Monogamy

by Susan X Meagher

  Ryan nuzzled against her and said, "He’s hitting your hot buttons with this, honey. I know it’s hard, but I think you’ll feel better if you try not to hurt him as much as he’s hurt you."

  "Yeah, yeah," she said in a mechanical voice. "Do unto others, and all that crap. I’m sick of thinking about it. Let’s talk about us."

  They spent nearly an hour filling each other in on their weekends, then Jamie gave her partner an in-depth assessment of the golf team’s victory in Vallejo. "Wish I could have been there today," Ryan sighed. "It’s so reassuring to look up into the stands and see your face. I’ve enjoyed my sports so much more this year, Jamie. It’s been great, and I regret that I won’t be able to go to any of your away matches."

  "You can make some of the local ones," the smaller woman reassured her. "Golf is a different type of sport, anyway. I don’t play off the crowd the way you do."

  "Mmm … I guess that’s true. I still hate it, though."

  "You’ll get your chance. I want to keep playing in amateur events once I graduate. I think the competition has been good for me. Maybe someday you can be in the gallery when I’m competing in the U.S. Amateur."

  Ryan turned around as much as she could to gaze into her partner’s eyes. "The hell you say! I’ll be your caddie!"

  Giving her a firm hug, Jamie pressed her cheek against her partner’s warm, wet, back. "You’d be the cutest caddie on legs," she murmured.

  "That’s nice to think of," Ryan sighed. "I love to dream about our future."

  "I do, too. And tonight, I want our immediate future to include lots of remarkably scandalous dancing. I want to be around gay people tonight. I want to act like the lesbian that I am, and not be belittled because of it. I want to be with my own kind!"

  They dressed in their separate rooms, and when the larger woman came out she smiled at her partner. "I haven’t seen that outfit since the Dyke March. You look adorable."

  Jamie pirouetted, bowing at the compliment. She wore a green ribbed tank top, green Army fatigues, and shin-height Doc Marten’s, with her pants tucked into the boots. She returned to the mirror and fussed with her hair, commenting, "I want my hair to stick up, but it’s a little too long."

  "I like it this length," Ryan said, "but it would look cute shorter, too. Get it cut if you wish."

  Jamie smiled and said, "I only want it to stick up tonight. I’m sure I’ll want it longer by tomorrow, so I’d better leave it alone."

  "That would be the wiser course," Ryan said.

  "Besides, I’ve been thinking about growing it out again. Would you like it long?"

  With images of long, golden blonde hair trailing down Jamie’s bare back, Ryan found her head nodding mechanically. "Nice," she muttered.

  "You sound like Homer Simpson," Jamie said, chuckling heartily. "I enjoy your long hair so much, that I thought you should see which way you like it better. I’ll grow it out and then let you choose how I wear it. Deal?"

  "Long. I like it long," Ryan said, grinning like she’d been struck with a heavy object.

  When they returned from the bar, Ryan sorted through the mail that Jamie had brought upstairs earlier in the evening. She opened a small, square envelope, pursed her lips as she read the card, then threw the card and envelope away.

  "What was that?" Jamie asked.

  "What?"

  "What did you throw away? It looked like an invitation."

  "Oh. It was. just some of my old buds from the gym. They have a big party every year to celebrate a couple of birthdays. Two of the women share a birthday and they always have a big blowout – a real wild one."

  "Uhm … any particular reason that you threw it out without even mentioning it?"

  "Oh! I assumed you wouldn’t be interested. Are you?"

  "Well, gee, Ryan, when we met, you had dozens of friends. I remember you always talking about hanging out with your buddies. But now you don’t see any of them. Is that because of me?"

  "Uh-huh," Ryan said, nodding.

  "But why? I certainly don’t want you to stop seeing your friends. Don’t you … think they’d like me?"

  "Aww … Jamie," Ryan said, tucking her arms around her partner and smiling when she heard her sigh heavily. "Of course they’d like you – I guess I assumed you wouldn’t like them."

  Giving her a semi-perturbed look, Jamie asked, "And why is that? Am I too straight-laced for your friends?"

  "Heck, no," Ryan said, trying to think of a reason that wouldn’t irritate her partner. "Well … uhm … you’re not straight-laced …"

  "You think I’m straight-laced!" Jamie cried.

  "No, no, I don’t," Ryan said. "I think they’re a little wilder than you are. Big, big difference."

  Pouting, Jamie walked over to shut down her computer. "Is not," she grumbled.

  "Yes, it is," Ryan said, coming up behind her and turning her around. "They’re more … I don’t know," she said, "they’re just kinda wild."

  "I can keep up, Ryan," the blonde said, narrowing her eyes. "I think we should go, if you don’t have a softball game, that is."

  "No, the party’s Saturday night, and my game is at home in the afternoon. I could be up for a party."

  Smiling broadly, Jamie said, "Cool. Call them and accept."

  Chuckling, Ryan said, "No need, babe. They won’t have any food, and they’ll buy a couple of kegs of beer and make everyone pay $5 to get in. The more the merrier."

  Jamie’s eyebrows rose again. "No food? Like, none at all?"

  "Hmm … if anyone remembers they might have a cake, but it’ll be from a grocery store. One year they were all jazzed ‘cause they got one half price since it was made up for someone’s anniversary."

  "Well," Jamie said, her eyes widening. "This sounds like it will be interesting. Maybe we should drag Mia along with us. She always does well at parties."

  "Sure, that’d be fine. But, she’ll attract a lot of attention in this crowd. The drunker they get, the cooler they think they are."

  "She seems so down, honey, I think we should do whatever we can to cheer her up. Having a bunch of women flirt with her is a sure-fire picker-upper."

  Once she was dressed in her warmest pajamas, Jamie said, "I think I heard Mia come in a few minutes ago. I’m gonna go see how she’s doing."

  "Okay. I’ve got some work to do for class tomorrow. I’ll be in my room."

  "I hope you don’t plan on working late, sweet cheeks. I’m gonna have my way with you tonight – and I don’t want to get started at midnight."

  Giving her a very sexy grin, Ryan said, "I’ll gladly fit you into my schedule. I missed you something fierce."

  "I’ll be back in a few. Work fast."

  Walking down the hall, Jamie cocked her head as she tried to discern what the odd sound coming from Mia’s room was. Poking her head in, she saw her roommate lying on her stomach, head buried in her pillow. Her body was shaking roughly, and she was obviously crying, but the sound was muffled and distorted by the pillow.

  Approaching the bed, Jamie sat down gingerly, so as not to frighten her friend. "Mia, baby, what’s wrong?" She ran her hand up and down her back, feeling the heat that radiated off her body.

  Rolling over, Mia looked up at her with swollen eyes and said, "I’m scared shitless, but I’m gonna tell my parents about Jordan."

  "That’s why you’re crying?" Jamie asked, confused.

  "No," Mia sniffed. "I’m crying because I just talked to Jordan. I’m so worried about her, James. Did Ryan tell you that she came out to her parents?"

  "Yeah, she did. It didn’t sound like it went very well."

  "I have a feeling that not many things go well with those two. Her mom was the most self-involved person I’ve ever met, and even talking to her seems to wear Jordan down. I don’t know what the deal is with her father," she sighed. "Jordy idolizes him, but he gives her that Hollywood bullshit that everyone seems to thrive on in L.A. Do you know what I mean?"

  "No, not really. What does Hollywood have to do w
ith it?"

  "I saw this constantly when I was working in the film industry last summer. Everybody acts like they like you, and that they’d give anything to spend some quality time with you, but something desperately urgent keeps them from doing so. They have no interest at all in this other thing – but they absolutely can’t get out of it."

  "And Jordan’s dad uses that excuse with her?"

  "James, as far as I know, she’s asked to see him twice this year. The first time was when we were in L.A. for the volleyball games, and this was the second. Both times he blew her off without a minute’s hesitation. She asked to see him to tell him about me, but he wouldn’t cancel a massage! She hasn’t seen him since summer – and she was 30 minutes from his house, and he couldn’t squeeze her in."

  "Brutal," Jamie murmured.

  "She seemed to take the whole weekend in stride, but since then, she’s been more and more depressed. It hurts her so much, James, but it’s like she can’t express how she feels about it. Talking about her father in anything less than a positive light is strictly forbidden!"

  "Damn, that must be hard for her," Jamie said, shaking her head. "But what does this have to do with telling your parents?"

  "I want to show her how proud I am to love her," Mia said, her eyes filling with tears once again. "Her own parents don’t give a crap about her, but I love her, James. I love her with all my heart."

  "Oh, Mia," the blonde said, hugging her tight. "I know you love her, but are you ready to do this? I hate to see you rush into it only to make Jordan feel better."

  The curly-haired woman sat up and shrugged. "When will I ever be ready? My parents will go ballistic for a while, then things will calm down. What’s more important to me is that Jordan knows how much I love her, and that I’ll always be proud of our love."

  "I’m proud of you," Jamie said, giving her another hug. "I know you’re worried about this, and I’ll support you in any way that I can."

  "I know you will," Mia said, smiling wanly. "But I don’t think there’s much you can do other than pray that my mother doesn’t strangle me with her bare hands."

  Two long-legged women sat at opposite ends of a smallish couch, their legs entangled. "Do you want me to stay over, sweetie?" Sara stretched a little, looking at her watch. "I have to get up by 5:30 to get to work on time if I stay, so if I do, we’d better get to bed."

  "Yeah, I want you to stay." Ally disengaged from their loose embrace and pulled Sara to her chest.

  They kissed gently for a few minutes, then Sara started to put a little more enthusiasm into her kisses. "Mmm … I’ve never been with anyone who can turn me on so quickly. I’m tingling all over."

  "Let’s go to bed," Ally said. "I missed you last night. I really love sleeping with you."

  "I do, too, Ally. I sleep so much better when we’re together."

  Ally pulled back and stroked Sara’s face, her own expression gentling. "I know, but it doesn’t make sense to get together when I work until 8."

  "Oh, I’m not complaining. I don’t want to monopolize all of your time. Being apart a little makes it more special when we are together. To be honest, I like missing you a little bit."

  Ally stood and pulled Sara up with her. "You go get ready for bed. I’ll put the dishes away. Be with you in a few."

  Giving her a friendly pat on the butt, Sara went into the bedroom to put on one of the T-shirts she’d laid claim to. Even though they’d been sleeping together at least 3 nights a week, they hadn’t progressed much in their intimacies. Sara didn’t have a problem in the world with that, but she could tell that Ally was bothered by it.

  When the taller woman walked into the bedroom, she flopped down on the bed, fully clothed, and linked her hands behind her head. "I uhm … I’ve been talking to my shrink about … you know …" she began awkwardly.

  "Uh-huh?"

  "We’ve been talking about the small steps we can take to make me more comfortable, but … damn, Sara … it sounds like this could take months and months. And she still says that the odds of me ever truly changing are pretty slim. She says I’m probably hard-wired this way." She draped an arm over her eyes and lay perfectly still for a few moments. "I don’t know if we’ll ever get to where we want to go."

  "Don’t sound so sad, sweetie," Sara urged, lying next to her. "I’m very happy with what we have. I’ve got the best-looking, smartest, strongest girlfriend in the whole Bay area, and she makes me hot, hot, hot. What’s wrong with that?"

  "Oh, Sara, it seems hopeless to me. Yes, I enjoy what we do, but when I’m touching myself I have to fantasize about holding you down and controlling you – and that’s exactly what I don’t want to do!"

  "I fantasize about that, too," Sara said quietly, turning to look into her partner’s eyes. "I never would have guessed that it would work for me, but it does. I love it when I feel you overpower me. It turns me on more than I could have imagined."

  "Arghh!" Ally got up and started to strip. "This is making me crazy. Can we please go to sleep?"

  "Sure. Come to bed." Sara held the covers up, and Ally slid in next to her. "Don’t forget all of the progress we’ve made. Please don’t, Ally. Things are good – they’re very good between us. Look at what we have, rather than what we’re still working toward."

  "I’ll try," the larger woman sighed, but her words were not encouraging. She sounded resigned and depressed, and it saddened Sara to see how much her lover was struggling.

  "We’ll get there, baby. You promised that you trusted me, remember?"

  "Yeah. I just never promised that I trusted me." Ally turned her back, letting Sara cuddle up to her, a feeling of unease settling over the darkened room.

  They lay there in silence for a few minutes, with Sara trying to decide whether she should try to draw her lover out. The issue was obviously weighing on Ally’s mind as well, since she kept sighing heavily, occasionally giving her pillow a rough punch.

  "Sweetheart," Sara whispered, "don’t shut me out." She tugged on Ally’s hip, trying to turn the larger woman over. The sandy haired woman was obviously not in the mood to be coerced, because Sara was unable to move her an inch. "Come on, baby. Talk to me."

  "There’s nothing to talk about," Ally grumbled.

  "Sure there is." Since she couldn’t move her, Sara got out of bed and went over to crouch down next to her lover. "Tell me some of the small steps your therapist suggested."

  "I don’t wanna." Now Ally turned over on her other side, once again facing away from Sara.

  Not to be deterred, the brunette walked around the bed once again, and slipped in between the covers. "Look, I know how hard this is for you, but you seem to be fixated on hitting a home run. That’s not how it has to be." She moved closer, until she had her arm tucked tight around Ally’s waist, stopping her from turning away again.

  "Go on," the larger woman said. "I know there’s more."

  "I think we’ve been doing fine," Sara assured her. "I feel satisfied and cared for and I’m very, very happy. But, I can tell that you’re very frustrated. Now, tell me exactly what’s bothering you."

  Letting out a deep breath, Ally looked into her partner’s eyes and said, "It’s my lack of progress. We haven’t done one more thing since the night we started touching ourselves. I don’t want to spend our entire relationship masturbating, Sara! I was doing that with girls when I was 15!"

  Giving her a kiss on the forehead, Sara asked, "What did you do when you were 16?"

  "Huh?"

  "It was a simple question, babe. After you touched yourself in front of another girl, what did you do next?"

  "Uhm … I’m not sure …"

  "Come on, now," Sara urged. "I know you have a very good memory. Think hard."

  Ally did, then smiled briefly, and said, "I remember the first time I touched another girl. I think I was probably 16, or thereabouts."

  "Tell me," Sara said, smiling encouragingly.

  "Okay." Ally took a breath and began, "I had a huge crush on a gi
rl from my neighborhood. She was a year older, and she had a car. Her name was … Sally, and she gave me a ride home most nights. There was definitely a vibe between us, but I could tell that she was afraid to make the first move. One night, we were at school pretty late, and on the way home, I suggested we stop and watch the sunset."

  "Nice," Sara said, grinning. "Good move."

  "I thought so," Ally agreed, finally smiling genuinely. "So, we went to this nice, secluded little lake and talked and joked around. She leaned over to get something out of the glove compartment, and when she sat up, she was right next to me. I figured that was my cue, so I started to touch her leg very gently – just running my nails up and down her jeans."

  "Mmm … sounds nice."

  "Yeah, it was. She started giving me more and more signs that she wanted me to go on, so I started to kiss her." She had a little half-smile on her face, and she said, "She was a heck of a kisser."

  "Did you go any further?"

  "Yeah, but we didn’t follow the usual script. I tried to touch her breasts, but she pulled away from me, and shook her head. I thought that I’d pushed her too far, but to my shock, she took my hand and put it right between her legs."

  "Bold woman," Sara said, chuckling.

  "Yeah, she was. I didn’t want to disappoint her, of course, so I got her jeans off and started to investigate. It was the first time I’d ever touched a woman that way, and I swear, my head nearly blew off! My heart was beating so hard, I thought I might have a stroke!"

  "Oh, I know the feeling," Sara said.

  "It was fantastic," Ally said. "All my years of dreaming of how it would be came true in that moment. She had me pinned to the passenger door, and she was lying in my arms while I touched her. We had the window open, and she rested her head on the open window, while I kissed her and touched her. Damn, it was great," Ally said, a fond smile on her face.

  "Did she touch you?"

  "Huh-uh. I couldn’t bear it at that point of my life, and she didn’t offer. But, I got so much pleasure out of touching Sally that I didn’t mind a bit."