Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader
Page 30
7. BLUE SHARK ISLAND. This is a dive site near Catalina Island, a small, rocky island off the coast of California, south of Los Angeles. For a reasonable price, you can go out on a small boat with experienced divers. Then you can help them cut up some fish. And then you can throw the fish parts (called chum) into the water…and help lower the dive cage. Then you can climb inside the dive cage and get up close and personal with large blue sharks! And if you want to, you’re free to jump in the water outside the cage and get even more up-close to the sharks…along with the fish parts and blood and all that. Along with blues, the area is also home to mako, soupfin, and leopard sharks, and if you’re lucky you might spot the rare, raylike angel shark. And if you’re really lucky—or really unlucky—you might see a great white shark. They’re not uncommon, with specimens approaching 20 feet long seen in the area. To a shark that big, you’d be just another piece of fish parts. So good luck, chum!
Each year, Hostess bakeries produce 500 million Twinkies.
California was an independent republic for 25 days in 1846.
Haptodysphoria is the odd sensation some people get when touching peaches or other fuzzy surfaces.
STRANGE LAWSUITS
These days it seems that people will sue each other over practically anything. Here are some real-life examples of unusual legal battles.
THE PLAINTIFF: Caryl Dontfraid
THE DEFENDANT: Binder & Binder, a New York City law firm
THE LAWSUIT: In 2004 Dontfraid, a paralegal at Binder & Binder, told her employer that she suffered from seasonal affective disorder, a form of depression triggered by a lack of sunlight in the winter. She asked to work from home, but her request was denied. Ten days later, her department was moved to a different floor, further reducing Dontfraid’s access to sunlight. She asked her supervisor for a desk by a window, so he gave her a spot three feet away from one, but she refused it and was fired. Three years later, Dontfraid sued her former employer for $33 million.
THE VERDICT: Pending. But Dontfraid’s attorneys probably will have an uphill battle trying to argue their client’s disability claim—Binder & Binder specializes in disability claims.
THE PLAINTIFF: Joyce Walker
THE DEFENDANT: Cook County, Illinois
THE LAWSUIT: In 2003, while working as a clerk at Stroger Hospital in Chicago, Walker walked out of the ladies’ room and slipped on a banana peel (seriously). She injured her knee, missing 12 weeks of work and requiring injections of anti-inflammatory drugs. She sued Cook County, which ran the hospital, for an undisclosed sum.
THE VERDICT: In 2007 Walker and the county agreed to a settlement. Millions? No, $4,110. “It’s the cost of doing business,” said county commissioner Liz Gorman.
About 1,000 of the world’s 7,000 languages are spoken in New Guinea.
THE PLAINTIFF: Tomas Delgado
THE DEFENDANT: The family of Enaitz Iriondo
THE LAWSUIT: While driving in Haro, Spain, in 2004, Delgado hit a teenager on a bicycle and dragged him for 340 feet. The bicyclist, 17-year-old Enaitz Iriondo, was killed instantly. A Spanish court ruled that although Delgado was speeding, Iriondo was also partially at fault because he wasn’t wearing reflective clothing. Delgado’s insurance paid $48,500 to Iriondo’s parents. Case closed? No. In 2006 Delgado sued Iriondo’s family for $30,000—to pay for the damage to his car (plus the cost of a rental while it was being fixed). “It’s the only way I have to claim my money back,” he told reporters.
THE VERDICT: The case was widely reported by Spanish news media. Result: On the verge of a ruling in 2008, a large mob of angry protesters gathered outside the courthouse where the case was being tried…and Delgado withdrew his suit.
THE PLAINTIFF: Cleanthi Peters
THE DEFENDANT: Universal Studios Florida
THE LAWSUIT: In 1998 Peters, 57, and her 10-year-old granddaughter went though the Halloween Horror Nights haunted house at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida. Just as they were about to exit the ride, an employee dressed as Leatherface, the masked chainsaw killer from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies, ran up to Peters and her granddaughter and pretended to attack them. As they ran for the exit they slipped on a wet spot on the ground, and then Leatherface crouched over them with his chainsaw (it was a prop). Two years later, Peters sued Universal for $15,000, claiming to have suffered “extreme fear, emotional distress, and mental anguish.”
THE VERDICT: Settled out of court.
THE PLAINTIFF: Macrida Patterson
THE DEFENDANT: Victoria’s Secret
THE LAWSUIT: In May 2007, Patterson was putting on a pair of blue Victoria’s Secret “Sexy Little Thing” thong underwear when a rhinestone heart that adorned the front of the garment came loose, flew up, and struck her in the eye. It was so painful that she required hospitalization, where tests revealed her cornea was cut in three places. In June 2008, Patterson sued Victoria’s Secret for $25,000 for selling her a defective product.
THE VERDICT: Pending, although Patterson’s credibility might have been damaged by the fact that she went on The Today Show to talk about the lawsuit before she actually filed it.
About 40% of America’s population lives within one day’s drive of Philadelphia.
THAT’S FUNNY
Comedy quips scientifically proven to make you feel better.
“Laughter is the best medicine…unless you have facial injuries.”
—Linda Smith
“I bought a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.”
—Jay London
“Another term for balloon is ‘bad breath holder.’”
—Demetri Martin
“My credit is so bad I need a cosigner to play Monopoly.”
—Joanna Briley
“I saw a truck today with a sign that said ‘Driver has no cash.’ I’m broke, too. But I don’t plaster it all over the side of my car.”
—Margaret Smith
“My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger’…until the accident.”
—Jimmy Carr
“I’ve killed so many house-plants. I walked into a nursery once and my face was on a wanted poster.”
—Rita Rudner
“Why is there an expiration date on yogurt? It’s bad milk with fruit in it. It should say, ‘Worse after August 3rd.’”
—Eileen Kelly
“When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.”
—Carrot Top
“The formula for water is H2O. Is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?”
—Lily Tomlin
“Well, my brother says hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.”
—Emo Philips
“My son has a new nickname for me: ‘Baldy.’ Son, I’ve got a new word for you: ‘Heredity.’”
—Dan Savage
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
—Mitch Hedberg
“My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don’t know me, so who cares what they think?”
—Garry Shandling
A violin bow contains about 150 horsetail hairs.
HIP-HOP NAMEZ
If Uncle John ever became a rapper, he’d call himself “DJ Johnny Outhouzz.” Here are some other creative hip-hop names (and they’re all real).
• MC Pooh
• Del tha Funkee Homosapien
• Lil’ Scrappy
• Fed X
• Beat Bullies
• Chali 2na
• Bazooka Joe Gotti
• Dreddy Kruger
• Coo Coo Cal
• The Boss Hog Barbarians
• Uncle Murda
• Mr. Stinky
• Devastatin’ Dave: The Turntable Slave
• Stimuli
• Geologic
• B-Real
• Guccie Mane
• Atoms Family
• Thirstin Howl III
• Rappy Mc
Rapperson
• Yak Ballz
• Skull Duggery
• Eargasm
• Futuristic Sex Robotz
• Crunchy Black
• Optimus Rhyme
• Droop-E
• Sweet Tee
• Yo Yo
• Matlock
• Morris Minor & the Majors
• Beelow
• Flobots
• Cool Breeze
• Messy Marv
• Yung Wun
• Tha Alkaholiks
• Metafore
• Big Boi
• Madlib (Mind-Altering Demented Lessons In Beats)
Every year, hundreds of people swallow their false teeth.
OWNEY GOES POSTAL
Longtime BRI readers know that we’ve always had a fondness for dogs. Owney is one of the best ever.
DOG TIRED
One autumn day in 1888, a young, straggly, Terrier-mix mutt snuck into the Albany, New York, post office and went to sleep on top of some empty mailbags. The next morning, postal employees discovered him…and took a liking to him. They decided to let him stay at the office and gave him the name “Owney,” although nobody seems to know quite why.
Owney seemed strangely attached to the mail bags. He didn’t just like sleeping on them in the office; he sat on top of them in the mail wagons as they were taken to the railroad station to be loaded on mail cars. One day he went a little farther—literally—when he jumped into one of the train cars and made the trip from Albany to New York City, sitting on top of the bags. That, it turned out, was just the beginning.
ON HIS OWNEY
The self-appointed mailbag guard dog started taking longer and longer trips, hopping from mail train to mail train, and would sometimes be away from the Albany office for months at a time. These weren’t chaperoned outings—Owney just went wherever he wanted, following the bags on their routes. At some point, the clerks in Albany attached a note to his collar, asking other clerks to look after the dog and to attach baggage tags to his collar so they could keep track of his travels. It quickly became clear that Owney was crisscrossing the entire country, and within a year clerks from New York to California—and even Mexico and Canada—knew him and considered him part of their large, postal family.
By the early 1890s, Owney’s exploits were known well enough within the postal community that John Wanamaker, the United States Postmaster General, ordered a special “doggie vest” for the pooch. They needed it to accommodate the growing number of tags on his collar, which were so heavy that Owney could hardly lift his head.
Actress Julie Newmar holds U.S. patent #3,914,799, for “pantyhose with shaping band for cheeky derriere relief.”
OWNEY OWNS THE WORLD
In 1895 Owney made his way—via dozens of trains—to Tacoma, Washington, where the clerks there decided to put him on a mail ship. Next stop: Kobe, Japan, a trip the dog made officially registered as “Mr. Owney.” By this time, he was known around the world and in Japan was issued an imperial passport, leaving him free to travel aboard the trains wherever he liked. From Japan Owney traveled to China, back to Japan, Singapore, the Suez Canal, various stops along the North African coast, and then across the Atlantic to New York City. From there he went by train back to Tacoma, arriving on December 29, 1895, to the cheers of hundreds of fans. Owney had completed the around-the-world trip in just a little more than four months. Not bad for the 1890s…not to mention for a dog.
RETURN TO SENDER
Unfortunately, Owney’s heartwarming story has a tragic end. In 1897 he was deemed too old to travel, and the clerks in Albany “retired” him—except that Owney didn’t take to the idea. Without the Albany postal employees knowing it, Owney hopped a train and ended up in Toledo, Ohio, where the clerks chained him to a wall in the basement of the postal station. According to the National Postal Museum, “Owney was mistreated while being shown off to a newspaper reporter in Ohio and became so mad that he bit a postal worker.” The Toledo postmaster felt he had to do something, so he summoned a police officer, and on July 11, 1897, Owney was shot and killed.
Today, his legend lives on at the Smithsonian National Postal Museum in Washington, D.C., where you can see his stuffed body in a display case. With him are many of the more than 1,100 tags, tokens, hotel room keys, and medals that Owney received in his estimated 143,000 miles of travel as the unofficial mascot of the U.S. Railway Mail Service. In 2008 the Washington City paper voted Owney’s display the “Best Animal Monument” in all the District. It remains one of the museum’s most popular exhibits, especially with children…and postal clerks.
SOLD!
How much would you spend for something you really wanted? You never know until you get caught up in the bidding frenzy at an auction and end up paying, say, $32,000 for a PEZ dispenser. Here are some record auction prices.
AN ACTION FIGURE: A 12-inch-tall prototype for the original G.I. Joe line from 1963 was purchased by Baltimore’s Geppi Museum in 2003. Price: $200,000.
A YO-YO: Richard Nixon autographed a yo-yo for country star Roy Acuff when the president visited the Grand Ole Opry in 1974. When Acuff died in 1992, the yo-yo sold at auction for $16,000.
A KIDNEY STONE: In 2006 online casino Golden-Palace.com paid actor William Shatner $25,000 for a kidney stone he’d recently passed. (Shatner donated the money to Habitat for Humanity.)
A PEZ DISPENSER: In 1982 PEZ made two prototypes of a dispenser featuring a white-helmeted astronaut. They were shown to the merchandise department of the 1982 World’s Fair, but never went into production. That’s probably why one of them brought in $32,000 at a collectibles auction in 2006.
A BOTTLE OF WINE: A bottle of Chateau Lafite from 1787, thought to have been owned by Thomas Jefferson (the bottle was engraved with “TH.J”), sold for $160,000 in 1985. It’s too old to drink—it was purchased by a Jefferson enthusiast, not a wine collector.
A BOOK: In 1188 King Henry of Brunswick (now part of Germany) commissioned an order of monks to write his political biography, entitled The Gospels of Henry the Lion. In 1983 a copy sold at auction for $12 million.
A STAMP: An error at a Swedish printing plant in 1855 resulted in a run of stamps being printed on yellow paper instead of the standard green. Only one of the stamps still exists; it was sold in 1996 for $2.3 million.
A DONUT: To raise money for Hurricane Katrina victims, the “Roula and Ryan” morning radio show in Houston auctioned off a donut on eBay. It pulled in $5,100.
In 2000 Al Capone’s toenail clippings were sold at auction for $9,500.
A BASEBALL CARD: There are only six 1909 Honus Wagner “T-206” cards in mint condition known to exist. In 2000 a T-206 once owned by hockey great Wayne Gretzky fetched $1.27 million on eBay.
AN M&M: In 2007 a brown M&M sold for $1,500. What was so special about it? In 2004 the candy had flown on board SpaceShipOne, the first privately funded space flight.
A CAR: Only six Bugatti Type 41 Royale sports cars were ever made, all between 1927 and 1933. Original price: $42,000. One sold at a Japanese auction in 1990. Price: $15 million.
A LETTER: In 1991 a letter written in 1863 by President Abraham Lincoln to Major General John A. McClernand explaining the Emancipation Proclamation sold at auction. Price: $748,000.
A PIANO: A handmade Alma-Tadema model Steinway and Sons piano built in the 1880s was sold to the Sterling and Francine Clark Art Institute in Massachusetts in 1997 for $1.2 million.
A VIOLIN: In February 2008, Russian businessman Maxim Viktorov paid $7 million for a rare 18th-century Stradivarius violin.
A PHOTOGRAPH: Photographer Edward Steichen took a photo of a heavily forested pond in Mamaroneck, New York, in 1904. He titled it “The Pond-Moonlight.” In 2008 one of three existing original prints sold for $2.9 million to a private party. (The other two are owned by the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the Museum of Modern Art in New York City.)
A MUSHROOM: An English restaurateur purchased a two-pou
nd Italian white truffle at a charity auction in Tuscany. Price: $28,000.
A PAINTING: Mark Rothko’s painting White Center sold in 2007 for $72.8 million, an art-auction record.
A PIG: In 1985 Bud Olson and Phil Bonzio bought “Bud the Pig” at a Texas livestock auction for the price of $56,000. Bud was a rare cross-breed barrow. (A “barrow” is a neutered male pig.)
Blah, blah, blah: Studies show that it’s usually the more talkative spouse who gets his (or her) way.
THE DA VINCI
OF DETROIT, PART II
Harley Earl was a man of many gifts, the most important of which may simply have been good timing. He happened to join GM at a time of profound change in the auto industry when his talents could be put to the most use. (Part I begins on page 139.)
MIDEAST MEETS WEST
When Harley Earl arrived in Detroit in the late 1920s, there was no guarantee that his ideas regarding automobile design would prevail. He had the support of Alfred Sloan, the head of General Motors, but the auto industry was still dominated by engineers who were openly hostile to the idea that how a car looked was as important as how well it was built. These engineers were no-nonsense guys and very conservative; one designer said they “dressed like detectives and rarely even took their hats off.” When Harley Earl from Hollywood rolled into town wearing suede shoes with bronze-colored suits and purple shirts, spinning yarns about the car he’d designed with a saddle on the roof, the engineers dismissed him as a “pretty boy” and a “pantywaist” and probably figured he wasn’t going to last very long.
Besides, what was wrong with the way cars looked? They had a certain austere, utilitarian beauty to them, the automotive equivalent of a hammer or an electric drill. Making cars prettier made about as much sense to these engineers as putting makeup on a shotgun.