Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  WHEN IN ROME

  In the first millennium B.C., civilizations thrived in Greece, India, and China—and they all threw dice. In Rome, it was common for gamblers to call out the goddess Fortuna’s name while rolling a 20-sided die during a game of chance. But they had to do it quietly—dice games were illegal in Rome (except during the winter-solstice festival of Saturnalia). Not that that stopped anybody from playing it: One surviving fresco depicts two quarreling dicers being thrown out of a public house by the proprietor.

  • When General Julius Caesar led his army across the Rubicon River to attack Rome in 49 B.C.—which set in motion his rise to power—he knew that there was no turning back, proclaiming, “Alea iacta est.” Translation: “The die is cast.”

  • Later Roman leaders were also dice aficionados, including Mark Antony, Caligula (he was notorious for cheating), Claudius, Nero, and Commodus, who built special dicing rooms in his palace.

  ROLLING ALONG

  After the fall of the Roman Empire, many of civilization’s advancements and inventions fell out of use. Not dice, though—their use continued through the Middle Ages, being one of the few leisure activities affordable to peasants. In the rest of the world, dice played an important role among the tribes and indigenous peoples of Africa and the Americas, for both recreation and divination. And in 12th-century China, a variation of a dice game led to the introduction of dominoes, which are basically flattened-out dice.

  The world’s smallest dice, made in Japan, measure .3 × .3 × .3 mm, can be seen only through a microscope, and cost $870.

  But it was in Medieval Europe that the popularity of dice games soared, starting in the 1100s with a game called Hazard that was played by both aristocrats and commoners. “They dance and play at dice both day and night,” wrote Chaucer in The Canterbury Tales. These games were so popular that over the ensuing centuries dice guilds and schools formed all over western Europe. That didn’t stop the Catholic Church from attempting to ban all gambling games, though. Over the next few hundred years, dozens of popes, bishops, and priests instituted bans against dicing games. And just like in Ancient Rome, the bans didn’t stop people from playing them.

  A CRAPPY ORIGIN

  It was inevitable, then, that dice travelled aboard the ships emigrating to the New World (the religious Pilgrims on the Mayflower were none too fond of the crewmen’s gambling games). In colonial America, the game of Hazard was introduced by the French in New Orleans, who called it crapaud, meaning “toad.” The game became popular with slaves, who shortened the name to craps, which is still the most popular gambling dice game in the United States. And in the early 20th century, board games like Monopoly became popular, guaranteeing that nearly every American home would have at least one set of dice.

  PAIR OF DICE LOST

  Where there is gaming, there is cheating. While ancient civilizations may have believed the gods were responsible for the outcome of the roll, many unscrupulous players felt the need to give the gods a little help. Loaded dice—as well as dice with the corners shaved off—were found in the ruins of Pompeii. When wooden dice were common, enterprising gamblers would grow small trees around pebbles; then they’d carve the dice with the weight inside, leaving no visible marks.

  Modern cheaters are just as crafty in their methods. One type of trick dice are trappers: Drops of mercury are loaded into a center reservoir; by holding the die a certain way and tapping it against a table, the mercury travels down a tunnel to another reservoir, subtly weighting the die. Another trick is to fill a die with wax that melts at just below body temperature: Held in a closed fist, the wax melts, settling to the desired side.

  Today casinos spend millions trying to thwart cheaters in a high-tech war of wits using extremely sensitive equipment to detect even the slightest alteration in a pair of suspect dice. And to keep people from bringing their own dice to the craps table, all casino dice have tiny serial numbers. A more radical way of stopping cheaters: virtual dice rolled by a computer. This not only makes loading dice impossible, but also allows the craps player to “roll the bones” from the keypad of a cell phone. But nothing can replace the actual feeling of shaking the dice in your hands and letting them fly.

  DICEY VARIATIONS

  Dice made from the ankles of sheep are still used in Mongolia today. And they’re just one type of thousands that exist. Have you ever rolled a 30-sided die—the highest-numbered symmetrical polyhedron? Or how about the 100-sided die, called the Zocchihedron (invented in the 1980s by a gamer named Lou Zocchi)? There’s also the no-sided die—a sphere with a moving internal weight that causes the sphere to stop rolling with one of its six numbers facing up. There are barrel dice (roughly cylindrical, with flat surfaces), letter dice (like in the game Boggle), playing-card dice (often called “poker dice”), six-siders numbered zero through five, three-sided dice, doubling cubes (such as those used in backgammon), asymmetrical polyhedrons, and countless others.

  And those are just the varieties used in gaming. Myriad other dice are used in cleromancy, the ancient practice of divining with dice. Tibetan Buddhists use a set of three dice made from conch shells to help make daily decisions. Astrologers use a set of 12-sided dice relating to the Zodiac signs. There are I Ching dice with trigrams and yin/yang symbols. And if you’ve ever shaken a Magic 8-Ball and asked it a question, you’ve practiced cleromancy: The responses—“Yes,” “No,” “Ask Again Later,” etc.—are printed on a 20-sided icosahedron.

  Though rarely used in games since the Roman Empire, noncubical dice have made a resurgence in the past few decades. They were used for teaching arithmetic before they took the world of gaming by storm, most notably in the role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons. For that story, roll your way over to page 318.

  “Not only does God play dice, He sometimes throws them where they can’t be seen.”—Stephen Hawking

  BATHROOM

  FENG SHUI, PART II

  Here are more tips on applying the traditional Chinese principles of Feng Shui to your “reading room.” In the East, as in the West, people like to go with the flow (of ch’i)! (Part I is on page 193.)

  YOU’VE LOST THAT FENG SHUI FEELING

  • Your house’s history can influence its Feng Shui. Was the previous owner a successful person who moved into a nicer house? Or did they lose money, or suffer family problems, illness, or even death? Their experiences—positive or negative—made an impact on the Feng Shui of your house that may linger to this day.

  • Feng Shui is a finite resource that can be depleted over time. Were the previous owners of your bathroom blessed with good luck? They may have used it all up, leaving little for you to enjoy.

  • If you suspect that your bathroom is down in the dumps, here’s a little trick to help freshen things up. Soak nine citrus peels—orange, lemon, and lime peels work well—in a bowl of water overnight. Then pour the water into a spray bottle and give the bathroom a good squirting, paying special attention to the floors. This is the Feng Shui equivalent of a dog marking its territory: Any bad spirits that are lurking in your bathroom will be forced to leave.

  • Another technique is to make loud noises in the bathroom (so to speak). This establishes your presence and scares away any ghosts of previous owners who may still be lurking. The Chinese use firecrackers, but banging a metal pot and lid together should work just as well without the risk of burning down the house.

  DOORS

  • Big doors should be reserved for big rooms. The bathroom door, because it opens onto a smaller room, should be small. The thinking is that if the door is too big, people will be drawn in and will spend too much time in there, either to indulge their vanity in front of the mirror or because the poor Feng Shui is making them ill. Either way, you can’t use the bathroom if there’s a crowd of people in there. If you suspect your bathroom door has turned the room into an attractive nuisance, hang a mirror or picture just outside the bathroom to pull visitors back out again.

  • Doors that don’t get a l
ot of use—“dead” doors—can be the source of argument in the home. If you have a bathroom closet that’s used to store items that are only taken out once in a while, you might want to consider moving the items to another closet and replacing them with items that will be used regularly, such as towels. Hanging a mirror on the unused door is another solution.

  • Keep your bathroom door’s hinges oiled so the door opens without squeaking, and plane the edge of the door if it sticks. A squeaky door can upset the bathroom’s ch’i, and the stress of having to force a door open can disturb the user’s ch’i, harming the sense of well-being and even damaging their health.

  Nova Scotians have been nicknamed “Bluenoses” or “Bluenosers” since the 1700s.

  COLORS

  • Believe it or not, white is the color of mourning in China, and the idea of painting any room in the house the color of death is considered very bad luck—the occupants may be made ill by it. But that doesn’t mean you need to repaint or re-tile; just be sure to fill the bathroom with as many bright, colorful objects—towels, shower curtains, bath mats, decorative soaps—as possible.

  • If you’re planning to repaint your bathroom, colors that are conducive to good Feng Shui are red (the color of happiness, warmth, and strength), green (the color of spring), and yellow (the color of the sun). Blue’s not bad…but it’s not too good, either.

  FENG SHUI THAT PAYS

  • The presence of water is thought to attract money, and because of this many companies in China take special care to locate their places of business within view of lakes, rivers, and the sea. Those that are unable to do so often install fish tanks in their offices, and some companies even make a point of assigning employees who deal directly with money to offices next to the restrooms.

  • You can put this moneymaking power of Feng Shui to work for you. Where do you pay your bills? Move your table nearer to the bathroom. Do you play poker? Put the poker table as close to the bathroom as you can, and make a point of excusing yourself from the game often to wash your hands.

  Calorie counting as a means of losing weight first became popular in 1918.

  BRA-VO!

  Here’s a look at three remarkable bras.

  GUN BRA

  Inventor: Paxton Quigley, a Beverly Hills security consultant to the stars

  Product: The Super-Bra, “the world’s first combined brassiere and gun holster.”

  How it Works: The bra contains two extra compartments, one large enough to hold a .38 caliber snub-nosed revolver, and a second that holds a can of pepper spray for additional protection. “If a woman is attacked, her purse is the first thing taken from her, so she needs a backup,” Quigley says. “A good place to conceal a weapon is the chest area. Women like its ease of access.”

  BULLET BRA

  Agency: The Bundespolizei, or German federal police force

  Product: A “police bra” made to be worn under bulletproof vests

  How it Works: The bra isn’t notable so much for what it has as for what it lacks: it has no underwire inserts, and no metal or plastic fasteners, either. Why? Because these features can cause bodily harm and even death when worn under a bulletproof vest. When a bullet strikes a vest, it does so with enough force to drive any rigid parts of the bra into the wearer’s body. The bra recently became standard issue to all 3,000 female federal police officers in Germany.

  BAGGY BRA

  Company: Triumph International Japan

  Product: The NO! Reji-Bukuro Bra (No! Shopping Bag Bra)

  How it Works: Created in response to a strict new environmental law that discourages the use of disposable plastic shopping bags, the NO! Reji-Bukuro Bra is a padded bra with a purpose: the padding in the bra pulls out and can be used to convert the undergarment into a shopping bag. Bonus: The bras are made from polyester fiber recycled from plastic bottles.

  First national TV appearance of Ronald McDonald: the 1966 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

  DEATH ON THE SET

  Sometimes, tragically, in the middle of shooting a movie, an actor dies. It’s actually happened many times. So what’s a director to do? Turns out they have quite a few options.

  Actor: Oliver Reed

  Movie: Gladiator (2000)

  Story: Reed had a well-earned reputation as an extremely heavy drinker and partygoer, and he died the way he lived. While shooting Gladiator on the island of Malta in 1999, he went to a bar and reportedly drank three bottles of rum, eight bottles of beer, and several shots of whiskey. At the end of the night, Reed, 61, dropped dead from a heart attack. Most of his scenes had been shot, but for the few that weren’t, director Ridley Scott used a body double and then, using digital technology, placed Reed’s face on the stand-in’s body (they were fight scenes). Cost of the re-creation: $3 million. Gladiator was released in 2000 and won the Academy Award for Best Picture.

  Actor: Frank Morgan

  Movie: Annie Get Your Gun (1950)

  Story: Morgan (best known as the Wizard in The Wizard of Oz) was cast as Wild West legend Buffalo Bill Cody in the screen version of this Broadway musical. Just days into filming, Morgan died and was replaced by Louis Calhern. But in the scene where Buffalo Bill first rides into town, when the audience sees Cody from a distance, the actor on horseback is Morgan. The actor in the close-up—and from then on—is Calhern.

  Actor: Heath Ledger

  Movie: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009)

  Story: Ledger died at the age of 28 in 2008, under the influence of a range of sleeping pills and antidepressants. At the time, he was on a break from shooting The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, a fantasy about a magical traveling theater show. Director Terry Gilliam decided to keep going. The movie’s premise, in which Ledger’s character travels through different worlds, was adapted so that the character’s appearance could change as well. Ledger’s friends Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell split the role between them (and donated their salaries to Ledger’s three-year-old daughter, Matilda).

  It takes the average American 129 workdays to earn enough money to pay federal, state, and local taxes for the year.

  Actor: John Candy

  Movie: Wagons East! (1994)

  Story: While filming the comic western in March 1994, the 43-year-old actor suffered a heart attack and died in his sleep in a hotel in Mexico. Almost all of Candy’s scenes had been completed, so director Peter Markle used a body double for the remaining footage. Wagons East! was released later that year and bombed with critics and audiences.

  Actor: Bela Lugosi

  Movie: Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

  Story: Plan 9 is often called the worst film ever made, but Director Ed Wood was able to hire horror movie icon Bela Lugosi because the actor was 73, past his prime, addicted to morphine, and up for anything that paid. Wood cast Lugosi as “the Ghoul Man.” After compiling just a few minutes of footage (with no dialogue because Wood hadn’t actually written the script yet), Lugosi died of a heart attack. Not wanting to lose out on the publicity from having a recently departed screen legend in his film, Wood shot the rest of Plan 9 with Tom Mason, a Los Angeles chiropractor, standing in for Lugosi. To account for the two men looking nothing alike, in all of his scenes, Mason held a black cape over his face.

  Actor: River Phoenix

  Movie: Dark Blood

  Story: In the fall of 1993, Phoenix (Stand By Me, My Own Private Idaho) was shooting Dark Blood, portraying a man who lived alone on a nuclear testing site and spent his time making strange dolls. With 11 days left to go on the production, Phoenix, then 23 years old, overdosed on cocaine and heroin, and died on the sidewalk outside The Viper Room, a Los Angeles nightclub. There were too many pivotal scenes left to shoot, so producers completely scrapped the movie.

  Actor: Vic Morrow

  Movie: Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)

  Story: In a horrific morality tale, Morrow played a vicious racist who has the tables turned on him and suddenly finds himself in the jungles of Vietnam, b
eing hunted down by American soldiers. While filming a scene involving gunfire and a helicopter, the pyrotechnics used for the gunfire exploded prematurely, causing the helicopter to crash. The helicopter’s blades decapitated Morrow, 53, and also killed two extras, both of whom were children. The movie was released anyway, but it didn’t do as well as expected at the box office—probably due to distaste over the accident. Director John Landis was later charged (but acquitted) with involuntary manslaughter and child endangerment.

  Actress: Natalie Wood

  Movie: Brainstorm (1983)

  Story: Wood, a star in her childhood and early adulthood with films like Miracle on 34th Street, Splendor in the Grass, and West Side Story, died in 1981 while filming the virtual reality–themed Brainstorm. While partying on a yacht off Catalina Island with her husband Robert Wagner and Brainstorm co-star Christopher Walken, Wood disappeared. It was later discovered that she had tried to leave the yacht on a dinghy but fell into the water and drowned. She had one scene left to shoot in Brainstorm. Paramount Pictures debated for nearly two years about what to do, ultimately completing Wood’s final scene with a body double and dubbed dialogue. Brainstorm was quietly released in 1983.

  CAN-DO GUY

  Dr. Fredric J. Baur was a “food storage technician” for Proctor & Gamble for nearly half a century. His proudest achievement: the cylindrical Pringles potato chip can, which he patented in 1970. How proud was he? He wanted to be buried in one. And when he died in June 2008 at the age of 89, his children honored the request, putting as much of his ashes as would fit into a Pringles can and the remainder in an urn. The two containers were buried side by side.