"Hello, Tarrin," Auli said in silky tones, giving him a strangely naughty, knowing smile. "What's got you in such a hurry?"
"I'm looking for Dar," he said in what he hoped was a hurried, dismissive manner. "It's kinda important."
"I haven't seen him. Do you want me to call him for you?"
Tarrin stopped abruptly. Actually, that would help him out a great deal. "If you wouldn't mind," he said gratefully.
She gave him a short grin, then put her slender fingers to the amulet around her neck. "Dar," she called. "Where are you?"
"I'm in the library," came the tinny response, which was still Dar's voice despite the slight distortion. "What's the matter, Auli?"
"Nothing, Tarrin's looking for you, that's all."
"Oh. Well, I'll stay where I am until he gets here, then."
"We're all going to go watch the Knights practice," Auli said with that same naughty smile. "They're certainly one of the few things about having to come here that's been good so far. Isn't that right, Janelle?"
The redhead gave Tarrin a slightly embarassed giggle and nodded. "I never knew humans could be so much fun to watch," she agreed.
"Of course, they all fall over each other when we're there watching them," Auli added with a smirk. "I guess they can't concentrate when such beauty stands in their presence."
"At least it's fun til that wrinkled up old prune comes out and chases us off," another of the Sha'Kar girls said sourly. "He's always so rude!"
They were talking about Darvon, and Tarrin didn't want to say something unpleasant to them. From the sound of it, Darvon would take care of that when they arrived. Tarrin didn't remember Darvon, but he was the Lord General of the Knights, and Tarrin figured that he had to have some kind of duty to stand up for Darvon against them. But then again, Darvon probably wouldn't be impressed by the four Sha'Kar girls. Tarrin realized that the younger ones, the cadets, they probably would get distracted by the four very lovely girls standing on the edges of the grounds and watching, but the trained Knights wouldn't. Knights were trained to ignore distractions, even ones as lovely as the Sha'Kar.
In a way, Tarrin guessed that maybe them watching on would be a good thing. It would certainly teach the cadets how to concentrate on what they were doing, despite whatever may come along to distract them.
"Want to come along, Tarrin?" Auli asked with bright eyes, holding her hand out to him. "We could have fun."
"I'm sorry, but I'm busy, Auli," he said carefully. "I really need to go see Dar. And after that, I think I'll be spending time with my daughter for a while."
"Ah well, I can't compete with family," she said with an eerily predatory look. "But I'll walk with you for a bit. I'll be along in a little, Janelle."
"Alright, Auli," she said with a look, and then the three girls scurried off. Then they all started laughing loudly. Tarrin looked back at them sourly, wondering if Auli had told them about what happened in his room last night. Knowing Auli, she probably would.
Walking with her was both exciting and nerve wracking, because he wanted to walk a little closer, and he knew that that was a very bad idea. Her very presence had a powerful effect on him, and for a moment he felt like one of those cadets with those glowing eyes looking down at him. He kept a good distance from her, hands behind his back, as she walked along without any seeming discomfort. She didn't even seem to notice his own, at least until she glanced over at him and smiled. "I see you're all out of sorts," she said with a flash of white teeth. "Don't let that crotchety old she-cat get to you, Tarrin. She can't watch us all the time, you know," she added with a seductive purr, reaching over and grabbing his arm, leaning into him as they walked.
"I don't think you appreciate just how nasty Jesmind can get, Auli," Tarrin said carefully. "She wasn't joking. She will hurt you if you-"
"I can handle that fleabag," she said confidently, cutting him off. "So, are you going to be in your room tonight?" she asked with smoldering eyes. "I'll come after you finish visiting with your daughter."
"I, don't think that's a good idea, Auli," he said delicately. "I mean, you're very pretty and all, and I really like you, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to have a girlfriend right now. Not with my memory all full of holes."
She looked at him, then she laughed. "Girlfriend?" she asked loudly, probably a bit too loudly. Tarrin blushed slightly when two passing Sorcerers glanced at them as they went by. "You have an imagination, Tarrin!" she giggled. "I don't want to be your girlfriend."
"B-But you kissed me, and-"
"So? I like you, Tarrin, and I think you're very sexy. I know you like me, and I know you think I'm sexy. I want to go to bed with you, and the kiss you gave me last night told me you want to go to bed with me. Who says we have to say we love each other to share pleasure?"
Tarrin was shocked, more than he thought he would be, because Auli knew he did have interest in her, and Jesmind had had her pegged from the start. He was little more than a conquest to her. Some men probably wouldn't mind that at all, more than happy to let such a gorgeous woman conquer them all she wanted, but Tarrin had been raised quite differently than her.
Or was he just a conquest? Tarrin rememebered that she had in fact been raised in a very, very different society, one that had been perverted and depraved, and he wondered how much of that upbringing was affecting her behavior right now. Was Auli trying to take things to that level because that's what she thought she was supposed to do? Or was it one of the ways that decadent culture displayed friendship? Did she want to sleep with him because she did like him, or because it was what she had been conditioned to offer?
"I-I think it's a bad idea," he repeated. "No offense, Auli, really. I do really like you, but with everything going on right now with me, with Jesmind, and the fact that I don't think your mother would like it very much if you and me-"
"I can handle my mother," she interrupted with a snort. "And I can handle your furry girlfriends. So what's stopping us?" She reached down with her other hand and patted him on the backside, which made him jump. "You can say no all you want, Tarrin, but you're no different from some of the other boys who've said no to me. Your mouth says no, but your body says yes. And I know how to get your body to ignore your mouth." She let go of him and they stopped. She looked up at him with unashamed, hooded eyes, her expression one of strange expectant pleasure. "I'll get you yet, Tarrin," she purred. "Mark me on that. You should never have said no," she added with a wink. "Now I'm really, really curious."
Tarrin really couldn't say anything to that, so Auli took advantage of his silence to step up and lean into him, making sure to press all those things the dark side of Tarrin's mind liked to think about against him as she whispered in his ear. "I'm going to get you, Tarrin," she said huskily. Then she kissed him passionately on the lips for a brief moment, paralyzing him. She pushed away from him with twinkling eyes, full of mischief, and then turned and sauntered towards the training grounds as if she owned the entire Tower.
Tarrin felt her lips still ghosting against his, and he could only watch her go and berate himself for handling that so badly. Not only did he not try to reason with her, he had somehow almost made it some kind of challenge to her. Now she would think of it as a game, and she was the kind that would play it until she won. He had really messed things up, and he had only himself to blame. He should have tried to be more sensitive to her position, or tried to understand her motives a little better, he should have tried to talk with her much longer and gotten to understand what she was after before trying to deflect her. Instead, he had just blurted out no and piqued her curiosity. Piqueing Auli's curiosity had to have been the worst thing he could have done. He knew Auli well enough to know that when she got curious, absolutely nothing would stop her from satisfying that curiosity.
Woodenly, Tarrin remembered the library as he realized he was watching Auli walk away, and his eyes were not on her back. He growled at himself for doing exactly what he asked Auli not to do and then turned around and stalk
ed towards the main Tower.
He found Dar in the library with Dolanna, and after a pleasant, short conversation with her, Tarrin borrowed her student and they walked along the outside grounds of the Tower. Tarrin had alot to talk about with his Arkisian friend, and it took him a while to try to organize things in his mind, so he'd know what to ask and how to say it. Until then, he disclosed to Dar his debacle with Auli, telling him what she'd done with him after Dar left a those two times and then telling him about the confrontation they had earlier. That made Dar flush, and then he laughed ruefully.
"I really wish you would have come to see me before you said that," he said. "I may have been able to help."
"She flirted with you too, Dar. Did she try to seduce you?"
"No," he said, and he sounded a little disappointed. "But you said it to her all wrong, Tarrin."
"I know," he sighed. "Now she's really going to come after me."
"Just keep one of the Were-cats with you."
"That's even worse than having Auli after me," he grunted.
"Well, then let her catch you and be done with it," Dar shrugged.
"Then Jesmind would kill her," Tarrin told him. "I don't think Auli realizes I wasn't joking about that."
"Well, then I guess you have a problem," Dar grinned.
"You're alot of help," Tarrin accused.
"I've never been very good with girls, Tarrin," Dar said. "I mean, look at me. I want to ask Tiella out, but every time she comes near me, I get all tongue-tied and forget what to say."
"I thought you and her were friends."
"Well, we are, but back then I thought she was just cute. I really wasn't looking at her that way."
"This from the man who boasts about how many naked girls he's seen," Tarrin teased.
"Looking at them is a bloody lot easier than talking to them," Dar admitted with a rueful laugh. "Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about, Tarrin?"
"I need you to help me," Tarrin told him. "Phandebrass found something out today."
"What?"
Tarrin told Dar about what they'd managed to discover earlier that day, and Dar's eyes turned sober when Tarrin explained the possible ramifications. "I don't know what to do, Dar," he admitted. "Jesmind and the other Were-cats keep pressuring me about being a Were-cat again, but I just don't know if that's what I want. And if it isn't what I want, I don't know if I should try to get my memory back."
"That does sound like a problem," Dar agreed.
"So I need to decide that first," he continued. "I thought I had more time to think about it, but as soon as the Were-cats find out that I should regain my memory if I'm turned again, they're going to be lining up to bite me."
"That's no lie," Dar agreed. "So, Tarrin, how can I help?"
"I want to know the truth, Dar," he said grimly. "Not this person's version of the truth, or that person's version of the truth. I want to hear the whole story, and I think you're probably the best person to ask. I know that the Were-cats have already decided what to do with me, but I think that even people like my sisters and Jenna and Dolanna and Camara Tal probable also have their own opinions, and they'd try to sway me one way or the other if I asked them."
"You're right about that," Dar admitted in a low tone. "Dolanna's been talking to me about you, and she doesn't think you should be changed back. I heard Jenna talking to her parents, and she's talking like they got you back from the dead, so I think she's decided you should stay like you are. I know that Keritanima and Allia are your sisters, but right now they're arguing about you. Keritanima thinks you'd be better off staying human, but Allia thinks that you're less than what you're supposed to be as a human, and that all the suffering and work you did to get where you were before you were turned human again would be for nothing, and all the honor you gained as a Were-cat was lost when you became human again. Allia's got funny ideas sometimes. The funny thing is, both of them told me that it's because they think it's what you would want. I guess they don't know you as well as they thought they did."
"They did know me, Dar," Tarrin said.
"I know what you mean," Dar nodded. "Miranda thinks you should be a Were-cat again too, so Kerri's getting it from both sides."
"What do you think, Dar?"
"Well, I think that it's your decision," he replied.
"That's why I asked for your help," Tarrin said with a relieved smile.
"So, what can I tell you?"
"I want to know what I was really like, Dar," he said seriously. "I've heard what Dolanna said and my sisters have said and Triana's said, but they all seem to be holding things back. I want to know the whole truth."
"Actually, they did a pretty good job," Dar admitted, scratching his chin.
"Then I really was like that?" he asked.
"For a time," he agreed. "But you've changed alot since I met you, Tarrin. The Were-cat I met was nothing like the Were-cat you became after Jula betrayed you. I think everything bad you became goes right back to that one act. And the Were-cat I knew right before this happened was alot different than the one you were before. You went into the desert paranoid and pretty mean, and when you came out, you were alot more mellow and friendly."
"They said I'd changed."
"Alot," he agreed. "When you and Kerri and Allia were in the Initiate, you were actually alot like you are now, but not quite. I guess that's because it was closest to who you were before you were bitten."
"Was I happy, Dar?"
"I really can't say," he said honestly. "You seemed happy sometimes. You were definitely happy with Jesmind and Jasana. But most of the rest of the time, it was too hard to tell. You were a very hard man to know, Tarrin. You never let anyone get very close to you, even among us. Only Allia and Kerri and Dolanna understood you, and they'd never talk about you with the rest of us. Even at the end, what happened with you and Jula had permanently scarred you. Between that and the mission, it really didn't give you much room to be you. It was very hard on you."
Mention of that reminded him of what he was carrying at that moment, in the magical regions of that place Dolanna called the elsewhere. The Firestaff. The one thing that the majority of the world was struggling to find, and he was the one who had it. The quest to find that artifact had been the whole reason he and the other had come together. For that, at least, he was glad it had happened. But from what he'd heard, that was about the only positive thing to come about from the whole thing.
"If you're trying to find out if you were happy being what you were, I don't think anyone can answer that but you, Tarrin," Dar told him soberly. "You'd need to get back your memories to find that out, because can any one man really say he knows what's in another man's mind?"
"A Sorcerer could," Tarrin said with a teasing smile.
"Well, I guess in that case yes, but you know what I mean," he said defensively.
"It's hard to believe that I was really like that."
"I know, but it was," Dar nodded. "I guess in what we were doing at the time, it was almost a good thing. Everyone was afraid of you, even our enemies."
"You were afraid of me?" Tarrin asked in surprise.
"Not the same way that someone that didn't know you would be," he said cautiously. "I'd call it more understanding your personality."
"I asked for the truth, Dar."
Dar blew out his breath. "Yes, I was afraid of you at times, Tarrin. Any sane man would have been."
"Were you afraid of me the whole time?"
"No," he answered. "When we first met, I liked you alot. Like I said, you were alot like you are now, with some pretty obvious differences, given you were a Were-cat then. But after Jula betrayed you, and we left to go find the Firestaff, those two things consumed you. You turned feral, and you were driven by the need to finish the mission and regain your freedom. Anyone that got in your way was putting his life in his hands, and when you were feral, you were very nervous and unpredictable. That can make any man nervous, since you were strong enough to kill a man with yo
ur bare hands."
"I don't think I would have ever hurt you, Dar," Tarrin said after a moment.
"I doubt you would have either," he answered. "You risked your neck too many times to count to keep the rest of us out of harm's way. That happened after Faalken died." He sighed. "You took that harder than the rest of us. I liked Faalken and I miss him, but you blamed yourself for it. After he died, you'd all but stick your neck on a headsman's block if it kept the rest of us out of danger. That really infuriated Allia and Camara Tal, you know," he chuckled. "They were trying to protect you, but you were running off and protecting them and putting yourself in harm's way in the process." He looked over with darkening eyes. "After Faalken died, I never really was directly afraid of you again. I'd be afraid of what you might do, and what might happen, but I was never afraid you'd hurt me."
They walked out into the gardens in silence, as Tarrin mulled over what he'd learned. Dar hadn't really told him much that he hadn't heard already, except for some personal insights. "What do you think I should do?" he asked finally.
"I think you should make the decision that makes you happiest, Tarrin," Dar answered after a moment. "I think you should make it for you, not for who may be angry with you for making it, or for who may not be. It's your life, after all."
"If you're talking about Jesmind and Kimmie, I know," he said. "I thought that nobody would really care if I decided to be turned again, but just about everyone would object if I decided to stay human."
"I think you'd find out how much some people care about you going back to being a Were-cat if you announced that you were going to," he said. "Dolanna told all of us to keep our opinions to ourselves, that's why nobody's really said anything to you." He chuckled. "Well, there's that, and then there was when the Goddess came to you. She more or less told all of us that you were going to make your choice yourself, and we'd better not interfere. So nobody's interfering."
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