Living a Lie

by Cox, Josephine

There was a vase of flowers on the window-ledge, a bowl of fruit on the table, and the window in the lounge had a new pair of frilly curtains.

  “I’m so glad everything’s turning out right for you, Georgie.” Glancing round the room, Kitty saw how little things had been added since her last visit, like the television and the pretty pink lamp on the coffee table.

  “It looks like they’ve given you that pay rise you were after?”

  “Never mind about that,” Georgie told her.

  “It’s you I want to know about. Or am I being told to mind my own business?”

  Kitty was sorry if she had given that impression.

  “I’ve never kept anything from you,” she answered.

  “If I didn’t have you to come and talk to, I think I’d go completely mad.”

  “Sorry, gal. As always, my tongue ran away with me.” She sipped at her lemonade and gave Kitty a long scrutinising look.

  “You’re too thin, gal, and there’s dark rings under your eyes, like you ain’t sleeping. It’s this bloke, ain’t it? This bloody Adam.”

  Kitty hated loading her troubles onto Georgie, but there was no one else, not since Harry. In answer to her question she confided.

  “I think Patricia’s afraid of him.”

  “What! A mother afraid of her own son?” A deep frown creased Georgie’s face.

  “Pity she didn’t drown the bastard at birth!”

  “She loves him.” Too much, thought Kitty. And all she got in return was humiliation and hatred. In fact Adam Connor fed on his mother’s love…fed and grew into the monster he was.

  “Then she wants her head examined.”

  “These past weeks, since he’s been away on an archaeological dig, she’s been different, more relaxed, laughing with Raymond instead of always arguing.” The house had been brighter, and Kitty had felt less tense. But all that was about to change.

  “He’s back tomorrow, and already Patricia’s on edge. This morning she flew at Raymond for no reason. There was a hell of a row before he went to the office. God knows what she’d do if she knew I was here.” The thought made Kitty smile.

  “Happen she’d throw me out.”

  “Fat lot of good that would do. The authorities would hound you down and have you back with Miss Davis before you could say Jack Robinson.” Something in Kitty’s expression made her ask quietly, “That’s not what you really want is it, gal…to be sent back to the home?”

  As always Kitty said what was in her heart.

  “I won’t deny there are times when I’d give anything to have things the way they were…you and me, the home. Miss Davis…everything.”

  So sad and serious were the words Kitty uttered, Georgie was made to come and sit beside her.

  “Don’t say that, gal,” she pleaded, “I’m so proud of you. I’ve never said this before, but you’ve been a real example to me. At the home I used to laugh and joke and pretend that none of it mattered, when it did. You were the only person to see through me…the only real friend I’ve ever had.”

  “You were my friend too. More than a friend. More like a sister.”

  “We’re friends now, ain’t we?”

  “Forever!”

  “And that feels good, don’t it?”

  “Feels wonderful.”

  “So it’s only natural I want to help you through your troubles, gal. Like you’ve always helped me through mine.”

  “Did I do that?” Kitty hoped so. But she could never be certain.

  “Oh, you did! At the home, when I were down in the dumps, you cheered me up. And when I first came here, feeling like a lost soul, who was it wrote to me every single day? And who was it missed school just to come and visit, eh? What! Time and again I might have done away with myself if it hadn’t been for you.”

  “I’m glad I helped.”

  “Now it’s my turn, gal. Don’t let the buggers get the better of you, eh? It ain’t like you to let your troubles get you down.”

  Kitty gave a small laugh.

  “I expect I’m just feeling sorry for myself.”

  Georgie shook her head.

  “Not you, gal. The plain truth is, you’re not happy at the Connors’ place.”

  Kitty was already regretting having told Georgie her worries.

  “I’ll deal with it.”

  “Are you sure, gal? This Adam sounds a nasty bugger. Can you better him?”

  “One way or another.”

  “So Patricia doesn’t know you’ve come to see me?”

  “No. She thinks I’m at the library.”

  “Let her think it then. No use making more trouble for yourself. Have you heard from your Aunt Mildred?”

  “Not a word.”

  “Old cow!”

  “It doesn’t bother me any more.”

  “Do you reckon she’s looking after your money?”

  “Don’t know. Don’t care.”

  “You should have her checked out, or one day you might find yourself penniless.”

  “That’s what Harry said.”

  “And he was right. You still miss him, don’t you, gal?”

  “More than ever.” More than anyone would ever know.

  “Get in touch with him then.”

  “I can’t do that.” Not that she hadn’t thought about it. Not that she hadn’t taken up pen and paper umpteen times, only to discard them when she realised how she and Harry could never amount to anything.

  “He’s better off without me.”

  “He can’t think that, or he wouldn’t have written to you via Miss Davis four times, no less.”

  Kitty fell silent, thinking of the letters Harry had written; in them he had begged her to get in touch with him. She never had.

  “I can’t understand you, gal. He’s a good-looking bloke with future prospects. You love him…miss him like crazy…and still you’re letting him go!”

  “I’m letting Harry go because I love him.” Kitty believed the pain would ease with the passing of time, but it had been almost two months now and still the thought of him was like a knife in her heart.

  “You know he’ll have a better chance without me. Apart from all the other reasons, I’m too young…we’re both too young.”

  “Not too young to fall in love,” Georgie argued.

  “Not too young to know your own mind. Why must you be so hard on yourself?”

  “Because I don’t want to be hard on him. Oh, Georgie, we’ve been through all this before. Nothing’s changed, not for me. Harry’s got a place at university, and a brilliant future…a chance to make a good life for himself. Can you imagine what it would be like if he had me hanging on his coat-tails…a girl not yet fifteen…someone his father resents? I have no idea what my future holds. I can’t know where I’m going, or even what tomorrow might hold, but he can start to plan his future now. It’s clear and simple for him. Unless he has me to consider as well. He has years of study ahead of him, exams, pressure from all directions. With me in tow all of that could be spoiled, his father might disown him. Even if we were together, what would that do to our relationship? He’d end up hating me for ruining his life.”

  “Harry loves you too much for that.”

  “And I love him. That’s why I won’t even risk it.”

  “You’re a stubborn bugger.”

  “But I’m right, aren’t I? You know what I’m doing is right?” Hesitating only for a moment, Georgie confessed, “I don’t know, gal. All I know is you’re making a sacrifice I would never make.”

  The silence was fraught. Georgie continued to stare at Kitty, shaking her head and envying her strong character. Unaware of Georgie’s attention, Kitty let Harry come into her heart, for the briefest moment, a moment too long. The more they talked of Harry, the closer he seemed. And the closer he seemed, the more she hurt.

  “The social worker came to see me the other day,” she said presently.

  Suspecting the reason for Kitty’s deliberately changing the subject, Georgie didn’t press
it any further.

  “Social, eh? They won’t leave me alone either. Still, I expect it’s their job to keep tags on us.”

  Taking a cigarette out of her bag, she lit it up and drew hard on it.

  Peering at Kitty over the smoke, she asked in a softer voice, “This social worker, what’d she have to say? Did you tell her about the arguments, and the way that bloody Adam torments you?”

  Kitty shook her head.

  “No. What would be the point?”

  “Well, for a start, she’d have you away from there.”

  “And put me where?” Kitty answered her own question.

  “Back in the home?” That was the last thing she wanted.

  “Just now you said there were times when you wouldn’t mind being back there?”

  “Only if you were there. You’re not, so I’m probably better off where I am.” Kitty gave a wry little laugh.

  “Adam Connor might be the very devil, but it’s a case of ‘better the devil you know’.”

  “I suppose you’re right. All families have their ups and downs, and you should know. All the same, gal, if he makes your life a misery, kick him in the balls.”

  “You haven’t seen the size of him.” The idea of cocking her leg high enough to do what Georgie said was enough to bring a smile to Kitty’s face.

  “The bigger they are, the harder they fall.” Georgie giggled.

  “I don’t suppose you’ve ever caught sight of him in the middy?”

  “What? Do you want me to have nightmares?” Kitty laughed.

  “Shame. I ain’t seen a good-size plonker since I had a quick do with the boiler man at the factory.” Rolling her eyes she went on, “Corf I’m telling you, gal, I’ve never seen a man get so excited. We got together in the machine room during the lunch break…he had me up against the wall behind the machines. I had my arms tight round his neck and my legs spread so far apart I could hardly keep my balance. I thought any minute he’d push me right through the bleedin’ wall!” She smiled and chuckled, then roared with laughter.

  “Mind you, if we had gone through, the gals in the sewing room next-door would have got a right eyeful…two scared buggers with frightened eyes, a couple of bare arses and a cock like a broom handle. Christ! It don’t bear thinking about.”

  Kitty laughed out loud.

  “You’re mad as a hatter,” she said.

  “One of these days you’ll get found out, and they’ll give you your cards, then what will you do?”

  “Gawd knows!”

  Though she had to laugh, Kitty couldn’t help but feel anxious.

  “Be careful,” she said. But she knew that Georgie would do exactly what she wanted, and bother the consequences.

  “Never mind about me, gal. I’m my own boss now,” Georgie reminded her.

  “It’s you I’m worried about.”

  “No need. I’m fine.” Getting up from the settee. Kitty took her cup into the kitchen.

  “I’d best be off, or she’ll send out a search party for me.”

  “You ain’t asked about…him.”

  Kitty was taken aback by Georgie’s changed mood. She sounded worried, and that wasn’t like her. Even as she waited for Kitty’s response, she looked anxious.

  “You don’t like him, do you, gal?” Georgie insisted.

  “It’s not that. The last time I mentioned him, you nearly bit my head off.”

  “That was because you said he was wrong for me. You know how I hate being told what’s good or bad for me.”

  “I know. But I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I didn’t look out for you. All the same, I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

  “I expect you still think he’s bad for me?”

  “Has he changed?”

  “No.”

  “Got a job?”

  “Not that I know of.”

  “Is he still dos sing here?”

  “When he feels like it.”

  “Then he is bad for you.”

  “What if I told you I love the idle bugger?”

  “Is it…serious?”

  “If you mean would I kill for him, the answer is no. If you mean would I have his kid, or go with him on one of his burgling expeditions, the answer has to be yes.”

  “Oh, Georgie!” The one and only time Kitty had seen Georgie’s new ‘friend’ had been enough to tell her he was a bad lot.

  “Don’t let him use you.”

  “Like I said before…none of your business, gal.” A hardness appeared on her face.

  “I told you, we all have choices to make. You chose to let Harry go so you wouldn’t hurt him, and in spite of everything I have to admire you for that. As for me, well, I’ve chosen a bad bugger there’s no denying it. He’s a liar and a cheat and I know for a fact he has other women.” She smiled uneasily.

  “He even brought the bloody pox home to me, sod him! Oh, it’s all right now, but he got the length of my tongue I can tell you!”

  “You deserve better.” In a strange way Kitty could understand how Georgie felt. Being alone was a terrible thing and sometimes any companion was better than none at all.

  “Will he ever change?”

  Georgie smiled and shook her head.

  “Shouldn’t think so. He’s been in and out of jail more times than I’ve had my leg over. Trouble is, I’m not sure how he really feels about me. He never tells me what he’s up to…just comes and goes when it suits him. A quick fumble under the sheets, or on the kitchen floor, or wherever he takes the urge, and wham, barn, he’s off again.” She clicked her fingers in the air.

  “Truth be told he don’t care that much for me. But he’s all I’ve got, kid…good or bad, it don’t matter.”

  Kitty was momentarily stunned.

  “Does he make you happy?” she murmured.

  “I suppose he does…yeah. And you’re right, Mac is a bad bugger, but in a way I count myself lucky to have him.”

  “No, Georgie.” Kitty’s soft voice contained love and frustration.

  “It’s Mac who’s lucky to have you.”

  There was little else to be said, and it was time for Kitty to go.

  “I’ll write in the week,” she promised.

  “You’d better!”

  Georgie walked her friend to the door, flung it open, and there stood the very man they’d been talking about. Slightly taller than Kitty, slim and wiry with small bright eyes and a bush of ginger hair, he put Kitty in mind of a fox.

  “Jaysus Mary and Joseph! You frightened the bloody life outta me,” he exclaimed with a strong Irish accent.

  “Sure, I were just about to let me self in.” His hand was raised ready to insert the key in the lock.

  “And what makes you think I want you in here?” Taking hold of him by the coat collar, Georgie dragged him inside.

  “What are you so nervous about anyway?” she demanded, winking at Kitty.

  “Coppers after you, are they?”

  “Give over!” A smile crinkled his foxy features.

  “What would the coppers want with a law-abiding fella like me self He glanced at Kitty.

  “Has she been blackening my character now? Aw, you shouldn’t listen to a thing she says. Sure, I’m never as bad as she makes me out to be.”

  Kitty noticed the long black bag he carried, and the jagged tear in his leather jacket. Though she knew he would get Georgie into trouble one day, she realised why her friend was drawn to him because, in spite of her fears for Georgie, she herself had taken an instinctive liking to this cheeky fellow.

  “Georgie wouldn’t dream of blackening your character,” she said with a grin.

  He looked from her to Georgie and back again, and saw the mischief between them.

  “Sure you’re a wicked pair,” he said.

  “As for this one” He flung his arm round Georgie’s shoulders.

  “I ought to take off me belt and leather your bare arse.” Leaning towards her, he whispered loudly, “Matter of fact, it might be fun. What do you think
?”

  Laughing, she shrugged him off.

  “I think you’re a horny bastard.” She sniffed at his coat and wrinkled her nose.

  “Gawd! You stink o’ bleedin’ fish! You ain’t laying a hand on me till you’ve soaked in the bath for a good hour.”

  “Ain’t got an hour to spare, darling’.” Drawing his mouth into a tight little line, he frowned hard.

  “I’ve half an hour before I’m on me way, an’ I can think of better ways to spend it than taking a bath.” The suggestion was unmistakable. And it took the light out of Georgie’s eyes.

  “You’ve never got time for me, have you, eh?” Punching him with each word, she demanded, “Well, you can have your choice. Either you stay, at least till the morning…or you go right now.”

  He didn’t give his answer to Georgie but instead addressed Kitty.

  “She’s a hard woman, don’t you think?”

  Kitty wanted to shake him.

  “She has a right to be.”

  “Oh? Two against one now, is it?” He threw his bag on to a nearby chair then took off his jacket and threw it on top. He then began rolling up his sleeves.

  “I can see it’s time I gave her a good slapping,” he said in a low threatening voice, his eyes turned to Georgie.

  “A woman should know her place.”

  She saw through him. With a hard push, she sent him flying on top of his belongings.

  “Don’t even try it,” she warned.

  “Unless you want your balls put through the chipper?”

  Kitty turned away, laughing. When Mac’s voice called her name she swung round to see the pair of them embracing.

  “I’ll slap her later,” said Mac, wincing when he got a clip round the ear from Georgie.

  “You’d better not,” Kitty warned good-naturedly. Her voice hardened when she added, “Or you’ll answer to me.”

  Patricia Connor had been feeling unwell for days. Raymond’s threat to call a doctor had caused a mighty row and now she was sulking. It was still only ten o’clock, but she could hardly keep her head up.

  “I’m off to bed,” she told him.

  “Don’t make a noise when you come up.”

  Raymond sighed and looked up from his newspaper.

  “God only knows why you won’t let me call the doctor out. If you don’t want him here, let me take you in the car first thing in the morning.”