Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  KNUCKLE WORDS

  The origin of the word knuckle goes back more than 2,000 years to Proto-Germanic, the precursor of all Germanic languages, and the word knoke, meaning “bone.” Somewhere along the line, the German word knöchel came to mean “little bone” and in the 1300s migrated to the English language as knokel, or knuckle, referring specifically to the finger joints.

  • To “knuckle down,” meaning to apply oneself earnestly, entered the dictionary in 1864 and is believed to have come from the game of marbles, where shooting required one’s knuckles to be on the ground.

  • To “knuckle under,” meaning to submit or admit defeat, first appeared in 1869 and most likely was derived from the image of a person bent or kneeling with their knuckles on the ground.

  • “Knuckleballs” showed up in baseball around 1910. They’re so-called because the ball is held in a bent-fingered, knuckle grip when thrown, making it fly with very little or no spin and therefore erratically.

  • The word “knucklehead,” meaning a not very bright person, was coined in 1942…by the Three Stooges. It’s also the nickname of a Harley-Davidson motorcycle style, known by its distinctive ribbed and knobby engine heads, which someone apparently thought looked like knuckles.

  The first recorded revolution took place around 2800 B.C. in Sumeria.

  KNUCKLE ENTERTAINMENT

  • Knucklehead Smiff was the name of the knuckleheaded dummy used by ventriloquist Paul Winchell in his 1950s and ’60s TV shows.

  • Knuckle is the name of both a 1975 TV movie starring Eileen Brennan and a 1989 BBC film starring Emma Thompson and Tim Roth.

  • A “white knuckle” experience, or a white knuckle thrill ride or film, is one that has you gripping the arms of your seat so tightly that the blood leaves your knuckles and they look white. The exact origin of the phrase is unknown.

  • The British expression “near the knuckle” refers to anything that is more than a little sexually suggestive or risqué. For example, “I thought his jokes were a bit near the knuckle, considering that the audience was mostly five-year-olds.”

  KNUCKLEANNEOUS

  • “Pork knuckles” aren’t knuckles. They’re the pig’s forefeet and ankles (along with the meat around them, of course). “Beef knuckles” actually come from the hind legs, above the kneecap.

  • Are the joints of your toes called “toe knuckles”? They are by some people, and since they don’t have a nickname like the finger joints do, we here at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute say, “Why not? ‘Toe knuckles’ it is.”

  The oldest existing manuscript of the Bible is the Codex Vaticanus, from the 4th century.

  IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

  If you know anybody who believes in these wacky theories, please send them our way. We have an invisible bridge we’d like to sell them.

  George W. Bush was the inspiration for Curious George! Conspiracy Theory: George W. Bush was a curious child who was constantly getting into trouble. Margret and H. A. Rey, friends of Bush’s parents, wrote a series of books about a mischievous monkey who they named Curious George after young Bush. The books were immensely popular, but Bush didn’t learn that he was the inspiration for the character until 2006, when he was already president of the United States (his father told him). Facing low approval ratings and a public perception of being dim-witted, Bush was embarrassed and outraged. To prevent the information from leaking out, he ordered the Reys killed. When he found out they’d both been dead for years, Bush ordered the murder of Alan Shalleck, owner of the movie rights to Curious George and producer of the 2006 Curious George film.

  The Truth: It’s impossible for Bush to have been the inspiration for Curious George. The Reys never met the Bush family, and they wrote their first book in 1939, seven years before Bush was born. Alan Shalleck was a real person: He wrote several episodes of a Curious George TV series in the 1980s, but he wasn’t a producer on the Curious George movie. And he was murdered, but not by Bush. He was found dead in his Florida home in February 2006, the victim of a botched robbery.

  The Smurfs cartoon show was a Communist-propaganda project! Conspiracy Theory: The Smurfs, a race of tiny blue people who lived in mushroom-shaped houses, were invented by Belgian cartoonist Peyo in 1958. They were popular throughout Europe for decades in comic strips and movies and came to the United States in the 1980s as a Saturday morning cartoon show. But American academics started to notice numerous “questionable” elements in the show: The Smurfs lived in a commune and did everything they were told by their leader, Papa Smurf—who wore a red hat (a color associated with Communism) and had a long white beard (making him look like Karl Marx). And their enemy was Gargamel, an “evil capitalist” who wanted to trap the magical Smurfs so he could sell them and get rich. In fact, the word “Smurf” is an acronym for “Soviet Men Under Red Father.”

  Wonder Woman was the pupil of a Chinese martial-arts master named I Ching.

  The Truth: The theory may have started with the movie Slacker (1991), in which one character says that The Smurfs is pro-Hindu, preparing children for the coming of the blue-skinned god Krishna by getting them used to seeing blue people. It was only a joke, but the rumor spread. The word “Smurf” is a nonsense word—it couldn’t be an anagram for “Soviet Men Under Red Father” because it comes from the original French-language name for the comic: Les Schtroumpfs. Peyo didn’t put any socialist propaganda in the cartoon series because he wasn’t involved in its production. He didn’t even create Gargamel, the “evil capitalist” villain—that was written by the show’s writers specifically for the American cartoon. Oddly, The Smurfs actually contained an element of anti-totalitarianism: most of the Smurfs wore white hats, called Phrygian caps, a symbol of liberty worn by anti-monarchists during the French Revolution.

  As a POW during the Vietnam War, Sen. John McCain was brainwashed by the Viet Cong. They can “flip the switch” in his brain and turn him into a spy, or worse…anytime they want! Conspiracy Theory: McCain, a naval pilot, was shot down over Saigon in 1967 and was held captive in a military prison for six years, subject to physical and psychological torture. The Vietnamese hypnotized him, brainwashed him, and implanted a chip in his brain. McCain was released in 1973, but the Vietnamese used the chip to make him run for the U.S. Senate and eventually president. As president, McCain would be the helpless puppet of the Communist government of Vietnam.

  The Truth: Sound familiar? It’s the plot of the book (and movie) The Manchurian Candidate—conspiracy theorists just modernized it by adding “the chip,” which they borrowed from UFO conspiracy theories. The theory probably stems from McCain’s controversial efforts to normalize diplomatic relations with Vietnam in the 1980s. This enraged veterans and prisoner of war groups, who felt that Vietnam was still the enemy. From there the rumors took off, first turning McCain into a collaborator and then into someone with a chip in his head.

  There is zero gravity at the center of the Earth.

  WOW! THAT’S DUMB!

  Breathtaking stupidity can be very funny…but only when it’s happening to someone else, of course. (While you’re chuckling at these folks, remember that it could have been you.)

  MEAT THE PARENTS

  A shoplifter in Kerkrade, Holland, grabbed a package of meat off a supermarket shelf and ran out the door. Employees immediately called the police, and when they arrived, showed them the evidence the robber had left behind: his 12-year-old son. The boy led police to his father.

  AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT TO THE BANK

  In December 2007, Jeremy Clarkson, host of the popular British TV show Top Gear, published a column in the Sun newspaper, scoffing at news that the government had lost two computer discs containing the personal information of about 25 million people. It was a fuss about nothing, he said, and to prove it he gave all the details of his personal Barclays bank account. “All you’ll be able to do with them is put money into my account, not take it out,” he wrote. Shortly thereafter someone withdrew $1,000 from his account.
“I was wrong,” Clarkson said, “and I have been punished for my mistake.” (The money had been sent to a charity.)

  PET PEEVE

  In Bridgeport, Connecticut, police were called to a domestic disturbance in June 2008 and found Victor Rodriguez arguing with his girlfriend while holding a 9-foot-long python. Rodriguez ordered the snake to attack the police. It didn’t. He was arrested.

  ASK A SILLY QUESTION

  A February 2008 poll found that 23 percent of Brits think that Winston Churchill—probably the most famous British Prime Minister in history—was a fictional character. And 58 percent believe that Sherlock Holmes was a real person.

  March 14th is National Potato Chip Day.

  OH, JUST SKIP IT

  In June 2007, a 70-year-old woman in Nanjing, China, started skipping rope at midnight every night to annoy the person who lived below her. She was mad because they had broken a plumbing pipe, leaving her without a toilet. But after a week of the annoying rope-skipping, she had to stop: All that exercise had caused her blood pressure to shoot up to dangerously high levels, and she had to be taken to the hospital.

  A WAKE-UP CALL

  Franz Zimmerman, 67, of Lathen, Germany, got drunk and fell asleep…between some train tracks. A train rolled over him, with the brakes on (the engineer had seen him), the wheels screaming, and sparks flying. But Zimmerman was so drunk that he didn’t even wake up. “He was sleeping like a baby,” the engineer said. “He didn’t notice there was a train on top of him.” Zimmerman was arrested—after being woken up—for endangering public safety.

  SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS

  Police in Largo, Florida, were called to investigate a disturbance outside a bar in July 2007. They found Dana Farrell Shelton, 38, who appeared to be drunk but wasn’t causing any apparent disturbance. They asked him to move along and left the scene. Shelton immediately called 911 to report that he was “surrounded by cops” and needed help. The cops went back to the bar and arrested him.

  GO KART

  A 24-year-old Russian man stole a car from a repair shop in Moscow in June 2008. Witnesses watched him zoom away, go straight through a red light, and smash into a parked car. It turned out that the car was in the shop because it had no brakes.

  BEHIND IN HIS WORK

  Daniel Everett, 38, walked into a crowded St. Louis County Courthouse in Missouri in 2001, found a public photocopying machine, dropped his drawers, hopped onto the machine, and proceeded to make photocopies of his butt. As police officers approached Everett, who was already holding two copies, he asked them, “What’d I do?”

  A snail has two pairs of antennae: one pair for seeing and one for smelling.

  CELEBRITY EATS

  Country singer and TV star Jimmy Dean is probably best known today for the sausage company he started in 1969—one of the first celebrities to develop and brand his own food product. Here are some more examples.

  • James Brown Cookeez. In 1994 the Godfather of Soul lent his name and image to a line of mini-cookies. Flavors included Banana Peanut Butter Creameez and Chocolate Chip Feel Goodeez, and one percent of the proceeds from each bag sold benefited anti-domestic violence charities, a crime for which Brown had been arrested five times.

  • Rap Snacks. Labeling its product “the Official Snack of Hip-Hop,” the company is owned by teenage rapper Lil’ Romeo. Rap Snacks are potato chips, corn chips, and cheese puffs in 17 different flavors, “each with a different rapper on the wrapper.”

  • San Diego Chicken Gum. The guy in a giant chicken suit became famous for goofing around at San Diego Padres games in the 1970s. That led to a line of Chicken chewing gum. The pieces were shaped like chicken…but they were bubblegum flavored.

  • Jeff Foxworthy Jerky. It’s standard beef jerky, endorsed by the “you might be a redneck if…” comedian and sold almost exclusively at truck stops and Wal-Mart.

  • Mr. T Gold Chain Bubblegum. The star of The A-Team and Rocky III was such an ’80s cultural phenomenon that someone came out with Mr. T chewing gum—gold-colored “chains” meant to look like the ones Mr. T was famous for wearing.

  • Kiss Coffeehouse. The rock band Kiss is as famous for its merchandising as it is for its music—maybe more. They’ve licensed the name and image for comic books, action figures, and even a line of caskets. In 2006 the first of many planned Kiss Coffeehouses opened in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. It’s a standard Star-bucks-style coffee shop but with Kiss memorabilia on the walls and rock music–themed coffee beverages, including Rocket Ride Espresso and Rockuccino. (The decaf is called “Unplugged.”)

  The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

  “PROBABLY WIFE #2”

  The Newlywed Game has been around for decades, making newlywed couples answer leading questions designed to embarrass them…and entertain us.

  Bob Eubanks: What is your husband’s favorite condiment?

  Contestant: His pool table.

  Eubanks: What will your husband say is the last flavor you used too much of in one of your dishes?

  Contestant: Burnt.

  Eubanks: What is your favorite thing to buy by the foot?

  Contestant: Shoes.

  Eubanks: What is your favorite wind instrument?

  Contestant: The guitar.

  Eubanks: What will your husband say is his favorite rodent?

  Contestant: His saxophone.

  Eubanks: Who is your favorite classical composer?

  Contestant: Elton John. (Her husband predicted she’d say Barry Manilow.)

  Eubanks: Where was the busiest place you and your husband ever “made whoopee?”

  Contestant: My apartment.

  Eubanks: “My husband is a closet…”

  Contestant: Queen.

  Eubanks: In what country will your husband say the last foreign car he drove was manufactured?

  Contestant: Texas.

  Eubanks: What vowel does your husband most resemble when he sleeps?

  Contestant: An R.

  Eubanks: What one thing is the city in which you were born best known for?

  Contestant: City hall.

  Eubanks: What is your favorite crustacean?

  Contestant: The stuff in your eyes.

  Eubanks: What is your favorite part of our Newlywed Game set?

  Husband #3: Probably wife #2.

  Eubanks: Who will your husband say is his favorite anchorman?

  Contestant: Elvis.

  Lettuce is 97% water, tomatoes 95%, carrots 90%, and bread 30%.

  PLUG AND PLAY

  These days, every computer has a USB port (short for Universal Serial Bus), a universal plug for any device you need, like a mouse, keyboard, or printer. But there are a lot more USB-ready devices than you can plug in.

  GHOST RADAR. Made by Japanese company Solid Alliance, this device (which looks like a tiny mouse pad dotted with little pink light bulbs) scans the immediate area, analyzes Moon cycles, and takes into account the user’s “biometric feedback” to determine if there are any ghosts in the room.

  iSHARPENER. Plugged into a PC, it utilizes the computer’s power to sharpen pencils, using less energy than a battery-powered or electric pencil sharpener. (Although it’s unclear why, if you’re sitting at a computer, you would need a pencil.) Other appliances available include a rechargeable shaver, a humidifier, and a USB version of the George Foreman Grill.

  PLASMA BALL. It’s a black orb that glows with flashes of pink light when plugged in. If you touch it, the pink lights turn blue.

  DISCO BALL. This spinning ball projects multicolor flashing lights onto the walls, turning your cubicle into a miniature dance club. The device is also available in a spinning mirrored, non-lighted version.

  SNOWBOT. It’s a 4"-tall plastic snowman, but instead of eyes, it has a visor where the computer powers a blue light. More USB holiday items: Drumming Santa (plays the drums to Silent Night and Jingle Bells), a fiber-optic Christmas tree, and a musical Christmas moose.

  USB BEVERAGE COOLER. Resembling a r
etro 1950s gas station soda cooler, this 8"-tall device holds—and chills—one can of soda. (If you prefer hot beverages, there’s the USB Mug Warmer that keeps your coffee at 176˚F and doubles as a four-port USB hub.)

  Credit-card debt is the second major cause of personal bankruptcy. First is unemployment.

  USB HEATING SLIPPERS. Made of brown fake fur (with white trim), these slippers heat up and keep your feet extra-toasty, as long as you’re sitting within the three-foot cord range of the computer. Also available: heated gloves and an electric blanket.

  USB CHIMP. It’s a rearview mirror for your computer that sends an image of what’s going on behind you onto your screen (so you can hide the video game you’re playing if the boss is coming).

  USB ROCKET LAUNCHER. It’s a triple-barreled cannon that uses compressed air to shoot 3" foam darts from your computer at your cubicle mates up to 20 feet away. (There’s also a version that looks like a mini circus cannon.)

  USB CELL. It’s a AA battery, but inside is a USB plug. Hook this $10 device up to your computer, and five hours later, it’s a near-fully charged AA battery usable in any battery-operated device. (Or you could go buy a new AA battery for $1 or so at the store across the street.)

  QX5 USB MICROSCOPE. Your computer powers a 200x magnifying lens. It also takes photos and videos of your specimens and saves them to your computer.

  USB TURNTABLE. Combining yesterday’s music technology with today’s, this is a record player that plugs into your computer. You can then play your old records (or your parents’) on it and convert the songs into digital MP3 files saved onto the computer.