Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  HOME TEAM ADVANTAGE

  As the two national soccer teams prepared to begin their match, the home team Czech Republic played the Latvian national anthem for the visiting team…which would have been fine if the visiting team was actually Latvia. It was Lithuania. Not only that, stadium officials printed a copy of Latvia’s flag in the official game program. Not surprisingly, the Lithuanians were upset, and the Czech Republic’s government apologized profusely on behalf of its soccer federation; one federation official resigned and two others were fired. But adding insult to injury, the Czech Republic beat Lithuania, 2–0.

  The only planet whose name is from Greek mythology: Uranus. (The rest are Roman.)

  BALLOONATIC

  In March 2008, Lefkos Hajji, a 28-year-old contractor from London, devised a romantic scheme to propose to his girlfriend: First, he bought her a $12,000-diamond engagement ring and then took it to a florist. There, he bought a beautiful bouquet of flowers and had the ring placed inside a balloon, which was then filled with helium and attached to a string. Hajji would present the flowers to his love along with a pin; she would pop the balloon as he popped the question. But he never got the chance. Hajji had only gone a few steps away from the flower shop when the string slipped out of his hand. He watched in horror as the balloon—with his ring inside—floated away in the wind. “I felt like such a plonker,” he said. “It cost a fortune, and I knew my girlfriend would kill me.” He searched frantically for two hours but was unable to find it. After he admitted his goof to his girlfriend, she refused to speak to him until he found or replaced the ring. At last report, it was still gone.

  ARE YOU KIDDING?

  In 2008 a woman in Orem, Utah, called 911 to report that she was locked inside her luxury car. The battery was dead and the key chain’s remote control would no longer open her door. When officers arrived, they tried to yell instructions through the closed window but the woman couldn’t hear them, so they called her on her cell phone…and explained how to manually slide the locking mechanism located next to her on the door panel.

  CONFESSIONS OF A NOT-SO-DANGEROUS MIND

  In Louisiana a woman awoke to her phone ringing in the middle of the night. As she placed the receiver against her ear, a man whose voice she didn’t recognize exclaimed, “I’ve killed them all!” The woman immediately put down the phone and called police, who were able to trace the call to a man named Thomas Ballard. They barged into Ballard’s apartment and questioned him about his “confession.” After a little confusion, Ballard admitted that earlier that evening, he had killed “all the bad guys” in a video game and had intended to call his friend to brag…but accidentally dialed a wrong number.

  “If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we’d all be millionaires.”

  —Abigail Van Buren

  U.S. city with the highest alcoholism rate: Reno, Nevada. Lowest: Provo, Utah, just one state away.

  CHANEL NO. 1

  Coco Chanel (1883–1971) was the first celebrity fashion designer. Among her contributions: the little black dress, Chanel No. 5 perfume, and these quotes.

  “Elegance is the art of refusal.”

  “How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something, but to be someone.”

  “Fashion is architecture: It is a matter of proportions.”

  “Luxury must be comfortable; otherwise it is not luxury.”

  “Since everything is in our heads, we had better not lose them.”

  “I invented my life by taking for granted that everything I did not like would have an opposite, which I would like.”

  “True generosity means accepting ingratitude.”

  “Nature gives you the face you have at 20; it is up to you to merit the face you have at 50.”

  “Success is often achieved by those who don’t know that failure is inevitable.”

  “Those who create are rare. Those who cannot are numerous. Therefore, the latter are stronger.”

  “The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.”

  “There are people who have money…and there are people who are rich.”

  “A woman who doesn’t wear perfume has no future.”

  “There is no time for cut-and-dried monotony. There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.”

  “Fashion is made to become unfashionable.”

  “A fashion that does not reach the streets is not a fashion.”

  “If a woman is badly dressed, people will notice her clothes. If she is impeccably dressed, they will notice her.”

  “One can get used to ugliness, but never to negligence.”

  “If you were born without wings, do nothing to prevent their growing.”

  “Fashion fades; only style remains the same.”

  A black hole in the Perseus galaxy emits sound waves in B-flat.

  TOILET TECH

  Better living through bathroom technology

  ONE-ARMED BANDIT

  Inventor: David Muir, Jr., of Centreville, Virginia

  Product: The Urinator—a “self-flushing urinal with an integrated gaming and reward system.”

  How It Works: Designed for public restrooms, the Urinator is a slot machine, except that it’s a game of “skill,” not luck, and it dispenses reward coupons instead of cash. The customer inserts a coin and then, if he hits the target on the urinal, an LCD screen drops down to provide entertainment while the urinal dispenses a prize. “It is envisioned that the Urinator may provide tickets for free products upon the attainment of certain amounts of a customer urine output coordinated with appropriate accuracy,” Muir says.

  LITTLE MAN COMPLEX

  Company: Weeman of Australia

  Product: “The world’s first little boy’s toilet training urinal”

  How It Works: The Weeman is a bucket-like device with a hinged hook that allows it to be hung from the front rim of a standard toilet, creating a urinal small and low enough for even the youngest boys to use. When your son has completed his business, the hinge allows you—or him—to flip the urinal up (carefully, carefully!) and pour the contents into the bowl via a “patented, no-splash or drip self-washing design.” “Best of all,” says the company, “your little boy can enjoy the satisfaction of going to the toilet ‘standing up just like Dad!’”

  Henry Ford never had a driver’s license.

  TWO OF A KIND

  Inventor: Jo Lapidge of Canberra, Australia

  Product: The Litter Kwitter, a toilet training device for cats

  How It Works: After you’ve finished teaching your little boy to shoot straight, why not continue on to the cat? The Litter Kwitter is the latest development in man’s eternal struggle to get the cat to use the toilet, so that man can get out of cleaning the cat box. The method of cat training is similar to the one we described in Uncle John’s Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader a few years back: Set the special litter box next to the toilet, and after the cat gets accustomed to using it for a few weeks, move it onto the toilet seat. At the bottom of the litter box is an adjustable opening. Over the next two months, gradually increase the size of the hole as the cat gets better at balancing on the toilet seat, until you reach the fully open position and the cat is squatting over the open bowl. (Lapidge says the invention was inspired by the toilet-trained cat in the movie Meet the Fockers.)

  HARD TO HANDLE

  Inventor: Florence Doleac, a French designer

  Product: The Poignee Signaletique, or “Identifiable Door Handle”

  How It Works: The Identifiable Door Handle addresses the problem of how to direct people who don’t speak your language to the nearest restroom. (Uncle John thought the problem had already been solved with the universal man and woman pictograph signs commonly found on restroom doors, but apparently not.) Doleac’s solution: a door handle that looks and feels like a bronzed turd. (Really.) The handle on the outside of the door shows foreign guests where the bathroom is; the handle on the inside of the door is there “for in
spiration,” says the inventor.

  MUSICAL CHAIRS

  Company: Jammin’ Johns

  Product: The Jammin’ Johns Studio Series “Guitarlet” toilet seat

  How It Works: The Guitarlet is a toilet seat with a lid that looks like the face of an acoustic guitar. Jammin’ Johns says they are made by an “actual guitar company that manufactures some of the most popular brands of guitars,” which chooses to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. Also available: the “Screamer,” which looks like an electric guitar, and the “P-ano,” which looks like a concert grand. (Jammin’ Johns’ company slogan: “Music to Your Rear!”)

  Warning: Guitarlets, Screamers, and P-anos are not advised for struggling musicians whose careers are already in the toilet.

  Big Ben once lost five minutes when a flock of starlings landed on the minute hand.

  JUNK FOOD RECIPES

  Take packaged snack food…and turn it into something else with one of these weird recipes. (Warning to healthy eaters: DON’T LOOK!)

  • Twinkie Sushi. Cut Twinkies into inch-long pieces and wrap them in strips of green Fruit Roll-Ups. The result looks like sushi. Serve with dried mango strips (which look like pickled ginger).

  • Pringles Candy. Mix three cups of crushed Pringles potato chips into a melted package of almond bark. Stir in a cup of Spanish peanuts. Pour onto wax paper; cool, dry, and break into pieces.

  • Kool-Aid Pickles. Soak some dill pickles in a pitcher filled with equal parts vinegar and cherry or tropical punch-flavored Kool-Aid. The result is a pickle that’s sweet, sour…and bright red.

  • Chicken McBigMac. Not getting enough meat in your diet? Try this: Buy a McDonald’s Big Mac and three McChicken sandwiches. Remove the three bun slices on the Big Mac and replace them with the fried McChicken chicken patties.

  • Coke Seafood Au Gratin. Combine two tablespoons of butter and two of flour. On low heat, add in a cup of milk and a half cup of grated parmesan. As it thickens, add a half cup of Coca-Cola. Pour the sauce over a half pound each of cooked shrimp, crab, lobster, and sole. Top with bread crumbs and bake for 20 minutes.

  • Peppers With Creamy Sauce. Remove the seeds from six green (or red) bell peppers that have been cut in half. Melt a package of marshmallows. Fill the peppers with the creamy marshmallow sauce and bake until brown.

  • Funyun Onion Rings. Grind a bag of Funyons in a blender. (Funyuns are made from cornmeal that’s formed into rings and heavily seasoned with onion powder.) Dip slices of real onions in the Funyun crumbs, then dip in egg whites and cook in a deep-fryer.

  • Maple Bacon Donut. If you like bacon with your waffles and you’ve ever dipped the bacon in maple syrup, you’ll love this simple treat: Take a maple bar (a donut with maple frosting, also known as a maple longjohn) and place two strips of extra-crispy bacon on top…and hope you have good health insurance.

  Dog breed with the best eyesight: Greyhound.

  HYPERMILING 102

  A few more tips on how to get the most bang for your buck when you’re buying gas for your car. (Part I is on page 202.)

  DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT

  A lot of us have dreamed of doing it: One of the most tempting ways to save gas may be to simply shut off the engine anytime you’re traveling downhill. Even if you’ve felt the urge to do it, don’t—driving with the engine off can be very dangerous, not to mention illegal in many states, and can even do thousands of dollars of damage to your car. How?

  • Many automatic transmissions are lubricated by a pump that is powered by the car’s engine. If you turn off the engine while the car is moving, you can severely damage the transmission.

  • Power steering and power brakes also rely on the engine for their power. Once the engine has been shut off, your car’s steering will become very stiff, and so will the brakes after just a few pumps of the brake pedal. In an older car, you also risk damaging the distributor. So if you’re in your car and it’s moving, leave the engine on.

  AVOID THE DRAFT

  Are you old enough to remember the oil crisis of the 1970s, and the fanciful tales of VW Beetles “drafting”—another word for tailgating—so closely behind 18-wheeler trucks that drivers could put their cars in neutral, shut off the engine, and be sucked down the road by the big rigs? This is an urban legend that can get you killed, with the added insult that your gas savings, if any, would be negligible. Don’t tailgate big rigs and other large vehicles under any circumstances. It’s illegal, ineffective, and very dangerous. You’ll save a lot more gas just by slowing down, and that increases your safety as well.

  The minimum safe distance behind any vehicle is the distance that gives you at least three seconds of reaction time in an emergency. At highway speeds that can be as much as 150 feet. You’re probably too close already—stay back!

  Paul Newman once worked as an encyclopedia salesman.

  RUNNING COLD…

  • Automobiles that are already warmed up operate more efficiently than cars that are cold, if for no other reason than cars are designed to run on a richer mixture of fuel and air until they are warmed up. Note: this doesn’t mean you need to let your car sit and idle until it’s warm. Warming up in your driveway before starting off can actually be counterproductive. It makes more sense to start driving as soon as the engine is running smoothly, which in most cars, especially newer ones, means almost immediately. The drivetrain (all the parts that transmit the power from the engine to the wheels) also needs to warm up to work efficiently. Believe it or not, so do the tires. The fastest way to warm everything up: Start driving.

  • The improved efficiency of warmed-up cars is one of the reasons that stringing all of your errands together into one long trip can save gas. In addition to driving fewer miles by making one big trip instead of several shorter ones, you can save as much as 4 mpg by running the bulk of your errands in a car that’s already warmed up rather than one that starts each trip cold.

  …AND HOT

  Air conditioners get blamed for using a lot of gas. So does rolling down the windows of a car that’s traveling at highway speeds, on the theory that a car with its windows rolled down has more aerodynamic drag than one that has them rolled up.

  • Turns out there is some truth to the air conditioner claim—in one test by Consumer Reports magazine, a Toyota Camry traveling at 65 mph lost about 1 mpg of fuel economy when the air conditioner was turned on.

  • But there’s no truth to the claim that rolling down your car’s windows harms its fuel economy. When Consumer Reports rolled down the windows of their test Camry at 65 mph, they didn’t notice any change in fuel mileage at all. So roll down your windows to your heart’s content, and use the air conditioner if you need to—it’s not using as much gas as you might have thought.

  It’s a boy!…again! All shrimp are born male.

  IDLE TALK

  • Anytime your engine is running and your car isn’t moving, you are getting 0 mpg. If you expect to be idling for 10 seconds or more, shutting off the engine—provided that it’s safe to do so—will save fuel. It also helps to avoid situations where you might spend a lot of time idling, such as at the drive-up window of a fast food restaurant.

  • If you drive an automatic, you probably know that when you’re stopped and the car is in drive, your foot on the brake is the only thing stopping the engine from slowly pushing the car forward. Whenever you’re going to be stopped for more than a few seconds, shift the car into neutral and you’ll save a little gas. If you’re worried about forgetting to shift back to drive, keeping your hand on the shifter will help you remember.

  • Another simple trick: if you’re like Uncle John, you’re occasionally guilty of the practice of starting your car as soon as you get in it and then spending 30 seconds or more fastening your seat belt, adjusting the mirrors, tuning the radio to your station, and so on. You can save gas by taking care of this stuff before starting the car.

  LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

  • Anytime you have tw
o or more lanes to choose from, figure out which one is the “lane of least resistance” and get in it. The lane of least resistance is the hypermiler’s term for the one that requires the least amount of braking or changes in speed, which over time can make a big dent in your fuel economy. On a street where lots of cars are turning right into driveways or parking lots, stay in the left lane. If a lot of cars are stopping in the left lane to make left turns, move into the right lane. On a three-lane street, the lane in the middle is often the clearest.

  • Taking back roads, where the speed limits are lower and there are fewer cars around, gives you the flexibility to drive efficiently in ways that aren’t possible on busy streets or highways. Just getting out of stop-and-go traffic will improve your gas mileage, and you may save gas even if the backroads route is a little longer.

  WEATHER REPORT

  • In the winter, any snow on the ground can provide extra rolling resistance to your car, requiring you to use more gas than would be necessary if there were no snow on the road. Because of this, the most fuel-efficient time to drive is right after the road has been plowed, if you can wait until then.

  • If your car is covered in snow, clear off as much as you can before you start driving. All that snow can add a lot of weight to the car, and if it’s piled up on the roof it can also make the car less aerodynamic. It also cuts down the time you need the electric defroster, which uses a lot of energy.

  • Water on the road also increases rolling resistance. For this reason, hypermilers like to practice something known as “ridge riding.” If the road has water collecting in tire tracks worn into the road surface, driving just to the left or the right of these ruts—provided the lane is wide enough and it is safe to do so—takes you out of the water onto a part of the road surface that offers less resistance.