Monogamy

by Susan X Meagher

  "You’ll tell Ryan," Juliet sobbed. "You told her that I tried to kiss you."

  "No, I won’t," Jamie said. "I only told Ryan about what happened at your house because that affected both of us. We both try to be honest about things that happen to us – because keeping secrets can harm our relationship. But, this is about you, Juliet, and it’s none of Ryan’s business." Continuing to stroke Juliet’s back, she said, "I promise that I won’t reveal anything you tell me – to anyone."

  "I can’t …" Juliet sobbed. "I can’t …"

  "That’s okay," Jamie said. "You don’t have to talk to me. I want you to know that I’m willing…"

  "No, no!" Juliet got up and walked to the window, staring out at the parking lot. "I can’t ever have what you have, Jamie. I can’t ever have that."

  "What?" the blonde asked, perplexed.

  Juliet turned and faced her, tears streaming down her flushed cheeks. "I can’t ever have a lover who I can be proud of. I won’t be able to have children … I will always have to hide … always!"

  Looking at her with compassion, Jamie asked, "Are you a lesbian, Juliet?"

  The tall woman nodded, her eyes closing in pain.

  "Why does that mean that you can’t ever be open?" Jamie asked. "You make it sound like you’re going into the military."

  "It’s almost the same," Juliet said. "You can’t survive on the LPGA tour without sponsors, and sponsors run for the hills if there’s even a hint of lesbianism. The Tour is trying to focus on the pretty, straight girls to increase viewership and attendance, and they think they have to appeal to straight men to do that."

  "So, you plan on what – dating guys, getting married?"

  "I will if I have to," Juliet said, her normal determination back in place. "I’ve worked too hard to give up my dream."

  "But, you have other dreams, Juliet. I can see that."

  "Yeah, of course I do, but those dreams are going to have to wait. My life is golf, Jamie, and I can’t let myself get sidetracked. Being around you and Ryan and Mia made me start wishing for things I can’t have. For a short time, I let myself have the fantasy that I could live like you guys do – but I can’t. Not now."

  "Juliet, it doesn’t have to be like this," Jamie insisted. "You could live a quiet, private life as a lesbian. I’m sure dozens of players do so."

  "Yes, you can," Juliet admitted. "But, I don’t want to merely get by. I want to have endorsements, and opportunities to do other things in golf when my productive years are over. The only women who get endorsements now are the straight ones. That’s not my imagination, Jamie. It’s the truth."

  "Only you know what’s most important to you, Juliet. That’s not the path I’d choose, but I’m not in your shoes. I uhm … guess this means that you can’t afford to be friends with me."

  Giving her a wistful look, Juliet said, "I wish I could, but it’s too hard for me. I do better when I stick to golf and school. I can’t stand the temptation."

  "I understand," Jamie said. She got up and walked to the door. "If you ever need to talk, I hope you know you can count on me."

  "I do," Juliet said, nodding. "I want to normalize things on the course, Jamie, but I can’t see you socially. Is that okay?"

  "Sure. I’d like to keep playing golf with you, Juliet. I’ve learned a lot from you during the times we’ve played, and I’d like to keep that going."

  "I would, too." Giving Jamie a smile, Juliet said, "Thanks for everything. I’ve … uhm … never come out to anyone before. It feels … weird." Her head cocked and she added, "Good, but weird."

  "I know, Juliet. Believe me, I know."

  When Jamie’s cell phone finally rang late that night, she grasped for the little device and croaked, "Hi."

  "Oh … were you asleep?"

  "Yeah." She got up and went into the bathroom, so she didn’t disturb her roommate. "That’s okay. I wanted to wait up for your call, but I crashed. Did you just get home?"

  "Yeah. Bad weather. We sat on the runway for three hours while an electrical storm was stalled over New Mexico. 8 beautiful hours to get to San Francisco."

  "Poor baby. You get to sleep now. You’ve got an early class."

  "I will. Did you have a good day? I feel out of the loop after not talking to you."

  "Yeah, I had a good day. Mom and I took Caitlin to church at Poppa’s. It was pretty funny, Ryan. Cait got to go to communion, and she decided that she rather likes red wine. Her face scrunched up a little, but then she started looking for more."

  "That’s my girl," Ryan said. "Never met a meal she didn’t like."

  "I’ll let you go now, so you can get to sleep."

  "Okay," Ryan sighed. "Love you."

  "I love you, too, Ryan. See you soon."

  After she hung up, Jamie stumbled back into bed, mentally slapping herself when she realized she hadn’t even asked whether Cal had won. Get your priorities straight, girl! You’re married to a jock!

  Ryan was standing in the kitchen, getting a cold drink before she went to bed, when Mia got in. When she heard the noise, Ryan poked her head out, and was startled to see her roommate looking pale, tired and red-eyed. "Welcome home," Ryan said, padding across the floor in her bare feet to offer a hug.

  Mia let out a sigh, unable to even summon the strength to respond with a smile. She wrapped her arms around Ryan, letting her cheek rest against the strongly beating heart she could feel beneath the ribbed undershirt. "She came out to her parents," she finally got out in a near monotone.

  Ryan moved back and grasped Mia by the shoulders, holding her at arm’s length to get a good look at her. "How badly did it go?" she asked in alarm.

  Realizing why Ryan looked so alarmed, Mia hastened to reassure her. "It didn’t go badly – I guess. I … I don’t know, Ryan. I feel so sad for her, that I’m sick to my stomach."

  "Let me make you a warm drink," Ryan offered. "You go upstairs and put your jammies on."

  "But what about Jamie? Isn’t she waiting for you?"

  "She’s over in Vallejo, remember?"

  "Oh, right. Now, where were you again?"

  "Las Cruces, New Mexico. Luckily, we’re almost through with our nationwide tour. PAC-10 play can’t start soon enough for me. Now you go get ready for bed, and I’ll bring you some Sleepytime tea."

  Five minutes later, the taller woman arrived with a warm mug and a warmer smile. Mia was still on the phone, but she got off quickly, relaying Ryan’s blown kiss to her lover. "She said she loves you, too," Mia said, trying to, but not matching Ryan’s smile.

  "Here ya go," Ryan said, handing her the mug. "Come sit on the bed, and I’ll rub your shoulders. Your back must be stiff from all of that driving."

  "Yeah," she said. "That and spending all of yesterday in a limo. I guess that’s as comfortable a car as you can have, but it still sucks as a bed."

  "Wanna elaborate on that?" Ryan asked as she started to massage Mia’s tense shoulders.

  "Oh, it’s nothing very interesting. The photo shoot was on the beach, and it was cold. So, while my sweetie had to pose on the beach all day in a tiny pair of shorts, I slept in the back seat of a limo. I got the better end of the deal."

  "Tough weekend, huh?"

  "In a way. But being with her is worth anything, Ryan. She’s so … I don’t know," she said, shaking her head. "I’ve never felt like this about anyone. She means so much to me." She glanced over her shoulder and mused, "It’s odd. You’re the one who lost her mom, but Jordan seems like the motherless child. Do you know what I mean?"

  Ryan nodded slowly. "Yeah, I do. She’s very fragile – she seems so lost sometimes."

  "You should have met the mother," Mia said, all traces of warmth gone from her voice. "She seemed okay at first, and if I didn’t know how Jordan felt, it would have been a decent visit. But I do know, and by the end of it, I felt like her mom had carved a hole in my soul and was slowly sucking it out." Her whole body shivered and she said, "She made me feel so inconsequential – so unnecessary, R
yan. I got a taste of how Jordan feels – and it sucks."

  "Was she mean or bitchy?" Ryan asked.

  "No, no, just the opposite. She was very cordial … but they acted like people who barely knew one another. They were polite – and that’s it! We were together for about an hour and a half, and she didn’t ask Jordan one question about herself. She didn’t ask how things were going in Colorado; she didn’t ask if she was getting any playing time – nothing! Her only concern was about herself – and how things were going to be for her when she got to Sydney."

  "Brutal," Ryan murmured.

  "It was brutal," Mia said. "Her mom didn’t give a good goddamn about us being lovers. I mean, it’s not like she approved or anything – she didn’t care enough to disapprove!"

  "That’s the first time I’ve heard that reaction," Ryan shuddered, "and I thought I’d heard them all."

  "Something else happened, but I don’t know what," Mia said. "She and her mom were together for about 20 minutes, and when she got back to the room she looked like she’d been beaten."

  "And you don’t know what happened?"

  "Not a clue. She clammed up and didn’t say a word about it – but she cried for nearly two hours after she talked to her father – so I’m guessing that the whole day finally caught up with her."

  "Damn," Ryan said, shaking her head. "How was her dad?"

  "Better. He seems to at least care for her – not enough to cross the street to see her, mind you, but he does seem to care in the abstract."

  "She didn’t get to tell him in person?" Ryan gasped.

  "Of course not! His masseuse was coming."

  "Fuck," Ryan muttered. "Some people shouldn’t be allowed to have an aquarium – much less a child."

  "They’re the poster parents for vasectomy and tubal ligation," Mia said. "I hope to God that Jordan doesn’t take after them if we decide to have kids."

  Ryan’s hands stilled and she leaned over Mia’s shoulder to stare at her upside down. "Kids? You’re thinking of having kids together?"

  Mia batted at her weakly, and Ryan went back to her previous position. "Yes, Ryan. I’m thinking of spending the rest of my life with her. That is what you do with people you love more than anything on earth, isn’t it?"

  Ryan sank down to sit behind Mia, and she enveloped her in a warm hug. "Yes. That’s exactly what you do," she whispered. "I’m so glad she has you, Mia."

  "I’m glad I have her," Mia sighed. "I only wish her parents loved her half as much as I do."

  On Monday morning, Jamie woke slowly, the annoying buzz of an alarm barely penetrating her foggy brain. "Jamie … Jamie …" A soft voice insistently called her name, but she didn’t recognize the tone, and decided that she must be dreaming. "Jamie!" Now a hand grasped her shoulder and gave her a shake.

  "Huh?"

  "Time to get up. We’re leaving in a half hour."

  Forcing her eyes open, she regarded a very young looking, Japanese-American woman who was gazing at her with concern. "Oh!" She sat up rather abruptly and ran a hand through her hair. "Wow, I was really out."

  "You’re very hard to wake up," Lauren Takuta said. "It’s a good thing we don’t have single rooms. I’m afraid you’d sleep all day."

  "No," Jamie replied, stretching thoroughly. "I eventually hear the alarm. How much time do we have?"

  The young woman looked at the clock again. "Twenty five minutes. You’d better hurry." She was giving Jamie such a concerned look, that the blonde didn’t have the heart to delay another moment. Slipping out of bed, she got up and gathered her shower things, noting that Lauren was completely dressed.

  "I assume you’re finished in the bathroom?" Jamie asked over her shoulder.

  "Yes. I’ve been ready for a long while now."

  Finally opening her eyes wide enough to see the look of stark anxiety on the woman’s face, Jamie smiled and said, "We’re gonna be fine today, Lauren. It’s only another round."

  "Not for me," she said. "My parents will be here."

  "Do they put a lot of pressure on you?" Jamie asked gently.

  "No, but it’s very important that I do well," Lauren insisted. "I have to keep my scholarship."

  Jamie crossed over to the girl and put her hand on her shoulder, feeling the slight tremor that shook her body. "Lauren, you won’t lose your scholarship. Scott would never do that – even if you played horribly all season – which you won’t!"

  Lauren nodded, but she didn’t look at all convinced. Glancing at the clock again she said, "You have to hurry. We’ll be late."

  "Go on down to the restaurant," Jamie insisted. "I’ll be on time, I guarantee it."

  "Okay," Lauren said hesitantly.

  Jamie stood in the shower, trying to wake up. She considered the dynamics of the young team, deciding that they had the nucleus of a very good squad. The only problem was going to be convincing the less experienced women to believe that they were as good as they actually were.

  When Jamie emerged from the shower, she shook her head when she saw that Lauren had neatly laid her uniform out on the bed. Who’s mentoring whom?

  After Jamie made sure that Lauren ate some of the food that sat on her plate, the team hopped in the shuttle bus for the short ride to the course. They had an eight a.m. shotgun start – so every player teed off at the same time, albeit from different holes. This type of start was used often in tournaments, allowing every hole to be in use throughout the round. Jamie was scheduled to start on eighteen, and after warming up thoroughly, she headed on over to the tee.

  A long-legged, raven-haired, beauty stood right next to the tee-box, dark sunglasses covering eyes that Jamie was quite sure were the color of the Aegean. The tall woman held two cups in her hands, and was sipping on the larger one when Jamie sidled up to her. "Come here often, good lookin’?"

  "Every time I hear that there’s going to be a fantastic looking blonde playing golf here," she said. "I brought you a latte."

  Jamie took the cup and stood on her tiptoes for a quick kiss, which Ryan gladly delivered. Taking a big sip of the still warm liquid, she smiled broadly. "What a nice way to start the day." Giving her partner an impish look, Jamie said, "I can’t tell you how hard it is not to wrap my lips and my arms and my legs around you, and kiss you until your knees turn to jelly."

  "Same here, hot stuff, but I don’t think that’s how you want to start your spring season. You golf-types are supposed to be stoic, ya know. Besides, your opponent looks nervous enough to faint, even without us groping each other."

  "Ooh, I hope she’s as nervous as she looks," Jamie said. "I’ll take every edge I can get." She took another big sip and hummed with pleasure. "This is so good, babe. It’ll start me off right."

  "I know you don’t like plain coffee, and I figured that you hadn’t yet wound your coach around your little finger, and that he probably wouldn’t run to Starbucks for you. Only doing what I can to aid in the cause."

  Jamie wrinkled her nose and said, "I appreciate the coffee, but what I’m really pleased with is that you’re here. Don’t you have somewhere you should be, though?"

  "I’m not going to grad school next year," Ryan said. "So what if I flunk a class or two?"

  Jamie knew the odds of that happening were exactly zero, but she played along. "You can always go to summer school," she offered. "Those classes are filled with you jock types."

  "No way," Ryan said. "I’m gonna be way too busy this summer to waste my time in school. I’m spending the summer with an absolutely gorgeous woman. We’re gonna lie in bed and peel grapes for each other all day long."

  "Sounds divine," Jamie said. "She’s a lucky woman."

  "I hope she’s lucky today," Ryan said. "I wanna see some red numbers on that scoreboard, since I’m mortgaging my future to be here."

  "Do my best," Jamie promised. "Help me put my ring on this necklace, okay?" she asked tugging at the thick gold chain she wore.

  "How …?"

  "Just unclasp the necklace and slip the ri
ng through it," Jamie instructed. "I’d do it myself, but I don’t want to run the risk of not clasping it properly."

  "Do you always do this?" Ryan asked.

  "Yeah. I tried to do what you do and tie it in my shoelace, but I don’t want to drag it through the sand. I think this works better for me."

  "That’s a pretty substantial ring to wear on a chain," Ryan said.

  "I know," she said. "But, I’ll gladly look like Snoop Dogg to protect it. Now, kiss me goodbye and keep sending good vibes, babe, ‘cause I’m not going to look at you again until I finish up on 17."

  "I look forward to being ignored," Ryan said. She gave her partner a chaste kiss and then accepted her empty cup. "Go get ‘em, bulldog."

  "Grrrrrr."

  Catherine didn’t show up until the twosome was on the fourth hole, and she was panting heavily when she came up alongside Ryan. "I got so confused!" she said, moaning dramatically. "I had no idea that Jamie wouldn’t start on the first hole. I’ve walked this entire course!"

  "Aw … you poor thing," Ryan sympathized. "Want me to carry you for a while?"

  Catherine gently slapped at her and said, "I can handle it, wise guy. I’ve been walking so much getting ready for the Three-Day that my neighbor’s dogs don’t even bark when I walk by any longer. I can easily walk this course twice."

  "Not a doubt in my mind," Ryan said. "Jamie’s doing well," she indicated, pointing at the tote board that an affable-looking senior citizen carried.

  "Red numbers are good, right?" Catherine asked.

  "Right. Jamie’s one under par, so she has a red negative one by her name."

  Catherine reached into her purse and took a photo of the board, showing EVANS —1. "This is so much fun, Ryan," she said, giggling girlishly. "She looks cute, doesn’t she?"