jason shared an anxious look over his head. His quiet voice startled both of them. "This god damned proposition means nothing, and how my daughter spends her time means nothing to the people of this state!"

  "That would be nice," Jason said, his voice as soothing as he could make it. "But, it’s not reality, sir."

  Now that Ryan was feeling so much better, she and Amanda had tapered off to speaking three times a week on the phone. Much to her surprise, Ryan struggled a little with the diminution of their contact, but she knew she had to get used to dealing with her feelings on her own, so she did her best to express how she felt about the reduced sessions, rather than give in to the temptation to increase them again.

  They had consciously tried to limit their discussions to focusing on the carjacking, and all of the fallout from the event. Now, nearly eight weeks since the trauma, there was only one thing that Ryan had on her agenda. Placing her Wednesday morning call to Amanda, Ryan decided to broach the topic. "I’ve decided on my plan for revenge," she said quietly.

  Am
anda didn’t rise to the bait, merely saying, "Yes?"

  "Uh-huh. I know we’ve talking about this several times, Amanda, but I don’t think I can let go of my anger without some satisfaction."

  There was a long silence, while Amanda waited to make sure Ryan was finished. Then she said, "I understand your impulse, Ryan, but as I’ve said before, it’s awfully difficult to exact revenge. I only want you to be certain you’ve thought this through."

  "I have," she insisted. "And, strangely enough, Jamie’s father has helped me focus my feelings. He’s helped me to see that it’s not merely revenge that I’m seeking. At this point, I also need restitution."

  "Jamie’s father, huh? That seems like a curious alliance, Ryan."

  "Yeah, I guess it is. But he was quite helpful, Amanda. He has a certain uhm … expertise in this area."

  "Do you want people to say the same thing about you, Ryan? Would you like it if your family or friends thought you were the person to see to get advice on how to pay someone back for doing them harm?"

  Ryan thought about the question for a moment, finally saying, "You know, a few months ago I would have said no. But now, I think I’d be fine with people acknowledging that I won’t lie down and let someone screw me over."

  "I’m not making any judgment about your seeking revenge," the therapist said. "I’m only trying to make sure that you can deal with the feelings you’ll have. You have an awfully gentle soul, Ryan, and I don’t want this experience to scar you."

  "Thanks," Ryan said softly. "I do have a pretty gentle soul, but I have a tendency to be too forgiving sometimes. In this case, I think it would be good for me to get a little retribution, as well as a little revenge. I think it’s my due, Amanda."

  "I can’t argue with you, Ryan, and I can see how much thought you’ve given to this. I hope you get some satisfaction."

  "I do, too," she said. "But even if I don’t get any satisfaction from the revenge, the restitution angle will make me feel better. Of that, I’m certain."

  "Okay," Amanda agreed. "Other than that, how are you feeling?"