Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  GM paid (and continues to pay) a heavy price for ignoring Earl’s advice and not moving into the small-car business in time to compete with the Japanese automakers. But perhaps the most enduring testimony to Harley Earl’s brilliance as a designer is that more than 50 years after he left the company (he died from a stroke in 1969 at the age of 75), his cars are still considered the high-water mark of American automobile design. GM has spent 50 years looking for another designer who could make its buyers feel the same way about brand-new Saturns, Chevys, Pontiacs, Buicks, and Cadillacs as they do about the cars designed during the Earl era. And they haven’t found one yet.

  COSMIC QUESTIONS

  Why are the elderly called “old people,” but children are never called “new people”?

  If it’s true that we’re here to help others, then what are the others here for?

  Do all cemetery workers work the graveyard shift?

  If they’re just stale bread to begin with, why do croutons come in airtight, resealable packages?

  How come when asked what things they’d bring to a desert island, no one ever says “a boat”?

  When a dog food is “new and improved,” how do they know?

  If a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing?

  How did Noah prevent all those animals from eating each other?

  One gallon of motor oil can pollute one million gallons of fresh water.

  HIGH-TECH

  UNDERWEAR

  Who says underwear should only be clean and comfortable? Here’s a look at some strange skivvies with extra built-in features.

  PRODUCT: A bra that detects breast cancer

  INVENTOR: Professor Elias Siores of the University of Bolton in England

  HOW IT WORKS: When tumors form in the breast, they are fed by a large blood supply. Because blood is warm, the tumor is warmer than surrounding tissue. Professor Siores’ bra, which is still in development, is fitted with a number of microwave antennae that detect changes in temperature within the breast, a cancer-detecting technique known as thermography. “If we can identify transformations that emanate these heat signatures, we may be able to detect these cancers early,” says Siores. He hopes to bring a bra to market sometime after 2012.

  PRODUCT: Self-cleaning underwear

  INVENTOR: Scientists working for the U.S. Air Force

  HOW IT WORKS: Who knew that the largest number of casualties from Operation Desert Storm (1991) would be from bacterial infections? Soldiers in combat don’t always have the luxury of being able to change into fresh underwear, if they even have a clean pair to change into. Underwear worn day after day in those hot desert conditions turned out to be a significant cause of bacterial infections and discomfort. That prompted the military to take the chemical-repelling techology that it had developed to protect soldiers against biological weapons and apply it to T-shirts and skivvies. The underwear is manufactured by using microwave energy to bond tiny “nanoparticles” to the fibers in the underwear fabric. Then chemicals that repel oil, water, bacteria, and other substances are bonded to the nanoparticles. Result: underwear that is very, very difficult to get dirty, because virtually nothing will stick to it. And because bacteria never gets established, undergarments made with the stuff can be worn for weeks without washing and without risk to the wearer’s health. The materials may soon be used to make sports apparel for civilians.

  It is not the knowing that is difficult, but the doing.—Chinese proverb

  PRODUCT: Flat-D (for “flatulence-deodorizing”) underwear

  INVENTOR: Brian Conant, a Postal employee, retired member of the National Guard, and president of Flat-D Innovations

  HOW IT WORKS: When Conant was in the National Guard, he participated in a military exercise that required him to wear a suit designed to protect him from chemical weapons. At one point in the exercise Conant ripped a really big one…and was surprised to find that neither he nor anyone else could smell any odor. When he told his wife about it, she replied that she, too, would like to be spared the effects of his toxic gas. So Conant got ahold of an extra chemical suit and experimented with it in his spare time. Result: designs for male and female undergarments, which feature strategically placed, keyhole-shaped activated charcoal pads that absorbs odor. (Conant also sells activated charcoal face masks, for use around people who aren’t wearing his underpants.)

  PRODUCT: ShotGuard Inner Shorts, which block infrared rays

  INVENTOR: Cramer Japan, one of that country’s largest sportswear manufacturers

  HOW IT WORKS: These undies don’t protect against skin cancer, they protect against hentai (perverts), who have figured out a way to use camcorders with infrared night vision to “see” through many kinds of fabric, in order to take revealing photographs of unsuspecting women. ShotGuard undies are made with a blend of nylon and polyurethane fabric that are impervious to this kind of photography. Cramer president Takashi Hokazono hopes that “by introducing conditions that make photography more difficult, the number of malicious photographers will decrease.”

  “People want economy and they will pay any price to get it.”

  —Lee Iacocca

  Annually, there are about 60,000 trampoline injuries in the U.S.

  LOONEY LAWS

  Believe it or not, these laws are real.

  • In Providence, Rhode Island, it’s illegal to sell toothbrushes on Sundays. (Toothpaste is okay.)

  • It’s against the law in Washington state to pretend that your parents are rich.

  • Women in Corvallis, Oregon, are not legally permitted to drink coffee after 6:00 pm.

  • By law, Washington drivers must carry an anchor to be used as an emergency brake.

  • In Christiansburg, Virginia, it’s a crime to imitate the sound of a police whistle.

  • It’s against the law in Iowa to charge people to watch a one-armed pianist perform.

  • In Missouri, men are legally required to have a permit to shave.

  • It’s a crime in Long Beach, California, to curse while playing miniature golf.

  • It’s against the law in Oklahoma to display a hypnotized person in a window.

  • In Israel, it’s illegal to pick your nose on the Sabbath.

  • In Florida, widows may not skydive on Sunday afternoons.

  • It’s illegal for a woman in Joliet, Illinois, to try on more than six dresses in one store.

  • It’s okay to wear a fake nose in Aberdeen, Scotland, but only if it doesn’t conceal your identity.

  • Richmond, Virginia, prohibits anyone from flipping a coin to determine who will pay a restaurant tab.

  • A man may not legally wear a strapless evening gown in Miami.

  • In Devon, Colorado, it’s illegal to walk backwards after sunset.

  • In Connecticut, it’s against the law to play SCRABBLE while waiting for a politician to speak.

  • It’s illegal to run a three-legged race for money in British Columbia.

  • Eating soup with a fork is against the law in New York.

  • It’s illegal to sell used confetti in Detroit.

  But did they lie to the pollster? According to a survey, 70% of Italians say they tell 7.5 lies per day.

  DEATH IN THE RING

  While the brutal sport of boxing has existed for thousands of years, historians consider the first modern “boxing match” to be one that took place in England in 1681. Since that era of bare-knuckle fights to today’s gloved bouts there have been more than 1,400 documented boxing-related deaths. These are just a few.

  GEORGE “THE COACHMAN” STEVENSON. His is one of boxing’s earliest recorded deaths, going all the way back to 1741. Stevenson fought Jack Broughton in a bare-knuckle contest that lasted about 40 minutes—with no breaks. Stevenson sustained massive injuries, including several broken ribs and probably bruising to his heart. He died about a month later. The tragedy led Broughton, already a champion for many years and quite wealthy from it (the fight was held in “Broughto
n’s Amphitheater”), to codify rules to make the sport safer, including introducing padded gloves. Broughton is still known as the “Father of Boxing” today.

  BILL DAY. Day fought William Tower on November 22, 1784, in London. English sportswriter Pierce Egan described how “Tower caught him in one corner of the stage, and held him fast by one hand, while with the other he nearly annihilated Day.” The two fought for about 30 minutes; Day died shortly afterward.

  SIMON “THE EMERALD GEM” BYRNE. Irishman Byrne, 27, fought Englishman James “Deaf ’Un” Burke, 24, on May 30, 1833, in Salcey Forest in central England. The two heavyweights fought for more than three hours until the fight was called because Byrne’s hands were too damaged for him to continue. He was already near death, but lingered for two more days. The sport was illegal at the time (though wildly popular), so Burke was arrested and charged with murder after the bout, but was later acquitted of the crime.

  Karma? Byrne has the dubious distinction of being one of only a few boxers who were on both ends of “death” fights. In 1830 he fought Scotsman Alexander “The Highland Hercules” McKay for 53 minutes, after which McKay died. News of the death caused riots across Scotland, and Byrne was charged with manslaughter. And just as Burke would later be for Byrne’s murder, Byrne was acquitted.

  Smallest U.S. city with teams in all four major sports leagues: Denver (population: 2.4 million).

  CLYDE KAUFMAN. One of only a handful to die after a fight he actually won, Kaufman beat Jerry White on October 3, 1931, in Hollister, California, by a technical knockout in the third round. A short time later he was found unconscious on the ground next to his car. That night he was diagnosed with a concussion; he died the next morning.

  BENNY “KID” PARET. Paret, from Cuba, was world welter-weight champion when he fought Emile Griffith, an American, on March 24, 1962, in New York City. In the 12th round of the nationally televised fight, Griffith hit Paret a reported 18 times in just six seconds. Paret fell onto the ropes unconscious, and died 10 days later from brain injuries. The death prompted journalist Norman Cousins to pen his now-famous (to boxing aficionados, anyway) essay critical of the sport, “Who Killed Benny Paret,” in the May 5, 1962, edition of Saturday Review.

  DAVEY MOORE. On March 21, 1963, the featherweight champion (and former American Olympic champion) faced Cuban Ultiminio “Sugar” Ramos in Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles. The 29-year-old Moore lost the fight, but he did finish it, and even gave an interview before heading for his dressing room. About 45 minutes later he lapsed into a coma; two days later, he died. Because the fight was nationally televised, his death created a public uproar about the safety of the sport. It got considerably more attention when young folksinger Bob Dylan released a song about the incident, “Who Killed Davey Moore?” just three weeks after the fight.

  WILLIE CLASSEN. In October 1979, this 29-year-old New Yorker was knocked out in a fight against legendary British fighter Tony Sibson in London. Just a month later, he fought up-and-coming 21-year-old Wilford Scypion in New York City. Scypion beat him badly, knocking him down a few times, but the fight wasn’t stopped. In the 10th round Classen was knocked unconscious. Five days later, on November 28, he was dead.

  During soccer’s ’06 World Cup, Germany’s heart attack rate tripled on days the German team played.

  DUK-KOO KIM. In one of the modern era’s most infamous matches, Korean lightweight Kim, 23, met world champion Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini on November 13, 1982, at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Kim had to lose several pounds shortly before the fight and was reportedly dehydrated. He lasted until the 14th of the scheduled 15 rounds, and collapsed and went into a coma minutes later. Emergency brain surgery was performed that night, but Kim died three days later. The tragedy prompted the World Boxing Council to reduce championship fights from 15 to 12 rounds, and it was the main reason for instituting the standing-8 count—in which the referee stops the fight for eight seconds to determine if a fighter is able to go on. Kim’s mother committed suicide in South Korea three months later; the fight’s referee, Richard Green, did the same in 1983.

  LEAVANDER JOHNSON. Johnson had fought professionally for 16 years when, in 2004, he became the International Boxing Federation lightweight champion at the age of 34. In his first defense, and the biggest fight of his career, he fought Mexico’s Jesus Chavez at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas on September 17, 2005. The fight was stopped in the 11th round after Johnson took a number of hard punches to the head. He fell into unconsciousness in the dressing room, was hospitalized with swelling and bleeding on the brain, and died on September 22.

  EPILOGUE

  The grave of the Scottish boxer Alexander “The Highland Hercules” McKay, who died after a match with Simon Byrne in 1830, lies in an English churchyard not far from where the fight was staged. On it is this inscription:

  Strong and athletic was my frame,

  Far from my native home I came

  And bravely fought with Simon Byrne,

  Alas, but never to return.

  Stranger, take warning from my fate

  Lest you should rue your case too late:

  If you have ever fought before,

  Determine now to fight no more.

  Can’t take it? Move to Jersey! There are seven rats for every person in New York City.

  UNCLE JOHN’S

  STALL OF FAME

  Here’s another in-stall-ment of a Bathroom Reader favorite.

  Honoree: The town fathers (and mothers) of Chauncy, Ohio

  Notable Achievement: Inventing a way to collect taxes in the bathroom

  True Story: Don’t worry, the program is voluntary…sort of. When the town had trouble coming up with the money to pay its $500-a-month streetlight bill in 2006, rather than pass a mandatory tax increase, the town government decided to try something a little more creative and fun: They got a wooden outhouse, dubbed it the “Redneck Wishing Well,” and started putting it on the front lawns of various town residents. When the outhouse landed on someone’s lawn, the only way to get the city to haul it away was by tossing a contribution toward the light bill into the “well.”

  Bonus: After a resident had done their duty, they got to pick whose lawn got the outhouse next. In the first two days alone, the wishing well collected $200.

  Honoree: The administrators of Frederick Community College in Maryland

  Notable Achievement: Standing firm against bathroom blackmail

  True Story: In the fall of 2007, someone vandalized one of the men’s rooms on campus (even worse, they stole all the toilet paper!) and left a note, threatening to continue trashing toilets until the school rescinded its campuswide ban on smoking. Rather than give in to privvy piracy, the school offered a $500 reward for information leading to the arrest and prosecution of the lavatorial louts.

  Update: At last report, the toilet terrorists had struck another dozen times, but the smoking ban is still in effect and the reward is still up for grabs. (Students can still smoke in the parking lot.)

  Wild Bill Hickok was buried with his Sharps rifle.

  Honoree: Residents of the Po Tin Housing Complex in Tuen Mun, China

  Notable Achievement: Refusing to take cramped, substandard bathroom conditions sitting down

  True Story: The residents were living in apartments with bathrooms that were barely 2' × 2'. A toilet, sink, and shower were crammed into the tiny space, smaller than a phone booth. “As there is no room in the toilet,” one resident explains, “the users need to dry themselves and put on clothes in the dining room after showers. Their family members have to stay on the street until receiving a phone call from home, saying the user is fully dressed.” After seven years of waiting for the local housing authority to take action, in October 2007, the fed-up residents staged a protest outside the Legislative Council building, complete with a life-size model bathroom to demonstrate how cramped the facilities are. Did the protest do any good? Hard to say—the Housing Authority admitted that the bathrooms “may not be satisfactor
y” and promised to consider the residents’ request, but at last report the residents were still waiting for action.

  Honoree: Adam Baker, an amateur painter from Reno, Nevada

  Notable Achievement: Taking life’s lemons and making lemonade …in the bathrooms of every state in the union

  True Story: When the 42-year-old Baker learned about a contest to paint the official portrait of Governor Kenny Guinn, Baker poured his heart and soul into a loving depiction of Guinn and sent it off to the state capitol…only to learn that the winner was a painter from out of state. Rather than get mad, Baker decided to get even: He took his gubernatorial portrait on an extended road trip to every state capitol building in the country, taking care once he arrived to position Governor Guinn in front of the urinals in the men’s room and take a few snapshots. So is his portrait a winner? Look up “Kenny’s Big Adventure” on YouTube and decide for yourself. As for the Guinn Administration, a spokesperson says that Baker’s tour of restrooms “says a lot of what he thinks about his own work.”

  Honoree: Hayley Greaves, a 20-year-old fashion and costume craft student at Leicester College in England

  Four million embalmed ibises (wading birds) were discovered in a single cemetery in Egypt.

  Notable Achievement: Designing a hat with real get-up-and-“go.”

  True Story: In the summer of 2007, Bathstore, a bathroom retailer, sponsored a contest to design a ladies’ hat to be worn at the Ascot Gold Cup in Berkshire, England. The horse race, which is attended by the Queen, is one of the highlights of the British social season. More attention is paid to what people in the Royal Enclosure are wearing than to which horse is winning the race, and there’s a dress code that requires that all ladies wear hats. With her sponsor in mind, Greaves came up with a splashy number that featured an entire bathroom—bath, sink, and toilet, plus two walls and a tiled floor—atop the hat…and her creation won first prize. “Hayley’s hat was beautifully constructed and eye-catching and just what we were looking for,” said a spokesperson for Bathstore. “I’m sure it will turn a few heads at the races.”